"Wade..."
"Dude. Look. I know it looks bad, but-"
"I'm not mad that you were firing guns when CIVILIANS were around in an URBAN area even though I should be... You were being attacked, and unless you FOCUS hard on it, the Schrodinger effect does the you know what. I know it was self-defense.
I AM a LITTLE miffed that you caused way more destruction than bullets and flying bricks SHOULD and LEVELED A BUILDING even though it turned out to be an E88 WEAPONS DEPOT in disguise...
What I'm upset about is the fact that you ESCALATED things BY TAKING ALL THEIR WEAPONS and began USING them like a madman screaming 'I AM BLASKOWICZ, FEAR ME NAZI SCUM' every time you knocked out a Nazi WITH A FUCKING FIREAXE!!! THAT and the fact that the WHOLE time you were fighting you were playing FUCKING THERAPIST and now we have a CRYING RUNE in MY LIVING ROOM eating SIX PINTS of ice cream LIKE SHE GOT OUT OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP!!!"
I shook Deadpool back and forth like a ragdoll, "And you gave her MY STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM?! That was Capannari's from CHICAGO! $160 of GLORIOUS STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM TO REWARD MYSELF FOR A JOB WELL DONE GETTING RIDER HER FREEDOM!!! It JUST arrived THIS MORNING!!! I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT ALL DAY YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Plus the worst part was that it was SWEET cathartic release of fucking up some Nazis that I now HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY FOR because you brought the damage and collateral UP TO A 9!
AND ALSO WHY MY STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM?!
"It's her favorite too, you fruitcake!" Deadpool shook me off, "And you see, when a Nazi finally admits that their ideology is wrong in the throes of battle then become devastated, it really isn't any different from getting out of a bad rel-"
"NOT THE POINT!!!"
"Hey wait! You just called mom a bitch!"
"FUCK YOU! SHE IS!"
Deadpool nodded sagely, "Mhm. Amen. Nay. HALLELUJAH, brother PREACH IT!!!"
"Why the fuck are you happy about that... Nevermind. WHY DID YOU BRING HER TO MY HOUSE?!"
Fucking hell! You KNOW PRT might have this place rigged!
Calm your tits. It's probably got like, a wiretap, at worst you paranoid bastard.
You do REALIZE tinker-tech is a thing? And Armsmaster's specialization is MINIATURIZING TECHNOLOGY?!?!
Ah.
You fucking idiot.
"You're an idiot." I repeated out loud. "It needs repeating twice. That's how big of an IDIOT you are."
"Look, come on man, you can totally just set a precedent. Setting up villains and turning them into heroes left and right!"
I pinched the bridge of my nose.
"And you seem to think that it's just THAT FUCKING EASY! You DO realize that like, the only reason our thing with Rider went through so easy is because we had a whole SLEW of sympathetic jury members AND we pulled EVERY favor Ted had, right? That and we made BIG deals with the PRT that we CAN'T just keep leveraging!" I sighed, "I knew letting you go out like that was a bad idea..."
"So you admit this is your fault."
"NOT what I meant. And stop trying to deflect blame! What're you gonna do about this?"
Rune sniffed as she finished of my beautiful, pristine perfect looking ice cream.
God... my ice cream... My self reward...
"...m' sorry..." Rune sniffled again, eyes beginning to tear up.
Oh for Christ's sake...
"Ah, look. Fine. It's ok. It's not your fault..." I turned to Deadpool. "It's his."
Also HOW THE FUCK did you turn her into this blubbering apologetic mess?!
Uh. Let me think. Long story short? Therapy.
THERAPY DOESN'T EXPLAIN JACK SHIT!
Ok. Obviously you want the long story then. Buckle up. Because I'm about to remind you some shit. Because we're nowhere (and never will be) near the level of Tattletale or shit, but:
During elementary school you were so autistic you had no friends and couldn't understand people on a basic level. So during the beginning of middle school you started analyzing EVERYONE at your school down to, personality traits, interactions, and theories on reasons why they acted certain ways in different situations. People stopped being people to you and instead big puzzles made of lots of small features, traits, and behavioral practices with exceptions to the rules depending on social upbringing, culture, and their positions in the various cliques that existed.
Eventually you got good enough that you could emulate them enough to not get bullied in early highschool and made it subconscious enough that you seemed like a normal likable person near it's end, even having two girlfriends, one of which you kept dating into college for 2 years despite the fact it was a long distance relationship. You looked like a late bloomer to everyone else, but while you're not being creepy SUPER ANALYST consciously anymore, you did so subconsciously all the time.
You tailored parts of your interaction methods, subtle body language, and topic genres for conversations that you brought up on the regular depending on the person in college. After breaking up with your second girlfriend, you abused it to sleep with five different girls before the guilt got to you and you stopped. You then proceeded to forget that you were like this to the point where you DID and you believed you were just probably a late bloomer.
But you didn't. Because I do. Because I even know where the fuck you buried the old notebooks with the notes because you were so ashamed. Analyzing people was always probably our only real talent. But you can't do it anymore consciously because you're scarred by it. I don't. I remember it. And I KNOW I can do something good with it. Whether that be fucking up baddies, or finding out if baddies are just dumb teens in shit situations. And that Banter skill's been really helping. For both me AND you actually.
Fuck you. So what, you broke down Rune to every little detail about herself that she was terrified of, I'm guessing? No. I just have to feel inside of myself and try to recall the details. Because you're stillME. You're a terrible fucking person. When she attacked you your initial reactions and quips were all to begin breaking down whether she was someone that could be a good person or not. If she wasn't YOU'D HAVE KILLED HER.
AND even if you're trying to help, you don't just BREAK down people's world view as you fight them! You just kept throwing jokes at her to keep her adrenaline up just enough that her fight or flight instincts override her better judgement so that she just KEPT fighting so that you can find more and more things about her to break down and throw in her face! AND YOU ALMOST BROKE HER! You only stopped because SHE WAS SO OVERWHELMED THAT SHE TRIED TO KILL HERSELF WITH HER OWN BRICKS! Why'd you even bother saving her at that moment you tore away everything she believed in?! WHEN SHE LOST EVERYTHING?!
Because she needed saving.
...What? What actually-
You've always been scared of how much power you had over people. Scared of manipulating them, twisting the keys, pushing the buttons, but it's our SINGLE talent, and simplest crutch. That's why you, I, whatever, used Suzerain in the first place. Because we're cowards that NEED a pillar like that in a world as fucked up as this one.
So let's do good with it. Even if you won't I WILL.
I'm not scared of my power of analysis or the way I can compartmentalize people and their little pieces that makes up the whole. I embrace it. That's how WE BECAME OURSELVES in the first place. You may not need it anymore and you've rejected it and because of Suzerain I think you're probably unable to be that kind of person with other people again. But your time with that kind of mentality turned you into enough of a normal person that you don't honestly need it anymore anyways.
Just keep being the awkward, hammy you that wanted to believe in people so much. The you that wanted to just grow up to be somebody that made people smile. FIX PEOPLE. Bring them a reason to smile. But you can't fix something without know why it's broken. Let me deal with that bit while you give 'em hope, Mr. Symbol of Peace.
...Dammit Wade. I hate you.
I know. I hate you too. Just as much as I love you and need to love you. You're me, after all. If I can't love myself, I don't need to exist. And thus wouldn't. All because Schrodinger fucking hated his goddamn cat.
I'm pretty sure that wasn't the reason why. Or if that's how it works. And you really need to stop pulling the rug out from under people's mentalities. Most people aren't, you know, US that need a kick in the ass and need our own personal fears addressed from time to time to stay sane and functional.
...Yeah. I can admit that much. I actually went a bit too far with Rune, so I need you to fix it. You didn't give me any of that can-do peppy-ass mentality that you somehow call an attitude no matter how well I can fake it. Even though you had too damn much of your love for comedy to go around. I break-em, you fix-em, right?
We aren't the fucking Mario Brothers, Wade. Also, I don't think that the Mario Brothers were mechanics. They were plumbers.
They didn't plumb shit. Now go fix her leaky pipes that she's using as eyes.
I sighed.
"After teachin' Taylor to drive we were supposed to be taking it easy and having a calm, comfortable day." I groaned as I sat down next to Rune. "Sorry bout the two of us having that awkward staring contest. Did the ice cream help?"
Rune nodded, her hood had been pulled back and her hair was a mess of dirty clumps and dusty locks.
"Yeah... sorry... that was actually the best ice cream I think I've ever had." she gave me a weak chuckle, her eyes were pointed down, puffy and bloodshot.
I chuckled back just as weakly.
"Yeah. It was costly, but nothing close to being a problem." I scratched my head, "Let's reintroduce ourselves. I'm All Might. Independent Hero, part-time healer... I dream of being a Symbol of Peace that people can hope and believe in."
"...Rune. I am... was..." She took a deep watery breath and sighed. "I'm a member of E88, even though now I just really don't want to admit that and leave... I... I just want to be myself. And I want become someone that I can say that I'm proud to be. And... apparently everything I was raised to believe in was mostly hate and stealing from the cultures we looked down upon in the first place and all I really want out of life right now is to PUNCH my STUPID uncle that USED me as a STEPPING STONE in climbing up the social ladder in the E88! Because HE brought me out here, then when he fucked up a job that HE BROUGHT ME ALONG TO. He USED me as a SCAPEGOAT! He ABANDONED ME so that he could get away scot-free and I GOT SENT TO JUVIE! And because I had NO idea how the real world worked, I hated everyone else there until I boxed myself into a corner until I had to Trigger or die! SO I HATE HIM FOR PRETENDING AFTERWARDS THAT HE WAS DOING ME A FAVOR IN TAKING ME TO THE E88! I HATE HIM! I HATE ALL OF THEM THAT PRETEND THAT THEY'RE ALL BUDDY BUDDY BUT WANT TO STAB EACH OTHER IN THE BACK TO CLIMB UP SOME STUPID SOCIAL LADDER LIKE DUMB SCHOOL KIDS IN A POPULARITY CONTEST! That's all the E88 IS aside from hating all those niggers and- I mean. The blacks. That's... AND MY PARENTS WERE SUPPOSED TO RAISE ME RIGHT."
She turned to me, electric blue eyes manic and wet. Lost and desperate like a puppy in a cardboard box drifting down a river and mewling for help.
"THEY POISONED ME!"
Wade what did you do...
"I WAS THEIR DAUGHTER AND THEY POISONED ME WITH THE SAME STUPID LIES THAT WERE THE REASON THEY HAD TO LIVE OUT IN THE STUPID WILDERNESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!"
Dammit man, you dug too deep. Of course he did. He's me. Of course I'd go too far and only realize too late.
"I LEARNED THAT I'M JUST A TERRIBLE, HATEFUL PERSON! AND... and I don't even KNOW if it's MY HATRED OR NOT! And I'll never know... Did I believe in it all because it was easy and made me feel SPECIAL or did I believe because THAT'S ALL I COULD HAVE KNOWN?? Because that was the POISON my parents fed me! BECAUSE I LOVE THEM. Because... how could I know? They tucked me in. Pa taught me how to track deer. Ma told me how to feed the baby chickens. I LOVED THEM! Didn't they love me?! Why would they teach me to HATE SO DAMN MUCH if they LOVED ME?! HOW?! NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE! I-"
I wrapped my arms around her and lend her my shoulder.
She struggled before beginning to wail, sobbing desperately and nails clawing at my costume and skin as they gripped so hard they would have broken skin if it wasn't for my body's toughness.
Deadpool left to go punch some more Nazi's and I couldn't bring it in myself to stop him.
We needed some catharsis.
POV: Deadpool
Original me was doing just fine comforting Rune like the dumb teddy bear he is.
"Every gambler knows... that the secret to survivin'..." I sang quietly under my breath, leaping and Blinking from rooftop to rooftop. With Rider's help, a small set of wires had been installed in the masks allowing it to be used for communication, picking up on police scanners, and even recording my own voice. As well as the things around me. The latter was a secondary side effect, I swear.
But me? I had some self-induced anger to let off.
"Is knowing what to throw away..."
And while I had originally been itchin' to punch out a few more Nazis... I found someone better to murderize. I even made use of Schrodinger's 2nd Trigger to make another Deadpool dressed in a VERY dark blue (almost black) to keep to the shadows and record all of this sweet revenge-making with a pretty high end, quality camera.
"And knowing what to keep..."
The motherfucking ABB asshole that liked beating my face in with a 2 by 4. Oh I couldn't forget his fucking face even after a hundred years. And I was gonna get footage of his demise.
"Cuz every hand's a winner... and every hands a loser..."
Pierce of shit was eating Peking duck in some glass balcony lookin' VIP Chinese restaurant overlooking the bay. Laughing it up and drinking with some mercenary looking dude with his back faced to me.
Black bodysuit, enough bandoleers and knives to look like an anime character. That's the level of over compensation that only having a small dick could drive you to.
"And the best that you can hope for-"
The motherfucker that BURNED MY EYE OUT was making a toast... with my crosshairs lined up (accounting for wind and other factors with a convenient tinker device from Toybox that did the job of a Spotter) right on his greasy forehead.
"-is to die in your sleep."
The Tinker silenced sniper rifle (the only Tinker gun in my possession and what had come with the Spotter-bot) made a sound like something spitting out a spitball through a straw.
And a jackass's head split open like a watermelon on a Japanese beach.
I heard muffled screaming from all the way back where I was.
Ah. I only wish that he could have FELT that bullet splitting his head and knew it was fucking karma. Ah, what a beautiful, glorious bitch she is.
I was still peering through the scope humming the rest of the song as I watched everyone in the restaurant panic.
All but- oh fuck me that's Oni Lee. I couldn't tell from the back, but the mask of his is a giveaway. Fuck is he doing at a restaurant with his mask on?!
He can't Kakashi it like me!
KARMA YOU ACT TOO FAST YOU FUCKING WHORE!
Can he- yup he sees me. Then again I AM dressed like an edgy Santa Claus. Wearing what HE probably can only see as E88 colors.
This could be fun. If I can get away, that is.
"You've got to know where when to hold 'em." I quickly put my sniper gear away as I began jumping and Blinking. "Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk aw-"
It's a shame I haven't gotten a handle on Blinking to longer distances yet because Oni Lee was nearly instantly in front of me, pin-less frag grenade and knife in hand.
A swift kick lashed out, sending the grenade flying into the air a flash of chemical flame and shrapnel, lighting up the Brockton Bay skyline. A knife tore viciously into and up my thigh as I spun catching the clone by the neck with said stabbed leg. The force launched him off the edge of the building as I summoned dual deagles.
"You didn't let me finish my song, you asshole!" I growled blocking a stab with one deagle, the tip of the blade sliding against the slide, and hip-firing the other.
Three 50 AE rounds just tore through his body and the stabbing clone crumpled, wounds bleeding out white carbon ash.
A knife dug into my kidney from behind and I fired backwards seemingly blindly, arms whipping through the air as my right hand pointed back over the shoulder, my left twisted the shoulder inwards to the torso, turning my arm a near 180 degrees as my guns spat lead, only to scatter more white carbon ash as two holes bloomed in his head and groin.
"Fuck! This is pre-Shippuden clone tactics ramped up to 11!" I ducked a stab, blowing a 50 AE round through another clone's torso, then swung an elbow, catching Oni Lee as he appeared digging into his ribs. "Get predicted on!"
I flipped a deagle around, pistol-whipping it into the side of his head. His hands held the wrist of my attacking arm as another Oni Lee appeared shoving serrated steel into my forearm and triceps.
A headbutt met his mask in return, cracking the surface before a deagle kissed the underside of his chin.
"Ever been skullfucked?" Hot lead blew through his skull. "Oh who am I kidding, you work forLUNG. So this is normal, yeah?"
Shame it was just a spray of carbon ash.
Still, with the way I forced his head, there was only one place he could have warped to.
Dual uzis appeared in my hands and sprayed at the Oni Lee in the air above me, dropping grenades.
He must have teleported again because the bullets shredded though him, leaving white ash behind in the empty spaces.
Then the grenades popped.
"AUGH! FLASHBANG! MY SWEET EXTRA VIRGIN EYES!"
Oni Lee appeared behind me bringing a knife down with both hands, sinking down like snake fangs to my neck.
I leaned back and drew my katanas out, one blade cutting through his left arm at the elbow, the other only catching the side of his mask as he tried to dodge midair. Gotta love the element of surprise. That and being able to see when blind because there is ANOTHER me (recording all this sweet footage!) that I can use for a third person perspective of myself.
"FOURTH WALLRU BREAKAH!" I screamed, still blind as I spun around bisecting Oni Lee. This time he warped away before I could harm him, the two halves dissolving to dust.
Filthy eye cheats like Pein? I got 'em, Naruto-boy. Your flashbang's aren't worth the DRAGON DICK you sucked to get'em!
Thank GOD harming Oni Lee was easiest when he was certain without a doubt that something COULDN'T attack him from that manner. Easy for me. Hard for fucking normies.
Oni Lee's mask clattered to the ground (only a strap to hold it in place? Seriously?) as he appeared on a building two blocks away letting out a pained grunt as he gripped his arm stump.
Oh look, I got his ear too. Right in the earlobe. There was a chunk of it on the ground next to the mask.
I couldn't make out facial features at this distance, but that HAD to be a look of hatred.
"Hey Discount-Naruto! You dropped something!" I yelled over to him waving his dismembered arm about. "Plus, you look like you need a hand! Wait does the eye thing make me Sasuke? I cut off his arm too! FUCK! I don't wanna be Sasuke! I'd have to kiss you!" I screamed in horror. "Plus he's afuckboi!"
There was a very painful heat in my head as well as an uncomfortable feeling of hollow headedness as my body just collapsed.
Fucker shot me while I was distracted.
That piece of shit.
Oni Lee appeared over my body with a silenced pistol (I still can't believe he HIT me at that range! Or that he had a pistol! Where was he holding it, between his cheeks?!) as his beady eyes glared at me hatefully.
Which opened into shock as he began unloading said pistol into my body, (probably for catharsis. This whole shit-hole of a town needed that) a katana flashed into my hand like a motherfucking Keyblade and lopped off his left leg mid shin.
"That was for the improvised lobotomy!!!" I spun up capoeira-style as I got back to my feet, then I flung the katana behind me, the blade flying straight and true and piercing the real body of Oni Lee as he tried to get away.
The ash clone in front of my tried to act, but my hands reached out and snapped his neck like I was twisting an XXL Rubik's Cube.
"This is because I FEEL LIKE IT!"
The blade sunk into a watertank and pinned Oni Lee in place as he screamed in pain.
"Can't teleport when you're physically tied down to an exceptionally large mass. That's your power's limitation." I growled as I kicked the blade deeper Sparta style. "And that was because of the quick time event!"
Another katana slashed and I cut the bandoleers of grenades (plus knives) free from his body and tossed them behind me into Pocket Room. I could dump it in the bay later and let it explode there. He thought he was being subtle as he tried going full kamikaze again and I was having none of it.
"You know if you didn't chase me down, I'd have let you go, but... now I've got a use for ya. The Merc' With A Mouth could use some street cred, ya know?"
A hand grabbed the back of Oni Lee's head, slamming it into the water tank before pulling back and shoving his own grenade pins into his eyes. I ignored the agonized screech. Yeesh. You think for a suicide soldier that works for a gang he had more pain tolerance than this shit.
"I think you'll do. Show them that... heh.I'm here too." I grinned over Oni Lee's scream of pain. He screamed again because I slammed his face into the water tank/tower again, pins STILL in his eyes. Obviously. "Only got room for one BAMF teleport man in this town, I'm afraid. Thank GOD Nightcrawler isn't a thing here. SO THAT I CLAIM THE BAMF FIRST BEYOTCH!!!"
I signaled the other Deadpool in black to make his way over to me. Damn me, this was gonna make some good footage. Especially once I added the sounds from my end over it and synced everything up just right.
This is how you make an impact on the internet, Uber and L33t!
NeverMIND that all of this only worked because he expected me to die and couldn't have even GUESSED that I had otherworldly spacial awareness via a second me acting as eyes that saw EVERYWHERE he teleported to at all times.
Anyone that said "People die when they are killed" sure as hell didn't watch enough Fate/Stay-Night. Or meet me. Probably the latter.
"Hi God? It's me Margaret." I grabbed the camera, "Oh wait, wrong script. Hello Brockton Bay! This is your frrrriendly neighborhood Deadpool bringing you the mauled corpse of Boner Bee! Wait, that's the wrong..."
Still holding the camera selfie-style, I turned to Oni Lee.
"Hey what was your name again?"
"Fuck you!" He spat. Another face slam into water tank followed.
"Well that's just not nice. Well, I got Bronie Lee here and just wanted to say hi to everybody before I drop his ass off at the PRT HQ and let them handle him. Gonna upload this first on PHO to prove it was me that turned him in! Street Cred is VERY important when you're the newest little merc in a big scawee town. So if you've got someone that needs 'taking care of' contact me! Or send me pictures of your cat. I can also accept bartering of goods and services instead of legal tender! But really, note to self... make coin a thing here... what was I talking about again?"
I picked up Oni Lee's mask and made a show of tying it to my belt on cam.
"Oh and for the Nazi's that just tripped my warehouse's silent alarm?" I pulled out a small cellphone like device that was flashing a red light, "Too bad for you I just moved out the ONLY thing of worth in there. The rest of it's just garbage and junk from the local scrapyard... And all the C4 and other explosives I stole from the weapons depot I tore through while fighting Rune. Which reminds me."
A rumbling echoed in the distance, and the camera was turned to one of the old warehouses down by the docks. It was definitely the cause of the rumbling, mind you, as it was blown up by a large amount of explosive everything. And now VERY much a big crater. Luckily this wasn't one that was part of the Dockworker's Union's area, but technically in E88 territory (something about Med-Hall being linked to E88, I forget what exactly). Because I baited them. Figured after Rune went missing they'd be force to act. Best part about Pocket Room was the fact that it didn't have an upper size limit that I had been able to find yet, so the Auto-Forge was still in tip-top shape.
I turned the camera back towards myself.
"I am not a Nazi and have no affiliation with E88. Y'all niggas stole my color scheme. That's as personal as two rednecks sharing a gun and I don't like that one bit. So, I'm coming for you Hitler humping hamsters on personal level. DEADPOOL OUT!"
After finally getting Rune all cried out and calm, I was working through the various options we had to work with her future. The easiest being setting her up with her with a new identity and giving her a peaceful civilian life, the hardest (and of course the one she wanted) was to rebrand like Rider did and properly win her freedom and do some good-
There was a rumble in the far distance.
And I knew vaguely that it was an exploding warehouse. But, I don't have any Thinker powers yet. The only way I'd know that was...
"...WADE!!! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! WE NEEDED THAT WAREHOUSE!!!"
END