Phil had been camping out near Technoblade's place for a handful of days and so far had found absolutely zero evidence that the Ender Heart was in his possession.

Then again, the Witch Work Force did mention the artifact wasn't too impressive. Or 'virtually useless' as they'd put it. If that was the case, Techno wouldn't be planning to use it for anything. For all Phil knew he could have chucked it into a drawer and forgotten he even took it, one final "Fuck You!" to the WWF for putting him on probation. Phil would have a hard time really proving that.

Still, Phil wasn't fond of half-assing things. He would keep his investigation going and be as thorough as possible before filing his report. He had more than a week left to come to his conclusions. And in the meantime, he was definitely learning a lot of other things about the famed and infamous Technoblade.

One: Technoblade was a recluse in the most literal sense of the word. He barely ever left his house. He even had his groceries delivered, with instructions to leave the bags at his front door. More and more it was starting to look like some miracle that Phil ever managed to set up his trailer during the one window of time that Techno wasn't around. It was also rather unexpected, seeing as how Techno was known in the Witch lands for everything he did drawing some sort of attention. To see him try to avoid the public eye as much as possible… was a bit funny to Phil.

Two: Technoblade was excellent at sensing magic. He had called Phil out for being a witch during their very first conversation when Phil had invited him inside for snacks. Knowing that the truth would make the best deceit, Phil had told Techno plainly that he was a freelancer. Techno nodded and didn't pry. He didn't ask if Phil had heard of him. Maybe he assumed his reputation would precede him, maybe he assumed Phil wasn't up to date on Witch Work Force business as a freelancer. Phil decided not to enlighten him.

Three: Techno didn't much appreciate how well Phil got along with Floof.

Phil really enjoyed sitting outside of his trailer with a foldout chair, usually to read a book or something. When he did so, Floof often came to lie at his feet. And Techno would look through the window and glare. Phil was the sort of person who always found himself being a beacon for animals, probably partly due to his magic and how he used it. He didn't get what the problem was anyway, Floof was a stray - Techno had told him so himself.

That particularity aside though, the two of them got along great. They also didn't exchange more than a few passing words at a time, since Techno always stayed inside. This was a problem since it meant Phil hadn't really managed to interrogate him further.

As it happened, he had just the solution for that. It was time to escalate into more drastic measures.

When Phil said he got along well with animals, he did mean all animals. The woods were overflowing with crows, several murders had made these branches their home. Thus, Phil had trained them to do his bidding with the help of some treats.

On a sunny Friday afternoon, Phil waited until he saw Techno outside tending to his rather impressive vegetable garden. He kept up with the work diligently, Phil had noticed. Maybe Techno enjoyed the routine of the daily tasks. Maybe he was competing with some invisible foe. From what Phil understood that would be in character for him. It was warm, so Techno had taken off his jacket and draped it over the side of his porch. Five minutes later, Phil had the key to Techno's cabin in his hand and a gleeful smirk on his face.

Now he just had to sit back and wait.

Somehow, Techno managed to lock himself out of his own home.

Why did he even lock his door when he was gardening? Well, old habits die hard. Techno had spent so much time looking over his shoulder and expecting people to barge into his house unannounced, his history among the higher ranks of witches meant folks often had it out for him. So maybe, maybe, he had become a bit paranoid. Excuse him for not wanting to end up with a knife in the back.

He locked his door, went out back to tend to his garden, then when he wanted to go back inside again found the key wasn't in the pocket of his jacket anymore. Annoyingly enough, it was the only key he had. The spare was inside. Techno walked around the cabin once to confirm his worst suspicion: that all the windows were also closed. He could probably break the glass to get inside but then he'd have to call somebody to get it replaced. Not being allowed to use his magic really was a nuisance.

"Hey, mate!"

Ah, and obviously the universe wanted to add insult to injury.

Techno did not dislike Phil. He'd had much worse neighbors in his life, Phil was quiet and didn't throw parties late into the night. Techno couldn't remember having seen him invite friends over in the past week or so. In that sense, their lifestyles were rather similar. Phil probably was able to work from home as a freelancer as well.

But one major difference between them was that Phil voluntarily made small talk. He was very chatty. Techno didn't mind when he was invited over during their first meeting, it was good to know what Phil was all about since he'd be camping in Techno's backyard. Ever since, Phil had tried to catch him every time he was outside. Just to make conversation. About nothing in specific - Who does that?! And he'd even charmed Floof with his kind nature.

Techno felt utterly and totally betrayed every time he saw Floof beg for scraps from Phil instead of him. He wouldn't mind being Phil's friend and potential alibi (Techno figured the most likely reason for Phil to be hiding in the woods was because he wanted to lay low from the authorities) but he drew the line at somebody stealing his dog's affection.

"Hey Phil," Techno said. Phil was wearing the same bucket hat again. Techno was starting to think it was physically attached to his scalp.

Now there was a horrifying mental image.

"Is something the matter?" Phil asked innocently. He was wearing sandals, probably because it was close to 28 degrees Celcius. That also made it more baffling for him to be wearing socks in said sandals.

"Nope," Techno answered, popping the P on the word. "I love standing outside my house. Just me and my garden and the dog that I'm in the process of removing out of my will."

"Floof?" Phil asked. And despite spending the entire time Techno had been gardening lying in his hammock completely ignoring him, the dog jumped up at the sound of Phil's voice. Happily trodding over with a wagging tail, Floof sat down near Phil and tilted his snout, wordlessly asking for pets.

Traitor, Techno thought bitterly.

"I was planning to leave all my worldly possession to him if I were to die tragically. Or get assassinated or something," Techno said with a shrug. "You know how it is."

Going by Phil's facial expression, he did not know how it was. Funny, Techno assumed that having mortal enemies was a universal experience. Guess he was wrong.

"I've decided to disown him though," he added. "On grounds of abandonment."

Phil stared at him for a moment longer, non-comprehension made it take a bit for the words to sink in. Then he blinked. "Are you fucking pissed because the dog likes me more?"

"No," Techno lied, "that would be stupid."

"Right." Phil clearly did not believe him. But then he instantly changed the subject. "Since I saw you working in your garden all day, I was wondering if you want to come over for dinner. I can make some food, we could chat."

Uh oh, Phil was doing the thing again. The making small talk thing. Techno couldn't help a grimace from forming on his face.

"Uh, I don't…"

Phil was staring at him with such an open, friendly expression. It made Techno feel bad for refusing him outright, especially if he couldn't give a good reason.

Which meant his best option was to make up some excuse.

"I don't think I have the time," Techno said haltingly. "Wow, would you look at how late it is already?" He looked at his own wrist, belatedly realized he was not wearing a watch rendering the gesture completely useless, then took a big step back away from Phil. "I totally forgot about my appointment."

Phil crossed his arms. "Appointment?"

"With my hairdresser. You think these good looks don't take any effort to maintain?" Techno brushed his fingers through his hair, promptly getting them stuck in several knots and wincing when he had to pull them loose. He often threw his hair into a messy bun while gardening and he'd forgotten to comb it this morning.

Maybe it looking like a total mess would help in convincing Phil he wasn't lying through his teeth.

"I'll take you up on your offer next time," Techno promised - mind already racing to come up with excuses he could use in the future. He couldn't allow himself to be backed into a corner. "See you later, Phil."

He had never gotten into his car faster.

His car keys were on the same chain as his house keys, but his spare car keys were in the glove compartment. Techno left them there because it wasn't like anybody would hike up into the woods to steal a vehicle. Quickly, only careful not to run over Phil in the process because that would obviously force him into more small talk, he drove off.

And then he came to the conclusion he had nowhere to go.

Niki wasn't home, she'd texted him last week that she'd be taking a trip out of town. And that's where Techno's very short list of friends and acquaintances ended. He could drive all the way to the city if he wanted to, but the car was sweltering and heat reflected off the asphalt in waves. If he could, he'd rather not stay on the road too long. But any public parks would be packed. Where could he possibly go that wouldn't be overrun with people?

Before he'd really stopped to consider the decision, Techno found himself pulling up at the worst fast-food restaurant in existence.

He stared at that abysmal cube of a building, seriously wondering if he was about to do this.

There had to be other places, there had to be. Techno had some dignity left, didn't he?

With a sigh, Techno opened the car door and got out. It was much too warm to stay in a parked vehicle, he'd be toasted alive. After spending all afternoon working in his garden, he was pretty much starving too. What was the worst that could happen? That Wilbur and Tommy had sold all their stock again?

Like last time a chime rang out through the store when Techno entered. The restaurant was empty again, though this time Tommy was sitting on the counter with his legs dangling off the front. At a nearby table, Wilbur was drawing and writing vehemently on a piece of paper with several more scattered in front of him.

"I don't think they need to be any stronger, just more like, compressed." Tommy waved his arms around. "And we really need to work out bigger reservoirs or what else is the point?"

"The point is we don't want these to actually kill people." Wilbur looked up at him with a scowl.

"Bruises never killed anybody."

"Hullo," Techno said. He thought him walking in wouldn't have gone unnoticed but it seemed the two others were too engrossed in their conversation to care.

"Can't you see we're talking?" Tommy snapped at him. Techno didn't even blink at their hostility anymore. He had just accepted that this restaurant operated on some weird reverse logic where it was actually the customers who had to try not to inconvenience the staff.

Thankfully for Techno, Wilbur wasn't as openly rude. "Why did you come back?" he asked. Maybe he wanted to get rid of Techno as soon as possible.

"Your impeccable service last time kept me up at night," Techno answered sarcastically. "I simply had to experience it for myself again."

They stared at him. Techno stared back. He was going to regret not picking the quick death of being forced to make small talk with Phil over this slow and agonizing demise through social awkwardness.

"I was hungry and this was the closest place," he added then. It wasn't exactly true, though that certainly had become his motive for entering. "Also I'm trying to avoid my neighbour."

"That's such a weird thing to admit to," Tommy pointed out. Techno didn't feel like pointing out to him that they were openly discussing their illegal weapons trade a few seconds ago (since Wilbur's drawings seemed to be schematics to put together guns or something).

"Can I get some food or not?" Techno asked.

Wilbur opened his mouth to answer but before he could Tommy hopped off the counter. "Sure thing. You better give me a great fucking tip again, because I'm going out of my way for you."

"Going out of your way to do your literal job?" Techno asked the teen's retreating back. Tommy responded by once again flipping him off. Between that being the second time he'd been shown the middle finger and the name of this place which Techno would stubbornly refuse to acknowledge, he was starting to be less surprised that there were no kids or families in there.

No self-respecting parent was going to bring their kid to this health hazard if it also degraded their moral fiber.

"It's not literally his job, you know?" Wilbur suddenly said. "I don't pay him or anything."

"That's probably illegal," Techno said.

"Probably."

Not that Techno was going to do anything about it.

"Do you like our water gun designs?" Wilbur asked. He held up one of his papers, though the drawing was a bit too crude to really be deciphered.

"Uh, sure?"

"You should let me know if you want to buy one." Wilbur nodded. "They're flying off the shelves."

"Like the hot female dogs on buns?" Techno asked. That's when Tommy walked back up to him with a plastic bag in his hand.

"You know you can just say the word 'bitch' right?" Tommy cut in testily. He almost seemed more offended at Techno's refusal to curse than anything else.

"Obviously I can," Techno said. "I'm choosing not to."

"You're so fucking weird," Tommy said with ill-disguised disgust and a scowl that seemed more appropriate to seeing a half-decomposed body than hearing somebody would prefer not to say a naughty word.

Techno held his hand out to receive his food. "Thanks."

Tommy shoved the bag at him with a scoff, though there was something about his face that almost seemed amused. The corner of his lip pulled up into an almost smile.

The smell that came from said bag was indescribable, and not in a good way. Grease was dripping from the bottom, making a puddle on the floor. Techno also couldn't feel any heat coming from the food, meaning it was probably stale.

"Is that my dinner?" Wilbur asked. He stood up, planting his hands on the table.

"Yeah, what else should I give him? You gave him our sandwiches last time?" Tommy hopped back up on the counter.

"Tommy, that's my dinner?" Wilbur repeated a little louder as if the volume was what made his words not get through to the teen.

"It's cold," Techno commented. He would not be eating this. He didn't want to get food poisoning.

"I was planning to throw it in the microwave later," Wilbur defended his absolutely terrible life choice. Techno was silently judging him even harder.

Tommy laughed. "You can thank me for saving you the trouble."

"I should thank you for starving me?" Wilbur looked about ready to throttle his coworker. Tommy laughed harder.

Techno sincerely hoped these two were better at designing water guns than they were at running a restaurant because they might be hitting a dead end in both those career paths soon. He looked in the bag again, forlornly watching damp spots grow against the wax paper and an energy drink in a color he could only name 'nuclear vomit'.

"Never thought I'd regret not taking Phil up on his offer," he sighed to himself.

Wilbur and Tommy both froze in the middle of their bickering.

"What did you just say?" Wilbur asked, eyes wide. His expression was making Techno a little nervous.

"Oh, nothing. My neighbor Phil invited me for dinner and I declined. Maybe I shouldn't have." Techno used the 'bag of OSHA violations' to gesture with.

"Phil as in Philza Craft?" Tommy asked. "Old man, wears a silly hat, is the biggest prick in the universe? That Phil?"

Techno shrugged. "His hat is kind of strange, yeah."

"Why the hell are you and Phil neighbors?" Wilbur demanded. He straightened his back, his shift into seriousness so unanticipated Techno almost became on edge again.

"We only became neighbors a week or so ago," Techno defended - without really knowing what he was justifying. "Do you know him?"

Tommy opened his mouth but this time it was him that got interrupted. Wilbur slammed his hand over Tommy's lips to keep him from talking. "Yeah, Phil is a total jerk. We don't like him, we used to be friends and stuff but not anymore."

"Not anymore?" Techno asked.

This situation was getting weirder and weirder by the minute.

"Well, I'm just saying that somebody might have told you that we are thick as thieves and I'm telling you they're wrong. Phil thinks he's way too good for us, is the thing." Wilbur ignored Tommy starting to struggle for air, too caught up in his monologue to pay attention. "A real narcissist, he is. Feels that he's better than everybody else."

"You don't say," Techno said. He wasn't going to argue about this because it was not his hill to die on. It just didn't make sense either. Phil had never struck Techno as somebody with a big ego. And he should know, he grew up being told he was the best at literally everything.

Wilbur yelped when Tommy bit him and after coughing at being deprived of oxygen too long, Tommy could finally contribute to the conversation.

"Phil is a massive prick. He told us we were stupid."

Wilbur shoved him with an elbow. "Yeah, he's also kind of meddlesome. Always sticks his nose where it doesn't belong."

"I've noticed that." Techno had more or less chalked it up to Phil spying on him. Since he was a freelancer, Techno wasn't sure who had offered Phil a contract or what they wanted from him. He wasn't exactly concerned over the matter though. He'd survived worse.

It was interesting to hear Phil had a reputation in town though.

"Yeah, I think it's better if you just don't interact with him at all honestly," Wilbur said. "Trust me, I know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah, fuck 'em!" Tommy chimed in, receiving another poke from Wilbur for his troubles.

Deciding he'd stomached about enough of his silliness as he could in one day, Techno only nodded vaguely without really answering. He pulled some cash out of his pocket. "Keep the change."

By the look on his face, Tommy still appreciated his tipping.

Techno put the take-out in the back of his car and drove home. Part of him was considering hitting Phil if he was lingering in the driveway again. It would solve the problem pretty permanently. But he wasn't, so Techno's idea of vehicular manslaughter as a way to get rid of his troubles would need to be revisited at a later time. What he did find on his porch were his house keys. Techno had straight up forgotten he'd lost them.

There was a little note attached to the keys.

'Dear Technoblade

I think Floof found these in your garden, he brought them to me.

Be careful not to lose them again, mate. I'll be keeping an eye out.

P.S. You still owe me dinner.'

Technoblade crumpled up the note and threw it into the take-out bag, then proceeded to throw the whole shebang straight into his garbage container. Maybe it could make a local raccoon's day to find such a feast later.

He went inside and headed to his fridge, vowing to never order at the restaurant again and cook for himself from here on out. It would be good for his sanity to never have to interact with those two clowns again.

While he was boiling pasta and staring at the pot this time because he didn't want to have a repeat of his previous performance, his phone vibrated.

It was another message from Niki.

Niki, who was out of town because she thought something bad was going to happen. Niki, who had gone to the Witch lands because she swore she knew that what was brooding there could be dangerous. Niki, who was messaging him now to let him know that what was going on was worse than she thought and she wouldn't be able to contact him for a few days at least because it could spell trouble.

Niki, who Techno couldn't even help because of his damn banishment.

He put his phone down and tried to concentrate on the pasta instead. The ankle monitor might not be visible to normal eyes, but Techno could feel the weight of it pulling him down.