"It should be easy for a man who's strong to say he's sorry or admit when he's wrong

I've never lost anything I ever missed but I've never been in love like this"

-Shameless, Garth Brooks

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Morning

He can't do it. He can't even understand the words, let alone process what his trusted confidant is suggesting. Leave Olivia. Never see her again. And how the hell is he supposed to be faithful to Kathy if he already loves someone else? But, he tells himself, he's never really been unfaithful, not in the way that counts.

He shakes his head, ignoring the crushing suggestion, to protest the entire statement, trying to convince the priest of the lie he's telling himself. "I've always been faithful to Kathy. Olivia and I never-"

"Have you?" His eyes finally move back to Elliot's, full of the judgement and reproach he expected. "How can you say you are faithful when you love another woman?"

Fucking mindreader.

And suddenly, Elliot's head is filled with the memories of Olivia pressed against him, her black lace bra the only thing separating their chests and his boxers doing nothing to mask his instinctive response to her touch, her unexpected actions sparing both of their lives, and he remembers how that moment fueled his and Kathy's sex life for years because he could close his eyes and it wasn't Kathy in his arms and he can admit it's not just about the physical and he knows Hogan is right, that he has been cheating on Kathy for years and Elliot feels fresh tears spilling over his cheeks, no longer spurred by guilt or remorse, but by sadness and loss, because he lost himself, he lost Kathy, and he has to lose Olivia. He has to let everything go. He has to start over from scratch. Maybe this is what they mean by born again.

Hogan speaks again, realizing he has made his point. "You must rededicate yourself to your vows, to the promise you made to Kathy."

And still he protests it. "I was a child when I made that promise. I didn't know what I was saying."

There's no mercy in Hogan's eyes. "We counseled you on that. We tried to tell you that you were very young and you insisted that you were doing the right thing. Now you must live with that decision and the consequences. You made a promise before God in this church and you must keep it if you want to be forgiven." He pauses long enough to stand and make his way to Elliot's pew, sliding into the seat beside the distraught man. "You must be strong and do the right thing, turn your back on temptation."

Turn his back on Olivia. He's not sure he's that strong. He's always been weak when it comes to her.

Elliot's shoulders shake with the force of his sobs and he feels like he's being gutted alive, his body and soul turned inside out. "I don't think I can do that. I can't leave her. I can't hurt her like that." Because he knows, no matter that they've never said anything about it, she feels the same, she loves him, she'll suffer the pain of this too and she's done nothing wrong.

"Let Olivia find pure, untainted love, Elliot. She deserves to be loved by someone who doesn't feel guilty for it. And your wife, your family, deserve your undivided love."

The pain is too much and he feels himself falling, sliding off the polished wood seat and then his knees hit the kneeler and he's slumped over the pew in front of him and he's sobbing and he feels the gentle hand patting his back and the promise that God will forgive him this grievous sin if he repents and devotes himself to his family and God will grant Olivia the happiness she deserves as well.

It takes hours before Elliot is able to make his way back to his car and he's trying to heed Father Hogan's advice and he's not sure he's capable because he's just not strong enough. But he drives around the city again and tries to convince himself that if nothing else, Father Hogan was right about Liv deserving happiness and he knows he's not able to make her happy.

And still, he can't resist. He knows it's wrong and he does it anyway and he feels like shit even as he does it. He's outside her apartment again and this time, he parks and gets out and climbs the steps to the front door of her building. He's in the elevator and he's walking down the hallway and he's telling himself this is the last time. He knows Father Hogan is right. He can't keep doing this. He needs to leave her alone and let her have a partner who can actually think straight when she's in the same room and give her space to find someone who can love her and actually say it. But he has to tell her, he can't let her find out from Cragen that he's leaving because he's her partner and it's his responsibility to break the news.

He's right outside her door when his phone rings, her number lighting his screen. He can't answer, though it's so tempting to pick up and tell her he's right there and she'll open the door with a wide smile and the phone still pressed to her ear and he imagines hearing her voice and he knows she's calling to check on him because they never go this long without checking in and Cragen probably didn't expect them to follow his decree anyway, but he just can't. He realizes he can't look at her and tell her he's leaving her. He can't explain why. He can't listen to her ask him to reconsider or worse to keep in touch or fuck to stay friends. He simply cannot. He knows the moment he hears her voice he'll fold and he'll be on his knees begging her for forgiveness for having thought about leaving her.

Father Hogan was right about temptation. Elliot is well aware he can't keep teasing the line because he knows he'll cross it eventually. He's crying again as he powers off his phone and walks back to his car and drives back home. He has to quit cold turkey if he has any chance of succeeding.

Kathy and Eli are waiting for him in the living room and Eli is having a meltdown over some broken toy and Kathy is rolling her eyes because she's been stuck with a cranky four-year-old all day again and he feels like he owes them something for putting up with him because it's his fault, not theirs. Especially because he knows he's going to be an absolute bastard for a long time until he can accept his new life, like he's a damn addict in recovery.

"I was thinking we should go to Disney World. Eli would love to meet Goofy and the change of scenery will do you good." Kathy looks hopeful as she speaks, probably surprised to see Elliot sober after so long, and Eli's tears pause momentarily at the mention of his favorite character.

Elliot thinks about Liv, perpetually alone because she's waiting for something he'll never be able to give her. He thinks about Kathy, constantly competing with an ideal that she'll never live up to. He thinks about Eli, who has only known his father tormented and miserable and mostly absent. There's a chance one of his children will grow up knowing his father loves him.

He nods and feels the pull to run away because he thinks it might be easier to recover if he's too far away to slip up. He's a damn junkie after all and he needs a clean break, just like Hogan suggested. "Yeah, ok, Disney World, sure." He's got months of leave saved up because he never takes time off because he doesn't get to see Olivia when he's home.

"Really?" Kathy seems somewhat alarmed at his lack of argument.

He sits down on the couch and takes a deep breath, steadying himself to breathe life into the most painful decision he's ever made. "I think I should quit."

Kathy's surprised and she doesn't try to hide it, but she does have the sense to turn away as the shock fades to happiness. "What about money? Your retirement isn't going to pay the mortgage."

He swallows hard, turning his thoughts to normal concerns like finances and how to support his family instead of being focused only on saving his cursed soul. "Tom has a private security gig that he says pays pretty well. Maybe he can put in a good word for me."

Kathy's eyes turn back to him, unsure and curious and still a little concerned. "Isn't Tom overseas most of the time?" Part of Kathy's issue with the job is Olivia, he knows that, but part is also that he's never home, and he knows being on a different continent won't alleviate that strain.

He wants to point out that she might see less of him, but it would be different because he would just be at work and not with Olivia, but he can't say it because Father Hogan and the church might be willing to forgive him, but Kathy will certainly never let him redeem himself. "He's mostly based in Europe, I think." He doesn't even know where the thoughts come from, but they fall out of his mouth like divine inspiration. "Maybe we could move to London or something. It might be easier. We'd be closer."

Divine inspiration is right because Kathy's eyes are brighter than when he'd asked her to marry him. "What about Rome? I always wanted to live in Rome!"

He forces a smile, promises himself the first day is always the hardest, and nods. "Yeah, maybe." He realizes from the smile Kathy can't hide that he can make one of them happy. He can't make Olivia happy and he knows that, but the idea of him actually being present in their marriage is enough to bring tears of joy to Kathy's eyes and she deserves to be happy because she's never done anything to deserve the situation in which she's been placed.

He expects the tightness in his chest will fade with time, that he'll feel redeemed as he earns his forgiveness, but somewhere, deep down inside where he won't acknowledge it, he knows the truth. The pain of this decision will never leave him. But he'll deal with it, he'll accept it, he'll bear it. For her. So she can be happy.

And it's very important for his mental health and his damned soul that he never define she.