"I need to know that you're still there
Are you still there"
-Turn the Lights On, Saliva

Wednesday, June 14, 2023
Morning

Everything still hurts, but it's different now, perhaps because his brain isn't quite so foggy. His thoughts aren't so muddled and he realizes that it must have been medication that was making him so confused and tired and spacey. He comes to that realization as he sees the nurse standing by his IV with a bunch of accoutrements he knows are going to render him unconscious again. But this time, as much as everything hurts, he doesn't want to go back to sleep. He wants to understand. He wants to think. He wants to know if she is real.

Because the vast majority of him is completely sure that Olivia does exist and that the memories of their partnership and his life are real, but he remembers Kathy being here the last time he opened his eyes and he knows if Olivia is real, then Kathy is gone. But there's no one here right now to help him understand besides the nurse and she's about to knock him out again.

He has to stop her. He has to know what's real and what isn't and he can't bear the thought of waking up to this confusion again without ever having resolved it. He tries to reach out, to signal that he doesn't want the medicines she's about to inject into his IV, but his arm won't move and he realizes trying just made it hurt.

The pain does serve a purpose, the irrepressible groan of agony falling from his lips getting the attention of the nurse and alerting him to the fact that the tube he remembers being in his throat is gone.

"Welcome back." The nurse smiles widely, her tone excited enough that he wonders how long he was out. "Your medicine is right here. It'll feel better in a minute."

It hurts like hell, his mouth feeling drier than the damn desert and his throat feeling like someone took a cheese grater to it, but he forces out the words. "No, please."

The nurse looks concerned, checking the IV bags and the syringes she has laid out on the table. "You don't want any medicine?"

He shakes his head and regrets the movement because he fucking hurts and as much as he doesn't want to be out cold again, he doesn't want everything to hurt either. "Stay awake," is all he can manage and he's not sure his voice is loud enough for her to hear.

But she nods and she slips one of her syringes back into her pocket. "I'll let the doctor know you're awake and refusing pain meds, but you really should have the rest. Antibiotics, anticoagulants-"

He's not sure he has the strength to argue and honestly he's not sure he's going to stay awake for long anyway so he nods and cuts her off. "Ok, ok."

She returns to her task of probably keeping him alive and he wonders if he even wants that. Depends on answers to questions he has to force out of his mouth. He steels himself for the pain. "Where?" Extra words are too much for him and he hopes she understands.

"You're in the ICU. You were shot."

He wants to roll his eyes and spit out 'no shit Sherlock' but this woman is his only hope for information and it's too many words anyway. "Where," he tries again.

She swallows hard and looks uncomfortable. "Your chest, side, and right arm. The doctor can tell you more."

He's frustrated that he can't ask what he wants to, but while the nurse is waiting for his next question, he finds the information he wanted on her hospital ID badge pinned to her scrubs, NYU Langone, and he's thanking the god he doesn't believe in anymore that it's not a military ID. But still, he's from Brooklyn and so it's not impossible he wound up back at home for treatment somehow. "When?"

She checks her watch, completely misunderstanding. "Five of six. Your family will probably be back soon. Your wife has been so worried she barely left your side. I'm surprised she's not here now."

His heart clenches as he hears the word wife because he's in too much pain to lie to himself right now and he knows he wants Olivia but then he remembers how many times people have mistaken Olivia for his wife and how neither of them bother to correct it unless necessary and it doesn't seem like Kathy would be able to be glued to his bedside if she has two small children in her care. Then again, Olivia probably wouldn't have been here because she fucking hates him. And so he's starting to convince himself that maybe he's slipped into that parallel universe where Olivia is his wife and she loves him and just the thought makes the pain stop for a moment.

He doesn't want to cling to false hope though and he squeezes his eyes closed and he wants to ask which family he should expect - Kathy and his two little girls or Olivia and his grown brood of five or some unexpected mix of Olivia and his kids.

He closes his eyes and is thankful that the exasperation shows on his face because Emily, the name printed on her badge, seems to understand that her answer wasn't the one he was looking for. "It's Wednesday morning. You were shot last Thursday. We started weaning you off sedation yesterday."

Again, it's not helpful and he wishes asking if he's slipped into a parallel universe was a standard question so she might guess it. He's tempted to try, because his chest is burning with the need to know if Olivia is real but he knows that if she is real then she hates him and he doesn't want to know and if she's not real then he doesn't want to know either so he decides he'll just have to find out when his family arrives. "Thanks."

As soon as the woman is gone, her words about the location of his injuries sink in and even though everything hurts, he's able to localize things a bit better. The pain seems to be worse on his right side, his trunk hurting like hell and his arm shit he can't think about how much that hurts except to think maybe he should have taken the pain meds. His neck is stiff as he turns to look, but he manages the slight movement and he sees a truly ridiculous amount of bandages completely obscuring his right arm to the point where he can't see his fingers.

His head flops down on the bed and he's fucking exhausted from looking at his arm and he listens to the beeping and watches the sky lighten through the window and waits for his family to show up and he tries not to imagine what it might be like to find out he really is married to Olivia. Because if there's a heaven, it's being with her.

There's a gentle knock at the door and his heart is in his throat as he imagines it must be Olivia coming to see him, he's sure of it, because he wants it to be Olivia, but it's another woman peeking around the edge of the door, and if Elliot is confident of anything at this point, it's that he doesn't know her.

He's moderately pleased with his ability to identify that much when she steps into the room, introducing herself at Dr. Rossi while plugging her ears with her stethoscope as though that's all the conversation she's willing to have. She doesn't say much besides phrases that seem to be meant to reassure herself, quiet oks and hmms and yeah, good and Elliot wants to ask what is going on, but he's too tired and thoroughly regretting his refusal of the pain medication when Rossi peels down his blanket and pulls up his gown and pokes him in the side. He's grunting in pain and she keeps prodding and he's clenching his teeth to keep from screaming and she is apparently determined to make him, but just as he's about to break and ask for painkillers, she stops, replaces his gown and blanket and turns her attention to his IVs.

Elliot's eyes are still squeezed closed as he tries to convince himself the pain will eventually settle back to the intolerable level it was at before the doctor tried to kill him and he's afraid the longer his eyes stay closed, the bigger the chance is that either he'll pass out or she'll think he's asleep and so he tries to ignore the pain and pull his eyes back open because fuck he needs some kind of answers.

He forces his eyes back open to find the doctor is looking at him again. "Can you tell me your name, sir?"

He grunts out "Stabler" and figures that's enough.

"Do you know where you are?"

He wants to laugh at the irony, really he does, because he knows where he is, just not which universe it is, but it's too much work. "NYU Brooklyn."

"And the date?" She thinks she has him and she does because he has no idea.

But he remembers Emily and he thinks he's been awake the whole time since then. "It's Wednesday."

"Ok, good." Satisfied, the doctor smiles and Elliot almost does too because he's convinced her he's not nearly as confused as he actually is.

"Mr. Stabler, the nurse said you refused your pain medication, is that true?" She looks disappointed. "You're less than twenty-four hours out from surgery, so I wouldn't recommend that."

He's more confused now because Emily said it had been almost a week since he'd been shot and he figures if he'd needed surgery that would have been sooner and now he's starting to think he's got some kind of head injury because he doesn't understand anything and he's in too much pain to make it long so he's going to ask for clarification and then agree to the meds because sleeping seems like a much, much better idea than staying awake.

"Surgery?" He's winded and he knows he shouldn't be since he's been awake for maybe a half hour and hasn't done a damn thing besides look at his arm, but he remembers Emily saying he'd been shot in the chest so that might be why.

Rossi nods. "You've had four since last week. You were shot multiple times, so it took some work to get you on the mend."

He wants to yell because he just wants the damn information, a fucking bullet list would be nice, so he knows and can move on to panicking about the fact that he honestly can't be sure which woman he remembers loving is his wife. "Short version."

"You were shot six times, injuries to your right lung and liver, two surgeries to repair those, an ORIF for your humerus, and the fourth was yesterday to replace the hardware in your arm that appeared to be the source of an infection. Your condition has stabilized since then. How are you feeling?"

He glares at her for the question, but he's satisfied that she answered the question in a succinct way, and then he's suddenly acutely aware of how it feels to have been cut open four times in less than a week and apparently have his insides glued back together and he has no idea what ORIF means but he knows it's fucking painful. He thinks about asking her if she's seen his wife and if so, if she can describe his wife, but he really doesn't want a psych consult right now. He gives up, feeling the tears starting to well in response to the pain he can't take anymore. "Pain."

She nods her understanding of his rasp. "Change your mind about those painkillers?"

He tries to nod and realizes he can barely move his head because even that hurts.

"I'll send Emily back in with them." She gives a quick glance around the room. "First time I haven't seen your family here with you. Bad timing, I guess, they've been asking when you might wake up, I'm not sure they'll believe me when I tell them."

He wants to feel bad because he does want to see them, whoever they are, but his world is narrowing to pure pain again and he doesn't have the energy to respond. His eyes slip closed and he's out before Emily returns with the syringe.