"Oh god, if you're out there won't you hear me, I know we've never talked before
And oh god, the man I love is leaving, won't you take him when he comes to your door"
-Hold On, Sarah McLachlan

Monday, June 12, 2023
Morning

He's still holding on. He's shivering from the fever and his heart is racing and apparently the machine is doing more of the breathing now, but Olivia clings to the idea that he's still here. He's still fighting. She hates that he has to fight so hard to stay alive, but she's glad he is.

She's still leaning against the wall and Maureen is against the adjacent wall in front of the window and the damn sun is obnoxiously bright and Olivia's phone is buzzing with an incoming call from McGrath and it's the last thing she feels like right now, but she also doesn't want to be homeless and so needs to keep her job or be eligible to keep her retirement, so she looks at Maureen and nods toward the door. "I have to take this, I'll be right back."

Maureen nods, though her face looks nervous as her eyes dart over the unhappy monitors. "I won't leave before you come back."

"It's my boss, should just be a few minutes." She ducks out into the hallway, daring to head outside the main doors of the ICU, feeling too guilty to take a work call in a unit where people are fighting for their lives.

McGrath is more angry than Fin had warned her and she's barely able to get a word in while he rants and raves about how she was already doing a shit job and now she's just not showing up for work and she's glad this is happening on the phone and not in person because there are tears in her eyes and they really have nothing to do with McGrath but at the idea that Elliot is probably dying thirty feet away and her boss screaming at her about what a fuckup she is just appears to be the last fucking straw. When he finally stops, likely because he needs to breathe and not because he's run out of her faults to list, she issues a quiet apology and explains again that a close friend is very sick and she can't work right now.

He scoffs at her response and informs her that he quite definitely expects her at work in the morning or she's going to have plenty of time to help out her friend.

When she steps back into Elliot's room, a half hour has passed, but instead of Maureen's worried face, the woman has a smile to greet her. "He opened his eyes!"

Olivia's eyes immediately dart to Elliot, as though she expects to see him sitting up and protesting medical care, but his eyes are closed and the monitors are still unhappy and there's no proof that he moved at all. "He did? He was awake?"

Maureen nods. "The nurse said it was probably his pain meds wearing off or something," she waves toward the array of machines spitting out data Olivia can't follow, "she said his heart rate was up too because of the fever, but he looked at me."

"Did he say anything?" She wants to share in Maureen's glee, but she knows better and she knows that his eyes opening doesn't mean much on a brain-function scale, which is the real concern here, after the infection that's threatening his life currently, but she doesn't share that with his daughter.

She shakes her head, smile still in place. "No, but he was awake. That's a good sign!"

Olivia fakes a smile back and doesn't correct her. Instead, she leans against the wall and rues taking the call from McGrath because if she'd been here, if she'd seen his eyes, she would have known the difference. She'd know if it had simply been a base instinct or if he'd been in there. One second of eye contact and she'd be sure. Instead she has to stand here, afraid to get any closer based on the doctor's warning that one of them might have made him sick, and hope like hell that Maureen is right.

She gets a text from Fin, letting her know he's heard about the funerals for the men who were with Elliot and asking if she wants him to attend and she wants to say yes, but she knows she has to go because she's going in Elliot's place so it wouldn't be right to send Fin in hers. She's already tired because she hasn't slept in days and she's a little worried that her dress uniform might need to be dry cleaned and she's dreading driving home and leaving Elliot's side.

And then she remembers her truck is still parked outside Elliot's apartment where she left it last week. Fuck. She answers Fin, refusing his suggestion and asking instead if he can go get her truck for her and drop it at her place, directing him to the spare set of keys in her desk drawer.

She swallows hard at his question of where and she doesn't know if he knows where Elliot lives, but she's willing to bet he does because her sergeant makes knowing everyone's business his life's work. Outside Elliot's apartment, she confesses following up with the address in case he doesn't already know. Fin's no problem tells her she'll hear about it later, when things are better hopefully and the man will have no shame in teasing her.

By that afternoon, the hospital staff is voicing their concerns that Elliot's fever is getting worse and the antibiotics aren't helping and they're going to have to figure out what is causing the infection and they're trying to do it before he dies.

Maureen is passed out asleep in the chair next to Elliot's bed, her rationale in sitting close being that everyone's implying it's too late anyway and Olivia can't accept that and so she stays on the far side of the room and watches him breathing and stares at his face and hopes he opens his eyes again so she can see him and mostly so he sees that she's here and all the bullshit fighting is meaningless because she's here and she needs him to be ok.

There's another text, this one from Noah's school, informing her that Noah is sick and he needs to be picked up and Olivia is worried about Noah because the boy rarely gets sick, but when he does, he gets really sick, and it breaks her heart to have to leave Elliot because part of her is convinced that the moment she leaves he'll give up again but there's nothing she can do and she can't ask Fin to get Noah because he's busy getting her car and there's no way to ask the babysitter to go get a sick Noah and bring him home and she's not going to trust anyone else to take care of her son and she has to go to the funerals, two days in a row tomorrow and Wednesday, and she's going to have to show up at work tomorrow just to make sure she still works there and so she has no choice.

She looks at Elliot, his face flushed with fever, his body still shaking with chills under the pile of blankets, his chest only rising and falling with the assistance of a machine, and she feels the tears starting again because he's so very sick and she's honestly not sure if he'll still be here when she comes back. But her son and the services to remember the men who died next to Elliot and her job to keep a roof over Noah's head and she can't stay no matter how much she wants to be there with him in case he opens his eyes again.

Rather than wake Maureen, she sends a text to the group that she has to get Noah and to please keep her informed of any changes and she's staring at the phone waiting for someone to promise they'll keep her in the loop and she wonders if they even know who Noah is and she gets back a thumbs up from Elizabeth and a moment later Rich says can't wait to meet him when dad's better and she sniffles thinking how ridiculous it is that these kids call her family but they've never met her son and her son doesn't even know their names.

She's distracted by her thoughts and when she steps out of the room, she walks right into a man who'd been on his way in to visit. The black shirt and pants don't give him away, but the white collar and bible in his hand do. It takes her a moment to place him, but she does, remembering him as the priest from Kathy's funeral. She remembers that he's known Elliot since he was a kid, but she can't for the life of her remember his name. She forces a friendly smile and tries to step past, but unfortunately, the man seems to remember her too.

"Olivia?"

She swallows hard and wonders why this man knows her name, her face, because she didn't speak to him at the funeral. She'd been there for the kids, not even for Elliot really because she'd been phenomenally pissed off at him at the time, and not even for Kathy, a woman she might have lied and called her friend once upon a time. She digs and digs and digs and she isn't sure she even heard this man called by name and there's nothing there for her to find. "I'm sorry, I don't believe we've been introduced, you're Elliot's priest, right?"

His smile falters for a moment, a microexpression Olivia catches and immediately puts her on guard. He nods as though he's considering where to start and Olivia's eyes are on the unit door behind him and she wants to run for it, even if it means leaving Elliot behind. "I remember you from Mrs. Stabler's funeral. I'm Father Hogan, I was Elliot's priest for a long time."

She feels that he's made several noticeable word choices, both referring to Kathy by her title and identifying himself in the past tense related to Elliot. The former will take some time to turn over in her brain, but the latter she has to dispute. "He's alive, no need for the past tense."

The priest pinches the book with the fingers of both hands and though she doesn't know why she knows something about her has set his hackles up, a feeling that's mutual. "I only meant he hasn't come to Mass for a long time. I assume he's found a new parish to attend."

She honestly has no idea because she and Elliot gave up talking about religion a long time ago. He'd asked her to be Eli's godmother, promised her he wouldn't tell anyone she wasn't Catholic if she didn't, and she'd told herself it was meant to be a compliment and replied fuck no anyway. Her eyes dart back to the doors and she grips her phone in her hand and wants to be somewhere else. "Ok, well, it was nice seeing you again." She takes a step back and she's glad for it because Hogan reaches out to put his hand on her shoulder and she's able to continue moving back in a natural way that makes it look like an accidental rebuff.

"I'm here to perform the Anointing of the Sick, you're welcome to stay."

She shakes her head, thinking of Noah and how he's sick too and waiting for her. "My son is waiting to be picked up from school. Maureen is inside." She's not sure if there needs to be a witness or something, but she's certainly not going to be it.

"Ms. Benson-"

"I'm late to get my son." She doesn't know what the priest wants to say, but she knows she doesn't want to hear it. There's no reason he'd know her full name from a day they hadn't met or spoken and as she's riding in the elevator she recalls the way he called Kathy Mrs. Stabler and it clicks and she squeezes her eyes closed as she realizes this man knows things about Elliot and Kathy that she was never privy to, things that they would have mentioned in the safety and privacy of a confessional, things which labeled her as a part of their sins, whether because Kathy hated her or Elliot didn't.

She feels sick as she hails a cab to take her to get Noah, wishing like hell she hadn't bumped into the man. And she can't help but wonder if that's part of why Elliot found a new parish.