"Be careful what you wish for cause you just might get it all
You just might get it all and then some you don't want"
-Home, Daughtry

Friday, March 5, 2021
Evening

It's his fault. That's all he can think. He brought this on all of them.

Kathy's fury didn't die down, not even when he tried back out of it, not when he spent the entire weekend not responding to anything she said that was designed to start a fight, not when he pointed out that they obviously couldn't go because that would involve leaving their son with friends while they were in another country and he said he didn't want to face her because he wouldn't know what to say to her anyway and Kathy said he should write her a letter and he just stared at her like it was a joke he didn't get and she wasn't kidding and when he said he still wouldn't know what to say, she dictated it to him and because he was still thinking there was some way out of it, he wrote down her words and when Kathy wasn't looking, he added something else, told her about their happy little world where they've always been together because he wants her to know about it, just in case she somehow reads it.

Kathy got more and more obsessed, insisted on planning their trip, reviewing his work calendar to prove that it was perfect timing so he could have those meetings in person rather than over Zoom. She'd faked a smile while shooting daggers with her eyes and claiming I want to see her too and when he didn't answer, following up with I'll know if I see you together. She kept it up for two solid weeks, slamming doors and throwing things at him and insisting on packing for him and he didn't bother to stop her, just hoped there would be enough time to get his suit pressed after they got to the city because he didn't dare fix the way she'd waded it into a ball in the suitcase. She spent the entire ten hour flight pointedly not speaking to him. They rented a car, checked into the hotel, and didn't say a single fucking word to one another. Elliot was heading out, balled up suit in his hand, with a few hours to spare before the ceremony before she finally asked him where he was going and then decided she needed some fresh air too and went with him with a smug grin on her face as though she thought she'd successfully thwarted a secret rendezvous.

By the time they've come back, showered, and changed, Kathy's confident attitude is gone and he sees the way her hands are shaking as she puts in her earrings and the way she hesitates as she steps into her shoes and he knows she is suddenly rethinking this whole thing. He feels bad for her, because he knows all too well what it feels like to realize that you've made an enormous mistake, that you've backed yourself into a corner, and he thinks about offering her an out, toys with the idea of saying he doesn't want to go, but he does want to go and he desperately wants to see Olivia and if he suggests Kathy can stay in the hotel room while he goes to see her, well, that suggestion won't go over well.

So they head out and he's trying to ignore the way Kathy is nervously checking her watch and he's fighting traffic because he has to stop by one PP to pick up some files to review before his meetings on Monday and she's sighing loudly because of course there's nowhere to park and he finally finds a spot and asks if she wants to wait in the car and she says of course not because she's not going to give him a minute's peace until she's convinced. He has to walk slower than he normally would because Kathy can't keep up with him when she's in heels and she's not complaining about her feet yet but she knows it's coming because it always does and he realizes he should have just double parked in front of the building because he's got the ID tag on the dash of the rental so the car wouldn't have gotten towed away in the amount of time it would have taken him to run inside. By the time they're heading back to the car, the sun has set and it's starting to rain and it's colder than he remembers and Kathy is muttering about her feet hurting now and saying how they're going to show up late and everyone will see them when they walk in late and they're finally back at the car when his phone rings. Kathy's eyes meet his and she smirks and he just rolls his eyes.

One minute he's answering his phone, stepping away from the car where Kathy is muttering about how it's probably his girlfriend and he has no idea who it is because the number is blocked and he's tossing her the keys because she's grumbling about the rain and he doesn't even know how he got so far away from the car in the amount of time it took her to put the keys in the ignition, but somehow he's far enough away to be stupefied, but entirely unharmed, from the blast.

His ears are ringing as he's shouting at her, crouched over Kathy's bloodied body next to a burning car, and she's unconscious and he can't hear anything over the rush of blood in his ears and he's shaking too hard to feel for a pulse, but he's trying because he knows this is all his fault. She shouldn't be here. He shouldn't be here. This is what he set in motion by calling Fin and he's standing up because there's a couple approaching and the man says he's a doctor and asks if he called for help yet and his girlfriend is calling 911 and Elliot is calling dispatch as well and he doesn't know what he's saying, but he's reporting it as a 10-13 because he needs help and he knows everyone around will respond and he's requesting her as the supervisor on scene. He thinks it's ridiculous because she's surely at her ceremony by now and Fin probably didn't tell her he was coming and so Fin will just think he flaked but she'll probably never know the difference, but the dispatcher returns from putting him on hold and reports that Captain Benson has confirmed she is responding.

There's an absurd number of NYPD squad cars bathing the street in flashing lights and it's making his head spin and his ears aren't ringing anymore but he definitely preferred that to the splitting headache and he's standing by helplessly while the paramedics are trying to stabilize Kathy on the sidewalk before they can even get her on the backboard and FDNY is trying to shoo everyone away while they make sure the car isn't going to explode again and the ESU is here now and checking all the cars on the street for explosives and Elliot is just standing there in shock watching the scene he created.

He knows he brought this on everyone, except he still doesn't understand, because his god is not vengeful, the god he's always believed in and prayed to is merciful and forgiving and why is Kathy being punished for his sins. It's all wrong and backwards and he wishes he'd been in the car, but he always opens the door for Kathy first so even if he had been in the car, she still would have gotten caught in the blast and he wants to scream in frustration because no matter how much he wanted to be with her, he never wanted anything to happen to Kathy.

Kathy is finally being lifted onto the backboard and then the stretcher and he has been watching everything so closely but his eyes are suddenly drawn away to the black SUV rolling up and he knows, his body knows, it's her, his heart leaping in his chest as she climbs out of the truck and he hears her voice for the first time in so, so long and it brings tears to his eyes and he knows she has no idea why she's here and she's in a dress and higher heels than she'd ever work in and her hair is curled so beautifully and he'd forgotten how fucking gorgeous she is and he shouldn't notice that right now and he's supposed to be seeing her from the very back of a dark auditorium where she'd never know he was there and instead she's looking at the car that just exploded with Kathy inside and she's turning around to figure out why she's here and the paramedics are getting closer to her and Elliot is still standing there, watching, and it feels like it's in slow motion as Kathy is wheeled past and Olivia sees her, of course she does, and she's horrified and shocked herself and Elliot feels like something in the universe has shifted as Kathy is rolled away and suddenly Olivia is closer and he calls out to her, says her nickname out loud for the first time in so long, and she's turning to look at him and it's not like in any of his fantasies where she smiles and runs toward him and holds him and she's just staring at him and he's trying to understand why he's getting something he wants so damn much while Kathy is being punished for his sins.

But it's not really what he wants, not the way she's looking at him. She's more stunned than he is, obviously because she had no clue she was going to see him, and judging from her expression, she didn't ever care to see him again.

He doesn't know what he's saying because he feels like he's in a waking dream where everything is wrong and he's entirely to blame and Kathy is hurt and Olivia is trying to be polite but he knows she's fucking furious and he's calling the kids not to say they're in town for a surprise visit, but that their mother was the victim of a car bombing, and he's just going through the motions and relying on instinct to survive, but he's fucking praying that he wakes up soon from this nightmare because he thinks he's going to lose his mind from the guilt.