"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way"
-Whatever It Takes, Lifehouse

Saturday, July 8, 2023
Evening

She's settled in for a quiet night at home, in her flannel pajamas with her hair in a messy ponytail, a cup of hot tea on the coffee table, and a book one of the other dance moms recommended on her lap. Noah is off with the McCanns this weekend and they've sworn to take it easy on him and she thinks Noah finally learned his lesson about taking his medicine and he promised to check in three times a day and she knows he earned this break because he managed to catch up on all his school work and perform in the Spring recital, with the embarrassingly awful paint job on the sets and all.

And honestly, she needs the rest too. She's still holding onto her job by the skin of her teeth and McGrath has started suggesting that she needs some help in the form of a lieutenant friend of his who might be able to lend her a hand. She's resisting so far and she's planning to demand Fin get promoted if McGrath insists she needs a lieutenant because she doesn't want the damn job if she can't keep Fin at her side. But McGrath seems to be back to his normal level of disappointment with her and now that she's showing up for work every day, she assumes she can keep navigating her way through his bullshit.

She checks her email for anything important from work and finds a message from Fin that she'd somehow missed last weekend and just as she's about to open it, a text comes in from Elliot reporting I'm outside can I come up and there's suddenly a nervous swarm of butterflies in her belly and she knows her relaxing night is over and she hasn't heard from him in two weeks and she's wondering about that because the way they'd left things hadn't been great.

She's waiting at the door and the phone is still gripped in her hand and she's trying to distract herself from the nerves and she's opening that email from Fin and she realizes it's not about work but this visit because it only says talked to Stabler you're gonna hear from him and she wishes she hadn't missed the note because she would have liked a week to prepare and a glass or two of wine in her system and she wonders if it really took Elliot a week to finally ask Fin or if Fin put off the discussion because he didn't want to talk about it anymore more than she did.

And now she's wondering if she has time to pour herself some wine and she knows she doesn't and she's right because there's the knock and now that she knows what it's about, it sounds ominous.

She opens the door and tries to smile while avoiding his eyes. He certainly looks better than the last time she saw him and he appears sober. The sling is gone, his right arm hanging at his side. She sees the difference between his arms though, his t-shirt fitting tightly over his left bicep and the left side of his chest, but hanging loosely on the right where the muscles have atrophied from lack of use and the scars are peeking out from under his sleeve. She's still happy to see him in one piece and upright and she wants to drink that in, but she doesn't let her eyes linger because she knows he's insecure about losing his strength and she doesn't want to upset him, not right now. She steps back and opens the door to welcome him in and she sees the way he's chewing on his lip and realizes that he's nervous too.

"Want something to drink?" She's already heading toward the kitchen because she wants a drink when he surprises her with his answer.

"Water is fine."

She tries to hide her disappointed sigh because water will not quell the butterflies, but she understands this conversation is probably better had sober, especially considering how badly their conversations go when one or both of them are drunk. She pulls two bottles of water from the fridge and passes one to him. She's waiting for him to start because he's the one who came here.

"You have any plans for next weekend?"

It's not what she's expecting and she's not prepared for him to ask her on a date under the circumstances. She's wary and she knows it reflects in her voice as she checks the calendar over his shoulder. "No, I don't think so, what do you need?"

He flinches and she realizes she said exactly the wrong thing but she doesn't have time to correct herself. "Nothing, never mind."

She wants to reach out, close the space between them and grasp his hand and reconnect with him the way only skin contact does with them, but he's out of reach and she suspects, with the way his guard is now up, that he'll run for the door. Swallowing hard, she tries to fix it even though she's still not prepared for the date discussion tonight. "No, really, what's up?"

He shakes his head, his eyes locked on the water bottle she realizes he's holding in his left hand. "It's not important, don't worry about it."

She sighs quietly and wonders if they'll ever get past this or if there really is no way to salvage their relationship. The idea hurts and her heart clenches and her teeth grind and she fights back the urge to sob because as angry and hurt and confused as she is, she doesn't want to lose him. Not again. Not without trying.

"I talked to Fin."

Her fist tightens around her water bottle, squeezing it until the thin plastic folds and water spills over the top. She knew that. Only just, but she knew and still it hurts and she hates that he knows because he still treated her like she was normal and now he's going to treat her like she's broken and she realizes the whole reason she wanted him to know was for a physical relationship she figures is off the table now because he's going to see her as a victim.

He's there with a paper towel, taking the bottle from her hand and wiping up the mess and she's just standing there like she's in shock and she sees he's using his left arm and so it's a sloppy attempt to clean like Noah makes and she thinks maybe he's broken too.

She wipes her hand dry on her pants and tries to pretend everything is fine. "How's your arm?"

His eyes move to hers, but she's carefully looking at his cheek and so avoids his curious stare and he gets the message and nods and then shrugs and then shoves his left hand in his jeans pocket and the right dangles at his side. "The left one still works."

She thinks he's realizing coming here was a bad idea and she's hoping he remedies that soon and leaves because it's just too awkward now and maybe if some more time goes by it'll be less weird and she hates that it's come down to this and she wants to tell him it's ok that he doesn't feel the same anymore now that he knows about Lewis except it's not because she fucking wants this and she doesn't want to let it go and she's not sure anymore if she wants him to leave or stay but she does know she wants it to be better for them and she wants him to know that.

She reaches out, her hand touching his wrist and she worries that she shouldn't touch his right arm at all because there's a reason he's not using it and she jerks back because maybe she's hurting him and she feels like an idiot when she meets his eyes finally. But she sees no reproach there and it only takes a second of that eye contact to remind her that while things are a shitshow with them personally, it's not over because it will never be over with them while they're still alive.

And it hits her again that he almost wasn't still alive and she would have lost him forever and she doesn't care if he's careful of her like she's broken because she's going to be careful of him too, not because he's broken, but because she doesn't want to break him.

She moves forward, her arms sliding over his shoulders, her body pressing into his, and she feels the way he hesitates and she hopes she's not hurting him but she's not going to let go unless he asks and she doesn't expect he's going to because he's squeezing her back hard with his left arm and his right hand is gripping her waist and she buries her face in his throat and lets out a breath she thinks she's been holding for twenty years.

His face turns in, his whisper falling against her ear. "I'm sorry, Liv, I'm so sorry, I should have been here."

She shakes her head because she doesn't really want his apology, she wants him to have been here so everything would be different and it wouldn't have happened at all and she knows that his presence might not have made a difference and she shouldn't blame him, but she knows she's always going to wonder what if like she wonders it already about so damn many things.

"Don't, El, I don't want to talk about it." She feels him tense and start to pull away, but she doesn't let go and when his body relaxes again, she continues. "It's something you need to know because it affects me in a lot of little ways that you probably haven't noticed yet, but you will when-"

She stops suddenly, realizing she's talking to him like their relationship progressing is a foregone conclusion and it is in her mind but she never told him that and she's not sure he still wants one now that he knows.

He's pulling back again and she lets him go this time because she assumed he heard the implication that she still anticipates this happening and she's afraid he has changed his mind now and she doesn't want to hear him say it and it hurts as much as she feared it would to lose him even though it never even happened.

But his eyes are wet with tears and left hand moves to her cheek and he's holding her stare and choking out words that she believes he means wholeheartedly. "I fucked up. I know that I fucked up, but I never meant to hurt you." He leans in again and presses his forehead to hers. "I love you, Olivia, and I'll do anything to prove that to you. Give me another chance and I swear I'll never hurt you again."

She wants to give in and she wants to believe he's telling the truth and she wants it to all be water under the bridge, but she still needs to understand why, even if she's already forgiven him. She leans back a little, trying to catch his eyes. "You still haven't explained why you fucked up in the first place."

His head stays bowed as he backs up, his hand dropping to his side. "I told you it was a shit reason, Liv."

She's glad he pulled away because it means she doesn't have to as her annoyance with him rises up again. "I don't care what the reason was, Elliot, but I think I deserve to hear it."

He turns to look out the window, his body tense, and everything about him tells her not to approach. She bites her tongue, wanting to scream in frustration, knowing that getting angry at him only ever results in him shutting down. She doesn't understand how they keep winding up here, so close, and yet never quite there.

She sighs and presses her eyes closed for a moment, wishing things were just easier because she thinks she earned easier. Except things are never easier for them because when she opens her eyes, he's halfway to the door and she has no idea what was wrong with asking for an explanation. "Elliot, what the-"

He doesn't meet her eyes when he glances back at her. "Mama's birthday is next Sunday. We were planning to go to the beach house to scatter her ashes and we thought you might want to come along, but it's fine if you don't. I told the kids I'd ask." He's barely done speaking before he's stepping through the door and into the hallway. "I'm leaving afterwards." And then he's gone.

She's not sure there's a worse thing he could have possibly said to her, responding to her question about why he left the first time with the reminder that he's leaving again and she could chase him and argue and beg, but she's not sure there's any point. He already made his decision and he made it before he came here and she wonders why he'd bothered saying he loved her at all if he was just going to disappear again.

That's when it hits her, when she finally realizes that he can't read her mind and he never could and he told her he loves her and she hadn't been shocked because she knows he loves her and she loves him except apparently he doesn't know that and he'd been hoping to hear it back and instead she was rehashing an argument from a month ago before he'd almost died and she should have fucking learned her lesson except she's a fucking idiot and now she hurt him again.

And then she's sprinting out the door and down the steps because she doesn't want to wait for the elevator and she's in bare feet and her flannel pajamas and her hair is a mess and she can't stop because she has to catch him because she's afraid she's really going to lose him this time and the doorman is looking at her like he thinks he needs to call for help and she doesn't have time to explain when she sees Elliot is already out the door of her building.

"Wait, Elliot, wait!"