"The only heaven I'll be sent to is when I'm alone with you"
-Take Me to Church, Hozier

Saturday, July 8, 2023
Evening

Either he doesn't hear her or he ignores her because he just keeps on walking, his long strides carrying him halfway down the block before she can catch up to him and she's well aware that she's running after him in her pajamas and bare feet and if her doorman doesn't call the police, she's certain someone else will, but she doesn't give a single fuck right now, not when she sees the way this visit, this night, this entire relationship is spiraling completely out of control and she knows he'll leave this time because he left before and she cannot take it, not at all, and especially not if she feels like she contributed to it.

"Elliot, please!" She grabs his left shoulder and she feels him jump and he's surprised when he sees her and it makes her feel a little better to know he wasn't ignoring her but it doesn't make her feel any better to know he didn't hear her because he's crying.

He looks absolutely devastated as he looks at her and she gets it because she is too and she feels like she's got the world resting on her shoulders and it doesn't help that she's got his world on her shoulders too except she thinks maybe they're carrying each other's because she knows he feels the guilt of Lewis, doubly so since she told him she blamed him.

"I don't really blame you, El, I'm just," she stops because she doesn't quite understand it herself, but she thinks she's starting to finally get some perspective on everything with all this time. "I blame everyone for it. I blame myself for freezing when I saw him in my apartment and Cragen for sending me home and Nick for not checking on me and Fin and Munch and Amanda for not finding me sooner and the lawyers that believed him and the whole fucking world. I'm still mad that it happened to me."

She can see the way he nods even through his tears and she watches as a couple emerges from her building and walks past and stares unabashedly at her and Elliot and she wants to snap at them for staring but Elliot's hand is on her cheek again and calling her attention back to him as he wipes at her tears.

"I should have been there. Maybe I could have stopped him or found you faster." He shakes his head and she thinks maybe he's trying to clear his own tears. "Now I understand why you can't forgive me."

She shakes her head and she wants to lean in, except she's still not sure he's ok with that. "I already forgave you. I just wanted to know why you left the way you did, but if you don't want to tell me-"

"I'll tell you. You deserve to know why I wasn't there." He looks away from her face, his eyes dropping down and it looks like guilt in his expression, but then he just looks confused and he seems to actually notice her attire for the first time. "Liv, where are your shoes?"

Of course they're having an emotional meltdown and he's distracted by something mundane. "I was trying to catch up to you so I didn't stop to get dressed."

He glances toward the door of her building. "You want to go back inside?"

She very much does if only because she's standing outside in July in flannel pajamas but they're comfortable dammit and she'd rather be outside making a spectacle of herself with him than inside alone. "Will you come back up?"

He nods and stays close to her side when she starts walking back, but she's nervous and keeps looking over at him and he catches it and she suspects he knows she's afraid he's going to change his mind and disappear and she knows he knows when he grasps her hand just as she's pulling open the door of her building. She's terrified that by the time they get back upstairs the moment will have passed and he won't want to talk anymore and while she's explaining to the doorman that she needs to be let into her apartment because she doesn't have her key, she curses the extra delay.

But he's still there once they're finally back in her living room and she's trying to decide if they should sit down or stand in the kitchen with their abandoned bottles of water from a few minutes ago and Elliot flops down on the couch like he's exhausted and she sees the wince from the sudden position change and she's confronted once more with the fact that he's still recovering because it was only a month ago that he was shot six times and nearly died and she wants to remind herself that he's ok now and not dead and she sits close beside him, making sure she's on his left so he can reach for her if he wants, which she's really hoping he wants.

She hears him drag in a deep breath and she can feel the tension radiating off him and she wonders what he has to tell her, but she doesn't want to press because it's taking a lot for him to get his thoughts together and she knows better than to interrupt.

And finally, he starts with a soft voice that's full of shame and doubt and sadness. "When Ryan Clifford died, when he was murdered, I blamed myself."

She bites her lip and doesn't speak because she still blames herself for the boy's death since she was the one who got too close to Gitano and wound up injured and distracted Elliot when he might have had a chance to save the child.

"I made the choice to protect my partner and it still haunts me, you know?"

She does know because there are so, so many senseless deaths that still plague her, but she still doesn't want to interrupt, because as well as they know each other at times, as much as it seems like they can read each other's minds, she realizes that sometimes it's important to listen so they don't have to guess and jump to conclusions and misinterpret. She reaches for his hand instead, her fingers squeezing his in silent support.

He twists his hand and laces their fingers together. "I knew then, Liv, I knew I was compromised. I didn't want Ryan to die, but I was relieved it wasn't you." His voice starts to break and he stops for a moment to draw in another deep breath. "I knew I would always, always put you first."

She shivers at his admission because fuck if that hadn't been a whole fucking case study in misunderstanding each other, but she remains quiet and lets him talk.

"I thought it would be ok, I thought somehow I could protect you and everyone else and it would all be ok and for a while, it was." He's quiet again, lost in his thoughts, while Olivia is lost in the sensation of his thumb stroking hers back and forth and she'd swear that nothing has ever felt so damn good. "But then Jenna."

She squeezes his hand hard because she sees it now, she gets it, the part he hasn't said yet, that he did it to protect her and she's never realized that until now because she'd always concentrated on Elliot leaving over it and not why he'd done it. She imagines there was a fairly significant amount of denial going on, her own psyche demanding she not realize it because she would have felt guilty too.

"I knew it would keep happening because I would never change my mind. I would never make a different choice." His hand moves then, his fingers separating from hers, and before she can think to move away, to assume he needs space, his arm is stretching around her, pulling her body into his chest. "I felt like I murdered her because I already knew I'd protect you over everyone else and I wanted someone to forgive me for doing what I knew was wrong."

She feels tears in her eyes, unable to imagine how horrible he must have felt in those days and then she's thinking of the way Cragen had insisted they not talk until the shooting was investigated and how she'd actually listened to him for once and she's thinking maybe something would have been different if she'd just fucking reached out to him sooner.

He's pulling her closer, his hand pressing her head down onto his chest, his fingers threading through her hair, and she's more than happy to accept the embrace on her own, but knowing it's bringing him comfort makes it that much more inviting and she stretches her arm around his waist and breathes him in.

"I went to confession because I thought Father Hogan would tell me it was ok, that I was just doing my job and protecting my partner and he'd tell me to pray and I'd feel better."

She tries not to tense at the mention of the priest, but she can't help it because now she understands.

He's crying now openly, unable or unwilling to hide the tears in his voice. "He told me I was cheating on Kathy every time I went to work and I told him nothing ever happened, but he said it was wrong and I was unfaithful and I had to leave and let you find love that wasn't tainted."

He's trying to reach for her with his right arm, to pull her closer and she can see his arm shaking with the effort and she leans in harder, bending her legs and letting them drop across his lap as she's squeezing him tighter and he can finally reach with that arm and his hand falls on her knee and his fingers are digging into her skin and she feels the pain and the tension and the suffering leaving him.

"I tried to tell you, I wanted to say goodbye, but I couldn't, Liv. I couldn't look at you and know it was the last time I'd see you and I thought I was doing the right thing or I never would have done it. I swear to you, Liv, I swear I wouldn't have hurt you like that. I should have left her, not you "

She shushes him, her own chest aching from the pain she knows he felt. "I know, I know, it's ok." Her arms leave his waist in favor of his neck and she crushes herself to him, hating that she'd doubted him and his reasons, because she knows him and she knew him and she should have known he wouldn't have done that to her if he hadn't had what he believed was a good reason and then she has to say it, she has to tell him so he'll know once and for all. "I love you, El."

She lets him cry, joins in with him, feeling the catharsis finally, all these years of pain and struggle and confusion melting away as she can forgive him completely because she understands what happened and she's sure he's feeling that same relief having given her his confession and received the absolution he's been craving for so damn long.

It takes a long time for the crying to stop, but it eventually does and they're just snuggled together on the couch and she thinks about suggesting they go sleep in her bed, but she's loathe to disrupt the peaceful silence and his right fingers are caressing her knee over her pajama pants and his left hand has snuck up under the hem of her shirt, but it's not going anywhere, not tonight, and she's almost hypnotized by the rhythmic movements and she loves the feel of his skin on hers and she's happy to stay right here forever but every so often his hand shifts and his fingers are slowly moving from her waist to her side and she doesn't want him to happen upon something that will ruin the calm.

She reaches back to grab his hand, pulling it forward slightly until it's there at a spot she can't forget, his fingers along the angry mark left from a hanger that just never seems to fade, just so he'll know and he'll expect them and he won't be worried about her being upset when he finds them. "I have scars." And it's ok for her to say it because she thinks she was right about their relationship moving forward and hopefully he's going to find them eventually anyway.

His face shifts down next to hers, his deep rasp falling against her ear as his fingers resume their movements. "So do I."

She doesn't care about his scars except that they represent how he was nearly stolen from her and she realizes that he probably feels the same about hers and she's no longer afraid that he might not want her anymore because she knows he does, scars and all.