"I will throw you a lifeline, pull you back to me
Hold you close so you can feel the way we used to be
When it was all or nothing through everything we shared"
-Turn the Lights On, Saliva
Sunday, July 16, 2023
Morning
It's still early, but it's already over seventy outside and, while she's still wearing her flannel pjs for mental health purposes, Olivia knows she'll melt if she were to go outside in pants and long sleeves. She's also completely at a loss for how to dress. Obviously, for a funeral she'd wear a black suit or dress, but it's not a funeral, it's an informal family gathering to scatter ashes on a beach and she has never attended such an occasion and she doesn't know what is considered appropriate. Her instinct is to dress for work, dark colors and professional fit, but it's on a beach and she's not going to be able to walk on sand in heels and it's going to be near ninety degrees and she'll die herself standing in the sun on a beach in black. But she can't wear shorts either because it's like a funeral and she decides on a pair of dark gray linen pants and is thinking about a shirt when she remembers that she'll be spending over two hours in a car riding to the beach and so linen is out of the question unless she wants to look like a wrinkled mess.
She is staring at her closet and feeling like she has nothing appropriate to wear and can't even guess what is appropriate and she can hear Noah shutting off the water in the bathroom and she has to make a decision because she was in her pjs staring at her closet when the boy got in the shower and so she'd like to be dressed when he emerges, especially because he's going to ask her what he should wear, but at least he's a kid and at an age where he can wear anything he wants because he's too young to be held accountable and too old to have just worn what he was told.
She can hear the sink running and that means Noah is brushing his teeth and she's down to a minute to decide and she takes one last frantic sweep through her closet and finds a dark blue sundress with a muted brown Aztec print that reminds her a bit of the shirt Bernie wore the day they met. She'd bought it on a whim a few years ago, one of the spam ads in her email trying to entice her to buy something she would never wear, and she bought it mostly because the woman in the picture was wearing a straw hat and had a beach bag over her shoulder and an umbrella drink in her hand and they sold her a damn vacation not a dress, but still, it's modest for a sundress, long and loose and though it's sleeveless, the straps are wide and won't look inappropriate for a beach even if it's a funeral-adjacent occasion, and she reminds herself that Bernie was a free spirit and probably wouldn't have minded if Olivia showed up in a fluorescent bikini.
She has the dress on and is cutting off the tags and she's really glad it fits since she never tried it and Noah is walking into her room in his robe with the polar bear hood that she has sworn to never tell anyone he still uses and she's glad his cheeks are pink again and the purple circles are gone and she can't hear him when he breathes because the new medicine is working.
"That looks pretty, mom."
"Thank you." She can't help but smile at the compliment, even if it's her son and he always tells her she looks nice when she's not dressed for work because that's all he ever sees her in except for her flannel pajamas. She glances at her watch and realizes she spent way too much time on her wardrobe dilemma when she should have been making her son breakfast. "Elliot is going to be here in a half hour, so hurry up and get dressed. Cereal ok?"
Noah nods in response to cereal, but she can see the question before it comes out. "What am I supposed to wear? I've never been to a funeral before."
"It's not really a funeral, Noah." She takes a deep breath and hopes she doesn't have to explain again, because she doesn't want to scare him with the concept of cremation. She sits down on the bed to try to decide between flat sandals or white sneakers. "We're going to Bernie's beach house and her family is going to scatter her ashes in the ocean."
Noah just stares at her and doesn't respond and she knows she hasn't helped him decide at all.
"Wear your tan shorts and a plain t-shirt, no words, no pictures." She kind of wishes she were eleven and wouldn't worry about her choice of footwear.
"Are people going to cry?"
She pulls the sandals on, if only because she doesn't want to shake the sand out of her sneakers later. "Probably." She doesn't need to explain that she'll likely be one of them because Kathleen will cry and that will make Elliot cry and that will make her cry, even if they weren't at a funeral-ish sort of thing. She directs Noah to his room to get dressed and hurries them through breakfast so they won't make Elliot wait when he gets here.
She's already sweating from walking outside for the short distance from her front door to Elliot's SUV and she's glad she opted for the dress when she sees Elliot is in khakis and a tee-shirt. Noah climbs in the back and buckles himself in and immediately puts in his earbuds, leaving Olivia with the daunting prospect of being semi-alone with Elliot for an awful occasion without any real resolution to anything.
They love each other, they've established that. They have things they need to work through, individually and together. They cleared the air last week and each had a bit of a breakdown and they're friends again, she thinks, but maybe not because they fell asleep holding each other on her couch after admitting they loved one another which isn't something she'd do with either Fin or Amanda which is her only real frame of reference for friendship so once again she really has no idea what is going on. She knows the situation is already uncomfortable enough and she doesn't want to dwell on that because she has plenty of time for dwelling later because his family is going to be there and she doesn't know how much of his family and she's definitely not ready for that and she's starting to panic and rethink allowing Elliot to drive her and bringing her son and it's too late because they're already on their way and maybe they should have discussed what they were going to say if the kids asked why they showed up together.
Instead she tries to distract herself and she's watching Elliot drive and he's using his left hand, but he usually drives with his left and rather than propped up on the console, his right arm is tucked into his side with his palm resting on his thigh, but the sleeve isn't torn off his shirt and the seam isn't split open, so she figures he must be able to move enough to get dressed again.
"Is it too hot back there, Noah?" The only reason Noah hears him is because the boy is still curious about Elliot's injuries and so he's staring and notices that Elliot is glancing at him in the mirror. Noah nods and Elliot reaches out with his right hand to adjust the temperature in the back seat and Olivia feels like she might cry to see Elliot moving so naturally even if it's a bit slower than normal.
Elliot glances over at her with a small smile. "Thanks for coming."
She nods back, wishing there was a better reason for the three of them to be headed to the beach together. "How are you feeling?" They've been talking, texting really, over the past week, but Elliot isn't much for complaining, certainly not about pain, and she has a hard enough time discussing her feelings in person that she's never going to do it over the phone or in writing.
"I've been better." The statement likely applies both to his body and to the idea of scattering his mom's ashes and she figures he probably doesn't want to talk and she's hoping he'll put on the radio soon to drown out the awkward silence.
The traffic isn't bad and they only have to stop once because Noah needs the restroom and normally she would perch herself outside the door to the men's room and watch like a hawk for her son to return, but she realizes she doesn't have to this time because Elliot is here and so she's just stretching her legs and waiting by the truck for them to return and the woman doling out hand sanitizer to her three kids before they eat their snacks turns to her and smiles and comments your son looks just like his father and Olivia assumes she meant it as a compliment or maybe to imply her son doesn't look like her because of course her adopted son doesn't look like her, but instead the probably innocent comment sets off a domino chain of panic in her head.
The Stablers have never met Noah. The closest any of them have ever come is Kathleen who might have seen Noah being wheeled by on a stretcher with an oxygen mask covering half his face within minutes of Bernie's death and she's terrified now what people are going to think because she knows Kathy and Hogan and everyone they've ever met have been wrong about them but now she's going to show up to their grandmother's funeral with a child that apparently looks like Elliot and she's once again convinced she should have driven herself and probably left Noah at home. But she can't ask Elliot to drive her home, not when they're over halfway, and she doesn't want to vent her possibly neurotic anxiety on him while he's on his way to say goodbye to his mother.
Kathleen is the first one to greet them when they arrive, bounding out of the house wearing an oversized, wrinkled bohemian style dress that Olivia instantly knows belonged to Bernie and she feels better about her clothes as Kathleen hugs her. Maureen is approaching at a normal pace, a sad smile in place as she hugs her father. The twins and Eli follow suit with Carl and the boys bring up the rear and by the time she's done hugging all of these kids who aren't hers, she realizes the child who is hers is almost hiding behind her dress.
Maureen's sons are asking Elliot to pick them up like he always does and it breaks Olivia's heart to watch him have to turn them down because he can't lift them both at the same time and her mind is reeling from the sight of Elliot with his grandchildren because she glanced at the photos Maureen showed her of the boys, but it is only now sinking in that Elliot is a grandfather and she's trying to introduce Noah, but Elizabeth has squatted down to his level and is introducing herself and her siblings and everyone is acting fine, but Elliot calls Noah over to meet Seamus and Kieran and Noah grins at the prospect of not adults and his dimples are on display and maybe it's the dimples or the blue eyes or the way he responds to Elliot in a much more familiar way than the shy greetings he offered the rest of the family, but she sees it then - the surprised, stunned, and grinning faces of the adults who don't know they're wrong.
Olivia wants to climb back in the truck and demand to go home so she can hide, but the group is heading into the house and everyone is talking and no one says anything about what they think and so Olivia can't dispute it without making a scene and she doesn't want to make Noah uncomfortable by announcing he's adopted. The group settles in the kitchen and the quiet din of conversation fades as the initial excitement of being reunited dies out and they remember why they're here.
Noah and the boys are playing, fast friends in the way being the only children present somewhere makes them, and the adults are standing around quietly and if it weren't so quiet, Olivia would pull Elliot aside and ask if they should leave because she's working on actually communicating with him instead of just disappearing like she would have done a few weeks ago. A ringing phone mercifully interrupts the miserable quiet and Maureen announces a moment later that Gladys, Gladys' husband, and Patricia are nearly here and ten minutes later the whole group is picking their way across the sand to the tide line.
Noah is back at her side, holding her hand because he's nervous and unsure and she's glad for it because she is too and everyone is taking turns telling stories and Kathleen is sobbing and Elliot's clenching his teeth so hard Olivia is afraid he's going to break his jaw and then Gladys starts talking about how much Bernie loved her family especially her precious Katie and Kathleen throws herself into Olivia's arms because Olivia is the closest thing here to a mother figure for her and Olivia is crying and Elliot is gripping her hand and Noah is squashed somewhere in this group. Luckily, Carl steps up and makes a comment about how much Bernie would hate this because she wanted everyone to have a good time and the tension breaks a little and Kathleen is the one who slips off her shoes and takes the urn and wades knee-deep into the water and pours out the ashes. There's a long silence then, as Kathleen makes her way back to the group and Noah is gripping one of her hands and Elliot is clinging to the other and Olivia doesn't hold much stock in religion - definitely not after what Elliot confessed - but she looks out at the horizon and she promises Bernie that she'll look after her sweet boy and thanks her for raising such a wonderful man.
Gladys is trying to rope the group into going back to her place for food, but everyone is making excuses and Olivia is saying goodbye to everyone and trying to put off multiple requests that she and Noah join their family dinners because they want to get to know their uh friend Noah and Elliot looks confused because he doesn't get it and Olivia is going to pop back into the group chat and tell them all the truth the first chance she gets because Elliot will probably be furious if he catches on.
They haven't been here all that long and Noah is grumbling at the idea of getting back in the car so soon and he's asking if there's a boardwalk because they're at a beach and Elliot has to tell him there isn't a boardwalk and he's checking with Olivia when he mentions there is a town and a park and they can walk around for a little while and maybe have lunch without Gladys before they drive home and Olivia shrugs and Noah is pleading and so they're on their way and she's thinking about how nice the beach is and she completely understands why Bernie chose to move out here rather than staying in the city with her family.
The town is little and pretty much what she expected, a short line of boutiques, a few restaurants, and a tiny park. The local humane society is having an adoption event and Noah is begging to go see the animals and Olivia reminds him three times no cats you're allergic and then lets him run over to see the pets she wishes she could even consider for the lonely boy. The park is so small she can keep an eye on her son while staying away from the crowd of parents and hopeful children and even more hopeful animals.
She knows there's something on Elliot's mind and it could be a million things and for once she can't even begin to guess, but she's remembering how last week he'd told her he was leaving after they scattered Bernie's ashes and she'd thought maybe he was staying after they talked on Saturday night, but now Bernie's ashes are scattered and Elliot looks apprehensive and her heart drops through her feet. If he's about to tell her he's still leaving, well, fuck, she turns her eyes to Noah as he pets a fluffy white rabbit and tells herself the tears pricking her eyes are because maybe she's allergic too.
"Can I take you to dinner?"
She's blinking rapidly as she looks back at Elliot and she shrugs. "We should probably get lunch first. Noah only had cereal for breakfast so he'll realize he's starving soon."
"No, I meant," and then he stops and bites his lip and winces and she tries to calm herself down because she's still reacting to the idea that he's moving to Seattle and she's not ready for him to ask her on a date and she's not sure she'll ever be ready for Elliot to ask her on a date because it just feels weird and going on a date will feel even more weird and she's tired of feeling weird around Elliot and she just wants things to be comfortable again.
But maybe it's not a date, maybe it's a public place where he can tell her he's still moving to Seattle, a setting where she won't be inclined to chase him down the street in her pajamas. She glances at Noah who has moved on to a tiny creature that she initially thinks is a cat and she's about to yell at him not to touch the damn thing because she doesn't want to go to urgent care and then she realizes it's just a very small dog and her attention goes back to Elliot. "When are you leaving?"
"Leaving where?" He figures it out after a moment and he turns to watch Noah too. "I'm not sure I am leaving."
She nods and it's not a definitive date, but it's not a denial either and she's hurting now and she wants to tell Noah it's time to go, but there's nowhere to go because she can't leave the man who's taking them home. "Still have boxes all over the living room?"
She hears his sigh and doesn't need an answer.
"Mostly because I don't feel like unpacking them."
"And partly because you're moving across the country."
"Liv-"
She steps forward, aiming for Noah and she hates that she has to ruin his good time and she resents that it's going to be a shitload of money to Uber home from Bumblefuck New Jersey, but she's tired of trying to figure this out. She's tired of fresh hurt and she knows how to deal with old hurt because she got through a decade of that because it was different once she'd completely given up hope.
He grabs her wrist, but it's his voice that holds her still. "You're the only reason to stay here."
"I don't want to be the reason you don't go do what you want with your life, Elliot." And she doesn't. She doesn't want to be like Kathy, the anchor pulling him under, she doesn't want him to resent her. "You've always done what you had to for your family and your country and," she chokes a bit but she manages to continue, "your religion. I want you to be happy, go chase your dreams or whatever."
"I don't give a shit about Seattle." He snickers as his hand slides down her wrist until he can grip her fingers. "My dream is to take you out for dinner. Still want me to chase it?"
She's nervous again, trying to process the idea that he's not really all that interested in moving and that he's so uninterested in it that he'd cancel it to go on a date with her and that puts a hell of a lot of pressure on her and she's already scared that things won't go as well as she'd always imagined they would and if they fall apart after, it'll be because she let them. "That's really a lot to put on my shoulders, El."
"It's just dinner, one date, how bad can it be?" He thinks he's winning, she can tell by the way he reaches out to grasp her other hand so he's holding both and she knows it's still an effort for him to reach with his right arm and she's standing there holding his hands in public and Noah is calling to them to come see and she smiles at Noah and says we'll be right there and it's not just public, it's in front of Noah and then she's turning back to Elliot and his eyes are dancing with happiness and she think she could get used to having someone look at her like this and she wants to have this and he wants to have this and it's apparently up to her so she smiles.
And Elliot smiles back. "So can we get dinner?"
"Come on, let's go see what Noah wants to show us. Please don't encourage him because he has been asking for a cat since he was six but he's deathly allergic and he will die." And she's trying to turn and pull him, but he's holding fast to both hands.
"Liv, please?" His eyes aren't dancing anymore, they're narrowed, and he's chewing on his lip and he looks so fucking nervous and she thinks welcome to the club because this is a monumental shift in their lives and their relationship and there will be so much work involved and if it goes bad, it's going to go very bad because it's them.
She squeezes his hands and decides neither of them needs to be nervous. If Elliot is all in, then she is too because she doesn't want to be the reason he stays, but she doesn't want to be the reason he leaves either. There's no reason for them to have the unsure, tentative stage. They either are or they aren't. "Can we just not do this part?"
He nods, his gaze dropping, his hands releasing hers. "Yeah, ok, you're right."
She's ignoring Noah's calls to please come see because she's looking at Elliot and she doesn't think he knows what she means. "We already know each other, El. We don't need to date."
He swallows hard and nods and his face seems to clear, but he's looking at Noah now, not at her and she's leaning to try to meet his eyes and he won't let her and grabs his hands again instead and she knows he's upset and she doesn't know why. "What?" She leans again and finally catches his eye. "What are you thinking?"
He's looking down at their hands and he's confused and hurt and finally forms a question after several attempts. "What does this mean? You'll hold my hand and sleep in my arms, but I can't take you on a date? I don't get it."
"Can we just skip the awkward dinners and the uncomfortable shoes and the flowers that'll make Noah sneeze and the pretending we haven't known each other for twenty-five years?"
"Liv, I still don't-"
She realizes he's not on the same page and decides the only way to catch him up is to give him a big fucking clue so she leans in and presses her lips to his in a chaste kiss because they're in public and her son is watching and they've already started this once and it got out of hand very quickly. "Can we just get pizza and hang out at home?"
He's no less confused now, but at least he's looking at her. "I'm really not following you right now."
She shrugs at him, using his left hand to drag him toward where Noah is pouting at being ignored. "Can we skip the dating part and just-"
And then he gets it finally, his hand curling around hers. "Be together?"
She nods and holds his eyes even as she squats down to see the pit bull puppy Noah has been calling her to see. "Yeah."
And he's grinning back, petting the dog and holding her stare. "Yeah."
The puppy is squirming around, its tail wagging happily at the fun of having three people petting him and Olivia is giggling along with Noah and Elliot is laughing as the dog licks his hand and Olivia thinks her brain is doing the same happy, excited, butt-wiggling dance as this dog.
"Oh, there he is! I thought we'd lost him." A woman squats down and scoops the puppy up from the grass, her apron and name tag identifying her as one of the volunteers and she's holding the pup up in the air at eye level and talking to him in a stern voice. "If you keep wandering off like that, you're going to get in big trouble, Buster!"
Her heart skips a beat and then her eyes are locking on Elliot's and she knows exactly what he's thinking because she's thinking it too.
Noah is over the damn moon while Elliot tries and fails to fill out the paperwork with his left hand and she knows he's getting frustrated because his positively illegible letters aren't fitting in the tiny little boxes on the form and she finally reaches out and he hands over the clipboard and the pen and she knows all his information anyway and then it's no time at all before Buster is in the backseat in a cardboard box and their lunch winds up being McDonald's because they can't go in any restaurants with a puppy.
Noah and Buster fall asleep about halfway home and this time, Elliot's arm is propped up on the console with some effort and Olivia's hand is tucked into his and she has a contented smile on her face until she thinks about the argument she's going to have with Noah and Elliot about Buster not staying in her apartment until he's housebroken and she knows Noah will throw a fit because he really thinks Buster is going to be his dog and Olivia thinks that's probably true, but they did just jump into this and she's going to need time to adjust and Elliot is not going to be happy about going home to his place with his puppy without her.
She doesn't want to mention that yet and she doesn't really want to think about it either because she's not particularly thrilled with the idea that she's going to be sleeping in her bed alone on the first night they're together. "Do you want to stop at the pet store on the way?" They'd been given a pile of stuff when they adopted Buster, but she doesn't know how long any of it will last.
He shakes his head. "It's been a long day." He doesn't have to say that he's tired, she can tell, and she feels bad for not offering to drive even though she doesn't think he would have taken her up on the offer. "We can go tomorrow when you're done work."
"We?" She realizes it as soon as she says it because it was her idea to skip the dating part, but they didn't really clarify what that meant and apparently it means that they're spending all of their time together now and she's not really averse to that, just surprised. "I mean, you're the one with an untrained dog in your apartment all day."
He glances over at her, sizing her up, and then taking a deep breath. "Just going to point out that most of my apartment is already packed to go into storage."
She can't help but laugh at the notion that Elliot is talking about moving in and she's not a bit sure he's kidding and she really hadn't thought anything through when she made the suggestion that they simply be together, not even as to what together might mean. "Maybe I just don't want to go to the pet store."
"You don't want to go out to dinner or to the pet store with me. I'm starting to have some questions about this."
She squeezes his hand because she hears the joke, but she recognizes the concern behind it. "The idea of going with you does make it a little more enticing."
"So that's a no to moving in then?" His thumb is running along the back of hers and for a second, she wants to throw caution to the wind and agree to him moving in but she's already made one enormous life-altering decision today without thinking so she should probably give herself twenty-four hours before making the next one.
Although, she feels like maybe she already made it.
"You're not moving in until I talk to Noah, does that sound fair?"
He's chuckling now, probably because she didn't say no, and he's quiet for a long time before he asks in a low, serious tone. "What are you going to tell him?"
"I really don't know at this point." It's hard to explain that she made a sudden decision that will affect every aspect of their lives without thinking about it because she's recently stopped lying to herself about being in love with someone for a very long time. "Maybe we should figure it out before I tell him."
"I don't think ex-partners will cover it."
She shakes her head, remembering the discussion they'd had a week earlier. "Well, we're definitely not going with friends."
He's quiet again, his hand tight around hers, and she hears utter certainty in his voice when he counters. "I'm kind of partial to married."
It takes a moment for her to recover from the surprise that he went there already, but she's not really surprised when she thinks about it, she's just having a bit of adjustment issues which she considers reasonable under the circumstances. "It's not off the table." She can hear him grinning. She doesn't even need to look to know. "At least not once the dog is housebroken."
"So you're telling Noah we're engaged then?" He's grinning again and again she's not sure he's joking.
"How about I tell him we're partners?"
"Partners." His hand squeezes hers tight and he pulls his eyes from the road to meet hers for a moment. "But this time, it's not wrong."
"Elliot, this was never wrong." She raises her voice from the quiet tone she'd been using to keep from waking Noah because she needs Elliot to hear her. "Hogan was wrong, not this, not you, not us. We never did anything wrong. This just happened."
He nods and she knows he's fighting not to cry. He wins the struggle after a few seconds, clearing his throat and nodding again, vehemently. "Partners. Forever this time." He means it, she knows he does, and it doesn't scare her, not coming from him.
And then she's grinning back, making a promise she never expected to make, but one she means nonetheless. "For better or worse."
It's late, long after he tried to drop them at the front door and take Buster home, long after she relented because she couldn't stand the thought of letting him leave and told him to park in the visitor space in her garage and she'd clear it with management, long after she convinced Noah to go to bed and found him asleep on the bathroom floor with Buster and watched as Elliot carried him one-handed to his bed, long after she's back in her flannel pjs and Elliot is in his boxers and they're snuggled up in bed and long after she's admitted to herself that Elliot lives here now, even if she's still insisting on at least mentioning it to Noah before she agrees to have Elliot's kids bring over his boxes. So late, in fact the sky is starting to lighten with the dawn, but they're both awake, enjoying being together, and she's finally starting to drift off, knowing that Elliot will be here when she wakes up. He pulls her a little bit closer, his left arm curling around her while she snuggles into his side, and his low rumble breaks the comfortable silence.
"All my life, all these years, I went to church and I prayed and I tried to do the right thing because they promised me I'd go to heaven if I did." He leans down and presses a kiss into her hair. "I'm finally there."