Striking Distance
by TLR
A parody based on the Stiller and Wilson movie Starsky and Hutch.
Plot: Starsky and Hutch set out for a cabin in the woods.
:::::::::::::::::::
A beautiful day.
In front of Hutch's house.
"Are you sure camping trips are safe?" Starsky asked as he watched Hutch pack their clothes and supplies into one big backpack, then loaded it onto Starsky's back.
"Of course," Hutch said with a smile as he climbed onto the front of the motorcycle. "Wait are you waiting for? Get on behind me."
Starsky hesitated. "But, I've never been camping before."
"Never been-what? Well, it's time, partner. Climb aboard and hang on tight. Staci's dad's cabin is only a couple hours away."
"That far? Good grief."
But Starsky climbed on back.
"Hold on tight!" Hutch shouted as the motorcycle roared into life with a kick of his hiking boot.
:::
They rode through beautiful scenery, neither one talking, just enjoying it.
An hour into the trip, Hutch pulled off the two-lane highway and onto a dirt parking lot in front of a tavern, then pushed the kickstand down.
"We're stopping?" Starsky asked as he swung off the back of the motorcycle.
"Why wouldn't we?" Hutch said getting off too. "It's lunchtime. This trip is all about enjoying the journey as well as our destination. Take in the scenery, breathe the fresh air, get in touch with yourself by getting in touch with nature."
"Uh, yeah. I do that at the ocean."
Hutch reached down and picked up a handful of dirt. "This is earth, partner. This is what we're made of."
"We're made of ocean too."
"Touche. Now let's go inside and eat."
Starsky shrugged out of the backpack and hung it from the motorcycle, then followed Hutch to the front porch. "Ever been here before, Hutch?"
"Once. It's been a while. Dean the owner said he'd kill me if I came back."
"Wait," Starsky said grabbing his arm at the door. "What?"
Hutch shrugged. "His girlfriend left him for me, what can I say?"
"Who was she?"
"Heidi. You don't know her. It was BSH."
"BSH?"
"Before Starsky and Hutch."
"Maybe we should rethink going in there."
"Don't worry. He's probably over it by now. She married some soldier, and Dean's probably moved on too."
But when they walked inside the raucous place, the obsessive array of photos on the wall depicting a pretty blonde with Dean, told a different story.
"My bad," Hutch said as he turned to leave. The owner behind the counter was storming toward him with a baseball bat, the name Dean on his belt buckle.
"Come on!" Starsky said as they raced to the motorcycle and sped off.
"What'll we do for lunch now?!" Starsky called up to Hutch on the bike.
"We'll catch something on the way!" Hutch answered back. "Maybe a frog or a crawdad!"
"Sounds good!"
:::
When they reached the clearing and the cabin, and they climbed off the motorcycle, Starsky took the backpack off while Hutch fished a key from his jeans pocket.
"What time will Staci and Holly be here, Hutch?"
"Morning they said."
"Man, I'm hungry. Let's eat."
Hutch opened the cabin door, then he and Starsky stepped in, Starsky going to the fridge first thing. "Hey, this is well-stocked. I thought you'd have me skinning buffalo or something."
"No, we'll save roughing it for another time. This time, just enjoy the amenities of the cabin, the beautiful location, and the charming company of Staci and Holly."
"And you."
"Flattery will get you nowhere."
Starsky pulled out some food from the deli drawer and found a pack of sandwich rolls.
"Want a sub, Hutch?"
"What about touring the cabin?"
"After we eat, huh?"
"Sure," he said going over to the stereo. "I'll put some music on."
After Starsky made the subs and a pot of coffee, he went to the phone in the sitting area. "Think I'll call Holly and see if they can make it tonight instead of waiting till morning. No offense, Hutch, but I'd rather sleep with her."
"That's right, partner. We only sleep in the same bed if we're hurt or scared."
Starsky frowned at the phone, then hung up. "Phone's dead."
"Check the extension in the bedroom, and the jacks. I'll go outside to see if a storm or something knocked the line or a pole down. At least we still have electricity."
When Hutch stepped outside and turned the corner of the cabin, he stopped to take in the beauty of the area.
"I think I'll write a song about this place," he murmured to himself. "Right now."
As he turned to leave, he heard a rattling sound on the ground beneath his foot, and tried to dodge the striking snake, but it sprang at him and sank its fangs into his right calf.
"Ah!"
Hutch kicked the snake away, which left an arc of venom trailing to the ground.
:::
Starsky was putting the meats and cheeses back into the deli drawer of the fridge when he heard Hutch's cry of pain. He grabbed a knife and ran outside.
"Hutch?"
"Here!" Hutch called from around the corner of the cabin. "A rattlesnake bit me! I need antivenom asap."
Starsky tossed the knife onto the cabin porch and rounded the side of the cabin, catching his hand on a rough-wood corner as he did so.
"Ow!"
Hutch ripped a slit in the leg of his jeans and looked up from his snake-bitten calf. "What happened?"
"A splinter. It's a bad one."
Hutch stumbled toward him. "Oh my God, Starsky, we've got to get you out of here. Come on. We'll get you to the nearest phone and call a medical helicopter."
Hutch put an arm around him and hurried him toward the motorcycle.
"But," Starsky said holding his injured hand, "what about your leg?"
"I'll be fine."
Hutch helped Starsky onto the back of the motorcycle, then climbed on front, swaying.
"What's wrong? Get this thing started so we can get out of here."
"Dizzy. And my mouth is tingling from the hemotoxin slash neurotoxin of the venom."
"You're sweating and breathing funny. Sure you don't want me to drive?"
"And kill us both? Didn't overshooting Feldman's yacht teach you anything?"
"Yeah, it taught me I should have a backup Torino."
Hutch's boot was on the kickstarter, but his head was down and he was gasping for breath. "Partner. I don't think I can."
Starsky looked down at Hutch's calf and saw that it was already swelling and discoloring, then climbed off and moved him back, getting on in front of him.
"Your turn to hold on, Hutch."
Hutch nodded, but did very little holding and a lot of slumping against Starsky's back as the motorcycle took off.
:::
As Starsky rode, he realized Dean's tavern was the closest phone around, so he had no choice but to park the motorcycle in front of it and get off.
"Come on," he said helping Hutch off the motorcycle.
Hutch tried to raise his arm to put it around Starsky's shoulder, to help him and comfort him, but couldn't.
"It hurts, partner," Hutch said sinking lower with each step. "I don't think I'm gonna make it."
"You will," Starsky said wrapping both arms around him to hold him up.
The door opened and the owner Dean stepped out on the porch with his ball bat.
"Will you please call for an emergency helicopter?" Starsky said holding Hutch upright. "I have a really bad splinter in my left hand, and he's been bitten by a rattlesnake."
Dean studied them for a long moment, chewing tobacco, then spat and said, "Now why would I want to help him?"
Starsky pulled a snub nose pistol from his boot and aimed it at him. "Because pistol trumps bat."
Dean's eyes narrowed. "Suppose wouldn't be good for business he die here on my porch," he grumbled, then came down the porch steps to help Starsky bring Hutch inside.
"Thanks, man," Starsky said putting the pistol away. "I owe you."
:::
After the flight paramedics administered the antivenom to Hutch, and removed the splinter from Starsky's hand, Hutch was taken to the nearest hospital. Later, Hutch was moved to a double occupancy recovery room, a heavy curtain dividing the beds of the two patients.
Starsky sat next to Hutch with a Band-Aid across the palm of his hand.
"Sorry I ruined your first camping trip," Hutch said in a groggy voice from his hospital bed.
"It's not ruined," Starsky said patting his partner's head.
"How so?"
"Staci and Holly are on their way. They promised us a lot of TLC."
"Hey," Hutch smiled. "we should get hurt more often."
"Now wait a minute," a familiar voice behind the curtain said as a hand drew it back to reveal the Starsky and Hutch that sold Huggy the Torino post-Feldman case. The elder Starsky lounged in a chair in front of a window, his legs propped up on the foot of the other hospital bed, watching the elder Hutch sleep. "That's our job."
End