Chapter 15: Look for me in Iris'
Summary:
We begin our chapter with a flashback to September 1st 1977 and then we return to real time where now both the ring and the diadem have been destroyed by the basalisk venom - Regulus comes to terms with the fact he has the resurrection stone and that it means he can see his son if only for a brief moment
Notes:
TW: Grief
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
James
Flashback to 1977
Over the summer James had found out that although Remus was prefect he opted out to receive head boy and it was given to James.
Now James sat in the prefect's compartment and he could hide his excitement. James was buzzing with happiness, his pin, pinned right on his robes. There was however a pained thought in James mind. How would he see Regulus now? His skin went cold, Sirius and James had tried to break Regulus out of Grimmauld place after all, that had been a major shit show. Would Regulus even be allowed back to Hogwarts with them? James questioned himself, his anxiety making his skin itch.
Even if Regulus was allowed back would he see him as often? James' heart ached because he knew between, Quidditch, Prefect duties and classes it would prove difficult to see Regulus, if he came back. James wanted to hand the pin back, and race back to Grimmauld place and drag Reggie to safety, his Reggie. This thought however was quickly shut down as he heard the female Slytherin Prefect say loudly that Evan Rosier had given up his own prefect duties as well and was being replaced by, none other than Regulus Black himself. James felt like he was going to explode.
"So Regulus is the new Prefect?" He questioned excitedly and the Slytherin girl looked him up and down.
"Yes that's what I said wasn't it?" she answered back and James felt his cheeks lifting.
"So when will he join us?" James asked and the Slytherin girl sighed.
"He should be along soon," She huffed at him and took her seat. James was practically smiling as he sat waiting for Reggie to appear in the compartment, his heart going a mile a minute. Lily was sitting beside him reading a book about potions and James knocked her gently on the shoulder.
"How was your summer Lils?" James asked and Lily didn't lift her eyes off the pages.
"Same as always, Petunia was a …" She stopped herself and James nudged her, "She was Petunia," she finished looking up for a moment.
"Do anything exciting?" James asked.
"We went to Blackpool," Lily answered, "I went on all the rides and we had a few days on the beach," she smiled while still reading.
"That sounds so good" James smiled, "I want to try those muggle rolly coasters," He finished and Lily laughed.
"Roller Coaster," is the word you were looking for. She answered him as she turned the page in her book.
"Oh right, that does sound better to be fair," James replied as she read, "Getting a head start on our N.E.W.T.S are you?" He beamed, his body vibrating with excitement, waiting for Regulus to arrive.
"It would be best if you did also, don't you think," She said softly, closing the book over and James shook his head.
"You know me Lily, I always come out with good grades," He answered with a laugh.
"Somehow," She started, "All four of you do," She giggled. Lily seemed to be a lot more soft with James this year, than she had been before, more willing to actually have a conversation with him, that didn't include her being dry with him.
"Hey that's not fair we study…" James paused, "When we can," he laughed and looked at the compartment door opened, but it was just the Ravenclaw Prefect coming in.
"You should be studying a lot more, if you weren't all preoccupied by your pranks," She chuckled and James shrugged his shoulders.
"We get by," He answered, his eyes never leaving the compartment door.
"Just enough," Lily answered him playfully.
"Now wait a minute that's not fair," James smiled, turning to face her, "We are some of the top marks in our classes, Evans" James continued.
"Oh don't we all know it," Lily smiled back at him, "It doesn't make sense how you four have spent the last years running rings round the rest of us but yet somehow you," She pointed at James, "Have top marks in your classes, well all bar potions of course," she smiled "Peter has the highest score in muggle studies, Remus…" she stopped and tapped her chin, "Well no Remus does put the work in he's always reading or studying something… however Sirius, who has big marks in the Defense Against the Dark Arts never seems to open a book," She laughed.
"We are all just that good I guess," James answered with a smile, "So anyway back to N.E.W.T.S" James started but the compartment door opened and his eyes quickly moved to the opening and landed on Regulus. James wanted to jump out of his seat and pull him in tight but he stopped himself. Looking him over, savouring him, that was until he looked at Regulus' belly expecting him to be eight months pregnant but being met with a flat stomach. James' breath caught in his throat, his son was born, "Reggie," James breathed, frozen by the sight of his lover.
"James," Regulus answered back, no emotion in his voice.
"So you had Lan then?" James asked, jumping up and walking towards him, "Where is he?" James questioned as he looked behind Regulus.
"James…" Regulu trailed off.
"Reg… you didn't" James began,
"James" Regulus tried again but it was no good.
"You didn't leave did you?" James blurts out the question, his body numbed and his mind running wild as he stood in front of Regulus. Regulus' face was stony as he stared at James. James shook his head in disbelief, "Regulus you can't of left him with her! Shell do exactly what she did with you and Sirius, Reg we need to go back and get him and bring him with us! Why would leave him there, she's going to break him down and hurt him, Reg you know this she isn't someone that should be a parent nevermind a grandparent, we need to get him, we need to stop this train and get off, we'll get to Hogwarts later but we need to stop her beginning to poison him, he's only a baby!" James Rambled on, unable to stop himself. James wanted the train to stop right now, he needed to get to his son, take him away from Walburga, and keep him safe.
"James!" Regulus said more sternly and James stopped looking into Regulus' eyes, which was swimming with tears. It was at that moment that James' heart dropped from his chest and he understood. James didn't feel like he was in his own body anymore, he felt like someone else had taken off, his heart was breaking, his skin felt like it didn't belong to him, like he wanted to rip it all off as his mouth opened and he began screaming the word, "NO!" James kept repeating the word over and over again as he pulled at his hair, tears streaming down his face, wishing he would just fall apart on the spot just from the pain in his heart and voice. Regulus began shaking his head as the tears slipped down his face and he turned and began walking out of the compartment. James, who had fallen to his knees, called after him, begging him to come back, but Regulus was too quick as he moved down the hall.
"I CAN'T DO THIS RIGHT NOW!" Regulus called back to James, who was now laying in the hall of the train crying. James' body stopped, he couldn't move. All he could do was cry as he let his face rest on the carpet, his tears mixing with the fabric. Lily appeared at James' side and lifted him up, pulling him close as she rubbed his back and whispered.
"You're ok," She soothed as she rubbed his back, "Just let it out James, Regulus just needs time" she continued. James pulled away from her lay curled up in a ball by himself.
Later that night James arrived at the room of requirement, he could feel like Regulus inside. James took a deep breath and opened the door and was met with the room looking like a baby nursery, James' heart stopped. Regulus was sitting on the floor staring at cot in the middle of the room with a bottle of alcohol. James forced his body to move through the brightly coloured room and sat beside Regulus, who handed him the bottle.
"Why would you be so cruel?" James questioned as he looked round the room, James' voice was pained as he spoke. Seeing this nursery made his heart ache he couldn't understand why Regulus would choose this as their room for the night.
"You'll need this," Regulus said in a sad tone. James took the bottle and took a swig from it.
"Regulus answer me… please," James begged and Regulus huffed out a breath and James knew he wasn't getting an answer at this moment, "Where did you get this?" James questioned.
"Stole it from Slughorn's office, he'll never miss it," Regulus answered, taking a drink and passing the bottle back..
"Why?" James questioned taking the bottle back and doing the same. Regulus just sighed.
"Why what?" Regulus asked, taking the bottle, "Why did I steal it?" Regulus asked and huffed out a laugh, "because why the fuck not,' Regulus answered himself. James closed his eyes to stop himself from crying.
"Reggie," James said sadly.
"I have pictures of him," Regulus replied and reached into his pocket, holding the pictures in his hand as they continued to pass the bottle. James froze, scared to reach for the photos in case he would damage them. Regulus sat the bottle down and began holding the pictures towards James, James took them gently and softly looked through them as Regulus lifted the bottle again, watching over James' shoulder as he moved the picture. James' eyes filled with tears as his eyes landed on his child in the picture, James wanted nothing more than to just hold him in his arms, wake up late during night for feeds and changing nappies. The tears began spilling from his eyes and he could hear Regulus sniffing heavily beside him. James handed the pictures back and pulled Regulus close, holding him tight and the both of them cried together, continuing to pass the bottle between them as the both of them became enveloped in their pain.
"Regulus your so brave," James whispered, "You done this all by yourself," He continued and Regulus just continued to sob, "Your amazing, I can't imagine how hard this was for you to go through alone and I'm so sorry I wasn't there with you, I'm so sorry I couldn't save the both of you from her," James heaved as he spoke, "I should have been there, I should have been helping you, but you didn't need me, you done it alone because your so strong," James continued.
"He's still…" Regulus sobbed, "He's buried under the Iris'... James," Regulus cried and James squeezed him, "He's still there," He finished. At that moment James made the mental note that one day he would go and get his son out of Grimmauld and have him placed to rest somewhere that James could visit him, "I just want him back," Reg whispered.
"I know Reggie," James answered back softley, "I know and I want him back too and I want him here with us," James answered as the two of them sobbed into each other.
The nights that followed James was not really ready for. Any time James arrived at the room of requirement Regulus was already a bottle deep and swaying on the spot drunk out of his head. The first night after their night together James entered the room of requirement and Regulus wasn't there. James panicked and pulled out the map and searched for his name. James spotted it on the Astronomy tower. James raced to find him. Regulus was sitting with his legs over the edge of the tower drinking from the bottle when James arrived.
"Regulus what are you doing my love," James said softly as he walked slowly towards Regulus.
"I'm just trying to be numb," Regulus answered and swayed slightly on the edge. James' heart stopped as he reached his arms out to pull Regulus back.
"Please come away from the edge," James said softly and Regulus' head shook as he let out an empty laugh.
"I'm comfortable enough up here," Regulus answered and looked towards the stars.
"Regulus… my love I need you to come away from the edge your drunk," James said and placed his arms around Regulus waist. Regulus squirmed to pull away.
"Get off me POTTER!" Regulus shouted, but James never moved, "let me go!" Regulus continued. James was in the end able to get Regulus down off the edge, only after he began crying.
The second night James entered the room of requirement and Regulus was laying face down in his own vomit with three empty bottles of wine beside him. James rushed to his side and Regulus was only half aware of what James was saying to him, so James curled up beside him and held him close as Regulus dozed off to sleep, waking up every so often to throw up, James would rub his back and use his wand to summon him water.
The third night James found Regulus in the library, again with two bottles of drink, as he searched through the books.
"Reg what are you doing?" James questioned him, using lumos on his wand to find Regulus.
"I'm trying to get him back," Regulus slurred as he swayed on the spot.
"Regulus there isn-" James began but Regulus threw an empty bottle at him.
"Don't James!" He snapped and pulled a book out as he took a drink of the extra bottle still in his hand, "Don't even start," He finished as he read the title and threw the book on the floor.
"Reggie, I need you to listen to me," James said softly, "But the bottle down," James answered him.
"Don't fucking tell me what to do!" Regulus bit back, "You didn't have to do it alone did you?" Regulus questioned with venom and James stopped, "Didn't think so," he went on gulping down the liquid.
"Reggie please your hurting," James said, "I want to help you," he finished and Regulus huffed a laugh.
"Can you bring him back?" Reggie questioned and James looked at the ground, "Well can you?" He spat and James shook his head.
"No Reggie I can't" He said softly with tears in his eyes.
"Then help me find a way to bring him back James…. Please," Regulus begged as he swayed. James took a deep breath and nodded.
"I'm so sorry Reggie," James said softly, it felt like all he could say as he walked closer to Regulus, "Regulus please, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," James soothed as Regulus collapsed in his arms and James held him there just repeating how sorry he was over and over until Regulus got so tired that James was able to lead him back towards the room of requirement and tucked him into sleep, taking the empty bottle from his hand.
Regulus
Remus had poured the basilisk venom over the ring four days ago, for four days Regulus had slept with the resurrection stone under his pillow longing to see his son but too afraid. What if Atlantis was disappointed in him? What if he saw all the things his papa had done while involved with the death eaters. Regulus barely left the bed in the tent - he knew they had to make a plan to get to the next horcrux that they needed to make sure Voldemort could never come back. Voldemort wanted Harry dead and Regulus would do anything to keep his son alive, he would not bury another child. So Voldemort needed to be dealt with.
James hadn't pushed him though, he brought him tea every few hours and coaxed him out of bed only for meals. When Harry got sleepy he put Harry in beside Regulus so Regulus could snuggle with their son. Harry was a great source of comfort. His mind occupied more and more with the mark removal, he couldn't let Harry and his daughter grow up to see it on his arm. Unlike the little boy he lost who was buried under the Iris' had possibly been able to see it. Regulus didn't know how the afterlife worked, I mean how could he?
There was a chance Atlantis was clueless about his life since he left his tummy, Regulus' breath hitched as he put his hand on his bump and thought of the little boy with the messy hair and grey eyes who lived inside his stomach first. He needed to protect his daughter while she was still inside, he had to make sure for a healthy delivery. He needed to find out how bloody well far along he was. Finding out seemed to come way back in the priority list due to these forsaken horcruxes. Regulus did have the intrusive thoughts of randomly giving birth in a tent. Yes, this scared him to his core, he would have to find out how far along he was with his baby girl so that that didn't happen.
Regulus' eyes welled up at the first memory of giving birth, alone and scared in his room knowing his baby was dead. He went through so much at such a young age, he didn't handle his grieving process well but how could he? James always tells him how proud he is at how far he's come, he still feels the loss of his son each and every day but he isn't on the full self destructive path he was on before. James literally be's beaming at him when he reminds him how far he comes, feeling James' pride keeps the demons at bay almost. It would be a long road to actual recovery and healing but he had his brother and James and now baby Harry and the little one in his stomach that he couldn't wait to meet and that made the good times better than they were before and the bad times in a way manageable.
He wouldn't say he fully managed the grief of his son; it still roared like a dragon within him and an untameable lion, a horse that couldn't be 'broken' Day four though today was the day. He got out of bed careful with his stomach and went to make Harry some toast. James smiled to see him up unprompted. He placed a kiss to the back of Regulus' head while Regulus toasted the bread with his wand.
"Great to see my handsome husband, I've missed you baby," James bent down and whispered in Regulus' ear,
"Yes, the butter James," Regulus requested, hiding his smile.
"Papa," Harry called happily,
"Yes honey, papa is just making you some toast yummy yummy toast,"
"Yum-nee," Harry giggled
"Yum, yum, yum," Regulus sang as James passed him the bread and allowed him to get on with buttering their son's toast.
"I can think of something yum," James growled into Regulus' ear,
"You can't say these things in front of our son's breakfast," Regulus mused.
"It can't hear us love," James chuckled and tickled Regulus' sides. Regulus levitated the toast over to Harry's baby chair once James had ceased tickling him and Harry clapped as the toast (which was cut into small pieces) landed in front of him. "Wow daddy look at Harry feeding himself the toast isn't he so clever?" Regulus gasped
"Yes papa, I think he must be the most clever boy," James beamed. They had breakfast some fruits and toast and earl grey tea and babbled to Harry mostly then Regulus brought up that tonight when Harry goes to bed it was time to use the resurrection stone. James nodded, "But Reg, remember it won't you know it won't bring him back not fully at least,"
"I know darling," Regulus looked away.
"We probably shouldn't keep it after using it,"
"We'll discuss that later,"
"Reggie baby, you'll drive yourself mad," James' voice was soft.
"I already do that," Regulus snapped,
"Ok yeah, we'll discuss it later. How about I make you another cup of tea and then you sit nicely on the chair and watch daddy and Harry build the blocks up so high on the floor. How about it Haz, you reckon we can build them really high again?" James brought his hand to his own mouth playfully and Harry laughed.
"I know Harry is the best at blocks so I think you will be able to build them really high if you let Harry help you," Regulus placed a kiss to the scar on his son's forehead.
"Papa mine," Harry declared,
"Er no I'll have to fight you on that Haz," James chuckled and stroked their son's cheek gently. After that they cleared the plates James made Regulus another cup of tea and put the left-over fruit in a bowl for Regulus to snack on while he watched his son and husband play.
"Papa," Harry said urgently motioning for Regulus to come over while James set the blocks out for Harry.
"Oh no Haz, papa can't sit on the ground he has your sister in his tummy he has to sit safely on the chair but he won't leave you Harry, he'll be right there,"
"Papa," Harry muttered not understanding,
"Look," James said putting his hands on Regulus' protruding belly, "Baby," James said softly,
"Bay-bee," Harry repeated.
"Baby in papas tummy, your sister," with his free hand he booped Harry on the nose and Harry crawled over and James helped him stand up to feel Regulus' growing bump, "Baby sister in there Haz,"
"Baybee," Harry repeated, a little hand gently placed on Regulus' stomach.
"And one day she'll come out and you'll get to meet her," Regulus told him gently,
"Baybee," is all Harry said. A few minutes later Harry and James were building blocks and Harry was calling, "Look!" to Regulus every few seconds even though Regulus' eyes never left his son and his husband. They had a nice calm day with Harry only getting fussy and unsettled once throughout the day. Sirius and Remus had gone drinking to no surprise so Regulus told them to find somewhere else to stay because he was getting to his wits end with drunk Sirius and when Sirius looked at James, James clearly gave off the impression that he was completely on Regulus' side which he actually was. So Sirius would miss the opportunity to meet his nephew. Something Regulus knew he'd hate himself for, something that would maybe haunt him later when he put down the drink bottle.
"Alright," James said, slipping out of the tent stone in hand. Regulus was looking off to mass amounts of fields and trees and the shining lake that reflected the moon, almost full but not quite it would still be a few days. It was getting dark. Harry was asleep just inside, he was safe with his fathers not at all far from him.
"Yes, let's do this," Regulus croaked and then cleared his throat. James slipped the stone into Regulus' hand and Regulus' felt his eyes welling up. He tried to steady his breathing,
"I got you baby, I got you," James whispered. Regulus would never be ready for this moment not really, so he he thought he may as well do it he turned the stone thrice in hand and then grabbed James' hand so he'd be able to meet him at the same time and then a little boy who looked almost five years old and very much like Harry smiled at him. Regulus' heart lept and he noticed his little hand was holding onto a bigger one he looked up for a moment Lily was holding on to Atlantis' hand she was smiling looking back and forth between James and Regulus',
"I missed you," Regulus said as his eyes fell back on Atlantis, Atlantis smiled wide but shyly put Lily's arm over his eyes,
"We never left," Lily said softly gently pulling her arm away from Atlantis' eyes and pushing him forward gently he walked over close to Regulus and James, James' free arm going forward and Atlantis' reaching out to touch it and just going through James' hands. James made a strangled sound and Regulus and James both sank to their knees.
"I missed you," Regulus repeated eyes thick with tears, "So much Lan,"
"I'm always here silly," Atlantis smiled, "I picked him," Atlantis looked pleased pointing to the tent, "And her," his hand moved to Regulus' belly. James was full on sobbing, while Regulus struggled to keep him breathing steady, "I sent them to you both," Atlantis blinked,
"Are you happy?" Regulus asked.
"Yes mama and granny and grandpa always play with me," Atlantis told him, "But I wanna play with papa and daddy too but I just wait for you always wait, but it's ok don't rush home, I'll be here when it's time," Atlantis was looking from James to Regulus smiling.
"Mama?" James asked,
"Mama," Atlantis pointed to Lily.
"I asked him not to call me that to begin with but he was insistent," lily looked a little guilty, "He calls Mary mama too when were looking down at Mary," she said incase that made it better,
"It's fine Lily, I mean Harry's been calling me papa I guess Harry and Atlantis have two sets of parents it's fine. Thank you for being kind and patient with him and playing with him,"
"I look after him just as you look after Harry, I can't thank you enough Regulus. Harry really looks up to you I can see that," Lily said softly.
"Granny told me you had comic book bedsheets," Atlantis interrupted looking at James happily,
"Yes, when I had them until I moved out. Spider-Man ones,"
"She got me some just like them for to jump on when were playing jumping on the bed, she said I'm just like daddy! But I have papas attitude," Atlantis rolled his eyes in a scarily Regulus like fashion. Regulus wanted to tickle him but he'd just go right through him his heart panged with pain at that thought.
"Is that so, well I can see Granny and Granda and Mama all have their works cut out for them," James chuckled softly stifling tears.
"They said you'll teach me to play chess one day, that you're the best at it," Atlantis said pointing at Regulus.
"Whatever you want Lan, I'll teach you whatever you want," Regulus croaked,
"You're doing your best, you know, you both are. I love you both I am with you every day no matter what even if I am having so much fun playing I go see papa and daddy!" Atlantis declared,
"We love you too Lan, so much baby," James managed through his sobs.
"We love you so much and we think about you every single day," Regulus informed him, eyes blazing.
"You have to let yourself be happy papa, when you feel the good don't shy away," Atlantis smiled. "I have never been disappointed in you by the way, it wasn't your fault none of it was you were just a kid," Atlantis' smile softened. Regulus choked out a sob.
"I want to make you proud," Regulus cried,
"You do. You always do and always did, make more time for writing ok? And daddy don't forget about how much you love Qudditch, go to a match with uncle Pads after your big serious mission," Atlantis smiled.
"And James, Regulus don't let Sirius keep drinking the way he is, it's not good," Lily called over firmly, "Tell him how much I love and miss him and Remus too but I don't want to see either of them anytime soon I want them to go off and live a happy life so Sirius has got to get this under control, he can't do it alone." Lily shook her head,
"Of course Lily, we shouldn't have let it get this far as the people who have been with him everyday," James' voice seeped with guilt.
"I'll talk to my brother, I'll have Remus talk to him and James too. If he has to be sent somewhere to tackle this then maybe that should be the case but I'll see what we can do before it gets to that.
"I'm not mad with either of you, Sirius is the one responsible for Sirius, you are responsible for yourselves and Harry and of course your daughter," Lily stated softly, "But enabling it cannot be good as he is someone you care deeply about, I do too. I reckon I'd have been badgering him daily about it if I was still with you," Lily shook her head.
"Look after yourselves too, don't forget about yourselves," Atlantis added,
"I'll try not to," Regulus sobbed.
"I'll look out for papa and make sure he looks after himself and his mental health,"
"Thank you, but yourself too daddy, ok? You're always worrying about others you need to remember James Potter matters too," Atlantis said softly. "I really do love you both,"
"We love you more than anything, I love your papa, you, your brother and your sister more than anything," James sniffed,
"I love you my beautiful boy," Regulus managed.
"You can let go of that now papa, look for me in the Iris' that grow," Atlantis smiled and blew a kiss at Regulus and a kiss at James. "Bye daddy, bye papa,"
"Bye my wonderful first born, bye Lils" James choked out, Lily waved.
"Bye my little world, Bye Lily look after him until I can please. Atlantis I love you, I love you so much papa will never forget you. Until we meet again, angel." Regulus said before dropping the stone. With that Lily and Atlantis were gone and James and Regulus sobbed into each others arms.
"I got to say goodbye," James sobbed in a way that would bring buildings down. Regulus just held him silently weeping, he had seen him, he seen his little boy.
Notes:
Ok, the really long comments complaining are really getting to me in a way that i rarley update this though I love writing it so much like for exmaple my text fic - Regulus just gave birth and he wasn't pregnant till the end of the story - so thats how much that got updated compared to this one and that makes me sad because this was one of the first fics I started working on. Yes, I do believe you are entitled to your opinion but the big long comments ranting do set off my anxiety, so I ask you all to be more mindful when commenting and it might result in less time between updates. thank you all of you for reading so far 3