"If I kiss you, will that shut you up?"
Alex let out a soft gasp as she watched Hotch stiffen in shock at the quiet sound of her voice cut through his droning on and on about this current case. She had heard it all since they were in the air on their way to this case, and now that they were in the third day with no unsub in sight, she was thoroughly over hearing him harp on the same point over and over. She hadn't meant to say the words aloud, she didn't know where they had come from, but she knew that her loss of control was in part due to the fact that James had left her six months ago, unable to deal with mundane life here in the States, no matter how hard he tried to fit in once more. And she hadn't been able to talk to Erin like she would have liked, since she was still recovering from what John had tried to do to her, and Alex didn't want to hamper her recovery by bothering her too much about her troubles and travails. She caught her lip between her lips as she carefully watched Hotch, to see what his next move would be, hoping beyond hope that he would just ignore what she said and go back to droning on about the rudimentary profile that they had come up with so far.
That was not to be, however, as Hotch lifted her head and made eye contact with her, a frustratingly opaque look on his face. Just as he went to open his mouth to speak, though, she pushed away from the table and fled the room, needing to put as much space between them as possible before he said something that would embarrass her and cause the tears trembling at the corners of her eyes to fall. She didn't want him to see her as weak, especially since she felt like she was still trying to regain her composure after the way she had reacted in the streets of New York, even if that had been months ago.
Alex was grateful to find the bathroom unoccupied, and she hurriedly made closed herself into a stall before taking a seat and burying her face in her hands, taking long, deep, breaths in an effort to calm her racing heart and emotions. As the quiet in the bathroom started to settle into her mind, she began to hope that Hotch would take the hint and leave her alone until she felt ready to face him once more. She also hoped that they would just draw a line beneath her faux pas and move past it with him commenting on her words. Once more, she was stymied in that desire, as the door to the bathroom creaked open and a pair of smart blank shoes approached her stall and then paused in front of where she was sitting. She cautiously curled herself up into as tight a ball as she could, sending up a quiet prayer that he would hear the silence, not see her through the cracks in the stall doors, and leave her be.
"Alex, we need to talk."
His voice rumbled in the room, and she shook her head, dislodging a few tears from her eyes. Alex didn't reach up to brush them away, not wanting to make a sound, to continue this farce that she wasn't in the room with him. As she watched, his feet did an impatient tap dance in front of her stall, and she sighed, knowing that he was waiting on her. Slowly, carefully, she unfurled her body and rose to her feet, unlocking the stall door and pulling it towards her before focusing her vision on his tie, taking in the muted paisley pattern that danced across the cloth as their breaths began to sync up. "I don't talk, especially not about something as embarrassing as that little quip I made back in the conference room."
Hotch's hand came to rest on her shoulder, his fingers curving around it and digging gently into her flesh. Alex knew that he was staring at the top of her head, trying to suss out what she was thinking about while giving her the space to start talking, to start explaining why she had said what she had said. "You're right, it wouldn't be appropriate for us to speak here, where the police force could overhear what's being said. I already called Dave and told him that we're taking a long lunch break, that you needed some space. Judging from the way that he readily agreed, I'd have to say that you've been under pressure for quite some time, and no one knows except Erin. Am I anywhere near the ballpark?"
Alex hated that he had so accurately read her, and she shook her head a little as her shoulders slumped in defeat, knowing that she would have to open up to him, or face censure. "Perhaps. Though I thought you were partially deaf," she muttered, listening to him chuckle. "Seriously, Hotch, you're not supposed to hear the times my lips speak before my brain shuts up."
"Rumors of my hearing loss may have been a bit exaggerated. I needed a way to keep an ear out on Jack and the team, since they tend to say things that aren't supposed to be overheard when they think you can't hear them." Though his face remained almost expressionless, he did give her a broad wink, which caused her to giggle a little, and then she shook her head as she stepped away from him and went over to the sink, letting the water run cold a little before splashing her face in order to remove any lingering tracks of tears that might have escaped. Grabbing a paper towel, Alex dried her face before turning to face Hotch, just barely catching a look of appreciation on his face. It was an odd look, like he was attracted to her, which was crazy, but she still smiled as they exited the bathroom together.
"So, where are we headed to?" she said as they stepped outside the precinct, following him over to their vehicle.
"We'll find somewhere local, quiet, where we can talk."
Alex nodded as she got into the passenger seat of the SUV, slipping on her sunglasses as he pulled out of their spot and began to drive. The town was small enough that it didn't take long to find exactly the right spot for a meal, and after he's parked, she stepped out of the car and went over to his side, knowing that he would like it best if they walked in together.
The hostess sat them towards the back of the restaurant, dropping off two menus before taking their drink order and then heading off to fulfill it. Alex used the menu as a barrier between her and Hotch, perusing it thoroughly even though she had chosen exactly what she wanted the moment her eyes had seen the grilled ham and cheese on offer. She could feel him watching her, and knew that he knew she was avoiding him. Their server came a few moments later with their coffees, and she knew that she couldn't avoid the situation any longer.
After placing their order, Alex reluctantly watched her buffer zone disappear with the server before focusing her attention on Hotch and his tie once more. "So, do we talk about the elephant in the room first, or do we try to make awkward small talk?" he asked with a wry grin on his lips.
"I haven't been on even keel since New York. There. That's all it is."
He ticked an eyebrow upwards before shaking his head a little. "That doesn't really ring true, Alex. And I think that you know I can't stand when people lie to me, so how about we tell the truth?"
Alex picked up her coffee and took a long sip, finding it brewed to her liking, a soft smile curving across her lips before clearing her throat and looking at him once more. "James is gone. Erin isn't as present as I'd like her to be to talk to, and besides, she needs to focus on her recovery."
"And yet you wanted me to be quiet back there."
There was a teasing tone to his voice, despite the serious expression on his face, and Alex gave him a sheepish look as she shrugged. "There's only so much shop talk I can take before I need silence. You were just droning on and on, and I couldn't focus any longer. There's just something about this case and the everything that's happening to me that is converging to make me overwrought."
Their server appeared, setting down their food, and Alex gave them a quick smile before focusing on her food, glad to have a bit of a buffer zone between her and Hotch, to allow her to gather her thoughts once more in order to more accurately inform him about the thoughts that were swirling around in her head. As she continued to stare at her food, Alex knew that she was being watched by Hotch, that he was trying to get beneath her defenses and try to figure out the inner workings of her mind. Picking up her sandwich, she took a bite before meeting his eyes steadily. "What?"
"I thought that you weren't supposed to profile your teammates?"
She could almost swear that he started to blush as he let out a soft cough. He picked up his coffee and took a long sip before setting the cup down and blinking slowly. The way that the silence between them extended told her that he was trying to get her to say more, to feel like she needed to fill the space with sound. What he didn't know was that she had learned at a very young age to use silence to her own advantage, to wait out her brothers and make them stumble into saying too much. Finally, he watched his nostrils flare a little, and a tiny smirk crossed her lips as she sipped at her coffee. "You are not. I'm the leader, so I have to do a little profiling to make certain that everything is going smoothly with everyone."
"I see," Alex murmured as she set her mug aside. "Well, I suppose that this has been a good talk. Shall we head back to the precinct?"
Hotch shook his head a little, and she frowned again as he continued to look at her. Again, the silence between them lingered into something uncomfortable, and she shifted in her seat as she stared into his eyes, trying to figure out what he was going to do next. Finally, he cleared his throat and settled back into the bench of the booth as a small smile graced his lips. He looked much too much like the cat that ate the canary, and Alex felt herself slumping on her own bench as she looked away from him to focus on her mug, turning it absently in her hand as she waited for him to speak once more. "You haven't really said much of anything, Alex. Rather, you've presumed that I would think that we had had a productive conversation by using a few key buzzwords and a bit of emotional manipulation." She wanted to gasp in outrage, but knew that he was correct in his assessment of her discussion with him. "Out of everyone on the team, you're the one that appears the steadiest, and that's why it concerns me that you had a momentary lapse of control. It speaks to something more being wrong than the little that you've deigned to share with me, and I want to be a little more frank with you than that. Do you have someone to talk to about this, besides Erin?"
"If I kiss you, will you just shut up already?" she asked with a self-deprecating laugh, purposefully echoing the words that had gotten her to this place. He chuckled as he gave her a little shrug, and she rolled her eyes a little before sitting up and leaning across the table to press her lips against his cheek in the quickest of kisses that she could possibly give. The moment she started to pull away, Alex knew that she had made a slight miscalculation. The scent of his aftershave tickled the hairs of her nose, beckoning her to breathe in a little deeper, triggering some primal desire in her. The analytical part of her brain knew that scent played a huge part in sexual desire, and that she was having a normal reaction to Aaron as a man, but she still felt an attraction to him that was wholly inappropriate.
As she sat back in her seat, her eyes immediately went to his, taking in the way his pupils had dilated with desire, and she licked her lips unconsciously, seeing his nostrils flare a little as he copied her movement. "We are veering extremely close to something that would be dangerous for both of us. And neither of us are good at taking risks of this nature."
Alex let out a little snort as she shook her head. "This wouldn't be the first time I've played with fire of this nature, but I have the feeling that I wouldn't get burned in the same way." Her thoughts darted to her time with Erin, and how incandescent their love had been, even as they were trying to deal with their husbands. "At least we'd both be single, if we let carnality take its course."
Aaron went to chuckle, only to see the serious look on her face. "Erin?" She nodded. "Did James ever find out?"
"No, but Alan did, and he did not react well. We kept things much quieter from that point on." Aaron reached out and took hold of her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. "That does not make things better, you know. But I thank you for the touch. We need to focus on the case."
"When we're home, though, could we focus on this?" Alex hesitated a moment before nodding slightly. "I'm glad that you said yes. Though…"
"Yeah, Hotch?" she asked with a little laugh as their server dropped off their check, and he gave her a deadpan wink before tapping his lips with his finger. Alex rolled her eyes a little as she nodded, leaning over the table and giving him a soft kiss as she grabbed the check and rose to her feet. Perhaps Erin was right, she mused as she paid the tab, and she did need to speak her mind more often. Sometimes it led to truly interesting outcomes…