Notes: Sooooo this is my first upstead fic in like three months so excuse me if I'm a little rusty, college has been taking up most of my time.
Before I get into anything I want to put this trigger waring here as this fic is a continuation of the end of 7x16 and we know that episode centred around abuse and Hailey's abuse.
So huge trigger warning: this fic centres around Hailey's abuse! The main themes of this fic is abuse and child abuse so if these topics trigger you please do not read this fic! There is also a brief mention of suicide and suicidal thoughts.
If you're still continuing to read then I hope you enjoy!
Title is from Everything Has Changed by Taylor Swift ft Ed Sheeran
for Trix and Luce :)
And all my walls stood tall, painted blue
But I'll take 'em down, take 'em down
And open up the door for you
And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies, the beautiful kind
Making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel like
I just wanna know you better
Know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better
Know you better, know you better now
I just wanna know you better
Know you better, know you better now
I just want to know you, know you, know you
"Five other innocent people died because of this guys not so innocent brother and father, so I'm sorry if my heart doesn't bleed like yours"
"Excuse me?!"
"You're too close to this Jay"
"What the hell does that mean"
"He's your dad"
"What did you say to him-"
"I didn't say anything-"
"You don't know anything about my dad!"
"I'm not pretending to"
"No you're just projecting whatever daddy daughter crap got you screwed up"
"Okay I'm done being your punching bag give me your keys… Give me your damn keys!"
"For me it was worse on the weekends, my dad would start drinking early, like noon, he'd just sit around getting more and more pissed off, my brothers and I we were just kids you know, we wanted to have fun, and it drove him crazy, so he'd pick a fight with my mom, saying that we were being too loud, she'd defend us because she always did. So he'd go after her and then he'd come after us, with anything he could get his hands on, belt, extension cord."
"You ever think about killing yourself?"
"Yeah"
"Hey Jay wait up a second" Adam called after Jay.
"What's up man?" Jay turned around to face his friend and team member.
"I might be prying here but has Hailey ever mentioned anything about abuse to you?" Jay didn't miss how Adam said Hailey instead of Upton, he had his suspicions and this only furthered that.
"Abuse?" Jay raised his eyebrows, they had the thing that they did whatever that was where they had a drink and talked about whatever was bothering them but nothing about abuse had ever come up.
"The way she just got this confession out of the suspect, said she was abused too, about how her dad used to beat her and her brothers, with belts and extension cords and things like that, she said it wasn't real when we asked her after but it just seemed a little too real you know and you're her partner so…" Adam trailed off.
"She's never mentioned anything to me" Jay shook his head "she's good at her job Ruze, if she said she made it up then I guess she made it up, it got the confession right?"
"Yeah he confessed right there and then"
"Then I don't know what else to tell you"
"Alright thanks man" Ruzek thanked him,
"No problem" Jay replied before Adam walked off leaving Jay wondering, wondering about Hailey and Adam and wondering if maybe Hailey didn't make it up.
His mind went back to when his dad died 'no you're just projecting whatever daddy-daughter crap got you screwed up' he had been angry, his dad had died but he never should've brought Hailey's family into the argument he didn't know anything about her family, which made it even worse he could say something that struck a nerve and never even know.
What if she didn't make it up and he had said that to her. He felt horrible about the way he had treated her after and now the guilt was worse.
"I've been behind those closed doors when I was a kid and I know what it's like, when you've been abused like her over so many years you give up hope, right now she's just trying to stay alive and the police are a threat to her survival"
She had been abused, it wasn't just a made up story to get a confession out of a suspect, it really was true. He didn't want to pry, they had a case to get through, but he felt awful. He could see now why some cases meant more to her than others, the whole team all had their fair share of triggers, and Haileys was abuse, seeing someone in a situation that was like hers, but now in the position to help, she would work overtime and a million times harder those cases if that was even possible, she already put her all into her job but even more so when it came down to her triggers.
He had to help this woman and little girl, they all did, but now he felt even more of an obligation to them. He had to get them out, get them safe, it was the very least he could do.
"I don't know how you went through this growing up"
"Hm, every situation is a little different, my dad would come home drunk after being out all night, my mum would say something to him, he would snap. I was little so I just put a pillow over my head to try and make it all go away, but you know she would come downstairs the next day with a bunch of makeup on trying to cover it up but you could still see the bruises. Every time we would tell ourselves it was the last time but of course it would happen again, and there's been this terrible dance but you know I would close my eyes and I would wish that somebody would come in and just put him in his place, do what you did, you did a good thing Jay."
"So what happened to your mom? Where'd she go?"
"Nowhere, she's still with my dad" Hailey shrugged and Jays eyes widened.
"She's still with him?"
"Mhmm" she sighed sadly, she had tried, she had tried so many times to get her mom to leave but she never did.
"I'm sorry Hailey, I'm so sorry I-"
"Its okay Jay, there's only so much that we could do and she won't leave" Hailey sighed again "we tried and we tried but I just…" she left the rest of the sentence unfinished not really knowing what else to say and downing the rest of her drink before wiping away the tear that had fallen down her cheek.
"Another?" Jay asked.
"Sure" Hailey gave him a sad smile and he went over to the bar to order two more drinks, sitting back down moments later after the bartender told him she would bring them over. Jay didn't really know what to say and neither did Hailey, the whole subject was so tricky for her and she especially hated thinking about how her mom wouldn't leave, her and her brothers left the moment they could but despite all of her promises her mom never left not even after all her children were away and safe.
"She uh she always promised she would leave eventually, at first it was we're going to get out soon all four of us, and my brothers they made it a game, I would go to their rooms sometimes when it got scary and we would imagine what it would be like after all four of us ran away" Hailey told him, as much as she didn't like the subject she knew it was good to talk about things and get things off her chest, she had been the one to convince Jay to talk to someone after all. And she felt safe with him and comfortable enough to share her story.
"And then it became he has all the money, so we couldn't leave, so we would have to just put up with it till me and my brothers could live on our own and then mom would leave after I finally move out, me being the youngest" she continued "and then that time came, and me, Nik and Elias had moved out and mom still stayed" Hailey finished just as the bartender brought their drinks to the table.
Hailey took hers immediately after thanking the bartender and took a gulp a lot bigger than she probably should've.
"You don't have to say anything, especially not sorry" Hailey told him "you hear sorry so much you end up getting sick of it" she let out a sad laugh.
"Well I'm always here if you need to talk" Jay told her, not really knowing what else to say.
"I know and I'm grateful for that" she gave him a small smile before wiping another tear that had fallen.
"Wanna get out of here?" Jay asked, "I have beer at mine" he offered.
"What about that whiskey you have?"
"I was saving it" he told her with a small pout and she grimaced at her pushiness maybe she should've just stuck with the offer of beer "buttt I think I can make an exception and open it up for you"
"You're such a tease" she shook her head but smiled, he always knew how to get her smiling.
"Maybe" he shrugged "but it got you to smile" he told her, calling the bartender over for the bill.
"I'll pay" she told him.
"You got it last time"
"And I'm going to be drinking your really expensive whiskey so I can pay for this" she told him.
"Too bad I'm still paying" he said and handed his card to the bartender as she came over before Hailey even had a chance to get hers out.
"Most annoying person I know" she rolled her eyes playfully.
"Yeah yeah you know it" he said pulling his coat on, Hailey pulling on hers as well just as the bartender came back with Jay's card and the receipt, handing them to him. He thanked her and turned to Hailey "ready to go?"
She nodded "I'll meet you at your apartment" she told him, seeing as they had both drove separately.
"Okay, see you in twenty" he gave her arm a quick squeeze before they parted ways, both parking in opposite directions from each other.
Twenty minutes later Jay stood outside his apartment building waiting for Hailey, he had been there for a couple minutes, seeing as Hailey got caught at a light behind him. He had just watched her car go past and was now parking a few spaces down from him.
"Hi" she smiled as she walked up to him, wrapping her arms tighter around herself, it was cold, snow coated the ground and they could see their breath as they spoke.
"Hey" he shot her a small smile before opening the door to his apartment building, opening the door and holding it so she could go in first, he let the door shut and made sure it locked and then joined her where she was waiting for the elevator.
They stood in silence, next to one another, so close they're shoulders almost touched, almost.
He glanced at her, she was watching as the number changed above the elevator, getting lower and lower. He made the mistake of looking for a split second too long, catching her eyes as she glanced over at him, feeling his gaze before he quickly looked away, looking anywhere but her, slightly embarrassed at being caught in his stare.
Luckily he was saved by the bell of the elevator which signalled it had reached the lobby of the building. The doors opened to an empty elevator and again he let her go first.
They stood in the elevator in silence, comfortable silence, sometimes they didn't need words, just the presence of the other.
When they got to his apartment Jay unlocked the door, letting Hailey go in, she kicked her shoes off by the door and left her coat on the hooks there as well, she felt at ease in his apartment, they usually did their thing in a bar somewhere making it all a lot less intimate but there were times where it was just better to do their thing in the comfort of one of their apartments and this was one of those times.
She moved through his apartment making her way to his couch, making herself comfortable wrapping the throw from the back of his couch around herself, still feeling a little cold.
"Want me to put the heat on?" Jay asked as he came over to the couch, whiskey bottle in one hand, two glasses in the other.
"Please" she nodded as he put the glasses and bottle down on the table. She watched as he turned the thermostat, putting the heat on for her and then made his way back to the couch, sitting on the opposite side.
"Should warm up in a bit" he told her and she nodded thankfully.
"Thank you"
"It's not a problem" he replied as he opened the bottle of whiskey, pouring some into her glass and then into his and watched as she took a sip of hers.
"That's- wow" She blinked.
"Right?" he laughed before taking a sip of his own drink. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while enjoying a couple glasses of Jay's really expensive whiskey before Jay spoke again.
"Hey uh do you remember when my dad died..?" He asked awkwardly.
"Yeah, that was um that was tough, why?" Hailey looked at him confusion written across her face.
"Well I treated you like shit that day and I said some really horrible things to you and I uh I mentioned your dad…" he paused letting his eyes meet here for a second and then he looked away, anywhere but her so he missed how her expression softened as she realised what he was getting at. "and I shouldn't of done that, I didn't know anything about your dad then and if I did I definitely wouldn't have said anything, I shouldn't have said anything about him anyways so I uh I'm really sorry Hailey"
He was fiddling with his hands in his lap, looking down, not letting his eyes meet hers "oh Jay" Hailey spoke softly "it's okay you don't have to do that" she moved her arm from underneath the throw and squeezed his knee gently, making him look at her.
"I was awful to you"
"You were hurting, you had just lost your dad, I didn't take it personally" she told him.
"Still didn't give me the right to say it though"
"It's okay Jay, I didn't take it to heart I promise"
"Really?"
"Honestly, I forgot about it till you just said"
"Okay good because I don't ever want you to think I would say something like that to hurt you on purpose, i regretted it the moment I said it and now finding out about how your dad treated your mom I just-" he sighed.
"It's okay" she whispered "really"
"I'm sorry Hailey"
"I know, I know you are" she gave him a small smile, they were good, they were always going to be good no matter what. They resumed their silence, both been taken over by their thoughts once more until it was Jay who broke the silence once again.
"Can I ask you a really personal question?" Jay over at her from where she was nursing her drink.
"Go ahead" she gestured for him to continue.
"The case where the alderman's wife got beat to death and the suspect-"
"Devin" Hailey spoke, knowing exactly what he was talking about.
"Yeah uh Devin killed himself, Ruze talked to me that day, said you told a story to the sus- Devin about your dad, about how he used to beat you and your brother…" Jay paused scanning Hailey's face for a moment to see how she was reacting to what he was getting at
"You want to know if it was true?" She asked his question for him and he responded with a nod.
"I don't mean to be pushy or to be nosy, I just…"
"You just want to know?" She shrugged.
"Yeah I guess"
"It was all true" she tucked her lips into a line "I uh I had to tell I made it up, I hate being looked at like I'm broken" she sighed sadly "and I wanted to avoid all the questions it would come with too, but it was all true" she huffed.
"Did you tell Adam?"
"Yeah" she nodded "eventually, he asked again and told him it was true and that was it really, it's not exactly something I advertise"
"Oh okay" there was a pause "Just tell me to shut up and we never have to speak about it again unless you want to"
"No it's okay, it's you, it's uh different, with Adam he was Adam and with you, you're you" she didn't know how to explain it exactly but she could just talk to Jay for hours, no matter how hard it was to talk about whatever it was, with Jay she could just talk.
"Different?"
"Yeah it's our thing, it's easier to talk to you about all the crazy shit going on in my head, I don't mind telling you things, with Adam it was just clearing up what was going on with me that day I guess"
"Our thing" Jay repeated.
"And you let me drink your fancy whiskey so I've gotta at least tell you some trauma as payment" she let out a shallow laugh and he chuckled while shaking his head.
"God your sense of humour is horrible"
"Tell me about it" her laugh turned into a giggle, maybe she was slightly buzzed from the alcohol.
"But seriously though, are you okay?"
"I'm okay, or I will be I guess" she shrugged "talking does help sometimes though, other times I just wanna curl up in a dark corner and never leave"
"Any time you feel like talking you just let me know okay? And any time you feel like curling up in a dark corner, let me know, because we don't have to talk but I'm here and it's better than being alone" She could feel the tears filling her eyes as he spoke and she let them fall.
"Thank you" she sniffled slightly "and the same goes for you, I've got your six"
"And I've got yours, always" He gave her a small smile and watched as she yawned, settling deeper into the throw "you're crashing here right?" He asked concerned that she might think about going home tonight but she nodded.
"Definitely not driving and I cannot be bothered to deal with the fuss of an Uber and the cold"
"Okay good" he nodded, pouring them both another glass.
"Last one" she told him and he nodded, it was getting late and they were both tired and she didn't want to get drunk, she didn't mind being buzzed, it kind numbed everything ever so slightly, but she definitely didn't want to get drunk.
"last one" he repeated, holding his glass up to her, letting her clink his glass with hers before taking a sip, and he followed suit.
"I'm glad I've got you Jay" her words were genuine, and it made his heart skip a beat "thank you for today"
"you've always got me" he assured "and I'm glad I've got you too"
It was Hailey's turn for her heart to skip a beat, she gave him a small shy smile, before turning her focus onto her glass, her cheeks becoming tinted with a light pink. She yawned once more, her eyelids becoming heavier with every minute that passed.
"You can take my bed if you want" Jay offered.
"Oh no I'm not gonna do that" her head shot up.
"You've had a long day and you're basically falling asleep"
"Dude I am not taking your bed"
"Hailey-"
"I've slept on your couch multiple times, I'm fine to do it again, I'm never going to expect you to give up your bed"
"But-"
"Nope, I'm fine out here" she stood her ground and he shook his head at her
"Are you sure?"
"Positive"
"I'll get you some bedding" he told her and he ventured into his room to pull out the extra bedding. While he was doing that she made herself busy, taking their empty glasses and the bottle of whiskey to his kitchen, putting the whiskey away and then cleaning the glasses.
"I have a dishwasher you know" he spoke as he entered his kitchen.
"I wanted to do it" she told him simply as she rinsed the soap off the first glass leaving it to drain next to the sink, the situation he had walked into was so very domestic that he let his mind wander for just a moment, to what it would be like, what it could be like if they-
He shook his head and snapped out of it, she would never look at him that way, not a chance. Not a chance.
He grabbed the dish towel and picked up the glass, drying it as she rinsed the second glass, placing that to drain. He put the first glass in the cabinet and picked up the second glass, drying that too.
Hailey sucked in a breath at how domesticated they were being right now, they had only ever gotten closer in the time they had known each other, from not really wanting to be partners to becoming friends and confidants to becoming best friends and now to whatever it was they were, tip toeing the line between friends and something more but neither of them having the guts to take that leap to make it something more.
Jay placed the second glass in the cabinet and left the dish towel on his countertop, not too bothered about folding it.
"Thanks for that"
"You're wel-" she replied, well tried to before she was cut off by another yawn.
"Okay you really need sleep" Jay snickered and Hailey nodded agreeing before yawning again.
They both made their way out to the living room where Jay had left two pillows and a duvet for Hailey on the couch, along with the throw that she had already claimed as hers earlier, on top of that was an old t-shirt of his and some shorts, that were both too big for her but it was better than her sleeping in the clothes she had worn through the day. Usually they were more prepared for the rare occasion when one of them crashed on the others couch, bringing a change of clothes or something to sleep in if they knew they were going to drink enough to not be able to drive or get an uber home. In this case Jay was too caught up in making sure that he could be there for Hailey and Hailey was too in her own head to think maybe crashing at his place and being in need of new clothes. She whispered a small "thanks" in appreciation and he gave her a simple nod in return.
"Goodnight Hailey" he lifted his hand to her arm gently giving it a squeeze.
"Good night Jay" She whispered, watching as he made his way to his room before she quickly changed into jays way too big for her clothes and settled on his couch. Leaving her clothes over the arm of the armchair to the side of the couch.
She tucked herself tightly under the duvet and rolled over onto her side, curling into herself, thinking the day over. She thought about Devin, she thought about Michelle and Tina Sullivan, she thought about her mom and she thought about Jay. She thought about how he cared enough to apologise for something he said almost two years ago, that she herself had forgotten about, because he found out about her dad, how he cared enough to let he come back to his apartment and drink his good whiskey, how he cared enough to offer her his bed because she had had a rough night talking about her dad, about how he listened to her and wanted to make sure she was okay, like it was the only thing that mattered.
She thought about how lucky she had got to have him in her life, how she had found her person, she knew how she felt about him and how she wanted more from their relationship but even platonically he was her person, their thing, their talks, showed that.
She thought about what life could look like if he felt the same way, if he could ever feel the same way, what it would look like for them if he did, how life would be so much different but also so much the same, either way she was grateful that she had him in her life and he was in her life so that was all that mattered. Before she knew it, her eyes fluttered closed and sleep took over, she was so drained and so exhausted, it didn't take long for her to fall asleep, soft snores, filling the silence of the living room while she slept.
Jays mind was also racing at a million miles per minute, he thought about his dad for the first time in a while and then his mom, he wondered if his mom would like Hailey, scratch that he knew she would like Hailey, they would get on like peas in a pod, they both knew how to put him in his place and draw him back from whatever he was drowning in.
He thought about what it would be like if they maybe crossed the line of more than friends, he figured it was a big if and Hailey's friendship was one of the most important things in his life and he was definitely not willing to risk it, she was his person, the one person he could talk to without any judgement but also the one person who would call him out on his bullshit. He could lose that, he needed that.
But yet he still let his mind wander to the what ifs, what if she felt the same, what if they could, what if, what if, what if.
It didn't take Jay long to fall asleep either, this case had taken a toll on him too, not in the same way it did for Hailey but it still knocked him sideways a little bit, so he soon fell asleep, just like she did, both of their minds filled with what ifs and the possibilities of the future not knowing that the other was thinking about the exact same thing.
Notes: Everything Has Changed is sooooo upstead coded like oh my god, upstaylor agenda is alive and well my friends!
Thank you so much for reading I really hope you enjoyed this one-shot!
As always comments, kudos and feedback are deeply appreciated if you enjoyed, and I'm also open to some fic requests at the moment because I want to get back into writing someone one-shots every now and then to keep my brain up to speed lmao.
You can find me on twitter and instagram which is knownforyears
But anyways again thank you for reading, see you next time :)