[South Park Elementary, morning. Students are milling around the hallway when Clyde suddenly arrives, walking like a cool dude. He meets up with Craig, Tweek and Kevin]
CLYDE: Hey-up, dudes! How's it hangin'?
CRAIG: Uh, is it me or is there something different about Clyde today?
KEVIN: I dunno, isn't he normally like this?
CLYDE: So… how are we all doing today, eh? Feeling good? Ah, that's good to hear!
[The boys all look at him, perplexed]
TWEEK: [whispers to Craig] Is he okay?
CRAIG: [shrugs]
KEVIN: [unsure] Yeah, uh, we're doing fine Clyde… [beat] But seriously though, are you okay?
CLYDE: Huh? Yeah, I'm feeling just fine. Been workin' out on my brand and stuff yesterday, you know. Something to help me improve on my skills and confidence.
CRAIG: Your… brand? Clyde, what the hell are you-
CLYDE: It's been helping me out for the past day or two. I met this boy who was having problems talking to a friend of his, says that he was worried that he wouldn't think that he was cool enough for him and I said to him that if he needs to be more social with other people then he has to work on his own brand just like I'm doing right now.
CRAIG: Uh huh?
CLYDE: I told him that there are two ways of doing things; the Donovan way or the wrong way, and that the first one is usually the best way to do things around here.
CRAIG: The Donovan way or the wrong way? W-where did you get all that type of bullshit from? Are you trying to get yourself some chicks again?
CLYDE: Huh? Oh, no, no, no! It's a way of helping me and the people around me become better people and increase our self-esteem like never before. Oh yes, if you can just put your minds to it and believe in yourselves, anything is possible for you and your friends! Just like me!
KEVIN: Yeah, like I'd be a pathetic wannabe loser like you. [he walks away]
CLYDE: Pfft! Asshole, I was just saying.
CRAIG: Well Clyde, I… [sighs] I really don't know what to say about that… [beat] But, I guess it's an improvement from how you normally act and all.
CLYDE: Yeah, well no more of that weak and weedy crybaby Clyde that everyone knows and tolerates on a daily basis, right now you're looking at a brand new sporty, willful, articulate Clyde with a brand new attitude to go along with it and that is truly the Donovan way of doing things, eh?
CRAIG: [beat] Shouldn't you be in basketball practice right now, Clyde?
CLYDE: Huh? Oh, shit! You're completely right! I'll see you guys later, okay? Peace out! [he strikes a pose at Craig and Tweek as he runs off]
TWEEK: Uh, Craig? What exactly is "the Donovan way"?
CRAIG: [sighs] I have absolutely no idea, Tweek. I'm not even a part of his family.
[School gymnasium, moments later. Some boys are practicing basketball with Chef as their coach. However, Clyde has still yet to arrive]
CLYDE: [bursts through the doors and runs into the gym, panting like mad] I'm here! I'm here, at last!
BRIDON: Dude, there you are! What the hell took you so long?!
CLYDE: Sorry Gueermo, buddy! I've just been working on my brand management!
BRIDON: Your what management?
CLYDE: My brand management; it's the latest thing for people who are having problems with their confidence and skills.
BRIDON: Um, okay? But how exactly does that help you in any way possible?
CLYDE: Let me tell you, bud; there are two ways of doing things here, the Donovan way or the wrong way and let me tell you that-
CHEF: Clyde! Bridon! Are you two paying attention?
BRIDON: Huh? Oh, sorry Chef. Clyde was just talking to me about something.
CHEF: Well we can all worry about that later. Right now, we need to continue focusing on one of the five drills.
BRIDON: Right, got it. [turns back to Clyde] So if you hadn't known already, we're all practising on the first of the five basketball drills; the bulldog drill.
CLYDE: Bulldog drill?
BRIDON: Uh, it helps us players develop dribbling skills while running at high speed, such as on a fast break. It requires players to keep their heads up when they dribble, which is essential during a game when looking for an open teammate.
CLYDE: Ah, I get it now. No sweat, we've got this in the bag!
BRIDON: Huh? No Clyde, this isn't as easy as you think!
CLYDE: Trust me, a sporty, willful, articulate victim- er, person isn't afraid of anything!
JASON: Wait, did he say victim?
CHEF: [blows whistles] Play ball! [throws the ball and Clyde catches it]
CLYDE: Wow, that was convenient.
CHEF: Okay Clyde, just dribble the ball with your hands and throw it the hoop! Remember, aim very carefully!
CLYDE: I know Chef, trust me!
BRIDON: Wait a minute, dude! I don't think you-
CLYDE: Quit worrying Bridon and watch me! This new brand has got it all under control. [he starts dribbling the ball as he moves forward while trying his best to dodge the other players, he aims for the hoop and throws it towards it, but he throws it too far and the ball misses the hoop] Damnit!
CHEF: Don't give up now Clyde, just keep trying.
CLYDE: Okay. [he aims very carefully for the hoop, dribbles the ball a few times before throwing it again. This time, it goes right through the hoop] YES!
CHEF: Great job Clyde! You've really got that hang of it now!
CLYDE: I know, I know. [turns to Bridon] See, told you I could do it.
KEVIN: You had to try twice, you know.
CLYDE: Yeah, well it's better than nothing, and it's all thanks to my new brand.
JASON: Ah, who cares about some stupid brand management!
CLYDE: Hey, who are you calling stupid?!
JASON: I was just saying, dude.
CHEF: Okay children, that's enough bantering for one day! You did a great job at perfecting the bulldog drill, Clyde. Now… let's see if all of you can perfect that drill, ready? [blows whistle] Play ball!
[He throws the ball. This time, Kevin gets the ball and begins dribbling it, attempting to stop the other players from getting the ball from him, including Clyde. He thankfully succeeds and attempts to throw the ball into the hoop, but he throws the ball a little too low and it misses the hoop]
CHEF: Nice try, Kevin! But a little higher when aiming, got it?
KEVIN: Yeah, got it! [focuses on the hoop] Okay… here we go. [he dribbles the ball while aiming and throws it, this time, a little too hard. The ball misses the hoop and bounces off the ceiling, hitting Tolkien in the process]
TOLKIEN: [gets hit by the ball and falls over] A-agh! Ow! Jesus Christ!
BRIDON: Dude, are you okay?!
TOLKIEN: Urgh… I guess so. [glares at Kevin] Seriously dude, what the hell were you thinking?! Were you trying to kill me or something?!
KEVIN: Holy crap, Tolkien! I am so sorry about this, bro!
CLYDE: Kevin, here; [walks forward] Let me show you how it's done.
CHEF: It's okay Clyde, let Kevin handle this one.
KEVIN: Yeah, he's right you know. Why even in Star Trek, when Captain James T. Kirk and his space crew face off against the forces of evil, they-
CLYDE: Just shut up, Kevin and pass me the goddamn ball!
KEVIN: Okay, okay! Fine!
[Kevin quickly passes the ball to Clyde]
CLYDE: [smugly] Now I'll show you how to score a perfect throw. [he quickly dribbles the ball, aims carefully and throws it again towards the hoop. This time, it goes right through]
TOLKIEN: No way!
CLYDE: See! Told you it'd work out!
CHEF: Way to go again, Clyde! You're all really getting good at this!
CLYDE: [gives thumbs up] Hey, no problem Chef. [turns to the other boys] See guys, you're just not doing things the Donovan way; all you've gotta do to get a good shot is to aim very carefully for the throw. Simple as that!
TOLKIEN: [annoyed] Ugh, showoff!
[Playground, moments later. Clyde is still showing off to other kids about his brand and the proper way to do things]
CLYDE: I'll tell you something bros, if you haven't done it already; I've been working very hard to keep my brand alive and well, plus I've been achieving a lot in school recently too! Now that's something worth being proud of.
CRAIG: And by working hard on your brand, you of course mean being a smug asshole who views others below him? Yeah, sounds like it to me.
CLYDE: And because I've worked hard to improve my brand, everyone here is starting to look up to me like I'm some sort of role model to them. It's like I've been helping them out with their problems and being a generally better person because of it. Wouldn't you agree, guys.
KEVIN: Um? No, not really. You're just being an ass!
CLYDE: Excuse me?
KEVIN: You heard me! That incident in basketball practise, it could've happened to anyone, no?
CLYDE: Yeah, well that's your problem, isn't it Kev; you should've kept a better look out for the hoop when you were throwing the ball. That way, it wouldn't have hit Tolkien now, would it?
KEVIN: Well you… [sighs] I guess you're right, sorry.
CLYDE: Hey, don't sweat it, kid. We all make mistakes here, don't we?
CRAIG: Well, I could think of better mistakes you've made right now.
CLYDE: Craig, please. Don't be too hard on Kevin, he was only trying the best he could.
CRAIG: I wasn't even talking about Kevin, I was talking about-
CLYDE: Well, I'd best be going. See you guys. [he walks away]
CRAIG: [facepalms] Oh, for christ's sake!
[Clyde walks past several other kids in the playground, striking poses to them along the way]
CLYDE: Hey kid, how's it hangin'? Feeling good, I know. Hey buddy, doing well today?
BOY: Well, sure I guess.
CLYDE: That's cool, keep up the good work, bro!
BOY: Thanks, dude!
CLYDE: Anytime, buddy! [he walks away, leaving the boy flattered by his words]
[Meanwhile, Butters walks up to a group of boys playing football in a section of the playground]
BUTTERS: Hey fellas! Uh… I just wanna ask if I can join you guys in your football game, if that'd be okay with you. [the boys don't respond as they're too busy playing to notice] Uh, excuse me fellas. Hello? If you'd like, I can play with you guys too. I always enjoy playing football, you know. [still no response] Uh, guys?
[The boys finally stop playing and catch Butters' attention]
BOY 1: What do you- what you want from us, kid?
BUTTERS: Uh… I just wanna ask if I can join you in your game of football. I mean, I've always loved to play football.
BOY 2: [sighs] Sorry buddy, but I don't think you can manage a sport like that. I mean, you could end up getting hurt or something if you don't watch yourself.
BUTTERS: [offended] Hey! I do watch myself, all the time, and I'll be just fine! Just give me a chance, I'll prove it to you!
BOY 1: Highly doubt it, kid. Sorry, but we don't want you to get hurt that's all.
BUTTERS: [dissappointed] Well, alright then. See you later, fellas. [he walks sadly away from them as they continue with their game. Moments later, Clyde catches up with him]
CLYDE: Heya buddy, what's the matter?
BUTTERS: Oh nothing, Clyde. Just minding my own business as always.
CLYDE: Why? Did they leave you of their football game?
BUTTERS: Well yeah, but how did you know all that?
CLYDE: Oh you know, by instinct of course. Trust me dude, I know how it feels sometimes. I know what it's like to have people undermine your skills and self-esteem and whatnot, and think that you're not as cool as you think you are. Yeah, I've been going through the same phase before until I've started improving on my brand.
BUTTERS: Your… brand?
CLYDE: Yeah, my brand! It's a quick and easy way to improve upon you skills and confidence and helps you become a more stable and easygoing person. Anyone can do it, you just need to have faith in yourself. Sure those boys might think that you're too wimpy to play football with them without getting yourself hurt, but I'd say who gives a shit? There's always a chance to show yourself worthy to them someday.
BUTTERS: You really think so, Clyde? Well I… I don't think having a brand would be a good idea for me, I'd rather be who I am right now. Why would I need a brand to make myself more… social with others, I mean?
CLYDE: Because, let me tell you something, my friend; there are two ways of doing things around here, the Donovan way or the wrong way, and the better way of doing that is to boost your confidence and show to everyone that you're not some weak, little pushover. That's your problem, buddy; you just don't know how to make yourself heard and communicate with others, no wonder those guys won't let you in their game. You're just being too… shy. That's all.
BUTTERS: Too shy? Well, I… uh, I guess you're right about that. I mean I can play football, can't I?
CLYDE: Well sure you can, dude. All you need is to improve on your brand, and everything in life will go smoothly for you.
BUTTERS: Right, but how so? I don't know if I have a brand or not.
CLYDE: You see, everyone has an image. Some kids call it your credibility, or your reputation, but those things are just little parts of something much more important - your brand. Think about it, Butters. Who are you?
BUTTERS: Well, I'm just me I guess.
CLYDE: See? You don't know what your brand is. So how is anyone else supposed to know? It's like a commercial for someone like you, but you're not putting a label on the jar. Tell you what man, I'll take you to that place that I've been going to help myself after school, I know it can do wonders to yourself and your confidence.
BUTTERS: Well, uh, alright then. But I don't know if it'll really do wonders to myself, but I really do want to show myself worthy of being more than just someone to walk all over and think of as weak at everything. Sure thing Clyde, anything helps.
[Moments later, after school. Clyde and Butters walk up to a building that the latter has never seen before nor even heard about for that matter]
BUTTERS: Woah, I never seen that place before!
CLYDE: This, Butters, is called CumHammer, brand management.
BUTTERS: [sniggers] CumHammer? Why is it called that?
CLYDE: For the life of me, I really don't know. It recently opened last year after… you know.
BUTTERS: Oh, well I see how it is. Do you know somebody there that could help me?
CLYDE: Oh sure there is! Here, let's go in and I'll introduce you to him.
BUTTERS: Okay then.
[The boys walk into the building, taking a look around at what it is about exactly. They then meet a man with brown, graying hair and white shirt with the company's name imprinted on]
DAVIS: Hey, Clyde Donovan! How's your brand getting on for you so far?
CLYDE: It's been doing great! I really showed everyone up in school today by shooting a hoop in basketball.
DAVIS: Good! It really helps you a lot, doesn't it Clyde?
CLYDE: It really does! Oh, Butters. I would like to introduce you to Mr. Davis, he's the owner of CumHammer. He'll help you out with becoming a better, more outgoing person. Someone to help you break out of your shell.
BUTTERS: You think he could? [notices Mr. Davis] Oh, hi Mr. Davis, sir. Uh, I'm Butters. Uh, Butters Stotch?
DAVIS: Well, it's nice to meet you too Butters. So how can I help you?
BUTTERS: Well, I was thinking that-
CLYDE: Uh, my friend, Butters here wants to rework his brand a little to become more social with others and so I told him that maybe you could help.
DAVIS: Well, sure I can. So Butters, let's just get you to fill out a CumHammer survey, and then we'll go in the back and come up with some options for ya.
BUTTERS: Oh, alright then! Uh, so where do I start?
DAVIS: Well first, you need to sign your name, age and date of birth on this sheet here. [he hands him a blank registration sheet and pen]
BUTTERS: Oh, I see now! [he writes all of his details down and hands them back to Mr. Davis] There we go! Now what?
CLYDE: Well then, we go to one of the cubicles on the far left there, duh! [gestures to the cubicle he was talking about]
DAVIS: He's right. Here, follow me you guys and we'll soon get started. [he walks toward the cubicle and Clyde and Butters follow him]
[Moments later, the boys are with Mr. Davis at his desk as he types on his computer]
DAVIS: Okay then Butters, we've got everything set up for your brand management. So you want to be more social with other people, is that right?
BUTTERS: Well yeah, of course I do. I want people to start treating me like a… well, not someone that they can walk all over, you know.
DAVIS: I see, alright then. Ah! How does this brand work for you? Butters - Smart, Quick-Witted, Courageous, Victim.
BUTTERS: Eh, I dunno if that would work for me. I mean the quick-witted part sounds nice and all, but the smart and courageous parts? Sounds a bit too exaggerated for me.
DAVIS: Oh, okay then. Um, let's see… Oh, how about this? Butters - Quick-Witted, Outgoing, Flashy, Victim.
BUTTERS: Um… maybe something without the word "victim" in it?
CLYDE: Butters, every brand here has the word "victim" in it.
BUTTERS: But why though?
CLYDE: [shrugs] Pfft, I really don't know. So… what else do we got?
DAVIS: Let me check first… Ah-ha! I think this one would fit you nicely; Butters - Bold, Outgoing, Friendly, Victim.
CLYDE: Bold, outgoing, friendly… how about that for your new brand, Butters? I mean, it's everything you want them to think of you, right?
BUTTERS: Well, sure, I guess. Okay then, Mr. Davis. I'll choose that for my brand!
DAVIS: Perfect! Make sure to tell me everything next time you come to CumHammer, okay?
BUTTERS: Okay! See ya, Mr. Davis! And thank you for everything! [he and Clyde leave CumHammer as Mr. Davis waves goodbye to them]
CLYDE: You'll see, Butters. When you have your brand up and running, no one can stop you. It's like I always say; there are indeed two ways of doing things.
BUTTERS: And you're absolutely correct there, Clyde.
CLYDE: [stunned] I am? I mean, I know I am! Thanks.
BUTTERS: No problem, pal. Thank you for helping me!
CLYDE: Butters, you listen to everything I have to say and everything will be just fine for you.
[South Park Elementary, next morning. Clyde and Butters enter the hallway while students are at their lockers or walking around]
CLYDE: Okay Butters, you remember your new brand from yesterday?
BUTTERS: Yeah, sure I do; bold, outgoing, friendly. I like the sound of that.
CLYDE: I think Butters, they will really let you join in their game of football or any sport for that matter. Come on buddy, you're more than what you originally thought. [he spots Pip at his locker] Oh look, there's your little buddy, Pip! I think you should walk up to him and show off your new brand to him, he'll be surprised.
BUTTERS: But, didn't Pip say-
CLYDE: Ah, who cares what anyone says! I'm sure he'll love the new you. Now if you'll excuse me, I have other things to do of my own. See ya, bud. [he walks away from Butters]
BUTTERS: [walks up to Pip] Uh, hey there Pip!
PIP: Oh, hello Butters! Everything going well for you so far?
BUTTERS: Oh, well… sure, thanks!
PIP: Oh, well that's good to hear.
BUTTERS: Uh, thanks Pip! I've just been working on my bra- uh, confidence. You know, to help myself be a better person for the future.
PIP: Well I don't really see why you want to improve yourself, I'd say you're fine the way you are. There's no need to change yourself.
BUTTERS: But this time is different, Pip! I want to be more social and confident with others so they could let me join in their games like football. You see, Clyde introduced me to a way of becoming a more stable person.
PIP: Oh, did he? Well I don't really know what he got you into, but I must say, you do seem eager to prove yourself to the other students in school and I'm happy for you, dear chap!
BUTTERS: Yeah, thanks a lot Pip! You'll soon find out the new and improved Butters later on today. A more bold and outgoing person, one might say.
PIP: Hm, I see. Well as long as you're happy with that Butters then I can respect you for that. [he closes his locker and leaves] See you later in class.
BUTTERS: You too, Pip! Boy, I can't believe it! He really did have faith in me, I really love this new brand management thing! I should try it out on a few others.
[Moments later in another section of the hallway, Craig is busy chatting with Tweek when they see Clyde coming towards them]
CRAIG: …No, no, no, no. What I meant was, Tweek, there is like 50% chance that the Red Racer two-part special will show who wins that racetrack of Yokohama in Japan. I mean, it's pretty straightforward that- [he notices Clyde] Oh god, it's him again.
CLYDE: Hey guys! So how's the loving getting on?
TWEEK: Loving? Where?
CRAIG: He means us, Tweek.
TWEEK: Oh, right. Of course.
CRAIG: Um, we're doing just fine, Clyde. Though we haven't got to any loving just yet. [beat] Anyway, how's that brand management of yours? No, I'm sorry, the "Donovan" way as you call it?
CLYDE: Oh, you mean my brand? Oh yeah, yeah, it's been going on swimmingly. No actually, it's been going perfectly for me, thank you for asking.
TWEEK: [beat] Ngh! So… what did you do after school yesterday?
CLYDE: Well, I've been helping out Butters with his confidence. I've noticed he's been having problems communicating with other people and I thought why not give him a little push to make him more social towards them. You know, something to make him feel more comfortable hanging out with friends and such.
CRAIG: Well, that's cool and all I guess.
TWEEK: Yeah, I mean at least you're actually trying to help someone out. If only Craig can do the same with me.
CRAIG: What? Hey, of course I do, buddy!
CLYDE: Yeah, sure you do. Anyway, I've got some important things I'd like to do sometime later and I must start planning them straight away.
CRAIG: Well yeah, because class starts in like one minute.
TWEEK: One minute?! Oh Jesus, we've gotta get going! Quick! [he runs off]
CRAIG: Tweek, Tweek! Wait up! [he runs after him]
CLYDE: [closes his locker and quietly follows them after]
[Mr. Garrison's class, moments later. Mr. Garrison is once again teaching his students about something very important]
GARRISON: Okay children, so for our first lesson for today, does anyone remember what yesterday's lesson was about?
[No one answers it]
GARRISON: C'mon, you can't be all not paying attention to whatever I say!
STAN: [raises his hand]
GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?
STAN: Uuh, something about Barbara Streisand being a bitch?
GARRISON: No, Stanley, that was last Wednesday…
TOLKIEN: [raises his hand]
GARRISON: Tolkien?
TOLKIEN: You were talking about how Rick makes you feel complete?
GARRISON: No… that was last Thursday!
KYLE: Ah I remember, you were talking about how we should get rid of all the Mexicans!
GARRISON: NO, GODDAMNIT! THAT WAS LAST MONDAY! YOU NEVER SEEM TO PAY ATTENTION TO ANYTHING I TEACH HERE!
[Tweek is seen whispering something to Craig, and Garrison notices it]
GARRISON: TWEEK!
TWEEK: AAAAAAH! WHAT?
GARRISON: What was our last lesson about?
TWEEK: Uhh, well, uuuh, the Red Racer two-part special on Yokohama in Japan?
GARRISON: Well, seems like someone was paying attention then! We were talking about the Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings that happened during the second world war!
KIDS: Ohhh!
GARRISON: Well, do you know why the Japanese were bombed in the first place?
KYLE: [raises his hand]
GARRISON: Uh, yes Kyle?
KYLE: Because Japan was not willing to surrender like the USA wanted them to meaning the war would continue?
GARRISON: Oh my god, Kyle, that- that is the stupidest bullshit I've ever heard in my life, and for that you get a minus! Okay! Anyone else have an idea about why Japan was bombed?
[Everyone is silent and doesn't answer anything]
GARRISON: Well, seeing as I have a class full of incompetent, dumbass students, I'll give you the actual answer!
CRAIG: Which is?
GARRISON: Well children, as you know, the USA is superior in every way in comparison to the other weaker, pathetic countries around the world, and as you may know, the Japanese were not as evolved.
[Mr. Garrison shows the kids a picture of a stereotypical Asian person to prove his point]
GARRISON: While we have bacon, they eat rice and all those sorts of gay things they're known for.
CARTMAN: Oh, okay then. That's cool.
GARRISON: So the USA nuked them in order for their out of date ridiculous cultures to change for the better! That's why we have phones and all of that modern technology! Any questions?
CLYDE: [raises his hand]
GARRISON: Okay Clyde, go ahead.
CLYDE: Mr. Garrison, I think the Japanese could have prevented this if they worked on their brand! If they had more confidence, they could have kept their emperor without having to surrender! After all, there are two ways of doing things, the Donovan way or the wrong way!
GARRISON: Well Clyde, thanks for you dumb speech about brands and all that stupid bullcrap, but can I continue today's lesson? Thank you very much!
CLYDE: Well, sure Mr. Garrison. Sorry.
[South Park Elementary cafeteria. Five boys are at a table; Craig, Tweek, Pip, Butters and Kevin]
CRAIG: I don't get it. I just really don't get it. Recently, I've noticed a really odd change in Clyde's behaviour. He's gotten a lot more… what's the word I'm looking for…
KEVIN: Narcissistic?
CRAIG: No, not that. Uh… oh, who am I kidding? Yes, it is narcissistic! I mean, seriously! He just would not shut up about his stupid brand and his even stupider ways of logic!
BUTTERS: Come on Craig, he's just doing what he thinks is best for everyone, even me.
CRAIG: Well, for you maybe. But for me and others, it's just getting beyond a joke. I mean, he's becoming more uncharacteristically helpful and knowledgeable this morning, it's like I've been talking to a completely different person that just so happened to have the same hair and clothing as Clyde.
KEVIN: Yeah, I can honestly agree with you there. He was never this confident before!
CRAIG: Well, whatever it is he's on about, I just wish I found out the source to all of this. I mean, it's not like Clyde would've changed his tune out of the blue, something must be up.
BUTTERS: [looks up to the ceiling] Huh? Uh, where? All I can see is the ceiling.
CRAIG: No, something is up! I mean that there is something very strange going on with him!
BUTTERS: Oh, okay then. But… I really don't know why it's such a big deal for you, I mean if anything, Clyde's been really helping me out a lot. I mean yesterday, I made two friends, and a girl asked me to help her with her homework.
CRAIG: Pfft, well that's gay.
BUTTERS: It's not gay, it's becoming a better person for the future! Clyde said that it's a perfect way for someone to improve their confidence and self-esteem, as well as becoming more social with other people.
CRAIG: Well if you say so, but my point still stands, dude. [notices Clyde coming] Oh, speak of the devil, here he is right now.
CLYDE: [walks up and sits between Tweek and Craig] Heya dudes! So how are we all doing today, huh?
BUTTERS: Oh, I'm doing pretty well so far, Clyde. That brand management thing is really working out for me, I don't think I've been so outgoing in my entire life up until now. I've been making some new friends too as well as helping another student out with her homework.
CLYDE: See, I told you, Butters! Things will work out for you the way you expect them to be, there's nothing that you can't do!
CRAIG: Well what if there's something that he really can't do? What will you do then, huh?
CLYDE: Well, he can at least try and do something. Isn't that right, bud?
BUTTERS: Well if you put it into words like that, sure I can.
CLYDE: Well, let's see if you can put your new brand to the test at recess later on. Surely, they might accept you into their game of football.
BUTTERS: I hope you're right, Clyde.
CRAIG: I hope not.
BUTTERS: W-what do you mean?
CRAIG: I was just saying.
[South Park basketball court, after school. Butters sees some other boys playing basketball]
BUTTERS: [quietly to himself] Alright there, Butters. You can do this, just remember your brand and everything will be just fine. Okay? Good. [he walks up to the boys] Hey fellas!
BOY 1: Huh? Oh, what do you want, kid? We're kinda in the middle of a game right now.
BOY 2: Yeah, we don't want non-players from getting hurt.
BUTTERS: You wouldn't need to worry about that actually, I just want to ask if I can join you guys in your game of basketball. After all, I really enjoy playing basketball as much as all of you.
BOY 1: That's still a no from us, buddy. Listen, it may seem fun to you, but you've gotta have the skills and the confidence to know how to play basketball or any sport for that matter. We just don't want you getting hurt, that's all.
BUTTERS: Well, I am a bold and outgoing person! Isn't that enough?
BOY 2: Well being bold and outgoing isn't really that much if you want to join us in basketball, you need to be more… assertive and know all the rules. If you can really show us that you're capable of any of that, which you're not, then we can accept you.
BUTTERS: [disappointed] Well… alright then. See ya. [he walks away from the boys] Aw, hamburgers. What am I gonna do now?
[Clyde's house, moments later. Clyde is at his living room, watching something on TV; it's an episode of Red Racer. Just then, he hears the doorbell ring]
CLYDE: Huh? Who can that be? [he pauses the TV and walks up to the door. He opens it and sees Butters standing before him, shamefaced] Oh, hey Butters. How are you doing?
BUTTERS: [sighs] Okay, I guess.
CLYDE: Hm? What's the matter?
BUTTERS: Some boys wouldn't let me join their game of basketball, apparently being bold and outgoing isn't really that much.
CLYDE: But you told me before that you wanted to play football.
BUTTERS: Yeah I do, but I also wanna play basketball with them as well. I just wanna show everyone that I'm more active and lively than they all think I am.
CLYDE: But you are lively, aren't you?
BUTTERS: Well yeah, but I don't think I'm active enough to join big games like basketball. Maybe I should ask Wendy for-
CLYDE: No, save that Butters! I think you're current brand isn't reaching up to your full expectations. I mean being bold and outgoing is good and all, but I think it needs to be more legit than that if you wanna be part of a football or basketball team.
BUTTERS: You're right there, Clyde. I think we should go back to that CumHammer place and ask Mr. Davis if he could think up a new brand for me.
CLYDE: Well, I was thinking of that actually. Sure, let's go.
[CumHammer Brand Management, moments later. Clyde and Butters enter the building and meet up with Mr. Davis again]
DAVIS: Hey, Clyde! Butters! How are you two so far, good?
CLYDE: Oh sure, we're doing absolutely fine. I'm really living up to my brand, but… I don't think Butters is.
DAVIS: Oh? What's wrong with it?
BUTTERS: Nothing's wrong with it, Mr. Davis. But I don't think being bold and outgoing is enough for me to join in a big team game like football or basketball. I wanna have a brand that'd be like… Oh, you know… uh…
CLYDE: He wants a brand that'd make him fit in with the other football and basketball players, like myself.
BUTTERS: Yeah thanks, Clyde, I was gonna get into that. So yeah, could you please help whip up a new brand for me, Mr. Davis?
DAVIS: Well sure I can, but it may take a bit of time. Here, come with me and we'll get started on your new brand.
CLYDE: Well sure thing.
[He and Butters follow him to one of the cubicles. Later on, they're at a cubicle with Mr. Davis on his computer. But before they even start, Butters has something to tell Clyde]
BUTTERS: Oh yeah, Clyde, that reminds me.
CLYDE: Yeah?
BUTTERS: Well you know how you wanted to help me become more social?
CLYDE: Well, sure.
BUTTERS: Well, Kyle was having problems connecting with other people like me and so he's working on his brand too.
CLYDE: Wait, Kyle?
BUTTERS: Yeah, well I brought him into that myself.
CLYDE: Did it go anywhere?
BUTTERS: Well, I don't really know yet. Kyle's already facing his own troubles at the moment.
CLYDE: …Like what?
BUTTERS: Uh, well-
DAVIS: Okay Butters. Since you want to be part of a basketball and football team, I've come up with some brands that might suit your tastes.
BUTTERS: Alrighty then, show me.
DAVIS: Okay, so here's the first one; Butters - Lively, Confident, Always on the Go, Victim.
BUTTERS: Hmmm… are there any others that I might like? Because I'm already pretty lively.
DAVIS: Well then, how about this one for your liking? Butters - Athletic, Vigilant, Determined, Victim.
CLYDE: Uh… no, I don't think that would work. Are there any more?
DAVIS: Well, there are actually. How's this? Butters - Strong, Assertive, Good-Willed, Victim.
CLYDE: Strong and assertive, you say? How's that for your new brand, Butters?
BUTTERS: Well… I love it! This is perfect for getting into the football team with the other guys!
DAVIS: Well then, that's settled! Glad I could help you guys.
CLYDE: Same thing, Mr. Davis. Come on Butters, we've gotta get going.
BUTTERS: Oh, see ya Mr. Davis. Bye! [the boys leave CumHammer]
[South Park Elementary, next day. Clyde and Butters walk down the hallway, the latter eager to show himself]
BUTTERS: Oh jeez, I can't wait to show everyone how strong and assertive I am! But I don't really know where to start.
CLYDE: Butters, look. If you want things to be done the Donovan way, you need to take things slow and easy before asking the boys to play with you.
BUTTERS: But my brand doesn't say slow and easy.
CLYDE: I know, but if you wanna really show yourself worthy of being a football player, you need to show off your brand to all the other kids around here, just like how I did before basketball practise and look where I am now. Anyone can do it, you just need to express all your confidence and self-esteem, that's what people would want.
BUTTERS: You really think so, Clyde? Sure, I think that might work.
[The boys walk up to the entrance to the playground where they see lots of students there]
CLYDE: You see there, the playground's the perfect place to try and socialise with other people, they all like to hang out with someone who's strong and assertive. This is what you've needed all this time, buddy.
BUTTERS: Yeah, you're absolutely right Clyde. I think everyone will like me for that and stop treating me like trash.
CLYDE: Exactly! Try going to one of the kids and show off your new brand to them, they might be surprised.
BUTTERS: But what if they-
CLYDE: They won't Butters, honestly! No one's gonna make fun of you or leave you out, remember; you're strong, assertive and good-willed. Just remember all those things before talking to other people. That's the Donovan way of doing things.
BUTTERS: You're right Clyde, I'll see ya after recess, okay? Thanks! [he runs off to the playground]
CLYDE: You too Butters. Oh and if you need me, I'll be talking to my buddies in the hallway, okay? Stay peaceful! [he strikes a pose at Butters before walking away]
[Moments later, Clyde catches up with Craig, Tweek, Pip, Jason and Kevin all talking with one another]
CLYDE: Hey guys, been hanging out? That's nice!
PIP: Oh, hello Clyde. Um… there's something we'd all like to discuss about.
CLYDE: Um sure, what is it?
CRAIG: Well… to put it simply; we've all noticed a change in your attitude recently and it's been starting to bug us now.
TWEEK: AGH! Yeah, a lot!
CLYDE: Oh? Why's that? Is my brand not working out for you guys?
CRAIG: Oh for Christ's sake, what the hell do you mean your brand?!
CLYDE: You don't know? I've been going to brand management for the past few days and it's been helping me out a lot.
BOYS: Brand management?!
CLYDE: Well, yeah… you've got a problem with that?
CRAIG: Well, sure we all do! Yesterday when I was walking back from school, I've passed a building that I think you and Butters went to improve your "confidence", it was called CumHammer.
CLYDE: Yep, that's the one. Lovely place it is.
TWEEK: NGH! No, it's not lovely, man! It's awful!
CRAIG: He's right, dude. Clyde, honestly, there is an obvious difference from improving your self-esteem and just being a complete phony of a person.
CLYDE: Oh, come on now!
CRAIG: Face it dude, getting yourself a brand and showing it is not how to make yourself a better person. In doing so, you're just becoming well… a brand, not an actual human being. And I suspect that you've been doing the same thing with Butters as well.
CLYDE: Well… come on now, no one's even gonna notice about Butters. He's now a strong and assertive guy who wants to be accepted into the team if you know what I mean. He's probably still in the playground, hanging out with new friends right about now.
CRAIG: But Butters is not strong or assertive, he's-
BRADLEY: [runs up to the scene] You guys! Guys!
CRAIG: Huh, what?
BRADLEY: It's Butters! He's-
CLYDE: Bradley, calm down. Butters is doing just fine at the moment, he's getting along well with everyone, no?
BRADLEY: Will you just listen to me already?! Butters is in a fight with Bebe in the playground!
CRAIG: Excuse me?!
BRADLEY: Yeah, he's already getting his ass pummelled right now! Come on! [he runs off]
CLYDE: Oh my god… Oh my god!
[The school playground. Several kids are gathered around Bebe and Butters. Bebe has the upper hand, beating Butters down to a bloody pulp. Clyde enters the playground at a far distance and is mortified by what he is seeing]
BEBE: Mother! [punches Butters] Fucker! Don't ever say that shit again!
CRAIG: [arrives at the scene] I don't know what this kid was- Oh, Jesus Christ! What the hell happened?!
KYLE: [wearing a black shirt] Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. [he breaks up the fight] What the hell is going on?!
BEBE: I wasn't even doing anything, and he came up, and started talking shit to me!
BUTTERS: Yeah, everyone likes a guy that's strong and assertive, so I told Bebe to go fuck herself.
BEBE: Who do you even think you are?!
BUTTERS: You want some more of this, you dumb slut?!
[This all becomes too much for Clyde. He runs away from the playground and Craig, screaming and hides behind the entrance]
CLYDE: [traumatized] What the hell have I done?! I didn't want this to happen!
CRAIG: [walks up to him] Now do you know why brand management is bad, Clyde? You wanted to make Butters feel good about himself and now, he's gotten the crap beaten outta him! Are you happy with yourself?
CLYDE: N- no… No, not at all! You were right Craig, brand management is incredibly stupid! I guess there really aren't two ways of doing things after all.
BEBE: [from a distance] You're lucky he saved your ass!
BUTTERS: [from a distance] Fuck you, you fucking bitch!
CLYDE: [crouches down even more from extreme guilt]
CRAIG: Look Clyde, it's nice that you were trying to help someone with their problems, but all you did was make Butters into a corrupt brand of a person. Need I remind you about the time a Photoshopped image of yourself was made and you started thinking that it was what you really looked like and showed it off to everyone until they realised your true intentions?
CLYDE: Yeah, yeah. Just leave me alone already, I don't wanna talk to anyone right now.
CRAIG: Well, okay then. But you get my point, right? [he walks away from Clyde, still cowering]
[Clyde's house, after school. Clyde has just got off Ms. Crabtree's bus and walks inside, still in a state of shock and guilt over what happened]
ROGER: Hey son, how was school today? [Clyde doesn't answer] Clyde, is there something wrong? I won't yell at you or anything, just tell me what happened. [he still doesn't get a response and Clyde just walks up to his room] Alright then, maybe some other time will be fine.
[Later, Clyde is in his room, still in thought about what happened today and the consequences of what brand management could cause. He then hears a voice from outside, calling to him]
BUTTERS: Clyde? Clyde, are you there?
[Clyde goes to his bedroom window and sees Butters standing by his house, fully recovered from his fight with Bebe earlier]
CLYDE: Oh my god, what am I gonna do? [beat] It's okay, just go and talk to him calmly, dude. [he leaves his room and goes up to Butters outside] Hey Butters… uh, how are you doing right now?
BUTTERS: Oh, well… I'm doing a lot better I guess. Still a bit sore though.
CLYDE: Oh… I see. Listen, buddy, I… I just wanna… say sorry for… you know… what happened in school that day, and introducing you into that brand management crap. I just wanted to improve your confidence and help you to be more social with other people, that's all. I didn't mean for you to get your ass kicked by Bebe and telling her to… well, you know. But I guess now that it's only the wrong way of doing things, CumHammer completely sucks ass.
BUTTERS: Gee, uh thanks for that, Clyde. You're right, I'd rather be who I really am as a person than having a dumb brand to make myself something that I'm not. If there's one thing Kyle told me about brand management it's that if we just try to present and control an image of ourselves for people to see, then, we're just performers instead of human beings. Just empty shells of our usual selves if you will.
CLYDE: Yeah, you're right there. I guess having a brand to boost your confidence really isn't the Donovan way of doing things.
BUTTERS: No indeed… say, what exactly is the Donovan way of doing things?
CLYDE: I honestly don't know, Butters. I just really don't know, sounds like an absolute mess to me.
BUTTERS: Well, the way I see it, I say the Donovan way is about how to be proud of who you really are and what your capabilities are, not what everyone else wants you to think. You had good intentions Clyde, but I think there are better ways for people to improve themselves.
CLYDE: You're right there. I think you can be a strong and assertive person, just not in a way where you're an absolute jerk to someone just for the sake of it.
BUTTERS: Well I know that now, pal. [sighs] But then again, after today, I don't think anyone will ever let me play basketball or football with them. They think I'm just a pathetic loser who makes fun of people just for the hell of it.
[Unbeknown to them, Stan, Cartman, Kenny, Tolkien and Jimmy all walk up to the two boys]
STAN: Hey Butters?
BUTTERS: Oh, hey Stan. How's everything.
STAN: It's going fine. Um, do you want to come with us to see Kyle? He's been going through a lot and we figured if… he wants to play basketball with us at the court.
BUTTERS: Basketball? With you guys?
STAN: Yeah, I mean you don't have to come if you don't wanna.
BUTTERS: Are you serious?! I'd love to play with you guys! Come on!
CLYDE: Wait, but what about-
BUTTERS: It's okay Clyde, I'm very happy being me, no matter what I am.
STAN: Oh yeah Clyde, that reminds me… uh, shouldn't you be in basketball practise about now?
CLYDE: Huh? Oh shit, I completely forgot! [runs off] See you guys! Have fun, Butters!
BUTTERS: Oh, bye Clyde!
[South Park gym, later on. Bridon, Kevin, Jason and some other boys are already playing basketball when Clyde suddenly barges in]
BRIDON: Oh there you are, dude! Where the hell have you been now?!
KEVIN: Yeah, it's been about three minutes already!
CLYDE: Sorry guys… I've just been a complete dickhead, no thanks to a certain brand management company that messed with my head.
JASON: Oh shit, yeah, I've heard about that. It's a lucky thing you've learned from that, Clyde.
BRIDON: Yeah, we all are. Which reminds me, I'll show you a new trick we've learnt earlier today.
CLYDE: Nah, it's okay guys. I'll show you how it's done. After all, there are only two ways of doing things around here; the Donovan way or the wrong way!
KEVIN: [groans] Guess he hasn't really changed that much after all.
BRIDON: Well you have to admit, he does really well in basketball.
CLYDE: Indeed I do, watch this! [he backs up a bit, throws the ball at a far distance and it successfully goes through the hoop]
BRIDON: Holy crap, dude! That was- that was awesome!
CLYDE: Sure it is, thanks.
KEVIN: I wanna know how you even manage to shoot a basket like that at such a far distance?
CLYDE: Well… I have my own ways. Now, how about we all play a game of basketball together?
BOYS: Yeah!
CLYDE: Well you have to admit, the Donovan way is still usually the best. Hehe.
[end of story]