"Hey Kyon, what's in the bag?"

It had been a few hours short of a day since Haruhi proposed making Mitsuru the star of her movie, and Kyon was in no mood to explain events that felt like they'd take even longer to discuss than they did to actually happen. Especially since it would require him to understand just how in the world Haruhi managed to acquire the props he was now carrying for free.

Eventually, Kyon decided the best explanation Taniguchi deserved was to give him one of the bags and let him see what was in it.

"...is that a gun?" He said. "I mean, sure, it's a model, but… sometimes you worry me."

"It's not mine," Kyon said. "Haruhi's making me carry them."

"That doesn't make much of a difference," Taniguchi said. "Even if it wasn't your idea, the fact that she's roping you into it is still worrying. If not for Asahina, I'd think you and Suzumiya were a little too compatible."

Kyon was glad he didn't have anything to spit out upon hearing that. But that gladness was easily overshadowed by outrage, even if he couldn't figure out what part of the offending statement it was directed towards. "What's he got to do with it?"

"You kidding?" Taniguchi said. "Any girl he hangs out with, rumors start. Him and Tsuruya, him and Suzumiya…"

"What about Nagato?" Kyon said.

"What about her?" Taniguchi said. "Sure, she has her fair share of secret admirers, but can you seriously picture Asahina as one of them? Besides, she'd never give him the time of day. Ask anyone in her class. If they get a word out of her, something big's gonna happen that day. Speaking of, what's your club doing for the school festival?"

"Why are you asking me?" Kyon said.

"Let's see," Taniguchi said, "Suzumiya wouldn't give me a straight answer, Nagato wouldn't give me any answer, Koizumi just annoys me for some reason, and Asahina would just run away from me. He's scared of his own shadow. Doesn't that get tiring?"

Kyon sighed. "...sometimes. He's obviously strong enough to stand up for himself if he really wants to, so why he doesn't is beyond me… But really, you can't be too harsh when he's still a victim in all this."

"He's not like the rest of the group, huh?" Taniguchi chuckled. "You and the others would follow Suzumiya off a cliff, no question… but I guess there's still hope for him."

Kyon grumbled unintelligibly, but he was at least glad to be reminded why he was so willing to put up with Mitsuru. With the possible exception of Kunikida, Mitsuru was still the least annoying of his male friends by a wide margin.

When Kyon approached the clubroom that afternoon, he didn't find Yuki standing outside the door, so he concluded Mitsuru had finished changing into his butler outfit. Just to be sure, he knocked anyway, but the resulting "come in!" was from Haruhi rather than Mitsuru.

Despite a slight boost in unease, he entered, discovering that, for once, Yuki wasn't actually here yet. Other than that, Mitsuru was in his usual outfit, but Haruhi was inspecting it more closely than usual.

"Is something wrong?" Kyon asked, hoping no repairs were necessary because Haruhi was bound to make him pay for them.

"Not exactly," Haruhi said. "I was just thinking. If you picture a butler, and then a waiter, they don't dress all that differently, do they?"

Kyon thought for a moment and shook his head. "Is this about the café his class is doing? I'm sure they'll provide their own costume for it."

"I know that," Haruhi said, "but it's got me thinking about the movie. I've been throwing ideas around like 'combat waiter' and 'combat butler', but the second one already sounds kind of familiar, so I'm wondering if I should have a way to say 'combat waiter' more clearly in his design."

"I… I'd be fine staying like this," Mitsuru said. "Wouldn't it be better if we kept it simple?"

"You've got a point!" Haruhi smiled brightly, forcing Mitsuru to avert his gaze. "Really, if there's any difference, there's more white on a waiter's uniform. I feel like a 'man in black' sort of look would work best for the character I have in mi-"

Haruhi naturally had a reputation for being stubborn. She wasn't the type to declare, 'it's my way or the highway,' but only because as far as she was concerned, there was no highway. But Yuki's sudden arrival presented her with an excellent reason to go back on the statement she hadn't even finished making. The surprisingly intimidating combination of a simple cloak and witch hat demonstrated that if anyone was dressing in black for this movie, Yuki had a better reason than Mitsuru.

"Then again!" Haruhi said. "It's important for our characters to have contrast. Hey Mitsuru, take off the jacket."

Mitsuru slowly obeyed, revealing a long-sleeved white shirt underneath.

"Hmm," Haruhi said. "Now it feels incomplete. We'll have to see about getting you a waistcoat or something."

Mitsuru couldn't help but breathe a sigh of relief as he put the jacket back on. That may not have gone exactly how he'd hoped, but at least it didn't get too out of control. He wouldn't have to wear anything as embarrassing as that frog suit again.

And while she probably didn't mind either way, it seemed Yuki would be safe this time as well. The memory of her and Haruhi promoting the Brigade in Playboy Bunny costumes was something he really didn't want to dwell on. …except now it was too late. Once again, he found himself in need of a counter-distraction.

"Sorry I'm late," Itsuki said as he finally entered. "My class is quite serious about this play we're doing."

"We'll see about that!" Haruhi said. "Once we start filming, anything they do is going to feel like child's play in comparison. Now that the main cast is gathered, it's time you all learned the roles you'll be playing!" She approached the whiteboard and took a marker, writing a list that the others in the room quickly found disturbingly familiar for such an on-the-spot decision.

Casting Mitsuru as a combat waiter and Yuki as an evil sorceress would have been fine on its own. So would Haruhi letting her interests color this project by featuring aliens, time travelers, and espers. But it was her choices for who played which of those three that shocked them. The time traveler was playing a combat waiter from the future, the alien was playing an evil alien sorceress, and the esper, whose role hadn't been shaped by anything his class was planning, was simply a "boy esper".

Kyon thought back six months and suddenly realized how these casting choices might have been his fault. A small part of him always worried that he might somehow upset Mitsuru enough for him to resort to physical violence. It occurred to him that if anything could prompt such a response, carelessly revealing him as a time traveler would be an entirely understandable reason.

As long as Mitsuru didn't put two and two together, Kyon could feel relatively safe.

Author's note: Hayate the Combat Butler is a series I know nothing about beyond what the title suggests. But I did do a bit of research, and it turns out the first chapter was published in late 2004, about a year after Sigh most likely takes place. So that makes Haruhi's allusion to it an anachronism. Nobody tell Mitsuru! Anachrophobia is no laughing matter.