"Just pick whatever you want, Kiffy. It's all on me."
"Anything?"
"Anything."
Kif wasn't used to having choices. He spent too much time taking orders that ranged from demeaning to downright dangerous, his attempted counterpoints always brushed off as "insubordinate" or "lame."
That's why he was always grateful to get time off with Amy. Besides being beautiful and brilliant, she always made sure they both had fun. She could be a little pushy sometimes, insisting he not be afraid of whatever social gathering or thrill ride she had in mind, but if he got too shaky or his camouflage came out, she'd make sure to ask, "Do you want to go home?" It was always worth it, though, to try so many new things with her. It made him feel alive in a way he never thought he could.
He figured today would be simple. There was a sale at Alien Overlord and Taylor's, and even though she didn't need the discounts, Amy wanted to check it out. ("The real fun is wrestling other girls over a half-price pair of pumps," she'd explained.) Captain Brannigan was scheduled for a tar bath, so Kif crawled off before the jackass had a chance to drag him along. Now here he was, navigating the aisles of the middle-end department store, holding Amy's hand like some lost child, overwhelmed by choice. A tiny tadpole in an enormous pond.
Fine jewelry, talking watches, personal assistants, gigantic televisions and holograms… Amy filled her bottomless cart with pretty much everything, but none of it caught Kif's eye. It was honestly kind of suffocating to have this much financial freedom. He was grateful that Amy was willing to buy him something… but at the same time, it was a lot of pressure. He felt like he was constantly being watched. And not just because of the numerous security cameras.
By the time they reached the formal clothing department, Kif was willing to just buy the first thing that looked halfway decent, just so Amy would believe he was having a good time. Kif's wardrobe was fairly limited, as he was usually obligated to wear his DOOP uniform and didn't have the time or closet space to dress up beyond that. On top of that, there weren't many dazzling wardrobe options for creatures without bones.
Darting his eyes from rack to rack, he finally found the one.
A chocolate brown cloak, with minty-green rings looping around the shoulders and turtleneck. Kif brushed his arm softly against the sleeve. Tightly-knitted wool, or some facsimile thereof, maybe sheared off some artificial sheep. Soothing to the touch either way. Kif needed warmer clothes for the rougher winter climates, since that velour nonsense wasn't enough to keep his cold blood warm. And, oh, what luck – a nearby rack with a plaid brown-green scarf that matched perfectly! (Was that rack there before? Did the store somehow read his thoughts to cater to his needs? What a convenient invasion of privacy!)
With a cautious but ever-growing smile, Kif flung the scarf around the dress's hanger and held it in front of himself. It went right down below his knees – comfortably modest. "Oh, Amy!"
His girlfriend was in the process of stomping some lady to the ground, a pair of kitten heels held triumphantly above her head. As she turned towards him, he struck a semi-confident pose. "I think I found my 'look'."
Amy let out an adorable giggle, then lifted her foot so her tortured adversary could scamper away. "Aw, Kif, you're so cute! But, uh…" Why was she hesitating? At least she didn't stop smiling. "You know you're in the women's section, right?"
Kif looked up behind him. Sure enough, he'd picked out his ensemble from the "women's petite" section. His confident pose melted into a pathetic slump. "Oh, I, uh, didn't notice, wow." He tried to put the dress and scarf back on the rack, but couldn't quite bear to let go.
As usual, Amy noticed Kif's anxiety and stepped in to mediate. "You can buy the dress. It's okay." She took it from his hand and gave it a nice look-over. "It's not something I'd pick up for myself, but I think it really brings out your skin tone. You're a total autumn!" She pinched his squishy cheek. "Spiffy little Kiffy." Kif felt a flush of relief, albeit not enough to flush out all his anxiety.
He then watched her throw the dress into that weird black hole of a cart, disappearing into her personal abyss. Kif looked down at the vast nothingness and gasped, but Amy was unfettered. "MomCorp'll just ship everything in one big bundle to my place tonight."
"Does it feel weird to buy from your company's biggest competitor?"
Amy scoffed. "Shplease. I'm off the clock. And Mom might be evil, but at least I know I'll get my stuff delivered on time without as many weird stains."
Once again, Kif was starstruck at the smallest of things. Amy never seemed indebted to anybody – not her internship, not the government, not even her family. If she cared to do anything for anybody, it wasn't because she was forced, it was just because she cared.
That made it all the more treasurable that she chose to share her life with him.
Despite how easy it was to toss tons of merch into their cart, Kif and Amy still had to wait in the checkout line to pay for it all. Not that either of them minded spending more time together.
"Amy, I have a question for you," Kif began, "and I hope it doesn't come across as strange."
The Martian girl grinned. "Yes, I did buy that cute lacy thing a few aisles back, and I can try it on as soon as we get in the car."
"No! Not that." Kif felt himself flush again, his skin tinted the colors of his surroundings. "I meant, uh…" He gestured towards the segregated clothing racks through which they'd previously rummaged. "It feels like almost everything here is supposed to be for men or women only. It's very distinct, you know?"
"What?" Amy scoffed. "You make this place sound so unwoke. We have unisex clothing sections… somewhere around here…" She scanned the store for several seconds, then gestured to a few racks over in the corner. "See? Unisex, one-size-fits-all clothes, right over there."
The amphibian squinted where Amy was pointing. "Looks like a lot of beige cloaks."
"Well, what do you expect?" She shrugged. "If we can't fit it to a specific body type, why bother making it look cute?"
"See, that's what confuses me," Kif said. "On my planet, we all reproduce the same way. There is no 'male body' or 'female body.' We all wear the same shawls in the same colors."
"Sounds kinda blah," Amy said. "No offense."
"Well, the shawls aren't exactly the pinnacle of high fashion. We struggle to make it far in Miss Universe pageants…" Kif shook his head. "Whatever. My point is, on Amphibiosia 9, your gender isn't much of an issue."
Amy tilted her head. "So… how do you know you're a man?"
"It just felt right to me." Kif shrugged. "We adapted your ideas of gender centuries ago to make it easier to communicate with other planets. After a certain age, we just sort of decide if we'd like to live as a boy, or a girl, or some mix of the two, or simply continue living as genderless. And in my line of work…" Kif glowered as he remembered his first day on the job, and the disgusting awkwardness that came with Captain Brannigan not immediately clocking him as a male. "Let's just say, being male is probably the best option."
Amy stayed silent for a few seconds, then spoke one word. "Huh."
"Sorry if I went on a bit of a tangent." Kif twiddled his fingers together. "It's just so interesting to me how much of a role gender plays in your species. Fashion is women's territory. The military is only for men. Only women want to urinate entirely inside the toilet."
"I… don't think that last one's a thing."
"My captain insisted it was. I didn't believe him either." They both chuckled about that. The line moved slightly; they stepped forward in unison.
"I guess it's just funny to me," Amy said. "Not being raised as one gender or the other. I mean, I know some species don't even have gender, but then you don't really get a choice there, either." She lightly touched her neck, collecting her thoughts. "I can't imagine what it'd be like if I wasn't born a girl."
Kif grinned at his girlfriend. "Either way, I know you'd be wonderful."
Amy smiled in response to show her gratitude, but now her mind had derailed. Not growing up as a girl would have changed her whole life. Living on Mars, all that mattered to her family was that she was their heiress. She could indulge in the Wong family spoils all she liked, as long as she undertook the responsibility of keeping the Wong family going.
Be a little lady, stay cute, stay pretty, don't run around too much when company's over, get out of the stables, don't take a second serving, don't leave your room until you're under 110, keep quiet at the cotillion, don't waste time practicing your swing, you'll never have the upper body strength for it, don't look too cute or they won't think you're of child-bearing age, get out of the sweats and try on the dress we bought – oh god never mind you look like a cheap stripper, don't bother with middle-class men, don't mess around with chemicals or you'll end up infertile, stop talking so much, stop wasting your life in space, get married already, have children already, stop working already, settle down already.
If she were Amphibiosian, if she could choose not to be a girl without ever having to live as one… would she?
Suddenly Amy felt a bump against her back. It seemed the line had moved up again, and the people behind her didn't appreciate her spacing out.
"Are you okay?" Kif took her hand.
"Yeah, totally!" Amy brushed herself off. "Just thinking." They stayed silent for a few more seconds, then she added, "I think that's really cool, having that choice all to yourself."
"Oh, Amy…" Kif's eyes went sad. "Do you not want to be a girl?"
"No!" she responded quickly. "I mean, yes, I like being a girl. I like calling myself a girl. I like being your girlfriend." Now Kif was blushing greener than spring. "But I feel like other people keep trying to decide what that means, and it's so…" She struggled to find the right word to convey this complicated feeling. "...bleh. Sometimes I feel like it'd be easier if I could just take days off from it, you know?" Amy chuckled a bit, but she wasn't entirely sure if she was joking.
"I've never really thought about it, but you'd make a handsome gentleman, if you're wondering about that."
"I'm not! I mean, thanks, but like… gluh, I don't want to be a boy either!" She made some motions with her arms. "I'd just like to be a girl when I want to be a girl, and then maybe detach my gender and just, I don't know, stay in and watch a movie and eat something that'll give me acne." She waved her hands again. "Like, I don't know if I want to live that way forever, cuz it's not like it works for my poor friends, but to just, like… try? To… not try?"
Kif couldn't really follow what Amy was talking about, exactly. He'd never lived as a woman in this universe, nor had he spent long periods of time being mistaken for one. The way Amy strode into a club in her perfect little outfit, he'd never suspect that she had any anxieties about how she looked. She'd even insisted he not worry about her parents and their never-ending scorn. But perhaps there was something looming over her too.
Instead of Commander Brannigan and his asinine requests, she was bound by the weird rules humans projected onto their women.
(Though there was certainly some overlap between those threats.)
Amy gave a small smile. "Sorry. I have no idea where that came from. It's nothing."
As they finally reached the checkout counter, she stood up taller and flashed her perfectly-white teeth at the spindly robot cashier. "Is everything you'd like to purchase in your cart?" the cashier asked, pulling their purchase up on a screen before her.
Originally Amy felt ready to move on. But once Kif's cute little cloak popped up, with the "women's petite" label stuck next to it, she looked down at her bottomless cart and wondered if she really was exploring all options.
"Kiffy, can you wait right here?" She pushed the cart towards Kif. "I just want to check something out."
Feeling their fingers touching on the handle, the little frog swooned. "Of course, dear. Just hurry back–"
But before he could even finish the sentence, she'd pecked him quickly on his bulbous head and run back off into the aisles. Hundreds of customers grumbled behind Kif, but as long as he knew Amy would come back, he wouldn't let it bother him too much.
After such a lovely day with his smizmar, going back to his tiny room on the Nimbus felt more like a prison than usual. In fact, Zapp sometimes used it as a makeshift cell for dangerous prisoners, even while Kif was sleeping, so Zapp could play pool in the actual holding cell.
But then his little laptop lit up with a call request from the only number that ever called, and the room got a bit brighter.
He accepted the call. "Hello again," he said, keeping his cool.
"Kiffy-wiffy!" Amy's face took up his whole screen.
"Any reason you're so close to the camera?" he asked. Amy was quite skilled at manipulating her camera, so if she wasn't showing her body, it was for a good reason.
Oh… Kif could already feel himself melt at the possibility that maybe there wasn't much she had to show but herself.
"I just wanted you to see something I got." Her face went relaxed in a way that seemed to confirm his suspicions.
Kif started stammering, hiding his face in his hands as if they hadn't done this routine thousands of times before, both online and in person. But when he peered through his fingers at the screen, it wasn't what he'd expected at all.
A short green vest over a loose-fitting white button-down, with the sleeves neatly rolled up to Amy's elbows. She wore a plaid tie that seemed to perfectly match the scarf he'd just bought, and sensible khaki capris. She topped it off with a green newsboy cap.
"Wow, Amy…" Kif started. "You look so…" He struggled to find the words. "Coordinated!"
"Exactly!" She beamed. "I wanted to get something to go with your dress. And I thought… maybe it'd be interesting to look in the men's department?" She shrugged. "Just to see what it's like."
Kif took in his girlfriend's beauty… er, handsomeness? Frankly, any word that could positively describe a person's appearance applied to her here. "Do you like it? I mean, I know I do, but… how do you feel?"
"It's not bad at all! Obviously I wouldn't've bought it if it looked crappy." Amy tugged at the front of the vest. "I'm just not sure I love how it fits."
"Maybe it just needs some alterations."
"Hm." Amy pondered aloud. "You could be right. Let me try something."
She took her vest and shirt off like it was nothing, sending a shock down Kif's nervous system. She ducked out of frame for a few minutes. The hum of a laser emanated through the computer.
When she put her altered clothes back on, she seemed much happier. "How about that?"
Her shirt now cut off just below her breasts, and her vest only went halfway down her waist. She put her hands on her hips and posed, showing off her midriff with pride. Now it was totally Amy.
Her boyfriend clasped his hands with delight. "It's perfect!"
"I don't get why more guys don't do this," Amy half-joked, twisting her body around. "Some of them totally have the hips for it."
"Maybe next time we go out, you can set an example," Kif said. "You wear that suit… I'll wear my dress."
She gasped. "Maybe next time I'll get you something in pink!"
"We could go down the entire color spectrum together, the two of us."
"Mm-hmm," Amy nodded. "I'll probably still throw in as much pink as I can, though." She shrugged. "But it's fun to mix it up a bit."
They both gazed into their screens, dreaming of the next time they'd venture into public together, showing the universe the styles they'd chosen for themselves.
Or maybe just sit inside, watch a movie, and eat something that'd give them acne. If they allowed themselves to do so, of course.
At least they both knew they'd allow each other to do anything.