Chapter One: Return
"Hello?"
"Maddie, it's me. I-I need help Maddie. I don't know what to do."
It was a rainy night on April 3rd when Evan Buckley called his sister. It was the early morning of April 4th when Evan Buckley stood at his sister's front door with his entire life in his hands.
"Evan," Maddie gasps, opening her door and staring at her brother. Three years had matured Buck. He stood at her front door 20 pounds heavier, in muscle, with days old stubble on his face. His eyes were teary and his shoulders slumped. But Maddie couldn't take her eyes off what he held in his left hand. A carrier with a baby inside.
"Oh, Evan," she states again, opening her arms for him to fall into. He obliges and starts sobbing into her shoulder. His body folding into itself against her.
"I-I didn't know where else to go," Buck gasps into her cardigan. Maddie holds him tight, the plastic of the carrier weighing between them.
"You never have to apologize for coming to me, little brother. I love you so, so much Evan. Everythings going to be okay," Maddie soothes, rubbing her hands up and down his back. He towers over her shorter frame, molding himself to her as he lets go.
She gets Buck and his tiny companion inside. Howie had left for a morning shift and Jee was still asleep in her room. Maddie sat Buck on the couch and went to get them drinks, collecting herself as she did so. When she returned with two cups of hot chocolate, Buck had the baby in his arms. They were nestled into the crook of his arm with a pacifier in their mouth. Their green eyes looked at Maddie and tufts of blonde hair peeked out from under the hat on their head. A tiny hand was wrapped around Buck's finger as he rocked them.
"Maddie, this is Emory. Emory Hope Buckley," Buck says, staring at the little girl in his arms.
"She's beautiful," Maddie whispers. The resemblance is muted with the tiny features. But Maddie recognized those eyes immediately. She sets the cups down and sits on the coffee table across from her brother.
Buck smiles at the child fondly before meeting Maddies eyes, his expression saddening.
"I had a plan, Maddie. Her mom and I had a plan- but-but then," his face crumpled and he looked back at the child in his arms shaking his head.
"It's just her and I now. And-and that wasn't supposed to happen. I don't know how to do this alone," Buck whispers softly. Maddie rubs his arm with her knuckles and cups his face gently.
"You're not alone, Evan. Never," Maddie says. A few tears slip past his eyes and he takes a deep breath nodding his head.
"I'm so sorry Maddie. I shouldn't have just left like I did. I should've tried harder, done more," Buck says. Maddie shakes her head, tears filling her own eyes.
"I get it, Buck. Really, I do. I didn't at first but then Howie told me what was happening, what was really happening at the 118 and I get it," Maddie says, "you felt alone. You felt betrayed. And I wish you had talked to me more about that, but I forgive you. Okay? I forgive you Evan. Just promise me that you'll talk to me if you ever feel like that again. Okay? Because I love you and I'm here for you, always."
Buck nods, words failing him. He took a deep breath and looked back at the sleeping baby, his daughter. He gently set her back into the carrier and clasped his empty hands in his lap.
"Maddie, about How-Chimney. I-I'm not ready to talk to them yet," Buck whispers.
Maddie nods in acknowledgement.
"I know I'll have to eventually. Just not right now? Okay? I know Chimney will know, which means I probably have three days max to talk to the others, but I just-I can't right now," Buck states resignedly.
"Of course. And Howie will respect your wishes. I-I don't know if you believed me on the phone before, but everyone here missed you Evan. They understand and they regret what happened. I don't want to pressure you, but keep in mind that they've had three years to reflect and think about what they did. How much they hurt you," Maddie says, she squeezes his clasped hands in her own. Buck nods but he doesn't look convinced. Maddie sighs and moves to the couch, pulling her brother into a hug. She holds him tightly like she did outside. This time he holds her back just as tightly.
A squeal from the other end of the room has them pulling apart.
"Uncl' 'Uck," Jee-Yun cries. Buck's head swivels to look at his niece.
"Oh wow, is that Jee?" Buck gasps looking back to Maddie. His sister gives a watery smile and tilts her head towards her daughter.
"Go say 'hi' Uncle Buck," Maddie responds. Buck smiles and turns to the two-year-old. Maddie watches as he crouches down to her level, letting her come to him. She giggles as he tickles her sides and hugs her close.
"I missed so much," he whispers. Maddie softly responds, "me too."
Buck and Maddie had kept infrequent contact over the past three years. Buck had changed his phone number a few times and Maddie had her own time where she left Los Angeles. In hindsight, that was probably why Buck felt comfortable reaching out to his sister. They both had left when things became too much.
Buck laid on the floor, playing with Jee when a tiny wail came from the carrier. Buck hopped up and went about making a bottle. Maddie watched in awe as he pulled the necessary items from the diaper bag and made a bottle with ease. Maddie wondered how many times he had done this simple action. How many times had he acted like the dad he now was?
Buck chuckled when he caught her staring at him.
"Yea, yea, laugh it up," he teases while pulling his daughter out of the carrier and into the crook of his arm. He balanced the bottle in his hand and she suckled with ease. Maddie took his spot on the floor with Jee.
"You grew up on me," Maddie teases back. Buck let a genuine smile light up his face.
"Yea, I guess I did," he responds. When the bottle is gone, she watches as he lifts her to his shoulder and pats her back until she lets out a gurtled noise. Buck merely sighs and wipes at the spit-up staining his shirt with a rag he had for that very purpose. Maddie does chuckle at him when his nose wrinkles and he pulls out a diaper.
"I would've thought this would be where you pass her off to me," Maddie teases. Buck chuckles at her but continues the process of changing the dirty diaper.
Jee runs into her room and Maddie returns to the couch.
"Kenzie used to joke about that too. She made me practice until I could do this blindfolded," he reminisces softly. Maddie's smile wanes.
"Kenzie was her mother?" Maddie asks gently. Buck nods.
"Yea. Mackenzie Emory Jones. We met shortly after I moved to Ohio," Buck states. He starts re-dressing Emory in a pink onesie.
"Ohio?" Maddie asks. Buck chuckles.
"Yea, I just kinda traveled until I stopped. I didn't really plan to stay but then I met her," Buck says, lifting Emory back into his arms. Maddie smiles softly.
"You loved her," Maddie says. Maddie's surprised when Buck laughs, his chuckle startles Emory and she grins up at him, waving her arms around.
"Oh no, Kenzie and I hated each other at first. We worked together in the same department and she put me in my place more than once," he laughs. Maddie smiles in response.
"She was five feet of fire. She was hotheaded and stubborn when she wanted to be. But she was also the first one to reach out and just be there, you know? She was always the first to talk to you when you had a rough call or call you out when you told her you were fine. She never knew how to let things go," Buck chuckles. Maddie shifts uncomfortably.
"W-what happened?" Maddie presses. Buck sighs.
"Two weeks ago we were on our way to the hospital. Kenzie had started having contractions and we were ready, you know? She was early but we planned for everything. She was a paramedic and attended night classes for med school. She did everything she was supposed to do and had contingency plan upon contingency plan in case things went wrong. But then she had a seizure. Eclampsia. D-do you know how fucking rare that is? Eclampsia? 5 to 8%! Of all the possibilities-" Buck chokes on his words. Maddie feels her heart break for her brother.
"I loved her. I wasn't in love with her but she was my best friend when I felt alone," Buck says.
"It sounds like you both cared for each other," Maddie whispers. Buck nods.
"Her family was her team. After she died, it was like everyone forgot how to live. They tried reaching out to me, but I think they blamed Emory for what happened. I couldn't stay after that," Buck says gently, running his hand across the side of his daughter's face.
"How did you pick her name?" Maddie asks. Buck smiles again.
"Kenzie and I didn't plan this. We were just friends and it only took one night before Kenzie was knocking at my door a few weeks later with the test in her hand. I won't forget her telling me. She basically said that I needed to get my shit together because they both needed me," Buck says, shaking his head fondly at the memory.
"She gave me an out, but we were friends so she knew I wouldn't take it. And sure enough, we did it all together after that. I went to the doctor's appointments and parenting classes and the lamaze classes…" Buck rolls his eyes.
"She told me that if I was in, I had to be all in. And I was. I-I wonder if somehow she knew that things would go this way. I know it sounds crazy but… she really did make me become a better person. They both did," Buck sighs and glances at his daughter who returned to sleep.
"We started calling her our little 'Hope' at some point. Kenzie would always say that she would be the best of us. So after everything, I wanted her to have pieces of us. I used Mackenzies middle name, Emory and Hope for her middle name. Buckley was the only thing I had left to give her," Buck says softly. Maddie smiles at her brother.
"You're a great dad, Buck," she says. Buck smiles at her before a frown takes over his face.
"Then why do I feel like I already failed? She has no mother. I took her away from her home. And now I've jumped right back into what I left three years ago," Buck states. Maddie shakes her head in disagreement.
"You're not failing her, you're doing the best you can. You're being the best you can be, for her. You-you didn't abandon her. You brought her here where you know you'll have help and support," Maddie reminds. Buck tilts his head to the side, taking in her words.
Maddie grabs his hand.
"Stay as long as you need Evan. I don't know what your plans are, but maybe consider letting us in? I've missed you. The rest of your family here has missed you too," Maddie reminds gently. Buck tenses but lets out a reluctant nod.
Jee comes back out, brandishing a yellow plastic dinosaur that Buck immediately recognizes. Maddie turns to see what captured his attention and gives him a waning smile.
"They come over a lot. We rotate for gatherings every Friday now between here and The Grant-Nash's," Maddie says. Buck just nods, swallowing thickly.
Today was Wednesday.
"I should warn you, Howie should be home soon. I didn't tell him about our call last night," Maddie shared. Buck nodded.
"You're welcome to stay. We have a guest room and I have Jee's baby stuff in the attic," Maddie offers. Buck just nods again.
"I don't want to make any promises Maddie," Buck relents.
"I know, you can stay as long or as short as you'd like. I just want to enjoy having you back, no matter how long that is," Maddie says gently. Buck smiles in appreciation.
"Thanks Mads," he responds. Then the front door opened.
"Jee-Jee! Daddy's home," Chimney calls walking from the entry way and into the living room, he freezes when he sees Buck and Maddie on the couch.
"Howie I-" Maddie stands up but Chimney is lunging across her and latching onto Buck. He has a hand clasped across Buck's back and another in his hair as he holds tight.
"Thank god, thank god," Chimney praises swaying them back and forth. Buck hesitantly reaches a hand up and pats the other man on the back awkwardly.
"Hey Chim," Buck breathes a bit strained. Chimney pulls back but keeps his hands latched onto the others shoulders.
"You're real right? I haven't cracked or died or am dreaming?" Chimney rambles. Bucks face cracks into a grimace.
"No, I'm here," Buck supplies. Chimney lets one hand fall to his hip but keeps the other on Buck.
"Okay, but are you here, back here? Or are you just here?" Chim asks.
Maddie cuts in, "Howie-" she shakes her head.
"I'm still trying to figure that out," Buck answers honestly. Chimney nods, his shoulder deflating slightly. But he pulls Buck into another hug.
"Whether its for a few hours or a few days, I missed you like hell," Chim says. Buck hugs him back this time with a whispered, "I missed you too."
They pull apart long enough for Chimney too see the carrier at the end of the couch. His eyes lock onto it and then back to Buck and then back to it again.
"A-am I hallucinating or.." Chim points at the carrier and back to Buck. Buck nervously chews on his lip, but nods his head in confirmation.
"Chim, this is Emory. My daughter," Buck says. Chimney shakes his head, "no way, shes way too cute to be yours." Buck laughs softly. Chimney moves towards the carrier but stops himself. He turns to Maddie and appears stuck.
"So, I've missed a lot and I have a lot of questions," he looks at Buck and Maddie, "but I'm sure I'll get filled in eventually so I'll just start dinner and let you two get back at it." He leaves the living room and heads towards Jee's room. Buck looks at Maddie in surprise. Chimney would've been his first bet for asking all the questions and wanting all the answers. Maddie smiles at him, "I told you Buck. Everyone missed you, we're just glad to have you back."
He nods again and movement catches his eye as Emory wakes up. He smiles at her wiggling form and looks at Maddie.
"Do you want to hold her?" he asks. She squeals and jumps up, "I was so hoping you would ask!"
Buck gingerly picks his daughter up and Maddie coo's as she scrunches up towards her dad. Buck lays her in Maddie's arms and the woman melts.
"God Buck," she breathes taking in her niece. Buck's answering smile lights up his face.