Chapter Three: Recovery
Buck spent most of his morning at the station. Bobby invites him over to the Nash-Grant barbeque scheduled the following night and he almost says 'yes' but hesitates for one glaring reason. Eddie.
So instead he offers a feeble promise of 'maybe' and the look in Bobby's eye is far too understanding. Especially when his following statement is "well, in that case you should consider going to Gardens Park. It's a beautiful day outside."
They both know very well what Buck will find at Gardens Park. Because Buck was the one that introduced Eddie and Christopher to that park.
And that's how Buck finds himself sitting in the parking lot of that very damn park. The day had been beyond emotionally challenging. And Buck kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. He was certain that in this case the shoe was 'Eddie' and he knew that he deserved every bit of whatever he got. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment and wanted it sooner rather than later. Maybe he felt like he was getting off too easy and knew he could rely on Eddie to put him in his place. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.
Buck had kept infrequent contact with Maddie and only received updates about Christopher. The younger Diaz had begged Maddie to let him talk to Buck on a rare occasion that he called while the younger was present. Buck held the longest conversation he had with anyone from his past on that day. Chris was only seven and struggled with his sudden departure. Buck had tried to explain it in that phone call, but he knew that the boy was hurting and it was Bucks fault. Hurting Christopher was one of Bucks biggest regrets in life.
He does some of those deep breathing exercises that Kenzie forced him to learn and clears his head. She would be rolling in her grave if she knew where he was right now. 'What are you waiting for? Get your ass in gear Ev, time doesn't wait for anyone. You've gotta make the most of it." He smiles at the memory of her exasperated voice. She was always dropping hints of wisdom in her wise-girl remarks. 'Why is it wise-guy when I have never met a man wiser than I?" He does chuckle at that particular memory as he pulls Emory out of her carrier and into the stroller. He locks up the car, slings the diaper bag over his shoulder and makes his way through the park.
The sun is out and there is a soft breeze, making the atmosphere a perfect temperature. Buck checks over Emory who he had changed into a white long-sleeved onesie with little pink flowers, pink pants with ruffled bottoms and white socks. Hen had also fitted a matching headband to his daughter's head. He would've protested had it not been exactly what Kenzie would've done. He remembers the hours she spent making Pinterest boards and sharing outfits with him. At first Buck reared back at all the pink and frills and bows. But Kenzie managed to get him one last time with a pink-themed baby shower. The station back in Ohio was all too willing to assist in mocking Buck's loathing of the color. The joke was on all of them now, because whenever he saw the color pink, he thought about Kenzie and that warmed him.
Buck is staring down at his daughter so he misses it the first time there's a tug against the hem of his jacket. But he feels it after a persistent yank and turns, nearly falling over, "Christopher?"
The boy had grown so much in three years, now 10 years old and up to Bucks chest. But it was him.
"B-Buck?" Christopher asks in almost equal surprise. Buck keeps a hand on the stroller but kneels down.
"Y-yea, its me Chris," Buck stutters. Facing Christopher makes him more nervous than Bobby or Maddie or anyone else so far. But he lets out a choked laugh when Chris relents and hugs him, Buck wraps his free arm around him tightly.
"Evan?" a much deeper voice calls. Buck stiffens and looks up to see Eddie a few steps away. They make eye contact and he watches as Eddie takes an involuntary step backwards.
Christopher pulls away and looks at Buck.
"What a-are you doing h-ere Buck?" Chris asks. Buck lets his lips curl into a small unsure smile. That was a fantastic question.
"I came back to visit for a while. I thought I would enjoy the fresh air for a minute," Buck answers in partial truths.
Christopher frowns at him.
"Is that y-you baby, B-Buck?" Christopher asks. Bucks grip tightens around the handle and his eyes shoot up to Eddie who remains well within earshot of their conversation. The other man hasn't moved to interfere, but stands menacingly with his arms crossed and jaw tight.
"Y-yea Buddy, this is Emory," Buck says standing up. Christopher comes closer to the stroller and peers up at her. Emory claps her hands lazily and wiggles her toes against her socks.
"I-is she why y-you left us?" Chris asks after a moment. Bucks heart sinks and he drops back into a crouch.
"No, no Chris. She isn't why I left. I mean, I did have to stay a little while to make sure her mom was okay, but she's the reason I came back," Buck answers as honestly as he can.
"Where is h-her mom?" Chris asks. And Buck really hates that this is the most common question any man is asked. He doesn't blame Christopher at all, but he hears Kenzies voice in his head 'Fuck the patriarchy, Ev.'
"Well Chris, sometimes people go away and it's sad and it hurts," Buck says. Chris nods, understanding crossing his features, "but not everyone goes away forever, sometimes they come back and as much as we miss them, that's how happy we are to see them again."
Chris smiles at him, "did you miss me Buck?"
Buck can't help a lone tear that leaks past his lashes, "every day Superman. I missed you every single day."
Chris wraps his arms around Bucks neck and Buck anchors his arm around Chris's waist with just as much enthusiasm.
"I'm so, so happy to see you buddy," Buck whispers into his hair. Chris pulls back and pats Buck's cheek, "I missed you too kid."
Buck rises and Christopher grabs his hand, pulling him towards Eddie. Buck feels apprehension flood his veins. Eddie uncrosses his arms and gives a tentative smile.
"Long time, no see stranger," Eddie calls. Buck bites at his lip and his grip against the stroller doesn't loosen. Eddie takes a hesitant step forward and searches Bucks face.
'C-can I hug you?" Eddie asks. Buck wants to drop to the ground, he wants to scream, he wants to lunge himself at Eddie. Conflicting emotions swarm through him, but somehow he manages a barely-there nod of confirmation. Eddie closes the distance in two strides and has a hand in Bucks hair and another around his back, holding him close.
"God I missed you so much," Eddie whispers. Buck melts into the embrace.
"I would've thought you'd be mad at me," Buck tests hesitantly. Eddie pulls back, a hand remaining against the back of his neck.
"Oh, I was furious. But then I got some sense knocked into me and realized that I have some things to apologize for," Eddie says. Buck laughs at the wording and Eddie's eyebrow flicks upwards.
"I-I may have said something along similar lines to Bobby a few hours ago," Buck admits. Eddie's eyes softened but apprehension clouded his features.
"Let me guess, you saved the best for last?" Eddie teases, but Buck can hear the underlying anxieties there.
"Actually, I sat outside your house for an hour before heading to the station," Buck admits.
Eddie breaths out, "I didn't realize I was that scary Buck."
Buck breathes in, "no, you were just that important. I didn't want to screw up again."
Eddie smiles a soft smile and gives a light squeeze to the back of Bucks neck.
"Are you l-leaving a-again?" Christopher asks. The tepid moment they made was shattered. Buck thought carefully about his response.
"I honestly don't know for sure Buddy. I-I don't think I want to. But it's not just about me anymore," he says gently. Chris looks from him to Emory.
"Carla and I can watch your baby Buck, you don't have to worry," Buck lets out a startled laugh and manages to hide the tears forming in his eyes. He calms himself before thinking of a way to explain the past three years to a 10 year old.
"It's not that simple Buddy. I left because I was really hurt, and I hurt a lot of people. I think I need to figure out if I still fit before I decide on if I should stay," Buck tries. Chris appears to contemplate this before responding.
"But you're Buck, y-you'll always fit. And when I h-hurt people, I apologize. Thats w-what you do wh-when you care about someone," Chris says.
Bucks smiles and admonishes, "since when did you become Mr. Wise Guy?"
"Yea, the kids really put me in my place here recently," Eddie responds. Buck looks between them, before fully facing Christopher.
"Chris, I want to apologize to you for hurting you when I left. I want to prove to you that I mean it when I say 'I'm sorry' and I promise to talk to you next time before I think about leaving ever again," Buck swears. Chris's face thinks hard for a moment.
"I'm still upset w-with you. But I a-accept your apology. Don't do it a-again," Chris says seriously. Buck smiles at him softly.
"I can't promise I won't hurt you by accident. But I promise that I will do my very best to try not to. I also can't promise that I won't ever leave again, but I do promise that I will do my very very best to stay this time around," Buck amends. Chris nods and holds out his pinky. Buck laughs and hooks his own around Chris's in a promise. Then he's pulling Chris back into a tight hug. Eddie nods his approval over Chris's shoulder.
Buck relinquishes his hold and leans over the stroller to pick up Emory.
"Christopher, there's someone I would like you to meet," Buck says, cradling Emory into his arm.
He watches Eddie take an involuntary step forward and can see the exact moment that Eddie falls into the 'Emory Trap' as Hen had called it earlier.
"She's beautiful, you did good Evan," Eddie praises. Buck feels his cheeks flush at the compliment. Emory reaches towards Christophers finger that he's slowly inched towards her hand. She wraps her hand around his finger and giggles. Chris smiles and shoots his dad a look, "can we keep her?"
Eddie laughs, "I don't think her daddy would appreciate that very much Buddy."
Buck chuckles as well.
"Well, c-can't we keep them b-both?" Chris asks. Buck is surprised with Eddie's answer of "I hope so, Buddy."
Buck makes eye contact with Eddie and everything that was mending back together solidifies.
There is still a lot to talk about. There is still a lot of trust to rebuild. But in this moment, Buck allows himself to just be.
'Life fucking sucks Ev. That's why we have to live in the good moments for as long as we can. And this is a good moment, so stop overthinking it and just be, be in the moment.'