Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition.
[Season 10] – Round 6: Songs of Ice and Fire
Team: Chudley Cannons
Position: Beater 1 – Be inspired by a song from Game of Thrones: Brave Danny Flint
Bonus prompts:
5. (relationship type) siblings
9. (pairing) Remus/Sirius
13. (character/theme) Death
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Word count: 2373
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Thanks to Autumn for betaing!
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Trigger warning: mention of death
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The heiress to the Ancient and most Noble House of Black was… dead.
Or that's what Regulus wanted everyone to believe, and they did. Except of course his stupid brother Sirius, and his stupid boyfriend and incredibly stupid best friend, who he now lived with.
Despite swearing he would never follow in Sirius' footsteps, Regulus had found himself betraying Voldemort and leaving the family. It was a good thing too, because the Order now knew that Peter Pettigrew (Sirius' ex-friend) was a spy and that Voldemort collected Horcruxes.
Really, where would they be without him?
There was a knock on the door to the spare room he was currently occupying. Sirius stepped in. "Do you want to cook dinner with me?"
Regulus pretended to think about it. "Yes."
Cooking was something he found surprisingly pleasant, but more than that he enjoyed spending time with Sirius. Neither Remus nor James wanted to partake if someone else volunteered, so it was something they could do together.
"Have you given any more thought to Dumbledore's offer?" Sirius asked.
"No."
Regulus was facing a problem, in that he was publicly a Death Eater, but also a supposedly dead one. He couldn't show his face in public for either side of the war. Dumbledore had offered to help, but Regulus had refused. He didn't want to owe anything to that kind of man.
"So you're just going to stay here forever?"
"I'll figure something out."
"And if you don't?"
"I don't like the public anyway."
Sirius snorted.
By the time they were almost finished cooking, Remus came through the fireplace and walked into the kitchen. He stepped up behind Sirius, who was washing the kitchen equipment they had used, and wrapped his arms around him. Remus pressed kisses to his neck while mumbling hellos and compliments of the smell. Sirius giggled while turning around and they kissed each other on the lips.
Regulus busied himself with drying the cutting board and putting it away, while ignoring the burn in his chest. He was about to leave when Sirius managed to divide his attention from Remus.
"Hey, we're not finished with this." He gestured to the sink. "You're a grown woman now, you should be able to handle a little display of affection."
That, Regulus supposed, was the only bad thing about living there. But it wasn't like he could be his true self anywhere else. He could make do with the comments, and his long hair. At least he didn't have to wear dresses or skirts anymore.
"You're annoying."
"And you're mean." The corner of Sirius' lips quivered. "Now clean up."
Regulus rolled his eyes but walked over to dry the bowl.
Remus kissed Sirius' cheek. "I'll set the table."
They moved so easily around the kitchen – not once bumping into each other or standing in the other's way. The conversation flowed quickly and seemingly to Regulus, missing parts, but it appeared to make perfect sense to them. Regulus had to look away. He sat by the kitchen table and distracted himself by ripping apart tissue paper.
"Do you know when James is coming?" Remus asked.
"Any minute."
James Potter was stupidly perfect. He had been the star player on the Quidditch Team, top of his class and Head Boy. And worst of all, he had dared steal his Sirius. James Potter was an idiot and had refused to believe there was any way Peter Pettigrew could be working for Voldemort, until he had seen the mark on his ex-friend's arm.
A very idiotic and in no way charming trait.
As if on cue, the fireplace sounded again and moments later James stepped into the kitchen. He hugged both Sirius and Remus and complimented the smell as well. None of them were that affectionate with Regulus. Which was completely fine anyway, because Regulus didn't like being touched.
James sat across from Regulus, wearing his stupid, arrogant smile. "Hey. How was your day?"
Ugh.
"What's the news?" Regulus asked.
James' shoulder slumped, but his cool façade remained. The Order of the Phoenix (that Regulus was not part of, thank you very much) had so far not been able to find any Horcruxes besides the one Regulus had given them, but they were working hard to.
"We have a couple of promising leads. Marlene and the Prewitt twins are still away, but Marlene sent a letter to Dorcas, and it seems to be going well."
"That's good," Remus said as he sat down next to James. Regulus hated that they thought they couldn't sit next to him. "Hopefully this'll be over soon."
Sirius agreed with a hum as he sat down next to Regulus. Instantly his and Remus' hands gravitated towards each other.
Regulus' eyes shifted away, and involuntarily found James, who was sneakily looking at Sirius and Remus too, with a lost, hopeful look in his eyes. He wondered how long they could all sit there in silence, but then the oven made a sound, and Sirius put the dinner on the table.
The others talked about their friends and what they were up to and how they were doing, including tidbits about their time at Hogwarts and reminding each other of that funny thing that had happened.
Regulus, well…
On the inside, he wished he could be a part of their conversation.
On the outside, he was grumbling and stabbing at his food, and might not have appeared to want part in their friendship. It was entirely stupid, but Regulus was jealous. He didn't fit in with them, and he might not ever. James and Remus only allowed him to be there because he was Sirius' sister, and Sirius must have felt an obligation to take him in.
Regulus slept in Pettigrew's old room: what other proof did there need to be to show he was an outsider?
…
Regulus stepped into the living room, where Remus and Sirius were lying on the couch: Remus on top of Sirius. Were they even capable of not touching each other? He tried avoiding eye-contact, but Remus spotted him.
"Hey!" He spoke. Remus sat up slightly and reached behind himself while looking at Regulus. Sirius grabbed the bookmark from the coffee table and handed it to Remus, who put it between the pages and put his book away. It was scary sometimes, how perfectly in sync they existed around each other. "Did you finish?"
Regulus looked at the book in his hand, The Praise Singer. "Yes. It was good."
"Right?" Remus sat up straighter now. "I have more books like it. You just take whatever you want from the shelf."
"Is that one of the queer ones?" Sirius asked while suppressing a yawn.
"Queer?" Regulus asked.
"You know, when men like men or when women like women," he explained.
It was, Regulus thought, one of the queer ones. Regulus hadn't been aware that there was a word for it, and up until recently he hadn't even been aware it was an option. But there was something special about Sirius and Remus' relationship. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was, but seeing them openly together for the first time… it was beautiful. But it also left a fire of longing burning in his chest that he didn't know what to do with.
He put the book back on the shelf, just as James stepped through the fireplace.
"Got 'em," he said and pulled out… Regulus couldn't remember what it was called, but with them, they could see pictures with sound and movement on the… the box. "Can you get the sweets?"
Regulus was surprised that James addressed him. "…sure."
They had a cabinet with the single purpose of always being stocked with sweets. Primarily chocolate. Regulus picked a few and put them in a bowl. In the meantime, James had put the little box into the larger box, and it was now blasting sound. In the living room, Sirius immediately reached for the bowl.
"Chocolate, please." Sirius took the large chocolate bar, and left Regulus to figure out what to do with the bowl. He put it on the coffee table.
Sirius immediately gave the chocolate to Remus, and they got comfortable on the couch again, still wrapped up in each other. James wrapped himself in a blanket and sat in the armchair. Regulus took the only remaining seat.
Throughout watching the moving picture with sound, Regulus couldn't help stealing glances of Remus and his brother on the couch, even though it hurt him to do so. He couldn't express his desire to have something like they had, because on one hand he could, but on the other, he knew it would never be the same. Regulus liked men, but he couldn't picture himself being with a man. That image… it didn't feel right.
One of the times Regulus looked over, he caught Sirius' eyes. As did he the next time… and the time after that, until Sirius couldn't keep his mouth shut anymore.
"What's your problem?" he spat.
Regulus glared. "I don't have a problem."
"Then what do you keep looking over for?"
Remus moved slightly. "Sirius… she's not–"
"Yes, she is," Sirius insisted while staring daggers at Regulus. "So what's your problem with Remus and me?"
"I don't have a problem," Regulus lied.
"I said you'd have to be okay with it if you wanted to live here."
"I am okay with your relationship."
Sirius snorted. "Right. You may have been able to lie and act as the perfect little daughter in front of our parents, but I know you better than that."
Regulus felt his face turn red. "Shut up."
"The perfect, prissy little–"
Sirius stopped abruptly when Regulus practically bolted out of the room. A sharp ringing blasted in Regulus' ears, only drowned out by the quick beating of his heart. He wanted to rip the whole room apart. Tear down the walls and see them crumble. But he didn't.
Upon entering his bedroom, Regulus grabbed a pillow and punched out his frustrations.
Sometime later, when Regulus was too tired to continue, there was a knock on the door. Sirius carefully stepped inside, and the door clicked shut behind him.
He didn't say anything, so Regulus did. "I really, really don't have a problem with you and Remus' relationship."
"I know," he said carefully. "I was just paranoid, and I took it out on you. I'm sorry; I didn't mean to upset you."
Regulus was stunned at first. Sirius had never apologized so easily to him before. It was no doubt the influence of Remus, but that thought brought back the burning in his chest. "It's… it's nothing."
"That wasn't nothing." Sirius tilted his head. "I sometimes get the feeling I say the wrong thing, but I can't figure out what exactly it is… so what is it?"
Regulus shrugged, because he truly didn't know. He had his brother, and he was free from his parents. He should be happy… but that small taste of freedom had done more harm than good, because all the small things that didn't matter before now left giant holes in his heart.
"Try and spill some words, I'll piece it together," Sirius said, almost managing to pull a smile from Regulus.
"I…" he shrugged again. "Something doesn't feel quite right inside me."
"What doesn't?"
Regulus blew air out slowly. "When did you become so adult?"
"Don't change the subject," but there was a slight pull to Sirius' lips. "What doesn't feel right?"
He waited, because Sirius used to walk away when it seemed like Regulus didn't want to talk, but he stayed this time. "My hair… my name. Being called… girly things." Regulus looked down, but Sirius didn't speak so he continued. "I don't hate you and Remus, I just… I want that kind of relationship, but it doesn't feel like I can, you know? Not in the way I want to. I think I don't want to be a girl… or maybe it would've been better if I was a boy."
"You can be."
Regulus shook his head. "I can't."
Sirius waited a moment before walking over and sitting on the bed as well. "Look, I'm only going to tell you this, because Remus said he'd be okay with it, but he's trans too."
"Trans?"
"In yours and Remus' case, it means you were born a girl but are actually a boy."
Regulus pondered over that. "But Remus looks like a boy."
"Yeah, well," Sirius straightened his back. "Remus takes hormones, which made him go through male puberty, which is why he looks that way."
Regulus felt a thrill go through him; the same one he had felt when he ran away from home and Sirius took him in. It felt daring and scary but right. "And I can look like a boy too?" He felt silly for asking but couldn't help it; Sirius had just handed him the best thing in the world.
"If that's what you want." Sirius dared move closer and put his hands on Regulus' shoulders. "Is there anything you want to change right now? Do you have a name in mind?"
Yes. He had thought about it practically his whole life. "Regulus."
Sirius nodded proudly. "It's a very good name." He was silent for just a moment. "This is perfect, actually."
Regulus narrowed his eyes. "What is?"
"Oh don't look at me like that, I can have good ideas," he rolled his eyes, but continued nonetheless. "The way I see it, your old self is dead. If you begin taking hormones, cut your hair and change your name, it would be as if you were an entirely different person. One who isn't a former Death Eater or has a complicated past." Sirius made an idiotic face at Regulus, the one he always did at James before they did something stupid. Regulus had grown quite fond of stupid.
"The heiress is dead," he agreed. "And I'm not her."
"Exactly." Sirius squeezed Regulus' shoulder, and he swore he could feel warmth spreading through his body. "You're my brother."
A weight fell off his shoulders. Regulus did realize there was a long way to go before he could truly be himself, but Sirius made that thought much easier to bear.