A/N: Wow, this week's episode was major. I have to say I'm a bit surprised by the ending. That being said, I have always loved Maggie's character and I think I do even more so now. To me, this episode just proved that she's flawed and makes mistakes. I love being able to relate to a character, and I think Maggie Bell is very relatable. I hope the next season touches more on the aftermath of this, and I was also hoping for a little more between Maggie/OA in the end, but for now, I will rely on writing my perspective and reading the ones from others. Please let me know what you think about this one!
...
Maggie stared at the results in her hand until her vision went blurry and it took her a long moment to realize the tears that were stinging her eyes had begun falling down her cheeks. She angrily wiped them away, turning to make sure no one else in the office saw her.
Erin was clean. She was clean and Maggie had just treated her like shit. She had no idea what came over her in that moment back at the ambulance, but now it was a moment she wished beyond anything she could take back.
Feeling herself on the verge of a full-fledged breakdown, Maggie discreetly surveyed who was still in the office. She hated to show weakness, hated for others to see her emotions. With that in mind she stood from her desk, shoving her chair into it, then stalked off to the breakroom.
She huffed out a breath of air as she realized it wasn't empty. OA was standing there, a steaming cup of coffee in his hand, but as he opened his mouth to speak, Maggie turned on her heel to storm off.
It was to no avail, OA had crossed the room and grabbed her wrist all in three strides. His grasp was gentle but still firm, much like earlier in the UC van, and any other time Maggie would've melted under his touch… not this time. This time she was pissed and she wanted out of there. "Let go of me, Omar."
He instantly retracted his hand, never one to disrespect any boundaries she had in place, but the look on his face was the image of utter confusion. "I'm sorry. Mags, talk to me."
Maggie couldn't explain the frustration that washed over her in that moment. "Oh, now you want to talk?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Forget it." She turned around again but OA moved more quickly, shutting the door to the break room before she could leave.
"Maggie, what is going on? I know you're upset with everything that happened with Erin and that it was a hard day, but now you're acting like you're pissed at me. Did I do something?"
"I said forget it." She ground the words out through gritted teeth, trying to grasp onto what little control she had left, and she might as well have smacked OA in the face. He slightly recoiled at her tone and she honestly couldn't blame him. It was one she only ever used with suspects and even that didn't happen too often.
"Okay, Maggie… any other day I would listen when you tell me to back off, but something is very obviously wrong and I'm not letting it go this time. Wh-"
Maggie cut him off as she yelled through a choked out sob, "You left! You fucking walked away back there! You ripped my heart out with those results and then you just left like it was nothing!"
His eyes widened at her outburst, obviously frantically trying to process her words, and if this would've been any other day, Maggie would've instantly regretted yelling at him… but it wasn't and today, everything was setting her off. It was a small thing really, one she shouldn't have even thought twice about. He had handed her Erin's drug test results, told her she was clean, then turned and walked away.
It was harmless, but Maggie's emotions were in overdrive and truthfully, she was afraid of what she saw in his expression… disappointment. He didn't hear the last conversation she had with Erin but he did hear her in the van earlier. He heard her arguing with her about the cocaine and the fact that she didn't believe she was clean. Even then her words to her younger sister had been pretty harsh.
Maggie had never heard OA speak to his family like that. Granted, the situations weren't the same but still… she knew he wasn't all that pleased with how she handled today. The fact that he may be disappointed in her… well, that felt like a stab wound to the chest. She could deal with him being mad or disagreeing with her but she never wanted to disappoint him.
She shouldn't be focused on this, not when she needed to make things right with her sister but in the back of her mind she knew this was just her own tactic at trying to avoid that subject for as long as she could… or maybe OA's reaction had been her breaking point for the day.
Now, standing in the small break room, the walls felt like they were closing in on her. She couldn't control the sobs that escaped from her throat as she finally lost it.
OA was in front of within a second, his arms wrapping around her and pulling her into his chest. She fought him, trying to push her way out of his grasp, but OA wasn't letting her go this time. "Maggie, stop fighting, please. Just let it out, I'm right here." His voice was so obviously filled with desperation.
She pushed at his chest again but it was a much weaker attempt as her emotions finally got the best of her. She cried, the hot tears streaming down her face as her words to Erin echoed in her mind. She didn't know if she was crying harder for Erin, OA or herself but either way the sobs were wracking her body to the point where she couldn't take in a deep breath.
She eventually settled into OA's embrace, his warmth a comfort that she needed more than anything right now.
He tightened his hold on her and his own emotion could be heard as he whispered reassurances in her ear. "Just breathe, Mags. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have left you. I'm right here, I promise. It's okay." He kept one arm securely around her waist while the other came up her back so he could stroke his hand over her hair.
Maggie desperately wanted to believe him, but she didn't think anything was okay.
She wasn't sure how long they stood there. It could have been hours for all she knew, but in reality it was probably only a few minutes. It took her a while to calm down but once she did, exhaustion had completely taken over her body and she knew she wouldn't still be standing if OA wasn't there to support her weight.
As if sensing her train of thought, OA led them over to the table in the middle of the room and sat Maggie down in one of the chairs. He crouched down in front of her, reaching up to wipe some of the tears from her face.
This was the first time since he hugged her that Maggie met his eyes, as she was too ashamed to do it earlier, and still was ashamed if she was being honest… but when she finally had the courage to search his expression, she was surprised to find that it probably mirrored hers pretty closely.
Though his hadn't spilled over like hers, he had tears of his own welled up in his eyes and she knew him well enough to know she wasn't the only one feeling shame right now. The only difference, he had no actual reason for that shame.
Maggie shouldn't have gone off on him like she did, but that seemed to be the only thing she had been good at today. She didn't blame OA for walking away. Truthfully, she thought he should walk away from her now. She didn't deserve his love or his patience. She never really thought she did, but especially not after today. She screwed up, royally screwed up, and there was no one to blame but herself.
"I'm sorry." It came out as a broken whisper, yet she knew it didn't even come close to the apology he deserved, or the one that Erin deserved.
Unlike usual, this time he didn't even try to tell her that there was nothing to apologize for, no reason to be sorry. He just nodded, "I know." She was grateful for that because she knew she was in the wrong. There was a lot he probably should say to her. She needed to be cut down a time or two… or really a lot more than that, but he had never done that to her before. He had too kind of a heart for that, even when she deserved in return the same harshness she dished out to everyone else.
She had no idea how to begin to make things right with Erin, wasn't even sure if she could but it wasn't going to happen with her hiding out in the break room. She stood from the chair on shaky legs, pulling herself from the comfort and security of OA's touch, convincing herself to face the outcome of today head on. She owed that to Erin.
"Where are you going?" He stood up from his crouched position on the floor, probably concerned as to who else she was going to go scream at.
"I need to go see Erin." Her throat was raw and getting the sentence out was a lot harder than it should've been.
She must've sounded as bad as she felt because OA reached into the fridge for a bottle of water. He handed it to her and it broke her heart just that much more… though she was surprised there was anything left to break.
"Maggie, you can't see Erin tonight. Visiting hours are over. It's almost eight-thirty."
Taking a sip of the cool water, she savored the feel of it sliding down her throat. She was surprised by the time but as she looked out the small window, it was clear the sun had almost completely set in the long while they had been in this room. She nodded, knowing she might could get in if she showed her badge but Erin probably didn't want to see her anyway. Why would she? What would Maggie even say? How would she apologize for calling her own sister an embarrassment?
"Are you ready to go home?"
Home. The one that she shared with OA more often than not ever since they crossed that line. She almost said no, thinking a long drive by herself may be therapeutic for her mind right now… but then she realized that she didn't want to be alone. She needed OA more than she needed to breathe right now and the thought of being away from him made her chest tighten.
"Yeah, please."
"Okay." He handed her his keys. "Why don't you head on down to the truck? I'll grab our stuff and meet you down there."
Even on a day like today, OA didn't lack his quality of consideration. He knew she wouldn't want the few agents that were left in the JOC to see her like this, so he offered her an out.
She took it.
She went down to the parking garage, avoiding everyone in the lobby on her way as much as possible, then slid herself into the passenger seat of OA's truck. He joined her less than five minutes later with their belongings.
The drive to the apartment was silent, the air still feeling tense. Maggie was relieved when they pulled to a stop and she was able to get out of the cramped space.
The couple went upstairs, each taking their turn stripping of their work attire and taking a shower, but to Maggie, it was just going through the motions. Her head wasn't in it at all.
She tried calling Erin's cell phone, but it went to voicemail and Maggie was almost relieved that she didn't pick up. She still had no idea what to say and figured the apology she needed to give would best be handled in person anyways.
She was exhausted and her head was pounding. She hadn't eaten anything since breakfast but with the way her stomach was churning, food was out of the question.
OA appeared to be pretty tired himself, so when she told him she was calling it an early night, he didn't hesitate to join her.
Once settled into bed, Maggie was grateful when he wrapped her in his arms and pulled her as close to his body as possible.
Her mind had been working overtime all evening, and she hadn't been sure if she would be able to get any rest, but the day's adrenaline had worn off, her breakdown draining any remaining energy, and the ecstasy of sleep was quickly starting to pull her under.
…
OA awoke from his restless sleep, immediately noting the absence of his partner who had fallen asleep in his arms just a while earlier. He felt the sheet beside of him, the coolness evidence that the space had been unoccupied for a good bit of time.
He listened for a moment, trying to hear any sign of Maggie moving around in the small apartment but everything was quiet… dark and quiet, much like the mood ever since the couple had returned home the evening before.
The clock on the bedside table read 2:46, and OA was grateful that he and Maggie were both given the day off. There was no way either of them would be functioning at a safe level if they had to go in within the next few hours.
OA got out of bed, slipping on a t-shirt as he went, then started the search for his missing partner. The rest of the apartment was just as dark as the bedroom, save for the single lamp glowing by the door. Upon further inspection, OA noticed the lack of keys on the table and shoes by the door and that told him one thing.
Knowing his girlfriend's habits by now, he put on his own shoes before grabbing the throw blanket draped across the back of the sofa… the same sofa he had been fully prepared to sleep on after arriving home the evening before.
Usually, after a particularly trying day where Maggie had a lot to sort through, time alone was one thing that helped her to clear her mind. She needed the space to think and OA always took it in stride, willing to give her that because he understood.
If it was any other time like that, OA would have offered to sleep on the couch, but given her reaction to him walking away in the JOC, he had decided no way in hell was he leaving her alone that night.
Now, he made his way downstairs and into the lobby. Mike, the doorman, gave him a nod confirming what he already knew, so he started for the outside door, spotting a familiar figure on the other side of the glass.
She was sitting on the steps, knees drawn to her chest as she wrapped her arms around herself. OA felt a small tug in his chest at the sight. He stepped outside, making sure the door closed behind him, and if she had heard she definitely didn't make any move to show it.
It was chilly outside, and everything was wet as if it had just rained. Maggie's long hair was even damp as it cascaded down her back. Her clothes had taken on a similar quality and OA could tell she was shivering, though he couldn't be sure if it was from the cold or the rain. Probably both coupled with the situation she was still reeling from.
He was still confused about Maggie's reaction earlier in the breakroom and how she was acting now. Erin had been clean but he watched Maggie's heartbreak as she read those results.
He had been around to witness Maggie arguing with her sister a few times throughout the case, even heard her accusing her of taking the drugs. At first, he had been sure the guilt of that coupled with the emotional stress of seeing her sister in so many dangerous situations had been enough to send Maggie over the edge, but now he wasn't so sure.
He never meant to hurt Maggie when he walked away from her earlier. He wasn't really even sure what made him do it… well, that was a lie. He knew the reason, he just didn't want to admit it. Not to himself and damn sure not to her.
The truth was, he hadn't been sure what to say to her. He had been a little disappointed in the way she treated Erin during the case… not really disappointed in her, just in the way she handled everything. No, he had never been disappointed in her, not in their entire five years together. They had argued about things before, not seen eye to eye on certain situations. Hell, he was sure he had disappointed her in the past, but she never did him.
Maggie had always been the person he admired and strived to be like… but she was human and she made mistakes. Yesterday was proof of that.
OA walked away from Maggie because he didn't want to say something he shouldn't. He didn't want to criticize her or judge her for her actions but he was afraid that he might have if he would've stayed.
It didn't stop him from judging her internally though, and maybe he had been a bit too harsh in that judgement. Maggie had been dealing with Erin's addiction for years, and every time she tried to believe she was clean, her heart ended up broken. She was just basing her opinion on the past.
Maybe him and her both had been too harsh.
Now, seeing her curled into herself on the steps, looking small and vulnerable, he wasn't feeling all that great about his line of thinking. He had some regrets and knew she did too.
He wordlessly sat down beside of her, unfolding the blanket and wrapping it around her shoulders. She barely reacted. That was when he finally got a good look at her face and the tear stains on her cheeks made his heart ache. Aside from that, she looked… broken. OA didn't know how else to describe it.
He kept a few inches of space between them, not sure of what she was comfortable with in the present moment, even though all he wanted to do was take her in his arms and warm her shaking body. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know." Her voice was barely above a whisper and she continued to stare straight ahead.
"Okay, we can just sit here if you want. It's up to you." He hoped she would open up to him, but he would sit with her either way for as long as she would let him.
In actuality, that doorstep had become a pretty big symbol in their relationship. OA couldn't count how many times they had found themselves out here having a late night conversation or just sitting and watching the world go by. Even when they were only friends, OA would come over just for that. It meant a lot to him and he knew it did her too.
A while later, Maggie took in a deep breath, wrapping the blanket tighter around her shoulders, and OA didn't know whether to be relieved or nervous when she finally spoke up.
"I said some things to Erin that I shouldn't have." She stopped there, not saying anything else for a few beats, and OA was stuck between letting her take her time and trying to help direct her thoughts.
He finally settled for a truth that she already realized. "I heard, Maggie. I was in the van remember?"
She shook her head. "No, you didn't hear it… not all of it."
"What do you mean?" Did he really want to know?
She took another breath. "After it was all over, I spoke to Erin before they took her in the ambulance."
He had seen them talking. He couldn't make out the words because he was a good distance away and his attention was divided between the local authorities, but the conversation looked pretty tense.
"I told her she should leave New York, that I wanted her to leave New York." Her words were so lifeless, her tone almost cold and detached. That worried OA. "I told her she embarrasses me."
That was a bit of a shock to OA's system. He never would've expected her to say something like that to her sister. "Maggie…" He found himself at a loss for words.
She hung her head and OA wasn't sure how to comfort her. A selfish part of him didn't even know if he wanted to. Why would she ever say something like that? There he had been feeling guilty about earlier but now she dropped this on him and he didn't know what to think.
That same selfish part in him wanted Maggie feel bad over how she messed up… but the bigger part in him, the one that would always love Maggie unconditionally, never wanted her to hurt. It was the part that had always placed her on a bit of a pedestal thinking she could never do anything wrong, the part that was screaming for him to say something to comfort her even if the words were empty, even if he shouldn't say them at all.
That was the thing about his relationship with Maggie… there were times in which he never knew what to say or how to proceed. It was like walking a fine line. What he wanted to say wasn't what he should, and what he should wasn't what he wanted to. Sometimes he never even knew where he stood with her. Sometimes she would let him into her mind and other times she would completely shut him out like she had at the beginning of their partnership.
He had gotten used to that and was usually able to get through to her, but she was extremely complex and whenever he would think he knew everything there was to know about her, there she would go and surprise him yet again.
He loved getting to know her many levels so most of the time it was something that he cherished, something he appreciated her opening up to him about, but this… this was something he wished he wouldn't have learned.
Erin had really tried her best yesterday and truthfully, OA thought all she was seeking was her sister's approval. Then Maggie had to go and cut her down.
"How could I have done that to her, OA? I didn't even consider her, I made it all about myself." She spat the words out, now sounding on the verge of tears, desperate, self-loathing and almost pleading, though he wasn't sure if she was pleading with him or herself.
His brain was working overtime to come up with something to say… something that would help ease her mind and the situation, rather than make it worse and cause even more regrets. Then again, maybe that was the position Maggie had been put in earlier, but in her case, she chose the latter.
"Maggie… emotions were running high. You had been scared for her all day. Past experience was clouding your judgement."
"No, stop. You're just making excuses for me. I don't deserve that. I want you to be honest with me, tell me how badly I screwed up."
He sighed out her name, then decided she was right. It was time to get honest and stop making the excuses for her that he wanted to believe in his own mind. "Fine. You did screw up. That was a terrible thing to say. Erin's not perfect… but here's the thing, Maggie… you're not perfect either, no matter how hard you try to be. You've made mistakes, some that may take a long time to fix, and you're going to again. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, or if I even should right now. I can't tell you how to handle this or how to make it right. It's not going to be easy, but that's something you're going to have to figure out yourself… and that can only be done after facing the cold, hard fact that you are the one who is wrong in this case."
At first Maggie looked a little surprised by OA's comments, but then she just nodded as if she was accepting everything he was saying. He wondered briefly if he had crossed that line that he hadn't wanted to, said something he shouldn't have, but then he realized no, she needed to hear that.
If she made everything about herself yesterday, then right now she needed to hear the truth about herself. She always appreciated honesty, so there it was.
"What if I went too far, and I can't make it right?"
OA hoped that wasn't true, but that was between Maggie and Erin to figure out. "Then that's a mistake you're going to have to live with."
Again they sat in silence, a soft rain beginning to fall once more. OA barely felt it hitting his skin as he was too absorbed in what had just transpired. He glanced over at Maggie occasionally, the rain washing away her tear stains.
His heart broke for her. Even though everything he said was true, and she needed the harsh reality check, he still hated that she was dealing with this. Maybe she had brought some of it on herself because this time, it was her in the wrong rather than Erin, but he never wanted her to be in pain. He couldn't ease it this time, but that didn't mean that he wanted it to be that way.
"Why are you here?"
OA froze, waiting for Maggie to elaborate.
"Why are you with me, I mean? When you walked away yesterday, I guess that made me think that one day maybe you'll do that for real. Not just physically, but I mean from our relationship. I know that you should, you would be better off. I always end up hurting the people closest to me. It seems to be inevitable. I don't want to hurt you, but I know I already have. You deserve so much better, but here you are, always showing me love and patience. I don't understand why you put up with my shit."
While it most definitely was a complicated relationship, OA couldn't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. Maggie was the one for him, even though she didn't realize that… even though she always doubted her worth… even though they sometimes ended up hurting each other.
"Maggie, no matter what you said or didn't say yesterday, that doesn't change how I feel about you. I love you, and it kills me thinking that you don't understand why I do, or that I would even consider walking away. I'm not going anywhere. You're my partner in every sense of the word. Nothing is ever going to change that."
Maggie gave him a small, sad and watery smile, one that didn't come close to reaching her eyes. "Thank you."
What for? Well, that was a heavy question. Maybe it was for the late night/early morning reality check, or for the love he always gave her even when he found her at her worst…
… or maybe it was for not walking away, even when they both knew he should.