His father used to tell him he must be a gentleman. A perfect gentleman. His father didn't care if his sons enjoyed cricket or hunting, if they were the smartest boy in the room or the dumbest. He didn't care as long as they tried in everything they did and conducted themselves as gentlemen.

Never speak out of turn

Always rise when a lady rises

Always be polite and courtesy

No running anywhere under any circumstance short of the house burning down

especially when with company.

Honestly Anthony could go on all day of all the things his father and mother had instilled in him since before he could remember. But when his father had died and he became the Viscount he had learned a new set of rules, one that often came into conflict with what his father had taught him.

You must be clever, someone will always try to pull one over on you. You must be

clever.

You have power, rank, status, title, land and money. Never forget and you must use it.

Men lie but women lie. They are far better at you must keep your wilts

The family comes first. Above all else.

Money creates many problems but losing it creates many more.

That is what experience had taught him, his solicitor, his father's estate manger and the one he hired and then fired after that. It felt like there they were alway sitting on his shoulder and angel and devil. His father and his advisor, telling him polar opposite things. This last year it seemed he could hear his father more and more, and more and more, it was disapproval his father was admonishing him for. First it was the business with Daphne and the engagement to that bastard Berbrooke. He had felt everyone's disapproval including his dead father over that mess and they had been right. Then it had been with Simon and Daphne he couldn't help but feel that if he turned around he would have caught his father shaking his head sadly at him. But all of that had sorted itself out and Anthony would admit he did learn a thing or two from it.

More recently however, those feelings were back. He could feel it when he danced with and interviewed the debutantes and when he brushed his mother and siblings aside. That was the first thing that drew him towards Kate. When he had spoken to her that day in the park the father and solicitor on his shoulders had disappeared. The world was quiet and it was only them even for that brief instant before she had galloped off and the noise had come rushing back at him as strong as ever. He had relished in her in her presence ever since maybe he was why he had gravitated towards her. Either way it was the reason he and Kate were in this mess. It was his fault she was hurt. He was the reason she had gone riding in the rain to clear her head. He knew it because it was exactly what he would have done. They were too much alike kindred spirits he's heard it called.

There was a knock on his office door that cuts through the angel and devil's constant chatter as he looks over invoices. "I'll join the family in the drawing room momentarily." Anthony said not looking up as the door opened.

"Anthony." His mother said it barely above a whisper.

Instantly his world silences. He looked up and just knew it was about Kate. "Is she awake?" he manages to ask as all he can hear now is the pounding of his heart beat.

His mother nods. " heard from one of the maids." she confirms.

All the air that had seemlying been stuck in his chest suddenly rushed out of his lungs and he suddenly felt light headed with relief. And then he was overwhelmed by the wave of emotions that filled the space the air had left. He pressed his finger to his forehead trying to hold himself together.

He wasn't aware his mother had sat down beside him until she spoke softly. "It is… unthinkable." she was saying. "Finding someone who you love." Anthony could barely hear her over the mantra he was repeating in his head over and over again. She was awake. "I'm so sorry… you were with your father….I'm so sorry."

He really couldn't believe she was apologizing for this after all these years. To be perfectly honest he didn't want to hear right now. All he could think about was the new angel and devil on his shoulders, himself and himself. He wanted to go to Kate he had since the moment he left her a week ago but his other voice had been stronger and he had said away. Now it was the voice that wanted to see her was louder, practically deafening but his old self, his scared self was still there. "I do not think I can see her." Anthony told his mother trying to keep his tears out of his voice.

"Losing Edmund was the most difficult time of my life and the pain that I felt…" His mother shook her head. " But I would still choose the life I had with him each and every time. Because real true love is worth it."

There was some much conviction in her words Anthony could hear it it was all he could hear as the voices on his shoulder got louder and louder.

"Don't lose her Anthony."

But how could he not lose her. He had been awful to her and to her family. He had not been a gentleman. He had not been polite and kind to her or her sister. He had not been agreeable instead he had chosen to argue with her at every turn and he had run after her every chance he got despite himself. And that was to say nothing of the liberties he had taken. No he had not been the gentleman his father had raised him, wanted him, hoped for him to be.

He had also not been clever, or quick witted as his solicitor warned him to be. No instead he got himself tangled and caught up in between two sisters in what could have been the scandal of the season. He had lied to himself, to his family, to Kate's family and to Kate. And Kate had lied too. He had forgotten himself. Forgotten his family, his rank, his title, his duty. What did he possibly have that was deserving of her.

At the Fleatherington ball he had to deal with the voices in his head. He had more sensed her than seen her when she entered. His heart rate has skyrocketed and his chest had felt tight. What was worse was that she so often found his eyes too. He wanted nothing more than to go to her. Next to her was the only place he felt like he knew how to be.. Anything really. The rest of the time he didn't know how to be a Viscount or a big brother/father figure to his siblings, with Kate he just knew how to be him. Inevitably he was drawn to her.

"Lord Bridgerton." She said in a careful evenness.

"Miss Sharma." He replied in a breath. Kate watched him after all he had come up to her. He opened his mouth to say something. That he was glad to see was alright, that he was happy to see her, that he had missed her, that he was sorry. But all he could say was. "I was just on my way out." The way she looked at him pierced his very being. He was sweating now and he wanted to run– the cowardly voice told him to run. "We should keep our distance." He said to her, glancing around.

He was about to step away to run when her voice froze him in place. "Perhaps we should not. Perhaps the spectator will take pity on me, just days after a head injury." She was giving him an olive branch a chance. "Perhaps you were the first person I found." His world was silent except for her voice now. He smiled in spite of himself. He stepped forward as a proper gentleman would not, and raised his fingers. "How many?" he asked gently.

"Three." She said her own grin playing on her lips.

He turned his hand around to show four fingers instead of three. She gave him a sarcastic roll of her eyes as he gave her a playful disappointed look. He stared at her then he could hear the voices again. His solicitor reminding him of his money and power, his father reminding him to be a gentleman and his braver self telling him that he loves her and he wants her. His cowardly self is all but a whisper who disappears at Kate's next words. "Are you going to ask me to dance?"

"Are you going to say yes?" he breaths. She offers her hand and he takes it. They start to dance and it's like his world just clicks when he looks at her. Other couples stop stepping off the floor.

"Do you want to stop?" She asks him, agitation presents her voice.

"No," he says too quickly. "Just keep looking at me, nothing else matters." she nods and they continue because it's true nothing else matters. His solicitor was right, he had money power and a title. His father was right he should be a gentleman and do right by her and his brave self was right he did love Kate more than he could describe and it didn't matter if she lived a million miles away or she god forbid dropped dead both would be equally as bad and now his cowardly self agreed that losing her was far far scarier than loving her and being ridiculed by the ton.