Title: "Nature's Call"
FADE IN:
INT. THE BRIDGE OF THE ENTERPRISE - DAY
Captain Picard stands at the center of the bridge, watching the viewscreen with intensity as the Romulan ships come into view.
PICARD:
Red alert! Shields up! Ensign, set course for the Romulan vessels!
The crew scrambles into action, working quickly to respond to the imminent threat.
RIKER:
(whispering to himself)
Come on, come on.
Picard looks over at Riker, who is standing at the back of the bridge with his legs crossed tightly.
PICARD:
Number One, is there something you need?
RIKER:
(through gritted teeth)
Uh, no sir. I'm good.
PICARD:
Good. We're going into battle, and we can't afford any distractions.
RIKER:
(nodding frantically)
Right, of course.
As the battle begins, Riker starts to squirm uncomfortably.
RIKER:
(to himself)
Why did I have that second cup of coffee this morning?
The battle is intense, and Riker can feel his situation getting more and more urgent.
RIKER:
(whispering to himself)
Come on, come on, come on.
PICARD:
Mr. Riker, are you sure you're okay?
RIKER:
(sweating profusely)
Yes sir, I'm fine.
Suddenly, there is a loud explosion on the ship.
PICARD:
Report!
ENSIGN:
The Romulans have destroyed all the toilets on Deck 7!
RIKER:
(panic-stricken)
Captain, I really need to use the bathroom!
PICARD:
(tightly)
We're in the middle of a battle, Number One. You'll have to hold it.
RIKER:
But sir, I don't know if I can...
PICARD:
That's an order, Commander.
Riker looks around desperately, trying to find a way out of his predicament.
RIKER:
I can't wait that long, sir. I need to find a way to relieve myself.
Without waiting for a response, Riker runs off the bridge.
Act Two:
INT. USS ENTERPRISE - CORRIDOR
Riker rushes down the corridor, desperately looking for a restroom. He passes by several crew members, but he's too focused on finding a bathroom to stop and chat.
RIKER:
(to himself)
Come on, where is it?
He finally arrives at the restroom only to find that it has been destroyed by a Romulan attack.
RIKER
(to himself)
This can't be happening.
He stops at a wall console and asks the computer to find a usable toilet.
RIKER
(to the computer)
Computer, locate the nearest operational bathroom.
COMPUTER
(Voice only)
There are no operational bathrooms on the ship.
RIKER
(desperately)
What am I supposed to do?
Act Three:
INT. ENGINEERING - USS ENTERPRISE-D
Commander William Riker frantically bursts into Engineering, looking around for Geordi La Forge.
RIKER:
Geordi, we need to talk.
Before Geordi can respond, the ship gets hit, and the room shakes violently.
GEORDI:
(shouting)
We're taking heavy damage! I need to fix the warp core before it goes critical!
RIKER:
(pacing anxiously)
I understand that, Geordi, but I really need your help right now. All the toilets on the ship are destroyed, and I need to use one urgently.
GEORDI:
(exasperated)
Riker, can't you see we're in the middle of a Romulan attack? I can't spare any personnel or resources right now.
RIKER:
(angered)
I don't care about the Romulan attack right now, Geordi! I need a toilet, and I need it right away. You're an engineer, figure something out!
GEORDI:
(shaking his head)
I can't believe you're even asking me that right now, Riker. Our ship is being attacked, and you're worried about a toilet?
Just then, Picard's voice interrupts them over the comm system.
PICARD:
Riker, where are you? We need you on the bridge immediately.
RIKER:
(panicking)
I'll be there in a moment, Captain! Just...just give me a minute!
Geordi looks at Riker, exasperated.
GEORDI:
We don't have a minute, Riker. We're in the middle of a battle here!
But Riker doesn't listen. He turns and runs out of Engineering, leaving Geordi and the rest of the engineering crew to deal with the damage caused by the Romulan attack.
GEORDI:
(shaking his head)
Some people just don't understand priorities.
Act Four:
INT. USS ENTERPRISE - SHUTTLE BAY
Desperate for relief, Riker heads to the shuttle bay and steals a small shuttlecraft.
RIKER:
Computer, locate the nearest planet with a suitable environment for human waste disposal.
COMPUTER:
There is a Class M planet approximately 20 light years away.
RIKER:
Set course for that planet.
As Riker approaches the planet, he begins to feel relieved.
RIKER:
(to himself)
I can't hold it any longer. It's time to answer nature's call.
Act Five:
EXT. PLANET - FOREST
The shuttlecraft lands in a dense forest. Riker disembarks and takes a deep breath of the fresh, outdoor air.
RIKER:
(to himself)
Ah, that's better.
He heads off into the woods, looking for a private spot to do his business.
Act Six:
EXT. FOREST
Finally, Riker spots a secluded area behind some bushes and rushes over. Just as he starts to take care of business, a group of Klingons appear out of nowhere.
KLINGON 1:
(laughing)
Look at this pathetic human. He can't even find a toilet.
KLINGON 2:
(mocking)
Perhaps he is too weak to hold it in.
Riker stands up, visibly angry at the Klingons' mockery.
RIKER:
(defiantly)
I am Commander Riker of the USS Enterprise. I won't tolerate your insults.
KLINGON 3:
(smirking)
The great Commander Riker, reduced to taking a dump in the bushes.
The Klingons burst into laughter, which only serves to infuriate Riker even more. But instead of lashing out, he calmly finishes what he was doing and stands up.
RIKER:
(calmly)
I have more important things to do than waste my time with you.
Without another word, Riker turns and walks away, leaving the Klingons still laughing in his wake. He takes off in the shuttle craft and flies back up to the Enterprise.
Act Seven:
INT. SHUTTLE BAY - USS ENTERPRISE-D
Commander William Riker returns to the Enterprise in a stolen shuttlecraft, looking disheveled and exhausted. As he lands the shuttle, security personnel swarm him and quickly arrest him.
SECURITY OFFICER:
You're under arrest for stealing a shuttlecraft, Commander Riker.
RIKER:
(defeated)
I know, I'm sorry. But I really had to go.
The security officers escort Riker to the brig, where he is placed in a holding cell.
Act Eight:
INT. HOLDING CELL
Riker is sitting in a holding cell, looking relaxed and relieved.
Captain Picard enters the holding cell, looking stern and disappointed.
PICARD:
Riker, I don't know what to say. You not only stole a shuttlecraft, but you abandoned your post in the middle of a battle. That is a serious breach of protocol.
RIKER:
(defeated)
I know, Captain. I'm sorry. I just couldn't hold it any longer.
PICARD:
(sighing)
I understand that, Riker, but there were other options. You put the ship and our crew at risk.
RIKER:
(smiling)
Yes, sir. But I had to do it.
PICARD:
(looking at him incredulously)
Why? What could possibly be so important?
RIKER:
(pointing down to his crotch)
This.
Picard just shakes his head and walks away.
FADE TO BLACK.