NOTE: When I started writing this, it was set in post-canon novel timeline (because… well… I needed everyone to be alive), but as I added more humor it kept swerving into drama territory, so it ended up as some kind of novel-drama fusion. I ultimately changed most of the names and references to drama versions (e.g. Envoy instead of Ghost Slayer), but if you squint you can still see bits of the novel. It should make sense regardless of which version you're familiar with, though!
I'm trying out using English salutations instead of Romanized Chinese ones (e.g. Teacher Shen instead of Shen-laoshi), but I'm not sure if I like it. If you prefer reading one format or the other, you can let me know in the comments. (I left Lao/Xiao alone because I couldn't think of a good English replacement.)
Also, since FFN is terrible at formatting, please note that this story can also be read on AO3 under the same title and author name.
Group Therapy
Zhao Yunlan stood before the door, one hand raised. A drop of rainwater slithered into his sleeve and crept toward his elbow, but he remained as he was. It had taken him long minutes of wrestling with his pride to reach this point, and in the end he'd only permitted himself to approach the door in the hope that the act of knocking might be taken as a gesture of consideration for Shen Wei's emotional state, rather than a practical necessity because Zhao Yunlan had stormed out without his keys. Again.
From the hip pocket of his jeans came the quiet buzz of his mobile phone. Zhao Yunlan ignored it, as he had every other time it had vibrated during his damp walk around the block. He wasn't in the mood to communicate with anyone, and if the messages were from Shen Wei, he didn't want to start the clock ticking with a "message read" flag until he was ready. Besides, it was nearly impossible to have a productive conversation with Shen Wei via text message, considering how he still struggled to pick out letters on the virtual keyboard of the smartphone Zhao Yunlan had bought him. It was always more efficient to find him and speak face-to-face than to rely on any kind of technology as a go-between.
But speaking face-to-face required opening the door, and opening the door required knocking, and knocking required Zhao Yunlan to swallow his pride and move his hand, which seemed to have frozen in place.
A drop of rain invaded his collar, tracing an icy line down the back of his neck. He gritted his teeth and rapped his knuckles against the door.
It took only seconds for the door to swing inward, barely enough time for Zhao Yunlan to shove his hands into the pockets of his damp jacket as though he'd casually sauntered up just at that moment, and hadn't been standing there paralyzed with indecision for who knew how long. He blinked at the Shen Wei-shaped silhouette in the rectangle of warm light and regretted not planning what to say in advance. "Uh. Hey."
The rigid line of Shen Wei's shoulders softened a little, and he stepped back. "Come inside."
Zhao Yunlan did as he was bidden, pausing inside the door to toe off his shoes. Normally he left them wherever they fell, but this time he nudged them into line beside Shen Wei's patent Oxfords—a gesture of sincerity, as was any attempt by Zhao Yunlan to keep their living space slightly neater.
Shen Wei watched him do so, and Zhao Yunlan thought his posture loosened slightly—a good sign. The mobile phone in his hip pocket vibrated again, but he could see Shen Wei's empty hands, so the notifications must be something else. Just as well; he'd rather clear this up in person, and not have to redouble his stress by reading over unhappy messages from Shen Wei the next time he looked at his phone.
He'd hoped Shen Wei might make the opening sally, but the silence was beginning to drag on, and there was a limit to how long Zhao Yunlan could stall for time arranging his shoes. After several seconds, he turned and said, "Shen Wei—" just as Shen Wei opened with, "Zhao Yunlan—"
They both drew up short, blinking at each other. Then they let out simultaneous gasps of laughter, easing some of the tension. Shen Wei inclined his head minutely, giving Zhao Yunlan priority. "I'm sorry," Zhao Yunlan said quickly.
Shen Wei met his eyes and swallowed. "So am I."
"I didn't mean—well, any of it, really. I was out of line. I shouldn't have said what I did."
Shen Wei shook his head. "I knew you were upset. I shouldn't have pushed you."
"I shouldn't have gotten angry in the first place."
There was a moment's hesitation before Shen Wei replied, "To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure what we were fighting about."
Zhao Yunlan let out a wry laugh. "I don't remember, either. Whatever it was, it was probably my fault. I'm sorry. I'm always messing up."
"You aren't," Shen Wei hastened to assure him. "I'm sure we were equally to blame in this."
Zhao Yunlan's pocket buzzed again, but he scarcely noticed amid the surge of relief at Shen Wei's return to his usual equanimity. "Well, there's no point carrying on being mad if we don't even know why we were. If we've already forgotten, it seems like we might as well forgive, too…?" His teeth caught at his lower lip, and he cast a hopeful glance at Shen Wei.
Shen Wei's face relaxed into a gentle smile. "I already have, Yunlan."
Emotion constricted Zhao Yunlan's throat. "Xiao Wei…"
They moved simultaneously, somehow ending up wrapped in each other's arms. Zhao Yunlan leaned into the embrace and squeezed Shen Wei like a lifebuoy. "I missed you," he murmured into Shen Wei's shoulder.
Shen Wei took a shuddering breath, as though fighting tears. "I missed you, too." He ran a hand over Zhao Yunlan's damp hair, then drew back and took in the rain-spattered jacket. "You're soaked through. Take off your wet things. I'll get you a towel."
Zhao Yunlan already missed Shen Wei's warmth, but obediently unzipped his jacket. The phone vibrated again, and he groaned at what seemed like the millionth interruption. "Seriously, what gives? Someone has the worst timing…"
Shen Wei paused en route to the bathroom. "What is it?"
Zhao Yunlan reached into his pocket for the device. "Ah, it's probably nothing. My phone has been blowing up ever since…" He trailed off as he stared at the screen.
Shen Wei's brow furrowed. "Yunlan? Is something wrong?"
The blood had drained from Zhao Yunlan's face, but as he swiped a trembling thumb over the screen, it returned in force, until his cheeks were flushed nearly purple. A long intake of breath was followed by a window-shaking roar: "DA QING!"
An instant later, a black furry streak bolted from beneath the bed and vanished through an open window, displaying astonishing agility for an animal so plump.
SID GROUP CHAT
KingOfCats | UGH, here we go again Start the timer and place your bets…
UnderappreciatedGenius | Whaaaat?
ChuGrrr | we're starting a new betting pool already?
KingOfCats | Yup. Lao Zhao just stormed out and slammed the door
CivilSerpent | Again? Didn't this just happen on Tuesday?
KingOfCats | It sure did. Bigger door slam this time, though
CivilSerpent | What in Haixing is going on between those two?
KingOfCats | Beats me, I don't pay attention to their conversations unless they're talking about food
GuoChangCheng | Oh, dear. Is it normal for couples to fight this often?
KingOfCats | I don't think "normal" applies to those two under any circumstances
KingOfCats | And even aside from the whole inter-species and maybe-altered-by-powers-beyond-our-understanding thing, it's a lot to assume that either of them knows how to behave properly
CivilSerpent | Doesn't Shen Wei behave rather well most of the time? He doesn't strike me as the fighting sort
KingOfCats | Sure, if you mean being generally polite, but Lao Zhao has a tendency to escalate beyond basic politeness. And if you consider that the Black Cloaked Envoy's usual approach to conflict resolution involves large sharp objects, you may begin to see the problem
CivilSerpent | He pulled a weapon on Lao Zhao?!
KingOfCats | No, he would never actually hurt Lao Zhao. I just mean he's not used to keeping his cool when there's shouting b/c that usually means impending violence
XiaoGuoGuo | That sounds terrible! Don't they try to talk it out first?
XiaoGuoGuo | Aah, what happened to my screen name? Did someone change it?
UnderappreciatedGenius | Hmm, it is a mystery 😇
KingOfCats | To be fair, they probably haven't had much practice with healthy domestic interactions. Lao Zhao had a crummy father and Teacher Shen had an evil brother and I don't think either one of them has ever been in a serious relationship before
ChuGrrr | wait, lao zhao has definitely dated people before. he even brought that annoying fashion model around once, remember?
KingOfCats | Yeah, but until Teacher Shen, his longest relationship record was 15 days, and I'd hesitate to label any of them as serious
CivilSerpent | I'm guessing the Envoy probably didn't have opportunity to date much, either
UnderappreciatedGenius | Is that right, Lao Chu?
ChuGrrr | you know I don't discuss such personal matters with Lord Envoy, and even if I did I wouldn't tell you lot, so why bother asking?
UnderappreciatedGenius | That means yes 😏
XiaoGuoGuo | Still, it seems like things aren't going well with them if they've had two big fights in such a short time :(
KingOfCats | It's been a rough week. For all of us.
UnderappreciatedGenius | Yeah, I bet you've been miserable 😏
KingOfCats | I HAVE. They got so busy "making up" on Tuesday they forgot to feed me dinner! I almost DIED.
UnderappreciatedGenius | Oh, so that's why you showed up at my window begging for scraps…
KingOfCats | It was AWFUL. Eating those discount cup noodles of yours, after weeks of Teacher Shen's gourmet cooking 😭
UnderappreciatedGenius | Look, you want better food, convince the chief to give me a raise
CivilSerpent | A raise? You'd be lucky just to get your bonus for once 😂😂😂
UnderappreciatedGenius | Yeah, yeah, everyone laugh at my misfortune. So what's the big blowup about this time, anyway?
KingOfCats | Who knows? Humans and their weird emotions don't make any sense to me. Do they even need a reason? Hormones or whatever I guess
UnderappreciatedGenius | Right, because cats don't have hormones. OH WAIT
CivilSerpent | You do know that only one of them is human, right?
ChuGrrr | is he? does lao zhao still qualify as one, after everything that happened?
UnderappreciatedGenius | Did he ever qualify as one? I've never seen a full paycheck in my entire term with the SID. The man is utterly devoid of human sympathy
CivilSerpent | Eh, learn to live an ascetic life. Like a monk 😏
UnderappreciatedGenius | Amitabha ✋
ChuGrrr | …don't give up your day job, kid
CivilSerpent | Do you want to tell him, or should I? 😂
XiaoGuoGuo | :) :(
UnderappreciatedGenius | …Well, which is it, Xiao Guo?
XiaoGuoGuo | I'm trying to figure out why your messages all get little faces and mine don't
ChuGrrr | open the emoji menu, changcheng
XiaoGuoGuo | Where is it?
ChuGrrr | the button with the little yellow face
XiaoGuoGuo | Oh! Thank you, Chu-ge 😊👍😁🎉😄
UnderappreciatedGenius | Oh no, he's found the smileys, now we'll be emoted to death ️ ️ ️
ChuGrrr | so are we betting or not? if we wait too long, it'll be over before we even get the pool funded
XiaoGuoGuo | Wait, what are we betting on, exactly?
UnderappreciatedGenius | How long it takes them to get over the fight. I give it 30 minutes.
CivilSerpent | Hmm, can Lao Zhao do a lap all the way around the neighborhood in 30 min? I think maybe an hour to fully cool off. He can hold a grudge a long time, even if it is Shen Wei
ChuGrrr | he'll be back in time for his next meal
UnderappreciatedGenius | Yeah, nobody misses out on Shen Wei's cooking
CivilSerpent | Except Da Qing on Tuesdays
KingOfCats | Get bent, snake 🐾
CivilSerpent | What's with the paws?
KingOfCats | it's a rude gesture in cat
CivilSerpent | oh, yeah? well 🐍 right back atcha
UnderappreciatedGenius | GUYS. Any other bets? Some of us didn't get a bonus last month and could use the winnings
ChuGrrr | da qing shouldn't be allowed to bet, he's got an unfair advantage since he saw the actual fight
UnderappreciatedGenius | Yeah, spill the tea, vice-chief. How bad was it?
KingOfCats | Hmm, Lao Zhao seemed pretty mad…
UnderappreciatedGenius | Really? I'm raising my bet to 2 hours then
KingOfCats | I predict… 12 minutes. 15 at the very outside
CivilSerpent | What? You just said he was really mad!
KingOfCats | Yeah, that's why it's all the way up into double digits. Otherwise I'd give it like 5
UnderappreciatedGenius | What about Professor Shen? How's he handling it?
KingOfCats | he's very upset
UnderappreciatedGenius | Seriously?
KingOfCats | There are a couple of dirty dishes in the sink
UnderappreciatedGenius | so?
KingOfCats | and he ISN'T WASHING THEM
UnderappreciatedGenius | …is that supposed to mean something?
KingOfCats | Yes. It clearly means you do not know Teacher Shen as I do
UnderappreciatedGenius | how would I? I don't live with him
KingOfCats | well, take it from someone who does, dirty dishes are NOT tolerated in this house
UnderappreciatedGenius | from the way you talk, that's about the only dirty thing that isn't on the menu 😏
KingOfCats | ugh, you're not wrong 😑 it's like living with a pair of rabbits
XiaoGuoGuo | Rabbits? I don't understand
UnderappreciatedGenius | we'll explain when you're older, son
XiaoGuoGuo | ?
UnderappreciatedGenius | 🐰 + 🐰 = 🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰
CivilSerpent | Can we please discontinue this avenue of discussion, there are some things I'd really rather not dwell on
CivilSerpent | But you do raise a good point. We need to consider their tolerance for separation to make an accurate time estimate. What's the longest anyone has ever seen Zhao Yunlan keep his hands to himself around Shen Wei?
ChuGrrr | i think the in-office record is 8 minutes, unless you count that time he was really mad after shen wei tried to mess with his memory. that was like two whole weeks
UnderappreciatedGenius | Yeah, and we're the ones who suffered 😑 like seriously, I get that it's your memory and all, but have mercy
KingOfCats | THAT REACTION WAS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED 😾
UnderappreciatedGenius | seriously, I get that it's your memory and all, but have mercy
KingOfCats | you already said that
UnderappreciatedGenius | Yeah, I thought you might have forgotten, with all your memory issues 😏
KingOfCats | I WILL CLAW YOUR EYES OUT
UnderappreciatedGenius | oh no. someone save me. the obese cat is threatening me. If only this useless plate of dried fish could somehow defend me.
KingOfCats | You'd better pay up tomorrow 🐟🐟🐟 or I'll leave a kitty surprise in your shoe
CivilSerpent | um. Ew? Can we please not go there?
KingOfCats | what, you don't approve of dead mice? isn't that the sort of thing snakes eat?
ChuGrrr | have we given up on betting? what's the buy-in, anyway?
CivilSerpent | Price of lunch, usually. Though I'm willing to raise the stakes
UnderappreciatedGenius | I can't afford to raise the stakes, Lao Zhao cut my bonus again 😭
CivilSerpent | And this is different from every other month… how, exactly?
XiaoGuoGuo | So how does this game work? do we just guess how long it will be before Chief Zhao comes back?
ChuGrrr | pretty much, unless we want to call it when they actually make up after the fight
XiaoGuoGuo | How will we know when that happens?
UnderappreciatedGenius | Because they'll… you know. 😏
XiaoGuoGuo | What?
UnderappreciatedGenius | ❌❌❌
XiaoGuoGuo | What do three Xs mean?
KingOfCats | …
UnderappreciatedGenius | …
CivilSerpent | …
XiaoGuoGuo | Do I have to guess? is that part of the game?
CivilSerpent | I'm starting to see how that whole mistake with ordering the inflatable doll occurred
KingOfCats | GUYSSSSS
UnderappreciatedGenius | what?
KingOfCats | THEY DIDN'T EVEN MAKE IT TEN MINUTES
ChuGrrr | no way
CivilSerpent | You've got to be kidding. What's the point of getting mad and storming out of the house if you don't even stay gone long enough to be missed?
KingOfCats | Lao Zhao is standing in the doorway looking all sad and contrite
XiaoGuoGuo | What about Professor Shen?
KingOfCats | I think he may be crying. It's hard to tell, his back is to me
CivilSerpent | oh my I guess it must have been serious after all
UnderappreciatedGenius | wait, so does that mean we all lose the bet? even Da Qing overshot by a few minutes
XiaoGuoGuo | I feel bad for them. Are they going to be okay? Should I come over? Sometimes it helps to talk through things with someone
KingOfCats | What? NO, do you have a death wish?!
XiaoGuoGuo | I can bring some soup! That always makes me feel better when I'm feeling down
KingOfCats | DO. NOT. COME. OVER. why would you even. no.
XiaoGuoGuo | Oh, okay… I guess I can talk to them at work tomorrow if you don't think I should come tonight
KingOfCats | DON'T TALK TO THEM AT ALL
XiaoGuoGuo | What? Why?
KingOfCats | if Lao Zhao knew we were talking about them like this we'd ALL wake up as ghosts 😬
ChuGrrr | don't even *think* about mentioning this at the office
UnderappreciatedGenius | seriously, don't. this conversation never happened.
XiaoGuoGuo | Wait, now I'm confused
KingOfCats | HOW IS IT CONFUSING
XiaoGuoGuo | You don't want Chief Zhao or Professor Shen to know about this conversation?
UnderappreciatedGenius | NO, of course not!
XiaoGuoGuo | Then why are we having it in the chat group that includes both of them?
KingOfCats | what? we aren't
KingOfCats | wait
KingOfCats | OH SHIT
CivilSerpent | DA QING WHAT DID YOU DO 😱
KingOfCats | I OPENED THE WRONG CHAT BY MISTAKE
UnderappreciatedGenius | WHAT I thought this was the employees only group! 😬
CivilSerpent | Does that mean they can both see this whole discussion?
UnderappreciatedGenius | I don't think Shen Wei actually uses the app, so technically just one of them can see it
ChuGrrr | one of them is enough, they have been known to fraternize
KingOfCats | HOW DO I DELETE THIS
CivilSerpent | we can't delete it, Lao Zhao is the group admin ️
UnderappreciatedGenius | well, it's been nice knowing all of you. Amitabha. ✋
CivilSerpent | Can you get to his phone? maybe you can delete it from his account before he sees it?
KingOfCats | No, I think it's in his pocket, I can hear something vibrating over there
UnderappreciatedGenius | maybe he'll get distracted by ❌❌❌ and won't check?
KingOfCats | IT'S TOO LATE HE'S NOTICED
UnderappreciatedGenius | oh crap
TheOnceAndFutureKunlun | YOU
TheOnceAndFutureKunlun | ARE
TheOnceAndFutureKunlun | ALL
TheOnceAndFutureKunlun | FIRED
Shen Wei sighed as he finished scrolling. "I see."
Zhao Yunlan glanced over to where Shen Wei sat primly at one end of the sofa. At the sight of him cradling the mobile phone in one palm, his other index finger tracing delicately over the screen as though it were a priceless scroll he feared handling too roughly, a surge of affection swept through Zhao Yunlan. It nearly distracted him from the anger that propelled him in his restless track across the room, but a glimpse of the chat screen as Shen Wei slid the device carefully onto the coffee table renewed his ire. "I could strangle every one of them." He stalked faster on his path to nowhere.
A thoughtful hum came from the direction of the couch. "Their assessment isn't incorrect, though."
Zhao Yunlan paused in his pacing. "What assessment?"
"That we're…" Shen Wei's lips compressed into a flat line. "…not skilled at conflict resolution."
The air vacated Zhao Yunlan's lungs as a heavy sigh. "Even happy couples fight sometimes, baobei."
"Do they?"
"Nobody agrees with another person one hundred percent of the time, no matter how much they care about them."
Shen Wei frowned. "But must it be a fight? Isn't it possible to have a civil discussion?"
Zhao Yunlan gave a soft snort. "Not in my parents' case. But then…" He shoved his hands into his pockets to hide the way his fingers wanted to curl into fists at the memory of raised voices echoing up the stairs. "I guess I wouldn't exactly call them a happy couple, either. They didn't provide me with a shining example of how to manage a perfect marriage."
Shen Wei looked up at him in wordless sympathy, then patted the sofa beside him. Zhao Yunlan dropped into the offered seat, the tension finally leaving his shoulders as he deflated into the cushions. "It seems to me," Shen Wei said after a moment, "that diplomacy should have a place in the home as well as in professional and bureaucratic venues. We both have extensive experience in those fields. Perhaps we can draw on that to remain calm in the face of any future disagreements."
Zhao Yunlan groaned and let his head fall back against the couch. "All that experience has taught me is that I'm garbage at diplomacy. I had to write a self-criticism almost every month during my first year at the helm of the SID. I guess I just don't have the self-control to resist mouthing off, sometimes."
"I see." Shen Wei fell silent. When he remained so for longer than usual, Zhao Yunlan rocked his head to the side to look at him, and was dismayed to find his gaze distant and hands tightly clasped in his lap. An all-too-familiar look of resignation had settled over Shen Wei, as heavy as the black cloak he'd worn for so many years.
Zhao Yunlan winced as he mentally replayed his last statement, which smacked of selfish excuses he hadn't intended. It wasn't the first time he'd regretted a thoughtless comment—his habitual self-deprecating remarks always managed to splash back on Shen Wei somehow, either by showing blatant disregard for Shen Wei's favorable opinion of him, or making Shen Wei think that Zhao Yunlan just didn't care enough to put in an effort. The disheartened expression on Shen Wei's face made Zhao Yunlan want to squirm into the gap between the couch cushions and vanish.
Instead, his fingers crawled into Shen Wei's lap to tug one of his tense hands free. "But I'll try," Zhao Yunlan said softly, watching the shadows vanish from Shen Wei's face as he laced their fingers together. "I know I can do better. For you." A grin flashed across his face. "I mean, I like you a lot better than I like my bosses."
Shen Wei favored him with one of his rare smiles, the soul-baring kind that he only showed in private. "I promise I will never make you write a self-criticism."
"Even when I screw up?"
"Even then."
"In that case, I like you even more." He leaned closer until their shoulders bumped. "If you want, I can show you how much. I don't think Da Qing will be returning any time soon." A little growl crept into his voice as he added, "If he knows what's good for him."
A spark of interest kindled in Shen Wei's eyes, but his gaze strayed back to the kitchen. "The dishes from supper haven't been washed."
Zhao Yunlan smothered a groan and put on his most endearing expression. "The dishes can wait. We can make the Damn Cat do them as punishment when he gets back." He tilted his head and looked up at Shen Wei through his lashes, utterly shameless. "I said some awful things earlier. I want to make it up to you as soon as possible so you don't think I really meant them."
Shen Wei seemed to be thinking it over. "Da Qing is your cat, so I shouldn't interfere with how you choose to discipline him. But he might not return until tomorrow morning—perhaps even later—and it's troublesome if things aren't ready for use when I start cooking breakfast." He stared up at the ceiling with a distracted air. "I worry so much about being able to feed you a proper meal before the workday. I know you're anxious to reassure me, but if the dishes aren't clean, I might be preoccupied thinking about it the whole night."
The light bulb went on at last. "Ah. I see. It's not Damn Cat's punishment, is it." Zhao Yunlan couldn't even bring himself to protest—Shen Wei was a quick study, and it was frankly impressive how many of Zhao Yunlan's own tactics had been inscribed in Shen Wei's playbook. Besides, Zhao Yunlan was the one who had stormed out in anger earlier; he supposed a few minutes with his hands in suds was the least he owed Shen Wei in apology. He pushed himself up from the sofa. "All right, I'll wash the dishes first. And then…?" He glanced back, hopeful.
Shen Wei laughed, a radiant song of forgiveness and affection. "I'll be waiting."