"Take me where the light will never stop shining and when it gets dark I know that you'll find me." – Take Me To The Sun, d4vd
There weren't many days it felt impossible for Raven to get up. The mental blockage preventing her from rising and starting her day would last maybe an hour max on a bad day. Today was a really bad day. It had been a really bad week. The more she forced herself up and out of her room the more her body seemed to rebel against her. Her limbs ached, feeling physically fatigued any time she tried to move, even moving to the bathroom felt like a death sentence.
She'd given up trying to win the fight against herself a few days ago, finally succumbing to the physical and mental torture her mind decided to inflict upon her. It wasn't fair. She hadn't thought about him in years, but just one little movement, that one little motion had sent something in her over the edge and she'd been crumbling ever since.
Her friends had tried to do their due diligence by coming up to her room often, offering food or companionship which was coldly shut down. She'd been able to put on a pleasant enough demeanor the first few days they'd insisted on checking on her, but after the days ticked by and their persistence didn't waver it became harder and harder to find nice ways to say "leave me alone".
Slowly the visits dwindled as the days passed. Beastboy stopped trying first, which she both expected and appreciated. Starfire was the next to go, only able to have her requests to take Raven out to brunch or the mall rejected so many times before her heart couldn't take it anymore. Cyborg followed after, though he never really stopped coming by her room, he just stopped trying to get her to open the door. She could hear and feel his presence near her room once or twice a day, occasionally leaving a meal or snack outside her door only to have to replace it the next time he'd stop by when she hadn't bothered to eat it. She hoped he didn't take it personally, but it was hard enough keeping her emotions down she could barely fathom the idea of food.
Robin the ever resilient boy wonder never gave up. If she weren't so exhausted she'd consider his motivation admirable, but in her current state it was just unbearable. She couldn't blame him, or at least she was trying so hard not to. Logically it wasn't his fault, he didn't even know what he'd done wrong. If wrong was what she could even call it. He was just being sweet…affectionate…she could hardly call that a crime, let alone fault him for it. A simple compliment, just two little words was all it took to send her spiraling back into the darkness of hatred and self doubt.
Her stomach churned as the memory drifts through her mind. Robin's warm smile as he leaned in close to her, moving to tuck the longer strands of hair framing her face behind her ear as he'd whispered the comment:
"You're beautiful."
Her lip curled involuntarily as she thought about his words, the serenity to his face, the overwhelming joy and love that washed over them both as he spoke. He meant every word he said, and as much as she longed to believe him…
"A strand of hair from a beautiful girl…"
The deep smooth voice cuts sharply through the sweet memory, black scales and red eyes flash behind purple eyes that have refused to open in days. Monochrome eyes and shredded pages, forbidden touches in the dark, such enticing words she had so desperately craved to hear… She was stupid. There was no excuse for her being so weak willed. So weak in general. She had her friends, which was more than she'd ever expected to have again once she'd left Azarath. She should've never tried to push her luck further, longing for something more.
It wasn't fair to Robin either, she'd shut him out entirely the minute she'd been able to isolate herself. She was going to have to end this…whatever this was between them. It was for their own good, for Robin's own good. She was too broken for him and she knew all too well he would devote the rest of his life trying to fix her if she let him. She hadn't known something so small could send her spiraling so far down into this pit she was in, and she wasn't going to allow him to go down with her.
A brush of her hair behind the ear had shattered years of processing and blocking out all the emotional turmoil that had followed after he had touched her life. She'd never thought someone could break her so completely. He'd taken every insecurity she'd ever so much as thought or felt and used it against her. Exploited the magic she still struggled to understand and control. Calling her powerful. Calling her beautiful.
She was so foolish to think anyone could actually love her. She was worthless, like her father had often told her. Breaking the very curse that created her to begin with left her with a sense of desolation. Even if she didn't want the world to be destroyed, what was left out there for her? Doing good and saving people could only warm the bed so much at night, and no matter how hard she strived it never felt like enough.
Her body was sore from lying in the same position for who knows how long, but there wasn't a single molecule available inside her that felt like it was willing to offer any sort of strength in order to move. Not moving had its own merits and comforts, it allowed her to not have to think even the slightest about her body. The only noticeable movement being her eyes roaming behind her lids as she tried to keep her thoughts at bay. Meditating wasn't worth it. She didn't want to be aware of her own thoughts or feelings, nor was she interested in any of her alters opinions on her welfare.
Being tired was exhausting. It was hard enough trying to fight the war between both her mind and body, that she did in fact have bodily functions that might need attention; let alone trying to find a single glimmer of rationality into her own mind that would allow her to come out of this funk. The smallest, most annoying yellow voice in her head kept telling her that the same person who had triggered this reaction could very well be the one to help her through it as well and Raven was trying with all her might to ignore it. As right as the idea may or may not be, there was so much talking involved in finding a resolution. She'd done enough talking, she was just so tired…
Faint knocking on the door to her room seemed to echo throughout her skull as the noise splits through the silence. There's a muffled voice on the other side of the door but the blood pounding and rushing through her ears drowns out any of the clarity. Which is fine, she doesn't care to hear what whoever is here has to say anyway. The likelihood of it being anyone other than Robin is extremely low, but regardless she's not interested in being bothered. She can feel the faint tingle behind her eyes as he tries coaxing a reaction from her out of their bond but she shuts it down quickly with a sigh. She can hear the door to her room open and shut in quick succession but still her body won't move to berate the offender.
"Get out." Her voice is quiet and muffled by the layers of blankets and pillows she pulled over herself to muffle any offending noise.
"Not until I know you're okay." Robin's voice is slightly clearer but still faint from her position.
She keeps her mouth shut, her heart lurching out at the sound of his voice despite her better judgment. Immediately she can feel the tears well up in her eyes, the sting of salt making itself present even behind her closed lids. Her lips quiver and she pulls the flesh between her teeth to keep them still, hoping he'll give her the faintest shred of decency to let her cry in peace if the tears happen to fall. She feels the weight of fabric and pillows being pried away from her body slowly and gently until she feels the cold rush of air smack against her cheeks.
"Rae?" His voice is even clearer and a knot wedges itself in her throat. "Hey, Rae."
His voice is soft and worried as his hand reaches out to touch the exposed skin of her face. The minute their skin collides it's like fire against her face, a surge of energy bursting through her just viciously enough for her to yank her body away from his hand.
"Don't." Her voice comes out low and raspy, almost in a growl due to the dryness in her throat.
Robin watches her, his hand extended towards her hesitantly, his brows furrowed in worry as he regards her. He pulls his hand back towards his body, his lips parting slightly, breathing slowly.
"What's wrong?" He asks her gently, crouching to kneel by the side of her bed.
"You're in my room." She says flatly, curling back into the safety of her blankets.
"I didn't think that was a problem before now." His voice is tense. "What's going on, did I do something?"
Raven swallows, her teeth chattering as the tears threaten to break loose. She wants to tell him yes, he's ruined everything by invading her privacy and her space. Say anything and everything to hurt him, to send him running, to turn him away before fate can do it herself. But the words get stuck on the lump in her throat and only make it harder to breathe. She makes the mistake of looking into his grief stricken face and if she thought she had crumbled before, her resolve was eviscerated now.
Tears stream over her cheeks silently as she looks into his face. Energy crackles from her body, lashing out around the room. Her bookshelf takes a brunt of the force as books fly off the surfaces, snapping and tearing pages as if it will remedy the damage of his tale. The lights in her room had shattered days ago, at this point her powers were as frustrated with her lack of mobility as she was, lashing out at anything they could get a hold of to relieve the pent up emotions. Robin cringes at the disturbance, curling into the side of her bed to shield his face and body from the flying debris. Books slam around the room, some ricocheting so hard off the walls they cause chips and indents in the drywall.
"Raven!" Robin calls to her, trying to look up to her while still keeping an eye on the tornado of destruction around her room. "Breathe!"
She inhales quickly in a gasp, not realizing she'd been holding her breath, the air leaving her lungs just as fast in a heart-wrenching sob. Her body involuntarily curls in on itself as whatever energy is left in her body leaves in a whirlwind, settling the flying objects in her room in a chaos stricken field. She can't help the whimpers that escape her as she tries to control her breathing. Robin stays quiet as he gazes around her room and the embarrassment only fuels her sobs.
"You should go." Raven's voice croaks between her cries and she pulls random materials to cover her body again, trying to shield herself from his view.
Robin stands and Raven shuts her eyes tightly once again, thinking he's finally going to take the hint and leave her to her misery, but she can't bear to watch him go. She rubs her hands over her face, wiping the tears and the faint sting of fire from his touch away with the motion.
"Can I take you somewhere?" Robin's voice suddenly cuts through the room.
His question causes her to pause, her shaky breath still wavering in the air between them.
"What?" She asks, opening her eyes to look up at him.
"Let me take you somewhere. Away from here." Robin offers, watching her carefully.
She sighs exasperated. "Robin."
"Please," He insists. "You won't have to do anything but get dressed for a ride."
She watches him with tired eyes, the tears still silently slipping down her face. "Can't you just leave me alone?"
"I really don't want to." He admits. His voice is soft and laced with an emotion she's not sure she's ever heard from him. "And I don't think you actually want me to, do you?"
Her eyes shut as her brows knit together, her mouth pressing together tightly as she tries breathing heavily through her nose. His words almost align with the voice in her head from earlier, telling her to go to him. It had been days since her skin had been touched. Her body longed for his arms around her, his warmth, his scent, his comfort. It infuriates her how well he knows her. She shakes her head, her eyes still shut as she relents to his words.
"Alright," He agrees. "Come with me?"
She opens her eyes and he extends a hand out to her, respecting her space if she wants it but giving her the option for more. She stares at his hand for a moment, considering his invitation before slowly unraveling her arm from her blankets and placing it in his. The coolness of the air is immediately remedied by the warmth of his hand as he carefully pries her away from the cocoon she'd made for herself. She stands on shaky legs in front of him and he holds her by the arms gently to keep her upright. He keeps some distance between them and her head lolls downward casting her gaze towards their feet.
"Do you want me to leave you alone to get ready?" Robin asks softly, his thumb running soothingly over her arms.
Raven nods, blinking the last few tears away from her eyes letting them drop onto the carpet below them. Robin mimics her action of nodding, before giving her arms a gentle squeeze and dropping his grip.
"I'll meet you in the garage?" Raven offers, blinking up at him blearily.
Robin gives her a small smile and nods again, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead, squeezing her arm once more before carefully extracting himself from her room. As the door slid shut behind him she's finally able to take in just how much of a disaster her room actually is. Decor is broken, clothes ripped, curtains tattered, and books torn to shreds. It should upset her further, seeing her beloved objects so utterly destroyed at her own hands, at her own lack of control. But she can't find it in her to care.
She brings her arms up to wrap around her torso, trying to replace any of the warmth she'd lost from her bed as she looks around the room. The longer she takes in just how much damage she's created, she can't help but think how desirable getting away from her room might actually be. She wouldn't have to do anything, Robin said, and she was counting on it.
She stretched her arms and shoulders slowly, her body still tense from laying in one position for so long. She briefly considered that if she'd been left undisturbed she could've given a corpse a run for their money competing for who would reach rigor mortis first. It felt like another war she was fighting with her body, sometimes she longed to be able to feel the sting of her physical pain just a minute longer. Her body's damn ability to heal rapidly made it easy to be all too aware of the emotional ailments tainting her thoughts. What she wouldn't give for a good punch in the gut from Cinderblock to just shatter her ribs into remission for a week.
Raven sighs, trying to focus her thoughts on the only thing that matters right now; getting dressed. The desire for pain crosses her mind again, and she considers dressing wildly inappropriate for their late night motorcycle ride. How easily she could make them crash and tear up the flesh of her thighs… But she knew better. Robin would never allow her on his bike in her leotard let alone in shorts. He'd walk a thousand miles with her on his back sooner than he'd ever let her endanger herself on his ride. If it were any other day she would do it just for the fun of picking a fight, but she doesn't have that kind of energy to spare. Getting dressed once is going to be a victory all on its own.
Finally she convinces her body to make its way over to her closet, shuffling through the remnants looking for anything tangible. She pulls out a pair of her more worn out jeans. Tight around her legs, frays in the hems near her ankle from frequent use, and holes in the knees. She swaps her old sleep tank top for a clean one, deciding against a bra, not looking to be more uncomfortable than she already is. All of her shirt choices felt daunting and incorrect and she finally gives up, pulling one of her slightly older blue zip up hoodies off a hanger near the back.
She pulls the hood over her head, letting the body and sleeves dangle around her torso as she digs around one of her smaller drawers for socks and pulls out her ratty pair of old converse. She finishes slipping the hoodie over her arms, adjusting the sides to wrap around her body similarly to how her cloak would fall. She pulls on her socks and shoes quickly, leaving the laces untied and she finally makes her way over to her door.
She stops. Pausing to look at the smooth metal of the door as she contemplates her route to the garage. She hadn't thought about it when she'd offer to meet him there, but now she'd have to get through the rest of the house, alone. What if she ran into one of the others before she met up with Robin? After crying, talking, and getting dressed her remaining energy is holding on by a thread. There's not a chance any of the others walk away with anything less than a verbal scar should they cross her path.
She could always teleport, but that once again diminishes the little energy she has to even keep herself standing. Teleporting to a bathroom near the garage is an idea, she still has necessities to take care of and it gives her a very slim probability of running into any of the others. If she's lucky the worst she'd encounter is Cyborg, and if she wins the lottery he'll be understanding towards a nonverbal response.
Raven allows black energy to crackle around her body as she allows herself to succumb into the literal darkness of her magic. Sometimes it felt therapeutic letting her body melt and phase through the air becoming nothing with the wind. Times like this make it hard to not lose herself in the abyss. She controls it though, dropping her body off just outside the nearest bathroom to the garage. She'd learned better than to teleport directly into bathrooms at this point, an accident she only had to learn the hard way once.
She shoves her hands in the pockets of her hoodie, kicking the door to the bathroom open with her foot. The automatic light greeted her, blinding her with the reflection of the clean tiled room. She sighs, blinking a few times, giving her eyes time to adjust to the light before locking the door behind her and going about her business. She moved through the actions quickly, not interested in taking much time to dawdle. After washing her hands she allows herself a minute to rub some warm water over her face, scrubbing at the skin slightly before turning away from the mirror quickly, intent on avoiding her gaunt reflection.
Leaving the room quickly, she stops just outside the room listening out for any one else's presence, pleased as the only noise that radiates around her is the electricity from the fluorescent lights. She moves slowly through the halls, keeping her gaze low towards the ground, watching as her laces flop wildly around her feet with each step she takes.
The door to the garage slides open in her presence, revealing Robin is already there waiting for her. His back is to her as she approaches, strapping a fully loaded backpack to the back of his bike. He'd changed out of his uniform and into his own civilian clothes; heavy jeans and his favorite worn out bomber jacket. He shifts his weight turning, sensing her near and offers her a smile.
"Hey," He greets her, reaching out automatically before faltering, thinking otherwise and pulling his hand back towards himself.
Guilt washes over her as she watches his actions, but she doesn't have it in herself to provide reassurance. He leans back over the bike, grabbing something he'd left draping over the seat and offers it to her.
"I wasn't sure if you'd want this." He shrugs, keeping his shade covered eyes downcast towards the material in his hand. "If not it's fine."
She appraises the dark object in his hand for a moment before realizing what he's giving her. It's one of his own hoodies, particularly her favorite of his hoodies. The all black pullover with "GOTHAM" written in heavy gothic font was big even on Robin's sturdy body, which made it all the better that it drowned her smaller frame. But the abundance of fabric and the overwhelming scent of pure Robin brought her constant bouts of comfort. Not to mention the "T" in Gotham had fallen off long ago leaving the hoodie with the slightly more hilarious "GO HAM".
Normally it was a competition between them who could get the "go ham" sweater first, Robin always instigating the fight just for the fun of it, but he'd just as easily lose the fight to give into her whims. Today for some reason her brain can hardly process the gift, her eyes welling up at just the mere thought of the affection behind his action and she blinks rapidly trying to will her tears away.
"Rae?" Robin's voice is soft as he calls to her, the hoodie still extended out towards her.
Her head falls forward again, unable to meet his eyes even behind the sunglasses blocking his bright irises. Her breath shudders as the tears fall down her cheeks once again and she can't even find the strength to be angry at herself for crying again. Robin moves, ignoring whatever hesitation he'd been struggling with earlier, dropping the hoodie back on his bike before closing the distance between them and wrapping his arms around her again. Raven's breath shakes as he pulls her against his chest and anything left of her resolve shatters completely. She throws her arms around his waist, burying her face deeply into his chest.
"I'm sorry." She cries against his chest, her breath coming out in whimpers.
He hushes her soothingly, one arm wrapped tightly around her body while the other rubs steady passes along her back. She's not sure how long it takes for her body to relax against his, the tears finally passing as she leans into his warmth, but eventually she can breathe again. Swallowing back her emotions she rubs at her face with the sleeves of her hoodie, clearing it from her snot and salty tears. She holds the sleeves up to her eyes, making sure any remaining moisture is absorbed before she sighs, dropping her attention back to the hoodie on his bike.
Raven pulls her own hoodie off quickly, tossing it on the floor of the garage, unbothered, before grabbing the black material and slipping it over her head. Robin's spicy earthy scent surrounds her immediately, and her eyes close automatically as she sighs in content. Finally she's able to look up into Robin's face and her heart lurches for him. She wants to give him a smile, something, but as much as she yearns for him her heart still hurts.
"You ready?" He asks her, gesturing towards the bike.
She glances at the bike, then back up to him before nodding. He smiles at her again, pulling off his sunglasses and grabbing his helmet and offering his spare one to her. She pulls it on unwillingly, one of her least favorite things about rides on his bike, but Robin would insist. She pulls the oversized hood off her head and replaces it by sliding the helmet over her messy hair. She slides the visor up to adjust the hair out of her face and situate the object in a comfortable manner before following after Robin and throwing a leg over the back of the bike.
Robin shifts around in front of her balancing his weight before kicking the kickstand up and roaring the engine to life. Raven mimics his action, shifting as well to find her balance as she wraps her arms tightly around his waist and pulls her feet up to rest on the back pegs of the bike. Robin places a hand on her arms, his way of asking if she's ready, she responds by giving his waist a light squeeze and settling closer into his back. He gives her arm a squeeze back in response before moving his hand back to the handlebars and then they were off.
Rides with Robin always felt exhilarating. The speed was nothing unfamiliar, he could give her a run for her money on this bike even against her ability of flight. But there was a level of control and confidence that she felt came with riding bikes the way he did that was much different than the languid freedom of flying. Flying was simple. It was easy to get from point A to point B when you can just rise above all the obstacles on the path to get there. Robin would have a dangerously more complicated method with just as precise results, and speeding through the city on his bike was exactly the type of adrenaline to fuel to fill his vice.
It was clearly late at night as they hit the main stretch of the road towards town. The light posts seemed to flash as they passed them quickly, the roads were mostly clear as they sped through the night. They met the city quickly, the flashing lights and blaring horns muffling the noise of the motor roaring below them. The flashing street lights reflecting off the glass of the building around them, sirens in the distance she was beyond praying her leader would ignore. Robin rides steady, seemingly unbothered and undistracted by the surrounding stimulation. Everything passing them so quickly is semi overwhelming if she's honest, she'd gotten a little too comfortable in the dark solace of her room where so many lights and so much noise was more grating on her head than she'd been expecting.
Almost as if sensing her discomfort she felt Robin give her arm a gentle pat as they slowed near a busy intersection. The action sent butterflies through her body, warming the chillness in her bones and she snuggles closer into his back. They trek on through the city, there's minimal chatter as most of the town seems to be asleep or at the very least locked safely in their homes. She notes the few random patrol cars stationed in odd places hoping to catch some action. It feels like a long drive as they pass through the heart of the city, the loud bustle of the town slowly dwindling out behind them.
Slowly the rigid deteriorating stone of the asphalt morphed into a smoother sleeker stone of the highway. Raven watched as the tall building began to blur into trees just as tall. They were going north she noted, it wasn't a direction her nor the team traveled often, not having much interest in the more rural area of Jump City.
They drive even longer, and Raven briefly wonders if Robin even has a destination in mind or if he was only doing this as an excuse to get her out of her room. Maybe this is where he finally drops her from the team, tells her how much of a liability she actually is and how they'd all be better off without her. Maybe he's taking her out all the way to some rural who-knows-where kind of place so her emotional depravity wouldn't destroy anything of value to their team. She closes her eyes and sighs.
The highway slowly becomes more unstable the higher into the mountain range they got, eventually Robin pulls them off to begin along a narrow one way dirt trail hidden amongst the surrounding trees. If she weren't so tired she'd be a little more alert about their change of direction. But ultimately what did it matter? Robin didn't seem concerned or nervous in the slightest. Why should she bother to keep her senses alert when she was craving something bad to happen.
But of course nothing does. Robin slows his bike as they near a clearing overlooking a ledge. He pulls the bike just close though to the edge Raven can see the city they'd just left from. The entire area looked like its own man made grid of stars from this distance. Robin cuts the motor, shutting the bike off and leans back to give Raven's arms around his waist another pat. The noise of the motor echoes in Raven's ears for a moment, slowly fading out until the only sound around them is the sound of crickets chirping and wildlife singing.
Slowly Raven pulls away from Robin's back, giving him space to stretch off his bike. He kicks the kickstand down and pulls the key out of the ignition before offering her a hand and helping her off the bike as well. She pulls the helmet off her head, shaking her hair free as she does and hands it back to him. She watches him place both their helmets on the bike seats they'd unoccupied before unstrapping his backpack from the back and swinging it over his arm.
Robin offers her his gloveless hand again, his now exposed eyes watching her carefully. She blinks down at his hand for a moment considering, before slowly sliding her hand into his. She looks up into his eyes, and they linger there staring at each other. She can almost see all the questions pooling behind his vibrant blue eyes as he watches her. Finally he turns away, looking down towards the ledge then back towards her.
"C'mon." He murmurs, leading her to an even thinner dirt path leading down the ledge.
She trails after him carefully, Robin keeping a firm grasp on her hand to help guide her down the unstable pathway. As they get closer to the bottom of the path she notices a large wall of dark green vines and thick leaves overlapping each other. She gazes up the wall, trying to figure out what it is she's looking at and how the plants have grown in such an odd manner.
"I think this used to be an old factory or electrical building." Robin tells her, pulling her around the side of the wall.
They turn the corner to find a severely much less intact wall, the leaves and vines withering off sparsely along the broken edges of the building. It's pretty dilapidated inside the building, the roof looks like it's caving in with soggy pink insulation tinted brown hanging from the broken ceiling. It looks like the building caught on fire at some point, either before or after it was abandoned is anyone's guess. The walls and floor are singed and littered with graffiti, and any previous windows have been long since blown out. The underlying smell of rotting burning wood accent the area. There's broken glass, plastic, metal, and paper scattered around the small building, one particular wall of the room seemed piled with debris.
Robin leads her into the building carefully, bringing her into the middle of the room just in front of the wall colored with trash. He drops her hand and she automatically wraps her arms around her body seeking comfort. He pulls the backpack off his back and drops it to the floor, unzipping it before pulling out its contents.
"If you don't want to talk, that's fine, I don't want to push you." Robin starts, keeping his eyes down on the bag. "This is where I come when I don't know how to get out what I feel."
He pulls a small metal cylinder out of the bag and pressed the button on the side allowing his staff to extend to its full length.
"You can destroy anything you want in here, the only rule is no powers." Robin says holding the staff out to her.
Raven frowns looking down at the staff before looking back up at Robin.
"I don't…" Her voice falters off, hesitant of his proposal.
He watches her for a moment as she remains unmoving, before shrugging and pulling the staff back towards his body. "Suit yourself."
Robin stands then, bracing the staff in his hands as he turns away from her, glancing around the room. She watches him think for a minute before he suddenly moves, running quickly through the room only to jump at the last minute and slam his staff into the concrete wall with a yell of exertion. He does this a few times, slamming and stabbing his staff into the solid wall. The wall seemed to remain unmoved, only small chips of plaster cascading from Robin's brutal attacks.
Raven watches his actions for a while, his tall body moving quickly around the debris and nature that had taken over the building to land critical blows against the solid rock. She can see his body growing tired with time, the sweat glistening on his forehead and neck as he moves fast and powerful throughout the room. Finally he seems to reach an end to his display as his staff harshly impacts a metal beam sticking out of a wall causing a deafening reverb through the room. His breathing is heavy as slowly he slides out of his tense action ready position as he relaxes and makes his way back over to her.
He offers her the staff once more, his breathing heavy and his face red. She gives it a look once more before slowly accepting the offer this time, feeling the warmth from where his hands had been holding the normally cool metal. He gives her a nod, dropping his grip before heading back to his backpack to pull out a large blue water bottle. She watches him down part of the drink quickly, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand as he finishes.
She turns away from him, looking back at the debris filled area trying to decide how she's supposed to start. Her eyes roamed around the room looking for an acceptable target but nothing seemed to speak to her. She holds the staff awkwardly before turning back to Robin, her head downcast.
"I don't know what to do." She admits softly.
Robin nods, tilting his head to look around the room as well. "Don't think so much about destroying something specific, think about something that makes you angry. What made you upset to begin with, then when the feeling gets too strong, let it out."
She glances into his still slightly flush face and nods, turning her back to him again as she faces the open room. Something that makes her angry. She didn't have the energy to be angry, nor could she afford to be. Even without Trigon's influence her anger could still cause mass devastation if left unchecked.
She thought about losing control, the familiar swell of anxiety settling in her chest. Closing her eyes she embraced it, allowed the feeling to wash over her body and she slowly began to tremble. Memories flow through her head. The looks of distrust and horror as her friends had to take her down to stop the flow of dark magic threatening the life of an innocent child. His nonchalance at her hesitance. His manipulation. How could he do that to her? She had been an innocent child.
"Is it dark? Or is it simply misunderstood? Like you."
Raven lashed out, she swung the staff quickly colliding with the surprisingly sturdy wall. It feels good. The vibration of the metal of the staff as it reverberates through the bones in her arms. It's numbing. She moves again, more forcefully this time, more committed.
"You're still alone...is that what you want?"
She screams, blows continuously slamming into whatever she can find purchase against. The walls, the floors, despite Robin's no power rule she lifts herself up to slam the rod into the ceiling. Nothing feels like enough, nothing will get the memories out of her head. Nothing will remove his words or the way he had made her feel. It's nauseating. She screams again, in both anger and exertion as she rains hits furiously down against the wall. Chips and chunks of plaster fly off the wall and skitter across the ground and into her hair with the attacks.
A particularly hard attack sends the staff shattering, the metal ricocheting off the wall and she has to duck out of the way to avoid being hit. She doesn't feel done with her anger though, beating the broken staff against the wall though it proves unsatisfactory. Throwing the broken staff on the floor she takes to the wall with her fists. Punching and slamming her body into the solid object as she continued to scream and cry her emotions.
Raven hears her name being called right as she moves to take another swing, causing her aim to slip and her knuckles skid against the wall, scraping the skin aggressively. She gasps, catching herself against the wall before she falls completely and grasps at the stinging skin before turning to look at Robin.
"Shit, sorry." He said moving over to her quickly, gathering her in his arms.
She ignores the pain in her hand and she curls into his body as he nears. His arms lock around her automatically but she can smell the faint waft of worry and confusion that drifts from him. She cries into his chest hard, her fingers grasping at the fabric of his shirt trying to keep him closer. Robin rocks and hushes her in his arms, cooing sweet words of nothing to ease her.
She wants to spill everything. Every moment she shared with him, every word they'd ever spoke in the private traces of her room. The words he had called her, the way he had touched her. Affection she hadn't felt since her mother died. Something she'd never thought she would feel again only to have it exploited. It was even worse that something inside her longed to be so understood by someone again. Robin was wonderful, in every aspect of the word. But Robin was only human. The most magic he'd ever experienced was…Larry…and as much as he could understand magic he would never understand.
"I loved him." Raven admits, sobbing into Robin's chest.
She feels Robin's body tense just for a moment before he composes himself and continues rubbing soothing strokes along her back.
"I know." He assures her, leaning his cheek against the top of her head.
"I was stupid!" She cries.
"No, you weren't." Robin disagrees, his voice still calm and gentle.
She wants to argue so badly, but she can't muster the strength to do so. So she cries, she lets everything she has out as Robin's arms hold her firmly. It's a desperate ugly cry, she knows he's never seen her this bad. Normally she's much better at having some sort of composure to her emotions but having to consider someone else's emotions on top of hers is still so foreign. One wrong move in their relationship could destroy everything they've built with their team, and then she really would be alone. She should've never gotten so preoccupied in her emotions.
Robin moves, lifting them both off the ground and she clings closer to his body. He adjusts her weight to carry her better then slowly moves them over to grab the backpack on the ground and swing it awkwardly over one shoulder. He lifts them again and begins carrying her out of the broken down building. She feels the guilt course through her once again, wanting to tell him she can walk herself, he doesn't have to do this but the words don't come.
Robin carefully walks them up the narrow dirt trail they'd come down earlier and brings them back up to the flat clear area where his bike is parked. He sets his bag on the ground before carefully allowing Raven to drop to her feet. He presses a kiss to her head and pulls away for a moment to rummage through his bag again. He pops out a thick blanket and unfolds it, stretching it out across the ground before situating himself in the center. He holds his arms out to her and she immediately goes to him, curling back into his familiar warmth as she continues to relieve her cries.
They sit there for what feels like hours, Robin rubbing soothing and languid passes over her body as her cries come in waves. He doesn't speak, or ask her questions, just allows her to experience whatever she's feeling. Eventually her tears taper off, leaving nothing but the chilly late night air and the chirping of insects between them. At some point Robin pulls out the blue water bottle she'd seen him drink from earlier and offers it to her. She takes it from him, taking a few sips as the action soothes her body.
She can feel Robin's fingers toying idly with the sleeves of the hoodie she's wearing. She glances down at his hands, slowly moving hers to trace over the rough skin of his fingers. She pokes at his palm with her nails lightly and he returns then motion, poking back at the side of her hand. They play this game for a minute, poking each other's hands and trying to block the other's attacks. Robin eventually relents first like he usually does when they play fight, and allows his hand to slacken as she captures all his fingers between hers.
"When did you find this place?" Raven finally asks softly.
"Years ago." Robin meets her tone. "I'd seen it on my way into Jump City but I didn't look into it much until a while after we'd been settled. I took a ride alone one night and saw the pathway off the highway and decided to see what was down there."
"That was dumb of you." She mumbles.
"What?"
"Going down some random trail alone." She tells him.
His breath ghosts over her hair as he chuckles. "Yeah, maybe." He agrees.
"Do you come here often?" She asks, looking up at his face.
"Not as often as I used to." He admits, his eyes still focused on the shimmering lights of the city in the distance. "I used to keep a lot more bottled up."
"Is that a jab at me?" She blinks up at him.
"No. Just being honest." He responds simply.
The silence settles between them again and Raven turns her gaze to look out on the city lights as well .The view is amazing from this distance, they're close enough to the city where she can still make out faint color changes of street lights though they blend together in blurry streaks across the abundance of warmly lit street lights.
"Can I ask you something?" Robin asks, his voice hesitant and anxiety swells in her chest.
She swallows, considering his question before nodding.
"What did I do that upset you?" His free hand fidgets with the sleeve of her hoodie again.
She closes her eyes and leans her head back to rest against his shoulder as she takes a moment to breathe. Her eyes flutter open and the lights seem even blurrier than before.
"You called me beautiful." She said softly.
He allowed it to remain quiet as he considered her words. She can hear him swallow and she feels his confusion grow around him.
"Haven't I called you that before?" He asks hesitantly.
"It was how you said it." She explains.
He remains silent again thinking this over and his aura of confusion doesn't waver.
"Can I ask how?" He asks softly after a moment, an edge of fear creeping along his confusion.
Raven closes her eyes and swallows, breathing slowly. She opens her eyes and turns in his arms to look up into his face, she doesn't repeat the words but she mimics his action by tucking his dark messy strands behind his ear. She doesn't give him time to mull the action over before she turns her attention back towards the city and pressing her lips together flatly.
"Whenever we were trying to break the spell that kept Malchior in the book we needed something tangible, something that held a semblance of life. It was the last thing we needed, so he cut my hair," Her hand reached up to play with the purple strands around her ear as she spoke. "He said we needed the hair of a beautiful girl, so he took it from me."
Robin's body is tense underneath her as she speaks. She rambles then, telling him everything from that point on. Every word he'd given her, all the knowledge he'd shared, even beyond magic. He'd been such a glimmer of light in her otherwise dismal universe only to send her crashing even further into a darkness she never knew she could reach. Every feeling he'd ever given her, everything he'd taken from her, every secret she'd shared spilled from her mouth until there was nothing left inside her.
"It was dumb of me." Her voice fell flat, as she finished offering her emotions on a silver platter.
"No." Robin disagrees immediately. "There's nothing dumb about wanting to feel loved."
"It was," She argues. "I shouldn't have trusted someone I couldn't feel any reciprocation from."
"What do you mean?" He eyes her.
"Paper and ink isn't designed to hold emotions the way a real body is. There was never anything to read from him besides the words his body was made up of." Raven drones. "I let my own emotions cloud my judgment. I thought since I was feeling everything so intensely he must be feeling the same. Why else would someone say such nice things to someone so weird."
"I can think of a handful of reasons." Robin says softly.
"I'm not fishing for compliments." Her voice is heavy.
"I understand." Robin assures her, nodding. "Thank you for telling me about…it."
It feels better in a sense getting everything out in the open, but now that she has, where does that leave her? It doesn't change the past, and it certainly doesn't fix it. She blinks out at the open city. The horizon was beginning to mist with the colors of the rising sun. The stars merging into the muted pinks, yellows and oranges of the sky.
She can still feel an air of tension around them both. She doesn't need to peek into his mind to know there are a million other questions burning behind his eyes. Questions she doesn't entirely have the answer to herself. There were a lot of unfinished conversations and stories that would never reach their conclusion, she'd never actually finished the story behind his book and she was certain she never would. No matter how Rorek had defeated him in the fable it wouldn't reverse the damage done to her reality.
"I wish it didn't hurt to think about so much." Her voice wavered.
"A lot of the time it takes a long time for pain to go away. Sometimes it never really does." Robin agrees. "I don't think time heals everything like everyone says it does, but it definitely makes memories fade. You might never truly forget everything, even things you want to remember, but I think the less you hold onto the memories the less you hold onto the pain."
Raven's eyes flutter as her eyes begin to pool with moisture again though this time it doesn't spill. He's right to some extent, the agony had made her feel like she'd been drowning. Nothing had felt anything as severe as when the wound was still fresh. Her broken heart had felt like it had physically shattered in her chest, every breath she had taken was suffocating. She'd had to pick up the pieces by herself, not letting anyone even remotely close to her for a long time before finally opening herself up again to Robin.
Being with him was scary in its own merits, but the amount of good times she's had with him vastly overshadow her fears. They've had their bad days and enough fights to last a lifetime, but there was also no one else in the world that she would so readily die for if need be. He had literally traveled hell to and back for her, and he would do it a thousand times all over again if there was even a chance of finding her.
"Robin?" His name catches in her throat.
"Yeah?" His hand squeezes hers and she drops her eyes to look back at their entwined fingers.
"I love you."
The surprise and joy that radiates from his entire body nearly knocks the wind out of her. She can feel and hear the way the hammering of his heart increases through his chest. As the initial shock of her words dies down the surprise slowly morphs into something sweeter as his own mutual love gushes out of him. His arms tighten around her, his cheek pressing into the side of her head.
"I love you too." He responds, his voice breathless.
She believes him.
Settling into the peace in his arms she knows everything is far from resolved. Her eyes feel heavy as all the exertion of energy finally catches up with her and her body craves to rest. As much as she wants to request they begin the drive back home it's hard to not get caught up in this serenity he's provided her. The light of the early morning was almost as easy for her to lose herself in as it was the darkness of her mind. Robin's words are just as clear in her head, anything really was possible.
Raven allows her eyes to rest as she sighs contently in the safety and comfort of Robin's arms. "Thank you for bringing me here."