Third Year

I suppose it's common, normal really, to develop a bit of a crush on your teacher. He wasn't even the first. In Second Year, I drew hearts around Professor Lockhart's name, after all. But that crush was short-lived and superficial. My next crush was a maddening infatuation. When I first saw him in the train car, I didn't think much of him at all. He was old! He wasn't as old as my parents, who had me quite late in their lives, but he was certainly old enough mathematically to be my father. He was the same age as Harry's parents after all (although, to be quite clear, having somewhat recently been a 19-year-old woman, I truly can't fathom having a baby at 19). No, nothing about him stood out to me on the train car, but over time, the crush developed.

Two deep-seated traits defined my childhood: a deep hunger for knowledge, and an overwhelming sense of insecurity. I desperately wanted to know, and yet, it wasn't enough to know. I had to prove that I did. I had to show the pureblood students that I belonged. Professor Lupin and his teaching methods touched both of those traits. He was a scholar, a learner, a teacher. He had this vast wealth of knowledge that I could only dream of. He knew. A storehouse of information ready to tumble from his lips during each class. That alone could have been enough to give a brainy 14-year-old girl a crush on her teacher, but combined with his patience, his willingness to teach, and his gentleness with praise? I was done for.

Every day, I walked into his classroom and a swoop went through my stomach. I'd hope he would look my way. He often did! But, frustratingly for my teenage self, never in any way that could remotely have been considered inappropriate. He was kind and treated me like a child, as he should have. That didn't stop me from imagining . . . well, to be frank, I didn't really know what to imagine yet. I was too young to even have an imagination in that regard. Lupin would be horrified to learn, however, that it was because of him that I went to check out one particular book from the library. Unfortunately, I needed a note from my parents to be allowed to check it out, and I was far too humiliated to ask them. So, I did the next best thing. I asked Ginny.

"Ginny, you've got six brothers," I said.

"True," she replied absently as she read her Potions text.

"Can you tell me about…"

Ginny looked up at me, brows knitted.

"Tell you about what?" she asked.

I flushed.

"Can you tell me about… boys?" I said meekly.

She looked at me blankly.

"You know… like, about…" I stammered and took a deep breath. "Can you tell me about boys and sex?"

"Ewww," she said, wrinkling her nose. "You can't start the conversation with my brothers and then ask about sex. Please tell me this isn't about Ron."

"No!" I shouted immediately.

She laughed, and I did too.

"Please," I asked. "My mum hasn't told me anything!"

"All right," she said, snapping her book shut and glancing around furtively to make sure no one was listening. "Because my mum has told me everything."

My eyes widened.

"I started getting the sex talk when I was 10, and I get a refresher every year. She always starts the same way. 'You are a Weasley after all," mocked Ginny in her best impression of her mother, and I laughed again.

And that night, Ginny gave me a very detailed discussion of the birds and the bees. It was rather horrifying, to be honest. I could not really wrap my head around the idea of that part going there, so my imagination still kept things with Lupin very PG-13, but at least I knew how to cast a contraception charm.

After Professor Snape assigned the werewolf essay, and I put together the pieces to learn Lupin's true identity, my crush only deepened. I knew and he knew, and it was like there was a secret that we shared, even if he had no idea. And while I should have been frightened or concerned, I wasn't. I was intrigued. I was tantalized. I checked out every book in the library on werewolves, poring over every fact as though it brought us closer. I was obsessed.

My third year ended in chaos, of course. Yet, when Lupin praised me for figuring out that he was a werewolf, I couldn't help but flush with pride. I knew his secret, and he knew mine! Then, soon after, Lupin transformed on the grounds, Pettigrew escaped, and Harry and I used the Time Turner to save Sirius's life. After Lupin resigned from his post, my crush faded, but I've never stopped thinking of him as my first love. My first real crush. My first fantasy.

Fifth Year

My crush lay dormant for a year while I stayed busy getting Harry through the Tri-Wizard Tournament. I was pleasantly distracted by Viktor Krum, and I was coming into my own as a young woman. I even finally had breasts. But I hadn't thought about Lupin at all, until I joined Harry and the Weasleys at Number 12 Grimmauld Place the summer before fifth year. That was when I learned another secret of his.

It was late August and boiling hot, and we had been cleaning Sirius's house for endless long days. I was bunking with Ginny but tossing and turning relentlessly. I finally decided to go downstairs and find a glass of water, and perhaps an adult to cast a chilling charm on it. I could have asked Kreacher to fetch it, but of course, I was at the height of my crusade to free the House Elves. I sneaked downstairs quietly, keeping an eye out both for any pests lingering under floorboards and for any adults who might be upset that I was out of bed.

I was already at the bottom of the staircase when I heard the hushed voices and quiet chuckles. I stayed silent while I slipped toward the kitchen. The voices were coming from the parlor, and I'd have to sneak past it. I peered around the corner and saw them.

It was both tender and sexy, and truly, it was the tenderness more than the sexiness that brought my crush rushing back. He was sitting on the sofa with Sirius, who was running a hand absently across Lupin's head and gazing at him. The casual movement of Sirius's fingers playing with Lupin's sandy blonde hair spoke to an intimacy I'd never really witnessed. Sure, I'd seen my parents kiss before, but I'd never watched them when no one was looking.

"And then what did Moody say?" murmured Sirius from his cozy position next to Lupin.

"What else would he say?" shrugged Lupin. "CONSTANT VIGILANCE."

Sirius barked a laugh.

"Shhh," whispered Lupin, stifling a laugh of his own. "You'll wake the kids!"

"Who cares," murmured Sirius into Lupin's face as he nuzzled him.

Lupin had just tilted his head to the side to allow Sirius more access.

"We could at least go upstairs," chuckled Lupin.

I froze, praying they wouldn't leave the room and finding me standing here.

"This is my house, I can kiss you wherever I like," said Sirius with a smile. I relaxed where I stood, and then I saw Sirius lean over to cup Lupin's face with his hand.

I knew I was intruding on a very private moment between lovers, but I simply could not tear my gaze away. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before they leaned in. I saw that Sirius watched Lupin during their kiss, while Lupin kept his eyes closed. Their kiss was almost chaste at first: sweet and affectionate. It quickly deepened, and when I heard Lupin moan softly into Sirius's mouth, my entire body felt as though it had been set on fire.

"Sirius," pleaded Lupin, but he was silenced by another kiss.

I hadn't planned to be the voyeur that night, but I couldn't tear my gaze away as the two men kissed. Sirius's hands threaded in Lupin's hair, and I saw Lupin's hands grasp Sirius's strong shoulders, then move down his back and tug at the end of Sirius's shirt. Their kiss broke apart for a moment while Sirius's shirt was pulled over his head, revealing a tanned and tattooed chest that was still thin but beginning to fill out after his years in Azkaban.

"I love you," said Sirius quietly, and I once again felt that I was invading a most intimate private moment, but I could not turn away.

"I love you," replied Lupin.

Then their kisses resumed, more feverishly this time. Clothes were tugged off, hands were everywhere at once. Lupin lay back on the sofa, and Sirius now had his face between Lupin's legs. I could just barely see Lupin's erection. When Ginny described one to me, I was horrified, but now, seeing Lupin's, I was enthralled. I was fascinated. It seemed large, though I had no frame of reference, and somehow was not horrifying at all.

I had done some kissing and touching with Viktor in my Fourth year, but I had never seen a blow job. An ache was building between my legs as I watched Sirius's head bob up and down. Lupin's hand was gripping long black hair now. I fought the urge to touch myself as I watched. I have no idea how many minutes it took: maybe two and maybe twenty, but soon Lupin was crying out and bucking forward into Sirius's mouth, who was frantically trying to reach a hand up to shush him without leaving his place between Lupin's legs. Once Lupin was quiet and still, Sirius came up grinning and wiping the corner of his mouth with his hand.

They started kissing again, Sirius climbing on top of Lupin. It was hard to see what was happening, and truly, though Ginny had explained the mechanics of a man and a woman, I had no idea what two men would do.

It was then that we all heard it. Footsteps that sounded like Mrs. Weasley's entering the kitchen. Sirius and Lupin were both laughing as they swung their wands frantically to summon their clothes. I ran for it, as quietly as I could, and returned to my room upstairs with Ginny. She was still sleeping, and my body was alight with desire. That night, I reached my fingers down to find myself swollen and aching. It was the place Viktor had touched, but he could never bring me to orgasm. Now, thinking about Sirius and Lupin moments earlier, I had barely touched myself for a moment when I felt my entire body convulse, muscles twitching and tensing and sweat forming on my face.

It would be weeks before I could look Lupin in the eye again.

Seventh Year

I was standing in the living room of the Burrow, trying to stay out of the way of the hustle and bustle of preparation for Fleur and Bill's wedding. I found myself staring at a gallery wall of pictures. There was a photo of newlywed Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, so very young and bashful as they gave one another surreptitious glances. There was a rough and tumble photo of the twins as children, and another of a toddler-aged Ginny riding on Bill's shoulders as they ran across the grounds of the Burrow. I paused at a picture of Charlie, holding his broom and smiling confidently at the camera. He was the most handsome of the Weasley sons, I concluded. I was just staring at his muscular arms when I sensed a watchful presence that made me jump.

"Professor!" I said, startled.

"You don't have to call me Professor anymore, Hermione," he said with a smile.

I blushed. He and Tonks were passing through the room. Tonks gave me a wild grin and kissed Remus on the cheek before walking off. I stared at him, mouth hanging open slightly.

"I'm not sure if you heard that Tonks and I were married this summer," said Remus, as if in explanation.

"Oh!" I said, and then I furrowed my brow confusedly.

Remus looked at me quizzically.

"I know that look," he said congenially. "What's on your mind?"

The news of Remus and Tonks wasn't necessarily a surprise, but I was still filled with a sense of righteous anger nonetheless. Tonks! How dare she! Didn't she have any shame at all? Going after a man that was only recently dating her very own cousin? But of course, I couldn't deny that there was a distinct feeling of jealousy bubbling in my veins at that moment. It was easier to have a crush when I thought Remus only dated men. I had thought he wasn't interested in women at all, so of course he wouldn't have any interest in me. But to hear this news made me feel sort of like a deflated balloon.

"Hermione?" he said.

"Oh, it's nothing, I just-" but I trailed off uncomfortably. I wasn't sure how to ask him the truth about his love life. After all, he was an adult, and I was a 17-year-old – barely even of age in the Wizarding world.

"You just…?" he prompted.

"Well, er, Professor-"

"Remus," he interrupted.

"Remus," I said with a confidence I didn't feel. "I didn't realize that you- It's just that, er, well… I didn't know you dated women."

Remus looked a bit shocked and confused, but he regained his composure.

"Hermione," he began cautiously, "What gives you the impression that I don't date?"

"Sir, I don't mean to say you don't date at all…" I ventured.

He still looked very confused.

"I mean to say that I was under the impression that you dated-" and here I nearly lost my nerve, but pressed on, "that you dated men."

Whatever he was expecting me to say, it was not that. His amber eyes widened and he took a small step backward. I half wanted to reach for him, to pull him back toward me and demand he not shrink from this conversation. However, he recovered and held his ground. He smiled at me, and for all he told me not to call him Professor anymore, he looked at me like he had when I was 14 and had just figured out a problem in his Defence Against the Dark Arts class.

"Ahh," he said. "You've discovered yet another of my secrets."

I dropped my gaze, but I couldn't help but smile at this, his gentle praise. It felt very good to be on the receiving end of it again. To both know and to be praised for knowing.

"When did you figure it out?" he asked.

"I saw you and Sirius," I said, not meeting his eyes and continuing to stare at the floor.

"You saw us?" he asked, surprised.

"I'm sorry," I said, looking up at him at last. "I didn't mean to. You were in the parlor at Grimmauld Place."

"I always told him we should be more careful while you kids were around," he said with a smile.

I flushed with indignation. I wasn't a kid! I was legally an adult, and he was treating me like a child! He sat down on the sofa and motioned for me to do the same. I sank down next to him, and I was close enough that our knees touched. I couldn't help but gaze at him. He was wearing a well-fitted dress shirt, unbuttoned at the collar and sleeves rolled up. He was very handsome, but not like Charlie Weasley was handsome. Remus was taller, and instead of bulky muscles from Quidditch and Dragon-Keeping, Remus had sinewy ones that looked as though they were stretched too tight across his long bones. He was in his late thirties at the time, but his face had more lines than a 37-year-old had any right to. His face was interesting, not bland. His nose jutted out a bit at the top. His eyes were deep set and thoughtful, but at that moment, he was staring at the ceiling, looking far away.

"Not many people know," he offered.

"About you and Sirius?"

He nodded.

"Does Tonks?" I asked.

And then, suddenly, instead of being professor and student or grown-up and adult, we were peers. It was like he'd been waiting to find someone to talk to about it, and the words began spilling from his lips.

"Of course she doesn't know," he said with a rueful shake of his head. "How could I tell her that my last partner was her dead cousin?"

I didn't really know what to say to that, so I didn't say anything. He took a deep breath.

"You know, Sirius and James were best friends from the moment they found each other on the Hogwarts Express. Their families weren't friendly, of course. The Blacks were very particular about the company they kept, but as they were both Purebloods, at least they already knew of each other," he said. "After the sorting, when we all landed in Gryffindor, I sort of just fell in with them. We were all best friends – the four of us back then. James fell for Lily right away. I'm telling you, Hermione, he was done for the moment he laid eyes on her."

He was smiling as he remembered, and it was infectious. I couldn't help but smile, too. To hear him speak of his past, his childhood, was such a delightful treat, and I could tell he rarely got to tell the story from his perspective.

"Of course, Sirius dated half the girls at Hogwarts," he said.

"Somehow that doesn't surprise me," I laughed, and he looked over at me with a grin.

"He was handsome and confident and very wealthy, so it was easy for him. I dated a couple of girls in my year, but I was too afraid to tell them about my condition. It never lasted," he said. "But Sirius got bored of the girls. He and I got… close during our Sixth year. He already knew everything there was to know about me, so nothing to fear there. And he told me that I wasn't boring like the 'randy birds' were," said Remus.

I laughed, but muffled it with my hand. Remus was grinning, too.

"We started dating in secret at first, but then Lily found out. She would have kept our secret for us, if we wanted her to, but she really wanted us to tell James. She thought there was no reason to hide it from him. So, we did, and then we were just together," he said. "We were happy. After Hogwarts we moved in together into his uncle's flat. He had money, and I didn't have two Knuts to rub together. It was a dark and difficult time, those years, but we were very happy. We were happy for years, actually, until he started to drift away from me…"

"He thought you were spying on James and Lily for Voldemort," I offered.

"He did," said Remus sadly. "At the time, I thought maybe he just didn't love me anymore."

"How could he not?" I asked.

Remus paused and looked at me carefully. It was like he'd just realized who he was talking to, and I was afraid he would stop talking, but he didn't.

"It was hard for me when he went to Azkaban. I thought my boyfriend had betrayed and murdered the rest of my friends. It was utterly devastating. And then, I was left alone. I had no one," he said.

I couldn't stop myself from reaching out a hand and placing it over his.

"The night he came back to me was the best night of my entire life," he said. "Despite the fact that I almost killed you and Harry and Ron."

He gave a little self-deprecating chuckle, and I gave him my best "well, what can you do?" sort of shrug.

"We picked right back up where we left off. And we had twelve years of catching up to do," he said deviously. "So you can imagine it was sometimes a challenge to convince Sirius to keep his hands to himself."

I laughed. It felt good to talk to him, to feel like his equal. He hadn't moved his hand away from mine. I remembered how tender he had been with Sirius that night at Grimmauld Place, how obvious it was that they trusted each other, had decades of history with each other, and loved each other.

"I'm so sorry," I said, giving his hand a squeeze. "I'm sorry you lost him."

"We all lost him," said Remus, shaking his head. "Harry lost the closest thing to a father he's ever had. Dora lost her cousin, the only real relative she had left. And everyone knew Sirius and I were friends from Hogwarts, but everyone's lost a friend from Hogwarts. I've been so busy comforting everyone else…"

"That no one's been comforting you," I finished for him.

He smiled sadly at me.

"I'm sorry for what you lost," I said. "And I'm sorry you've got no one else to talk to about it."

He stared at me for long moment. Then, he brought a hand up to my face and cupped my cheek. I couldn't help but hold my breath. My stomach was doing somersaults and my skin was tingling everywhere. It was all I could do not to nuzzle into his hand. He smiled at me again.

"Thank you," he said, seriously.

The hustle and bustle of wedding preparation still buzzed in the surrounding rooms, but it felt like we were alone. I wished he would lean in and kiss me. I wished he would say, "Of course I'll be leaving Tonks for you, what was I thinking?" I wished, but it wasn't to be. He let go of my face and gave my hand a final squeeze. For some reason, I felt embarrassed. I put my hands in my lap nervously.

"Well, I'd better get back to tidying," I said. "You wouldn't want me to go and tell Mrs. Weasley you've kept me from my chores."

"You wouldn't do that to an old man," Remus said smiling.

"No, I would never," I said with a laugh. "But I'd do it to you."

His expression changed, like he was taking a measure of me as a woman, not as a schoolgirl.

"You know, you'll make a man very lucky one day," he said.

Why not you? I thought, but instead I just gave him a smile and stood from the sofa. I knew I was about to embark on a dangerous quest with Harry and Ron. I knew I might not return, and I knew that everyone I loved would be in danger while I was gone. I knew that my schoolgirl crush on Remus Lupin had evolved to a deep respect, an intellectual longing, and a hint of lust. Yet, I also knew that Remus belonged to another woman. I knew that he did not want me like I wanted him.

And suddenly, for the first time, I didn't want to know at all.

AN: I haven't decided if I want to expand on this and go full AU with an RL/HG story. If you like it, maybe I will!