Peace and quiet rang through the gray walls of the Church as Hamlet tiptoed through the monastery to find the man who killed his father, Claudius.
As he continued down the halls, he saw Claudius on his knees, praying for forgiveness for his sins.
Hamlet felt only rage in his heart as he reached his hand over and felt his sword in his sheathe. It was the perfect tool for sending his hated uncle to Hell.
As Claudius kneeled at the altar, he uttered the words "Oh, my offence is rank. It smells to Heaven. It hath the primal eldest curse upon't, a brother's murder. Pray can I not. Though inclination be as sharp as will, My stronger guilt defeats my strong intent, and, like a man to double business bound, I stand in pause where I shall first begin, and both neglect. What if this cursed hand were thicker than itself with brother's blood? Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavens to wash it white as snow? Whereto serves mercy but to confront the visage of offence? And what's in prayer but this twofold force, to be forestalled ere we come to fall or pardoned being down? Then I'll look up. My fault is past. But oh, what form of prayer can serve my turn, "Forgive me my foul murder""? (Translation: I killed my brother, please forgive me God)
Claudius then began to sob uncontrollably and continued praying while Hamlet watched in pure and utter hatred.
Hamlet then proceeded to draw his sword with the intent on stabbing Claudius in the back, but stopped for a second as he began to think of the implications.
"Now might I do it pat. Now he is a-praying. And now I'll do't And so he goes to Heaven and so am I revenged.-That would be scanned. A villain kills my father, and, for that, I his sole son, do this same villain send to heaven. Oh, this is hire and salary, not revenge. He took my father grossly, full of bread, with all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May. And how his audit stands who knows save heaven? But in our circumstance and course of thought 'tis heavy with him. And then I then revenged to take him in the purging of his soul when he is fit and seasoned for his passage? No. Up, sword, and know thou a more horrid hent. When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage, or in th'incestuous pleasure of his bed, at game a-swearing, or about some act that has no relish of salvation in 't- then trip him, that his heels may kick at heaven, and that his soul may be damned and black as hell, whereto it goes. My mother stays, this physic but prolongs thy sickly days." (Translation: If I kill him, he'll just go to Heaven and that would be terrible revenge, so I'll kill him when he's doing something truly bad instead)
Hamlet sheathed his sword and turned to leave, but as he began to go, he looked back one last time at the mourning Claudius and began to remember all the great times he had with his father that were stolen by his wretched uncle.
"Oh fuck it" said Hamlet before pulling out his sword once again and running towards Claudius. This time, Hamlet actually sliced Claudius's back open with such precision that Toshiro Mifune would be impressed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" yelled Claudius as blood sprayed out of his back like a garden hose while Hamlet smoked a cigar made of the souls of a thousand virgin wenches.
"Doth thou feel it now Mr. Krabs?" said Hamlet in the single most condescending voice he could conjure up.
Claudius continued screaming but soon his screaming turned to laughter as Hamlet asked "what doth a strumpet like yourself findeth so funny?"
Strumpet actually means whore, now you have a new insult to call people without getting in trouble. You're welcome.
Claudius stopped laughing and said "by destroying my mortal shell, you've allowed me to ascend to my true celestial form. I'm so powerful that I can talk normally instead of that weird and retarded way you and everyone else does."
"Well the joke is on you, I was only pretending to be retarded" said Hamlet confidently.
"So your vocabulary skills have improved, too bad it won't help you escape from your fate" said Claudius.
Claudius's body began to morph and change as he began to shed his mortal coil and embrace his true power.
"PREPARE TO MEET THE ONE TRUE FORM OF CLAUDIUS" declared the killer of Hamlet's father!
Hamlet was casually eating a bag of Cheetos and said "sure whatever" in between bites.
Claudius created a purple energy cocoon around him as he prepared to turn into his true form, while Hamlet was sitting down playing his Game Boy for the entire transformation.
The energy cocoon swelled and inflated before bursting as Claudius now stood there, his transformation finally completed after all this time.
Claudius smiled as he stood there triumphantly. He was now 5'3 in height, and his skin was now a green hue. His arms and legs resembled noodles while his eyes now rested on the very top of his head. Instead of a sword in his sheathe, there now lay a banjo in its place.
Claudius had now become Kermit the Frog.
Kermit unsheathed his banjo and used it to create a purple ball of energy before saying "now Hamlet, watch as I unravel this world atom by atom while you're helpless to do anything about it"
Hamlet just stood there picking his nose and asked "are you talking to me?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" yelled Kermit in anger as he began firing balls of dark energy at Hamlet in order to obliterate the future king.
Hamlet dodged these energy balls in the blink of an eye before rapidly zooming towards Kermit and socking him in the face, sending the Muppet flying across the room and crashing through the concrete walls of the church.
As Kermit fell to grassy plain, Hamlet jumped out and joined his adversary, his fiery desire to kill having not diminished in the slightest.
"That was for my father" said Hamlet before winding up another fist and punching Kermit again, causing copious amounts of blood to leak out of Kermit's mouth.
"That was for my kingdom" said Hamlet as he wound up both fists and punched Kermit in the face and stomach at the same time creating a bloody hole in Kermit's stomach.
"And that's because Meet the Feebles is the superior raunchy puppet comedy compared to The Happytime Murders" said Hamlet matter-of-factly.
"I wasn't even in that movie" said Kermit while spitting up blood.
"All you puppets look the same to me" said Hamlet as he reached into his sheathe and pulled out his level 68 buster sword.
Kermit attempted to create another blast of dark energy, but Hamlet stopped him by grabbing his banjo and slamming it down on the ground, causing the banjo to break in half and for Kermit's spell to be broken.
Hamlet then yelled "OMNISLASH" before using his buster sword to attack Kermit. Hamlet unleashed a barrage of strikes against the dark lord before chopping him into 150 bite sized pieces.
As the meat cubes of Kermit fell to the ground, Hamlet sheathed his sword and snapped his fingers before saying "you're done living." As he said that, a gigantic mushroom cloud explosion erupted behind him and wiped Kermit off the face of the planet.
Hamlet then took a PS2 copy of Marvel: Rise of the Imperfects, and tossed it into the sun.
"I hate Canadians" said Hamlet before turning into a giant piece of sushi and flew away.