Megamind was a lot of things; a genius, handsome, he had an amazing fashion sense, and was wealthy and powerful beyond imagination. What he wouldn't consider himself was lucky, not by any definition of the word, unless he was being very sarcastic.
like for example, oh you have escaped from prison, but there was a miscommunication and now your ride is on the other side of the city, lucky me.
or, you took your spare clothes you had stashed in the garage last time and didn't replace them, so now you're stuck trying to not be noticed in prison orange, lucky me.
or…oh fucking second circle no, your damsel walks in looking like sex and sin and any number of unholy things while your in a prison fucking orange jumpsuit. Lucky fucking me.
There was a fundraiser today, Megamind knew that, it was for a charity. It was the reason he chose to break out on this day, everyone would be distracted. Miss. Ritchie had been talking about it for weeks, her and her boyfriend's mother would be participating.
It was an vintage car auction, across the street from the garage he found himself stowed away in, he had been hoping to grab the reporter on his way back to the lair, but again Minion wouldn't be here for a while.
However, she failed to mention on air that she would be dressed like a pin up, tight blue tank top, flaring white shorts that did amazing things for her already ample hips, and simple blue pumps that accentuated her long bare legs. He wasn't one of those people who attached meaning to color, he would guarantee that the others participating were dressed similarly in shades of red, white, and blue for the patriotism of the event…in fact he could vaguely remember seeing metro meatheads rich mother walking around in something similar in white. That was unimportant background information for his brain to chew over of course, because the most important thing was what the color blue did to Roxa- Miss. Ritchi's eyes.
Human eyes were amazingly reflective, it was just more noticeable with lighter colors and his damsel was no exception. Green made her eyes look like brackish waters, stormy and dangerous. When she wore white they glittered like polished agate. Black turned them into a shade of blue sapphires would envy and that haunted his dreams, but blue?
when she wore blue her eyes reflected the light of shining cerulean seas, lapping at black shores, threatening to consume…oh no he was waxing poetically, he really needed to look away from the constellation of tears glittering on her black lashes like diamo-
wait what?
He backtracked looking at her. Really looking this time, not just ogling like a creepy pervert. Tears were collected in her eyes and she was furiously trying to bat them away without ruining the camera read make-up. Her bold lipstick was smudged at the corner of her mouth that was twisted in an angry grimace. She looked furious as she stalked around the garage, pulling a tarp back to reveal a glossy red 66' Corvette.
She passed that one up for another tarp, a glossy black 67' Chevrolet Impala. She passed it too, checking under tarps until she found a mat black 68' Plymouth Barracuda. Then on that one she tried the handle, groaning when the door didn't open.
"I swear to God Wayne if I find out you didn't actually have an emergency to go to and you just ditched me, I will fucking tell Megamind every single fucking one of your secrets starting with Beverly from vegas!" She yelled threatening the air, then she jerked up a screwdriver and knelt next to the Barracuda and started trying to…pop the lock open.
Oh, he had to do something. Something very strange was going on right now and he…well he was here and he was intrigued. So, quietly as he could he slid from his hiding space and crept up to lean against the car, just out of her peripheral vision as she tried and failed to jimmy- oh she was just trying to bust the lock open, clever. He reclined back lazily, even in the ugly orange he could still carry himself with some semblance of dignity.
"Speak of the devil and he shall- fuck!" He gasped, grabbing Miss. Ritchi around the wrist. If he hadn't been raised in prison, he might have missed the flick of her wrist as she turned the screwdriver from a tool to a weapon, swinging it back and towards his abdomen.
"Sor- actually you know what Megamind, no. If you think you can kidnap me before I get in this god-damned car and get a mother fucking cigarette, then I will throw an absolute bitch-fit and you won't even get through your monologue! That's the kinda fucking day I'm having right now, do you understand?" She grit out angrily.
"I…well that was a commendable attempt at a shanking, Miss. Ritchi, but" he started leveraging her wrist back so that the screwdriver rolled into his other palm without hurting her, not really, he never wanted to really hurt her. "One. Prison, not my first ro-dio. Two far be it from me to stand between you and an addictive carcinogen. Three just thought I would offer assistance in exchange for that information you were leveraging." He joked.
It was a joke of course he didn't expect anything at all for pressing the screwdriver into the lock and popping it hard with his palm, breaking the mechanism. He especially did not expect for a door opening in the garage to send Roxanne scrambling into the car, grabbing his wrist and pulling him into the driver's seat as she crawled across the bench seats and into the passenger side.
"Hurry and shut the door." She hissed quietly and well…he was already in the car so he shut the door, just in time for the two well dressed men in suits to walk on by, missing them in the dark tint of the cars windows.
"I think having tint this dark is actually illegal." He muttered, absently as Roxanne popped open the dash pulling out a pack of Marlboros.
"It is…this one doesn't run though. It wasn't part of the auction, it was supposed to be a place I could come get a break from the fucking vultures but no it just had to be fucking locked…also you didn't see these and I quite a year ago." She muttered, pulling a cigarette from the pack that had a little bic lighter stuffed down in the pack with the rest of the cigarettes.
"My silence on the matter could easily be bought." He replied, grabbing himself one from the pack and holding it out for her to either light, or take back. She only had five left, so he would be fine either way. She flicked the flint though and leaned towards him, so that she could light both with one flame.
That…didn't take his breath away, not at all. He was completely unaffected by Roxanne Ritchi, leaning towards him, sharing an indirect kiss through flame, and smoke, and haze (like fire and powder which as they kiss consume) His brain supplied unhelpfully; in the dark secret hideaway of a 69' muscle car, while she was dressed the way she was, with her eyes looking the way they were. He drew in a breath inhaling the same heat that she was, and he began to pray…for what who knows, maybe a meteor. Hell Metro man at this point wouldn't be unwelcome, just something to distract from the smooth curve of Roxanne's neck, and collarbones and cleavage as she leaned back over the seat to inhale, breathing in with her whole body, Second circle poisoning yourself shouldn't be so erotic, Then exhaling, going boneless against the seat.
"Didn't know you smoked…I never smell it on you, and it kinda lingers, this top is gonna smell like cigarettes until I wash it, and even that might not get it out." She started conversationally, prompting him to bring the smoke to his lips and inhale, so that he had time to remember how to convert his thoughts into spoken language.
"I don't often, but it can be useful to fish for information in the prisons…there's a code about smoking buddies it can come in useful."
"I think smoke buddies is a thing even outside of prison." She replied, lazily, almost like she didn't care about who her current company was. "At least when I started in college it was a thing…like I had this group of friends that I only ever hung out with when we were smoking between classes, but I a hundred percent think that they all would have thrown hands if I needed anything and vice versa."
"Is that an offer?" He asked, arching his eyebrow up, making her puff out a smokey laugh and open the built in ashtray that all the older cars seemed to have.
"Ya know what sure, If Wayne comes to get you in the few minutes it will take us to finish this smoke then I'll fuck him up."
"Of course, the same goes to whoever made you cry." He replied theatrically, but she gasped, glaring at him before taking another deep drag from her cigarette.
"I wasn't crying." She snapped.
"I…no Sorry, my mistake." He replied, taking a draw of his own to punctuate his agreement.
"I'm serious." She replied.
"I know. I'm agreeing with you."
"Yeah but you're doing it in that way that means you're just agreeing to placate me, and it's annoying me."
"Then take another puff and chill out." He replied, twirling a figure eight with his own cherry, to his delight she snorted and rolled her eyes.
"Whatever you say mr. neon fucking orange- where the hell were you even hiding in that anyway?" She demanded, taking another long drag.
"I have my ways…most of them involve horribly nefarious means." He assured her, dropping his voice to a sultry whisper, letting his eyes obviously rove over her, just part of the game, part of playing, but he stuttered at the red handprint coming up on her forearm, he had missed it from his vantage point, hadn't seen it when she kneeled down by the car it had been on her other side, and when they were sat in the dark together he was actively trying (and failing) not to look over her body, but now that he had seen it he couldn't unsee it.
Her smudged lipstick, razor sharp diamonds glittering in her angry eyes, and now this.
"Miss. Ritchi, I am quite serious though, going back to prison would be a trivial matter if you want me to…inform certain individuals about the unwiseness of laying hands on someone who dose not want to be touched." He said, smoke curling out of his mouth in a dark promise of poison and pain, twisting in the air as if branding it with his word, signing a contract yet to be written.
"I…no" She gritted out, her eyes hardening, as she stabbed out her smoke in the ashtray. "No, we arn't fucking doing this! You are going to ignore all of this." She said, gesturing to herself. "You are going to finish that cigarette and then we are going to have a normal kidnapping and it will be the most normal part of my mother fucking day, and…a-and. Fucking damn it Megamind, we don't…I'm not some kind of helpless….I might be a damsel but i'm not, I don't need…we don't…ahhh-" She yelled her frustration into the roof of the old plymouth. Bringing her hands up over her eyes, not caring about the mascara anymore.
Megamind snubbed out his own nub of a cigarette and pulled two more from her pack, he would replace them later.
"You're right, you aren't" helpless, weak, someone who needs saving. "We aren't." The kinds of people who do that for each other. In that kind of relationship. I'm not even the hero, who do I think I am offering to defend her honor or something. "We are going to have a normal kidnapping." I'm going to get you away from here. "But, First, at the moment I believe that we are smoke buddies and we have a cigarette to finish." He replied, lighting both in one breath, pausing when he realized she might not want one his mouth had touched. She took it anyway and he had to swallow down a whine when she brought it to her lips and drew in deeply.
"Thanks." She muttered bitterly, smoke curling from her lips in obscene twists and spirals.
"Anytime." He replied, pulling fire into his lungs to starve the inferno roaring in his heart. Seventh circle he wanted to break into someone for making her feel…hell he didn't even know what she was feeling, but he didn't like it because she didn't like it.
They made her cry.
She fished under the bench seats and pulled out a bottle of liquor, twisting off the cap with her smoking hand and letting it fall to the floor so she could drink from the bottle.
"Wanna swig?" She asked, her voice sounding raw, and he was able to imagine it was just from the smoke and the burn of the whisky she was offering out to him, twisted so he could see the label.
"...have you ever been to prison, Miss. Ritchi?" He asked teasingly, as he took the bottle. Human liquor didn't have the same effect on him that it did on humans, but it was more for the ritual of the moment that he took the drink. He wasn't sure what it was, but they were having…some kind of moment here, in the smoky haze of a car that didn't run and wasn't street legal…a car that they had broken into, though he supposed she had been allowed in it, but he preferred to think of it as the car they broke into together, it was just…some kind of something and he wasn't sure what, but he was willing to go along for the ride.
She rolled her moonlite ocean blue eyes, and gestured with the cherry of her cigarette towards him. "Nope. plus, I don't think the uniforme matches my eyes." she teased reaching for the bottle when he passed it back into her hands. She took a shot from the bottle and followed it with a drag from her cigarette, Megamind found himself in the best kind of hell. Stealing this moment, drinking and smoking, taking a sip from the lip of the bottle and finding it still damp from her mouth. Knowing she was having a horrible time and that if she could have been here with anyone else or by herself she would have, but he had somehow stolen this moment, and because he was a villain he wasn't going to give it up.
"Music would make this perfect." he mused, only to find her phone suddenly shoved at him with a streaming app open.
"You DJ, I'm just vibing." She said, as if this whole situation was normal, as he traded the bottle for the phone.
"Fate will decide then." He replied, showing her that he simply pushed shuffle on her master playlist and sat the phone up on the dash. When the first beats of a hard gallop started up he jerked the phone back down to look at what his exclusive kidnapee had stowed away on her phone. She laughed as his eye brows crept up and the hard beath of the metal kicked in with words about the evolutionary progress of war machines, building better and better mechanisms of death.
"Miss. Ritchi, where have you been hiding this!?" He demanded gesturing his cigarette towards the phone questioningly, "Do you actually know this or is it on here by accident?" He asked half jokingly, but then she reached for the phone, putting it back on the dash and replacing it with the whisky before she opened her mouth and belted the chorus, smoke curling around her, the smell of whisky on her breath.
"Flers–Courcelette showed the way
Evolution leading to
El-Alamein until today
We're the first ones into the fray
Steel Commanders
Rule the battlefield
Spearhead Flanders
Tankers leading the
Storm of panzers
Battle calling the
Steel Commanders"
She trailed off into fits of giggling as his mouth fell open. Definitely hell, He tipped the bottle up to his lips, the closest thing he could get to tasting the fiery words from her mouth, catching the haze from her lungs and breathing it in, floating in this moment thats both the best it could ever be and an absolute torment designed just for him…maybe she did manage to shank him, maybe it hit his heart and he died and now this is his hell and it will never end, it will just be this intoxicating limbo of amazing and he isn't supposed to be there, and she looks so good and sounds so good, but whoever grabbed her must have thought so to.
Her hand brushed his clumsily as she grabbed to get the bottle back and that tiny brush felt so good, but probably wouldn't happen again unless he tried to make it happen, and how could he do that she was getting intoxicated trusting him of all people not to take advantage. him! For Evil's sake.
Hell.
This was his own personal circle of hell. The door to the garage opened again and he was content to ignore it, until Roxanne stiffened next to him, all the languide ease leaving her body as a voice called out,
"Hey, Roxi-roo? You in here?" Her cameraman poked around tripping over some tools, before cursing and creeping out. Megamind knew he shouldn't ask, but he couldn't stop himself.
"Was he the one who…?" He asked trailing off, but the rest of the question was obvious. Roxanne drew in another lung full of poison so that her wrath could be given form as she huffed out a frustrated,
"Yeah, one of them."
Megamind was a lot of things, a genius for one. When you had a brain like his it was hard not to be considered a genius when surrounded by creatures whose minds just worked differently. Now his big brain was reminding him that he was in fact, dead and in hell. Because he could very much imagine assailants outnumbering Miss. Ritchi, one behind her leaving the marks on her forearms, one doing whatever had smudged her makeup while she tried to pull away with nowhere to go, and her cameraman who he had heard on occasion making unwanted advances on her groping her while the other two-
"Miss. Ritchi, I think I'm going to be sick." He muttered, the cherry of his cigarette jittering as his hands shook.
She jerked the bottle away, gesturing towards the window, "Not in the car!"
"N-not in the car!? Miss. Ritchi, Roxanne! You…you can't just…you just said one of them…meaning there was more then one and you're worried about the fucking car!?" He demanded.
He. Was. In. Hell.
"Well…it wasn't…Hal grabbed my ass and tried to kiss me, The mayor decided to give me a 'kiss for the camera,' a rich lawyer grabbed my arm and tried to cop a feel, and I have been cat called all fucking day…it wasn't…like you don't need to look like that." She said, passing him back the bottle, as another hard metal song came to a crashing end and was replaced by a slow twangy galop. Rock, metal, or apparently country Miss. Ritchi had a thing for gallops in her music.
"Miss. Ritchi…that…that doesn't make it okay, just because it wasn't-'' The horror show, still playing behind his eyelids, making him inhale deeply of the poison he had in his hand to try and kill the itch he felt under his skin. Nine circles he wanted to do something wholly and truly evil. "Just because it wasn't the worst it could have been doesn't mean that it's okay." He settled on, unable to find the words but hopping the exasperated puff of smoke between them would convey something he couldn't.
"Hence why I'm drinking and smoking with you, instead of going back out there. Thanks for this, by the way." She replied, turning her back to him and then flopping back against him, forcing him to recline against the seat and the door. She took another draw from her cigarette, passing him the bottle and he started to speak, but found he couldn't as the words playing caught his attention. He turned the bottle up as his ears went pink at the pointed tips, hopefully out of her line of sight.
"My heroes dress in black
Well I know my soul is on fire
As I turn this withered shade of gray
And I find, on my way to death and happiness
That my heroes, my heroes dress in black"
"Any time." He replied, stiffly, passing her back the bottle and bringing his own cigarette to his lips over her head carefully.
"So when is our ride getting here?"
"So I pray to my God for salvation
As I suffer these wicked outlaw ways
And I turn to those I pass upon my reckoning
Cause my heroes, my heroes dress in black."
"Should be here soon, maybe another twenty." He replied, accepting the bottle as she passed it over her shoulder, still reclining against his body with a languid ease that should have been illegal even in hell.
"Another twenty? Why's he so far away?" She asked curiously, letting the smoke curl up, writing obscenely dark promises in the hazy air between them, perfumed by liquor and sweat from this close. He stretched his arm with the cigarette out over the back of the leather seats, readjusting, before he answered,
"He's just coming from the other side of the metropolis."
"I'm not crushing you, am I?" She asked, quietly and he tipped the bottle up, wishing it was something that could affect him, because she was, just not physically. Her presence, her trust, her fire and flame and smoke curling around her hand like a caress as she reclined against him, the taste of her on the bottle they were sharing while the fucking song crooned on.
"I'll shoot you down
Your lord I forsake
Forgivenesss for all, my soul be saved
My heroes dress in black."
"No, Miss. Ritchi, you're fine…I do hope I'm not going to get you into any trouble?"
"Don't know what you mean." She replied, snatching her bottle back.
"I think that…this might look a little inappropriate, I wouldn't want your boyfriend to get the wrong idea." He said swallowing as she tipped the bottle up, her head leaning back further on his shoulder so he could see the pail column of her throat move as she swallowed. He tried to shift his legs again, one was stretched out in the floor while the other had been folded up on the seat as he smoked. He made an attempt to stretch the folded one out along the leather seat, settling Roxanne's body between his long limbs.
"I don't have a boyfriend. Been single since I moved to Metro City." She slurred.
"My heroes dress in black
My heroes dress in black
My heroes dress in black
My heroes dress in black
My heroes dress in black"
Hell. He was in hell. Roxanne Ritchi was single, and leaning bonelessly against him, looking like sex and sin, and her ocean eyes were on him while the music crooned away. And she had just been accosted by so many men, grabbing at her and forcing their mouths to hers, but she was here looking so soft and comfortable.
"B-Because of Beverly from Vegas?" He asked shakily, finishing up his cigarette. Roxanne blushed brightly.
"Oh, my god, please don't say anything, you weren't supposed to hear that." She gasped, letting ash fall down over the seat. And he couldn't help it, everything was just so surreal.
He laughed, "Miss. Ritchi, I always knew he was stupid, but wow. That's a new one."
"No, common look. I…I can tell you he didn't cheat on me we weren't together at that time either, fuck I'd say we were never really together. We went on maybe one date to try it out since the media said we were together anyway, but we just never clicked like that. So he didn't cheat on me, just please please please don't mention it." She twisted so she could look at him, in his lap pleading with him.
Please no. No no no.
He grabbed the cigarette from her hand, it was down to the filter anyway, and put it out in the ashtray. "Well you were still smoking when you asked, so I suppose I could honor the request. I am deeply curious though."
"Then you'll just have to be curious." She replied, rolling her eyes, and getting comfortable, kneeling between his long legs. "Now are you going to share that bottle or hog it the rest of the time you're here."
"Don't you think you've had enough? You might be drunk on camera at this rate." He said, as a deep base thrummed from Roxanne's phone. Something vaguely jazz sounding with no vocals.
"Wouldn't be the first time and I can just blame the knockout spray." She said with a mischievous smirk. The instrumental strummed along in the background and Megamind was losing his magnificent mind.
"My knockout spray doesn't have an intoxication effect." He replied, moving the bottle away from her probing fingers.
"You, me and Minion are probably the only people that know that though." She said, forcing a laugh from his lungs.
"And if I don't hand it over what will you do?" He asked, his mouth ticking up in a challenge, though really he should have known better than to challenge Roxanne.
She smiled at him in a way that was all spite and fire, in the hazy interior of the car. She placed both hands on his shoulders and leaned forward letting her chest brush his and in a sultry whisper, so close he could feel the breath brushing his ear said,
"Please Megamind. I really, really want you to give it to me."
Ahhhhhhhh
He gently removed her hands from his shoulders and pressed the bottle into them.
"Ha! Don't test me if that's all the fight you're going to put up." She cheered, happily taking a sip.
"Miss. Ritchi, I would ask you to refrain from teasing me that way…really it's just vulgar…unprofessional." He listed, knowing that her eyes were on his brightly blushing face.
"Too far?" She asked, passing the bottle back.
"What?"
"Well…we normally tease each other but, ya now if that one was too far you can tell me." She said, shrugging like she was having a normal conversation about boundaries with a normal person and not a blue, alien, supervillain.
"I…yes just a bit." He admitted shyly.
"Alright, thanks for telling me. Can I still lean back against you?" She asked casually as the instrumental ended and another song started up.
"We're done smoking, but if you were comfortable, then go right ahead." He said, though he really should have said no, she gave him the perfect out and he didn't take it.
"I fucking love this song." She said, offering him the bottle again. They had drank through a third of it by themselves, that seemed like quite a was taking larger drinks though because he didn't need to worry about getting drunk.
"Hmm I don't think I've heard it before." He admitted turning up the bottle and nearly choking as Roxanne started to sing along, reclining her head back over his shoulder.
"Black velvet and that little boy's smile
Black velvet with that slow southern style
A new religion that'll bring ya to your knees
Black velvet if you please"
"...Miss. Ritchi, you're killing me." He groaned out over the top of her head. He couldn't even accuse her of doing it on purpose, he had picked the playlist and clicked shuffle, he was getting exceptionally lucky today. It just happened to be bad luck.
Lucky me.
"What do you mean?" She asked quietly, as she vibed with the music.
Thankfully he never had to explain himself, because just then Minion called.
"I'm going to have to reach over you for a second Miss. Ritchi." He warned, semi wrapping his arms around her to twist his watch and answer. He might have kept them there longer than needed, but he survived his time in hell, he could savor this as long as she would allow it.
"Sir, I'm at the garage now, I didn't see Miss. Ritchi on the way in though." His henchfish explained, making Roxanne snicker in his arms and twist the cap back into her bottle.
"I've already been captured for the evening." She supplied before Megamind could.
"Yes, I have the damsel. Open the backdoor and we'll make a run for it." Megamind added.
"Yes sir!" Minion dutifully replied, ending the call on his end.
"I'm just the damsel now?" Roxanne jokes from his lap.
"Smoke buddy time is sadly over, back to supervillain and damsel sans the distress." He answered sternly, drawing himself out of whatever moment they were having and into his roll. "...however, I wouldn't be opposed to this not being a one time thing." He added almost shyly.
"Yeah, next time I'm having an absolute melt down, I'll be sure to leave the door unlocked for you." She replied, sounding sarcastic, but there was a softness to her smile that told him that if he tried the handle of this old barracuda the next time his damsel disappeared then he might just find it unlocked, with her inside.
"Looking forward to it, now, say pepper spray!" He said loudly as he opened the door, reaching his hand out behind him.
"Say wha-" she didn't have time to finish her thought, she was already falling asleep.
"Thank you Minion!" He said happily, moving out of the way so that Minion could get her into the back of the invisible car. The fish stopped though as Megamind walked past him, sniffing the air through the sensors on his suit.
"Sir…I was under the impression that you quit." His henchmen said, his fins doing that wilty thing they did when he was disappointed.
"I did…around the same time Miss. Ritchi did, actually. " He said, shrugging like he didn't care. "Figured I couldn't let the damsel out bad me. I have a reputation to uphold after all." He said sitting down in the front seat while Minion handled everything out. "Oh don't forget to grab Miss. Ritchie's phone!" He called out the window, smoke and whisky and crooning music still at the forefront of his mind.
Everything blurred together into gibberish in his head. He definitely needed a drink when they got back to the lair. He was still twisted up inside, happy to come to her resc-
Offer his evil knowledge in breaking into cars. After she has been accosted to the point of tears…then she leaned against him smiling warmly and looking so comfortable despite what had happened and who she had been with.
"Ready to go, sir?" Minion asked cheerfully.
"Of course. Please let's get out of here." He answered as the music kept playing in his head.
A new religion that'll bring them to their knees.
Black Velvet if you please.
I'll shoot you down
Your lord I forsake
Forgiveness for all, my soul be saved
My heroes dress in black.
We're the first ones into the fray
Steel Commanders
storm of panzers
Steel commanders
My heros, my heros dress in black.
"Oh and Minion, is the mayor still at the auction?" He added.
"I believe so sir."
"Good. We're going to do a little show of force as it would be…some people need to be reminded what he happens when they touch things that don't belong to them." He said, thoughts drifting back to what Roxanne had said in the car. She didn't say she wanted it, but perhaps he could make it look like a coincidence that they targeted the people they did. It would be in the visits he was planning after that they would find out exactly why he switched his target to the charity event.
He would have to make up for it by donating a considerable amount of money though…he did have a thing for vintage cars…maybe he could even put an offer down on, say a 68' Plymouth Barracuda that isn't street legal and doesn't run.
That would work.
(Songs used for the fic:
Steel commanders by Sabaton
Heros dress in black by Blues Saraceno
Black Velvet by Alannah Myles)