Chapter 7
Alina stood in the courtyard to greet Mal as he returned with Tamar and Nadia from another run for some special books for David.
"How's Nikolai?" Tamar asked.
"He's putting on the brave persona," Alina answered. But she could see the cracks in it.
Tamar and Nadia headed inside with the stack of books, while Mal hung back with Alina.
"And how are you holding up?" he asked her.
She shrugged. "We've been going about as though nothing is wrong, and it's working for the most part." She shook her head. "I value the work I'm doing, getting Grisha and otkazat'sya to work together. It's what I want—a united Ravka, a better Ravka. For everyone. But the politics…it still amazes me all the intricacies required. I'm glad Nikolai is so good at it." The emotions she'd been fighting to keep under control bubbled up. "We cannot let the Shadow take him. This country needs him."
Mal reached out to touch her arm in comfort. "We're doing everything we can," he reminded her. "And Tolya believes this latest shipment of books are promising."
Alina took a deep breath and collected herself. Nikolai wasn't the only one putting on a brave front.
Speaking of the king, he sauntered out into the courtyard then with a hearty smile.
"Welcome back," he greeted.
Mal nodded in return.
"I'm tired of formal affairs," Nikolai went on. "Would you grant me your company at dinner tonight? I'm in dire need of conversation without pretense."
Alina smiled. "Of course."
"I even brought a treat back with us from Shu Han," Mal said with a grin. "Dragonfruit."
Nikolai's eyes lit up. "Excellent. I will see you then."
An hour later, they met in one of the private dining rooms. Tolya, Tamar, Nadia, Zoya, and Genya joined them as well.
"No David?" Alina asked.
"He couldn't be dragged away from his work," Genya replied with a sigh of fond exasperation.
"I hope you're taking care of him," Nikolai said. "Men sometimes don't know what's good for them." He flashed an interesting smile at Zoya with that comment, which raised Alina's eyebrow.
She shot her friend a piqued look across the table, which Zoya pointedly ignored.
Nikolai leaned back in his chair with a glass of wine and turned to Mal. "We haven't had a chance to talk about the Volkvolny. Tell me about Sturmhond's latest adventures. I must now live vicariously through you since hanging up the mantle."
Mal blushed slightly. "I've had to learn a lot, but Tolya and Tamar are good teachers."
The twins exchanged grins at that.
"We've been chasing down slaver ships," Mal went on. "Trying to find Inej's parents. And relieving those ships of their cargo along the way," he added with a smug grin. "We left her in command of the Volkvolny to continue that mission while we're here."
"Pirates robbing pirates," Zoya commented.
"Privateer," Mal corrected, then flicked a look at Nikolai. "There's a distinction."
Nikolai grinned brightly. "I love it when you quote me."
Alina beamed. She had missed this: lighthearted conversation and lively company. No show to put on, no roles to play. Just their genuine selves, bonded by friendship. She could almost forget about the shadow simmering beneath the surface, biding its time before snatching it all away again. Nikolai even ate some of the dragonfruit Mal brought, and he looked brighter than he had in days.
Yes, there was hope.
Nikolai retired to bed that night with a full heart, but it seemed the demon resented such feelings, because the night terrors hit him with overwhelming force. He dreamed of the monster clawing its way up out of his chest, ripping him apart from the inside out. Nikolai screamed and tried to escape, but he couldn't. The demon was him and he was it, and there was nowhere to go away from yourself.
He dragged himself down darkened corridors, tripping over mutilated corpses. He stumbled upon a mirror and saw his own face looking back, mouth streaked with blood. His eyes turned solid black.
Nikolai bolted upright choking for air, unable to get any into his lungs. His shoulder was on fire. Gasping, he tried to scramble from bed, but he was tangled in the sheets and ended up falling on the floor. The black scars on his hands shone like ink, and he couldn't see the mirror from where he fell. So he dragged himself across the floor to the foot of the bed where he could finally see part of himself in the full-length mirror. There were no fangs or talons or black eyes, but the shadow veins were spreading again, curling around his torso like barbed wire.
He tried to get up; he needed Alina, she could help him. But the pain that exploded through him brought him back down with a strangled gasp. He couldn't get enough oxygen to call for help or even scream. All he could do was fight to hold onto his mind as the demon clawed at him from the inside. Nikolai choked into the rug, half expecting those black talons to punch out of his chest and eviscerate him just like his dream.
I am Nikolai Lantsov. I am Nikolai Lantsov. He repeated it over and over, clinging to the mantra with every fiber of his being.
He vaguely heard pounding on his door, but it was muffled, like he was underwater. Then someone yelled his name, and Genya dropped down beside him.
"A-li-na, he managed to gasp out.
Genya jumped up and ran out of the room, and Nikolai curled his fingers into the rug, begging them not to sprout talons. He didn't know how long it was before Genya returned with Alina and Zoya.
"Mute the room," Alina barked.
Zoya moved her hands, deadening the air around them so the sound wouldn't carry. Alina knelt in front of Nikolai and summoned her light. She looked down at him with a grimace.
"This will hurt."
He knew; he remembered. "P-please," he begged.
She pushed the light into him, and he screamed as the two opposing forces once again exploded inside him. The sound echoed strangely as it bounced back at them, creating an echo chamber that vibrated in his ears and bones like thunder. The light blinded him, and it really was like being swallowed by the sun. The demon shrieked in frustration and receded. Alina extinguished the light, and Nikolai was left gasping and shuddering, his body singing with agony.
"Genya!"
The Tailor moved in and took Alina's place, now working her power over him. Nikolai was gradually able to draw oxygen into his lungs again, and the scorching inside his blood subsided somewhat. But he was utterly spent. Genya and Alina pulled him up with difficulty, and Zoya helped them maneuver him back onto the bed.
He flailed a hand over his chest, but he couldn't tell if the shadow veins were still there and he couldn't lift his head. "Is it…?"
"I burned it back again," Alina told him. "You'll be all right."
Her choice of words did not escape him. "But not completely?" he rasped.
Her mouth pinched with regret and she shook her head.
"What happened?" Zoya asked.
"He didn't answer when I came to check on him," Genya said. "So I let myself in and found him on the floor like that, the shadow spreading just as it had when he…changed the first time."
Zoya shifted her gaze to him, and he wondered if she was seeing the monster more than the man. "I'll cancel the meetings for today," she said. "I'll tell people the king has fallen ill but is being tended to by our best Healer."
"I'll let David and the others know what happened," Genya added. "See where their progress is."
She and Zoya left, leaving Nikolai and Alina alone. He was so exhausted he could barely keep his eyes open, so he let them slide shut, his breathing still a little ragged. The mattress dipped as Alina sat on the edge, and then her cool fingers were carding through his hair. Neither of them spoke. Nikolai began to shiver, and she shifted to straighten the sheets and blankets, pulling them up to cover his bare chest.
"Does it hurt you?" he asked hoarsely, struggling to open his eyes so he could see her face. "When the shadow fights back?"
She frowned. "No." After a brief pause, she lowered her voice and resumed stroking his hair back from his forehead. "Not the way it hurts you."
He closed his eyes and let himself be lulled by her gentle touch, the only balm against the burn still radiating throughout his body.
Despite Genya's repeated attempts at healing, Nikolai ended up bedridden for the next two days. His friends took turns sitting with him, never leaving him alone. He didn't know if it was mostly out of concern or partly to stand guard in case the Shadow made another swift comeback. It was probably both, though he tried not to think too hard about it. He was the king of Ravka. He was a deadly threat.
When it was Zoya's turn, she brought him a cup of mashed berries and milk.
"You were able to enjoy the dragonfruit," she said. "So I thought this might be easy to get down."
Nikolai sipped it tentatively and was surprised that it tasted sweet and filling. "Thank you. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty."
"Looking after my king is my duty," she replied with that typical tone, but there was a touch of something softer in her eyes when she said it.
Once he regained his strength enough, Alina tried a daily dose of sun summoning to keep the shadow at bay. It was shorter to endure but just as painful. Nikolai managed to bear it for a few days, but even though the shadow wound stayed dormant in his shoulder, the pain was getting worse and worse, until finally she had barely touched him with her sun summoning and it burned like acid.
"Stop," he gasped brokenly. "Please stop."
Alina jerked her hands back in concern and exchanged worried looks with the others, who happened to be present.
"It's working, though," Tamar put in.
Nikolai shook his head. "I can't. It's too much."
There was another round of uncertain silence.
"Is that you talking or the demon?" Alina carefully asked.
It was him, he wanted to say, but it still hurt too much to speak at the moment. And in truth, he didn't know. The sun summoning caused him pain. It caused the demon pain. They were one and the same.
Nikolai recalled how he'd kept the wound secret for so long. David had told him his theory about that, and it horrified him to know this thing inside him could influence him like that without even physically manifesting. He knew that was what they were all concerned about now, that the demon was resisting Alina's power because she could hurt it. But she couldn't kill it, couldn't burn it out completely.
Which meant Nikolai remained a sleeper threat to everyone around him, to his country. It was time to stop pretending they could continue this charade and start making plans to secure Ravka's future.
After the failed sun summoning "treatment" that morning, Nikolai had asked them all to leave, which of course had only made them more worried about the demon's attempts to take control again. Tamar and Nadia had decided to remain outside Nikolai's room to stand guard yet still give him privacy. Alina didn't know what else to do. She hated hurting Nikolai, but letting the shadow infection grow stronger also hurt him severely. There was just no win in this scenario.
Nadia came to find her to tell her Nikolai had asked to see her in his private study, so she headed that way. She met Mal in the hall outside where Tamar stood.
"He asked to see us both?" Alina asked.
Tamar nodded and knocked on the door.
"Come in."
Alina and Mal entered, and Tamar shut the door behind them, remaining outside with Nadia.
Nikolai sat at his desk. Despite being back on his feet, he was sickly pale and hunched over. Gaunt lines were beginning to show in his face.
He looked up at their entrance and waved them over. "We must wed immediately," he said without preamble.
Alina's mouth dropped open at that, and Mal visibly stiffened.
Nikolai didn't seem to notice and went on, "Alina will be officially crowned Queen of Ravka. Then we'll arrange some kind of accident to explain my death. Or perhaps a mysterious disease. Something Alina can't be blamed for. You don't need to deal with accusations of killing the king right after taking the throne. Or the Grisha; I don't want them blamed either. We're already at war, but exacerbating things by intimating Fjerda or Shu Han assassinated the king could be disastrous for Ravka. Maybe one of my inventions," he barreled on, getting to his feet and beginning to pace. "I can rig something to go wrong."
"What- stop!" Alina interrupted, alarmed by this uncharacteristic rambling, not to mention the content of it. "What are you talking about?!"
"You two will have to wait a while," Nikolai continued, ignoring her. "A respectable amount of time after my death so, again, you don't arouse suspicion or accusations. But then you can be together, like you've dreamed of. Not the ordinary life you were hoping for, granted, but you'll make it work."
Alina and Mal exchanged bewildered looks at this.
"Nikolai- shut up!" Alina finally snapped. "What is this? Are you giving up?"
"I'm being practical. I have to think of what's best for Ravka, and that's securing the throne."
Alina gaped at him incredulously. "The throne is secure, with you."
He scoffed with a note of derision. "I cannot lead Ravka like this, a demon king that could turn into a bloodthirsty monster at any moment."
"I won't let that happen," she said sharply.
"You can't stop it!" he yelled back in a rare outburst. "You've been trying, but all you're doing is making it…angry," he gritted out.
Alina stood there, shocked.
"What do you mean?" Mal spoke up.
Nikolai turned away from them and ran a hand down his face. "I can feel it," he confessed in a small voice. "Inside me. It may not be strong enough to fight its way out again yet, but every time Alina…touches it with her power, it- it gets worse. You're wearing it down bit by bit…but also me. And one day the demon is going to break free again. Or mess with my mind and cause me to make a mistake, to cause irreparable harm to my country." He looked back at them with pained eyes. "Or the people I care about." Nikolai shook his head desperately. "I won't let it. I can secure Ravka's rule by marrying you and giving you the crown, and then you can—"
"What?" Alina cut him off. "Kill you? Are you talking about faking your death or actually committing it?!"
His expression was grave. "You know the answer to that. Whether on the throne or not, the demon cannot be allowed to wreak blood and death on anyone."
"You just need to give us more time," Alina pleaded. "We're managing."
"Managing isn't good enough," he rejoined. "What happens if you can't get to me in time? What if I change in front of the court? What if you are able to burn it back again, but the process finally kills me, and you have no claim to the throne?" Nikolai paused, his eyes hardening. "Or it happens with one of the others? What if I kill Mal before you can get to me?"
Alina flinched. It was a cruel blow, but Nikolai had intentionally delivered it to make his point. They were lucky the first time, lucky that no one had found out about it. How much longer could they truly keep this up?
Alina remembered the Darkling's last words to her, about the world needing a monster, and to let him be her monster.
Now Nikolai was her monster.
And she just might have to choose between him and the rest of the world.