He pushed through the crowd, his eyes stinging with more tears. It was already getting dark by the time he escaped the afterschool crowd of bullies and made it to the stop sign. He waited for the cars to pass before he ran as fast as he could down the street to Gerard's house.
He stopped a few feet away from the front door, his nose bleeding from being punched by another upperclassman. The lights were all out, but he pulled out his phone and turned it on, waving it in the sky just as Gerard had done so many times years ago. He waited for a while before giving up hope and turning around, but just as he turned the light switched on and Gerard came out.
"Frank! What happened?" He ran down the driveway and grabbed his backpack strap. Frank's heart stopped for a second before he brought up the courage to turn around and kiss him. Gerard took a sharp breath through his nose before pulling away, looking terrified. Frank looked into his eyes, questioning.
"No." Gerard shook his head, taking a few steps back. The word hit Frank like a Mac truck. He felt his heart crumble and saw his hopes scatter across the ground they were standing on.
"We can't." Gerard turned and walked up the driveway, into his house, and shut off the lights without skipping a beat. Frank, however, stood in the same place, completely broken. His eyes couldn't cry and his throat closed up. His chest was tight and stiff.
He took a few steps back before running full speed towards his house. He crashed through the door, the usual silence of his house stabbing into him like a knife. He ran up the stairs and kicked his door open, grabbing his diary, a lighter, and a small cardboard box. He ran across the hall and pulled open the attic door, climbing up and clicking on the light. He crawled to the center of the room where he had pillows and blankets set up into a little tent. He pulled over a metal bowl that was full of pencils and dumped it out on the blankets and threw the diary on it, clicking the lighter and setting it on fire.
He pulled the top off the little cardboard box and pulled out a razor with a small plastic sheath. He threw the plastic across the room and stabbed the blade into his wrist. He drove it in again and again as he watched the diary burn through watering eyes. The flame danced and flickered in front of the attic window, the moon light shining through and bouncing off the bloody razor. His phone vibrated in his pocket; Once, Twice, Three times, and then nothing.
He paused for a moment to see if it would again. It didn't. He pulled the phone out of his pocket and checked his messages; 3 Unread from Gee. He hesitated for a moment before opening the first message, "I'm sorry for acting that way." The second, "Call Me if you want 2 talk about it." And the third, "I just don't think it's a good idea." Frank flipped his sidekick open and answered him, "I'm busy." He waited for a few minutes before reaching for the razor again, but the moment his fingers touched it the phone vibrated again. "With what?" Frank started to type, 'Homework' but couldn't let himself lie to him. "I'm just busy. I don't want 2 talk about that, you don't like me and sorry I did it." He slid his phone across the floor and reached again for the razor but stopped halfway and decided that he had done enough damage for the day.
He curled up on the sheets and closed his eyes, the fire glinting in front of him slowly dying, and tried to sleep. His phone vibrated for a while, and he knew Gerard was calling. He ignored it and stayed curled in a ball, shaking in tears. He watched the fire flicker in front of the moon and how it bounced of the blood on the floor and his wrists. What felt like a few minutes turned out to be an hour when he heard someone banging on the door below. He jumped up and tried to clean the blood off his wrist before hurrying downstairs and peeking through the little window on the door. It was Gerard, looking frantic and crying. Frank slowly opened the door and Gerard barged in and pulled him into a tight hug before the door was even open all the way.
"Frank I was so worried never, ever, ever do that again! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so, so sorry, Frank. Really, I am!" He sobbed. Frank pushed him off and sat on the couch.
"Yeah, I get it, you're sorry. But that doesn't change anything. I'm the one who should apologize, I shouldn't have done that." He rested his chin on his hand, but quickly put it back down trying to hide the cuts. It was too late, Gerard ran over and grabbed his arm, gently running his fingers over the gashes and using his shirt to tenderly sop up the blood.
"I knew this is what you were doing. I knew I should've just let you do it, just let you kiss me. We just can't though, that's not a thing that we can have. It's…not viewed as appropriate. It isn't viewed as an okay thing. We would get hurt, well, you would anyways." Gerard froze and regretted it the moment it came out of his mouth.
"No, no! That's not what I meant, Frank, I'm sorry. That came out wrong." Frank looked at him with angry, miserable, watery eyes.
"Gee… Why?" Gerard looked confused.
"Why what?" He produced a medical kit from his pants pocket and started wrapping his wrist.
"Why can't we happen?" Gerard stopped wrapping for a second to think but then continued again.
"Because. People wouldn't accept it. You have enough things happening to you at school anyways. Not that you deserve any of it, but it happens." He taped down the gauze with gentle pressure, Frank wincing slightly.
"Yeah, whatever." Gerard wiped tears off Frank's cheek again.
"Frank. Look at me. Look." Frank looked up at Gerard, who was smiling sympathetically.
"I would die for you, you're all I need. I love you more than anything and you need to know that kissing me didn't change anything between us. I still cherish you as much as I did before. Just… not that way." He kneeled down and slid his hand into Frank's, their fingers intertwined.
"You'll always be mine," he looked into his eyes, "and I'll always protect you."
Frank wanted to kiss him again, to be in his arms, but he knew he could never be. He squeezed Gerard's hand, their fingers locked together.
"I know, I know you will, I'm sorry," he looked into Gerard's deep brown eyes.
"Can you… promise me something?" Gerard looked confused but nodded.
"Will you promise not to tell that girl?" Gerard looked down at the floor, thinking hard, but nodded again.
"I promise."