A/N: Hey, all you Internet people! DarkScizor here. So, my computer's been having issues, which is why this chapter is so late. With that said, I present Chapter 4 of Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut!
Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut
Chapter 4: Bowser Time!
Location: World 1-4
Gray, lifeless brick walls.
Pits of boiling lava.
Super annoying music.
This...was Bowser's Castle.
Mario stood there, all stalwart and unfazed and heroic and stuff. He was about to step out towards glory when he remembered something.
Location: World 1-3
Mario walked back out of the castle to find Luigi still standing at the edge of the cliff, mouth hanging open as he gazed upon the destruction that he had caused. "They're all dead...because of me..."
"Oh, come on, Luigi! You're not still upset over the entire 'destruction of an ecosystem' thing, are you? Sure, it feels kinda weird the first time, but, after a while, you get used to it. Now turn that frown upside-down so we can go into the castle, beat Bowser, rescue the princess, and hopefully get some cake!"
Luigi didn't move. "Everyone...dead..."
Mario sighed. Grabbing Luigi by the arm, he pulled him towards the castle.
Location: World 1-4...again
Gray, lifeless brick walls.
Pits of boiling lava.
Super annoying music.
This...was Bowser's Castle.
The two brothers stood there, all stalwart and unfazed and heroic and stuff (well, Mario did; Luigi just stood in a slightly zombie-like state, still muttering something about how he killed all of those people). Walking down the steps carefully, so as to avoid any accidental neck-breakage, the plumbers jumped over a random pit of lava. They ran for about a minute before stopping.
Blocking their path was a pair of lava pits with a teeny, tiny platform in the center. The platform held a giant, rotating stick of flame. Mario turned to his thinner brother. "Luigi..."
"I got it, I got it..." Luigi pulled out The Enclosed Instruction Book and began to read from it. "Okay, this one's called a Firebar. The book says, 'Are you friggin' serious? You really need to know what this thing does? It's a bar. Of fire. This isn't rocket science, bozo.'"
Mario and Luigi sweatdropped.
Luigi scratched the back of his head. "So...a Firebar. Well, it doesn't look that dangerous, but, just in case, I think we should-
Mario ignored him and jumped over the first lava pit, landing on the center platform. He leaped up fist-first, hitting a ? Block. The red-capped plumber ate the magic mushroom that came out in one gulp, ignoring its cries of pain and agony. After growing to double his height, he jumped over the second lava pit with as much grace as a 10-foot-tall obese man can have. He landed on the other side with a resounding thud, crossed his arms, and shouted, "Beat that!"
Luigi summoned up what little courage he had and jumped across the first pit. He managed to land on the center platform. Luigi pumped his arm in celebration and was about to jump across the second pit when something struck him. Literally.
Luigi's scream of pain echoed throughout the castle as the Firebar pushed him along its path. As the Firebar hit the ground, so did Luigi. The man in green lay there in pain, unable to move for a few seconds. He managed to get to his feet and took a few unsteady steps towards the next lava pit, preparing himself to jump across it. Before his could, the Firebar smacked him in the denim-covered butt, propelling him off the side of the platform and SMACK dab into the edge of the next one. Luigi held on for dear life, barely managing to pull himself up. He crawled over to where Mario was, then collapsed.
Mario smirked. "Looks like I win, Luigi."
Luigi just glared at him.
5 minutes later...
Luigi had finally managed to stand up, despite the pain shooting up his body. After several death glares in Mario's direction, the two brothers marched onward.
Mario turned toward his scorched brother. "So, Luigi, how much longer do you think we have to walk?
Luigi grimaced in pain before answering. "I'd say about- Mario..."
"What?"
"Mario..."
"FOR ELDSTAR'S SAKE, LUIGI, WHAT IS IT?"
Luigi pointed in front of him. Mario turned to face where Luigi was pointing.
A hallway.
Filled with Firebars.
Mario wiped his forehead. "Phew! The way you were acting, I thought it was something dangerous! Well, let's get this over with."
Luigi looked toward his 10-foot brother, then back to the hallway. He looked at his brother again, then back at the hallway again. A huge, malicious grin spread over Luigi's face.
Mario saw his brother's oversized smile. "Uh, Luigi? Did you overdose on Prozac again?"
Luigi turned toward Mario, the grin still etched into his face. In one quick movement, he grabbed Mario and ran toward the Firebars, laughing like a deranged maniac.
"LUIGI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Luigi's meat shield hit the first Firebar head-on, robbing him of his Super Mushroom powers. Mario barely had time to realize what happened before the second Firebar hit. The red plumber screamed in pain. His scream was cut off as he hit the third Firebar. And the fourth. And the fifth. And the the sixth.
After they had gone through all six Firebars, Luigi let his brother go. Mario landed unsteadily on his feet. He grabbed his hat and put out the small fire on the brim. Luigi cheered. "WOOT! Score one for Luigi!"
Mario slowly faced his brother. He looked toward him with murder in his eyes.
Luigi gulped, then ran out of the way. Moments later, Mario launched himself at Luigi's face. He took his younger brother's head and slammed it against the brick wall. Repeatedly.
"DON'T (slam) YOU (slam) EVER (slam) DO (slam) THAT (slam) AGAIN (slam) YOU (slam) GREEN (slam) CAPPED (slam) BASTARD! (slam) (slam) (slam)" Mario finally let a broken Luigi fall to the ground. Luigi slowly got to his feet. Suddenly, his eyes widened.
"LOOK OUT, MARIO!" Luigi tackled Mario to the ground. At that moment, a fireball went rushing over their heads.
Mario stared in shock. "Uh...what was that?"
Luigi took a few seconds to wipe the blood off of his face before pointing directly in front of him. Mario looked where Luigi was pointing – and then ducked as another fireball went sailing by. He got back up and saw that the fireballs were being launched by...something. He couldn't tell exactly what it was at this distance. Mario grabbed his brother's arm and ran forward as more fireballs were launched over their heads.
After a few minutes of running, Mario and Luigi came to a bridge suspended over lava. Heat rose up from the glowing river of molten rock, causing sweat to form on the brothers' heads. Smoke started forming, obscuring their vision. They could just barely make out a hulking shadow in front of them. Suddenly, it spoke.
"BWAHAHAHA! WELCOME TO YOUR DEMISE, FOOLISH HUMANS! PREPARE TO DIE, FOR THOU HATH INCURRED THE WRATH OF BOWSER, KING OF THE KOOPAS!" The smoke started to clear, revealing the Koopa King himself.
He was a turtle dragon with red hair. Great job, Nintendo.
Mario and Luigi stared at him for a while before the red-capped plumber burst out laughing. "Are you kidding me? THAT'S Bowser? He looks like something a kindergartener on meth would draw! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Luigi nudged his brother. "Uh, Mario, it might not be wise to laugh at him..."
Mario ignored his brother and continued to laugh. Bowser turned to Luigi. "Is he gonna be okay?" Luigi shrugged.
The turtle-dragon facepalmed. "Aw, this wasn't supposed to happen...uh...FOOL! YOU DARE TO DEFY ME? THEN TASTE MY FURY!" Bowser shot a massive fireball from his gaping maw. Luigi ducked, barely avoiding being burnt to a crisp. Mario continued to laugh uncontrollably. "And what's with the name, anyway? What kind of idiot parent names their kid Bowser?"
Bowser continued to shoot more fireballs. Luigi dodged every single one of them with surprising agility, considering he'd just had his face smashed in. Mario, however, kept on laughing as he walked right past the two of them. He kept walking until he reached the other side of the bridge. "HAHAHAHAHahahahaha..." Mario's laughter trailed off as his eyes fell upon something.
It was an axe.
Luigi smacked his head in frustration. "Mario! Can't you help me out here?"
Mario stared at the axe for a while longer. Suddenly, his face lit up. He grabbed the axe and swung it, severing the chain connecting the bridge to the sides of the pit. Luigi's eyes widened in terror as he scrambled to get off of the bridge before it fell into the lava. He managed to make it to the other side just in time. Bowser, however, wasn't so lucky.
Mario and Luigi watched as the turtle-dragon's skin melted off, revealing a Goomba. The Goomba spotted the two brothers and jumped towards the edge of the pit, intent on ripping their faces off, or at least bumping into them. Fortunately for our heroes (but unfortunately for the Goomba), he wasn't even remotely close. The Goomba fell into the lava, screaming as his body was melted away.
Luigi turned uncomfortably to his brother. "So...that happened."
Mario stared in disbelief. "So the stupid turtle-dragon thing was really a Goomba? That has got to be, like the worst climax ever! Besides the ending of Mass Effect 3, of course."
Luigi sighed. "Mario, this was obviously a decoy. Think about it; if you were Bowser, and someone was burning through your forces, and you had to face them, wouldn't you send someone else in your place to test the waters, so to speak?"
Confusion was etched all over Mario's face. Luigi sighed. Apparently, anything that involved that much thought was too much for his brother to handle. He quickly changed the subject. "Anyway, that was some quick thinking back there, Mario. I don't think I could have dodged those fireballs for much longer. Cutting the chain...that was surprisingly well-thought-out! Kudos, Mario!"
Mario snapped back into reality. "Actually, I was trying to throw it right at his stupid-looking face, but I'll go with whatever you said, instead."
Luigi would have facepalmed had he not remembered something important. "Mario! The princess!"
"Oh, yeah!" Mario ran toward the chamber at the end of the hallway. He flung open the door to reveal...
...Toad.
Mario's jaw hit the ground. "How did...I don't...you...what is this...I don't even..."
Toad crossed his arms angrily. "Hello, Mario. Thanks to you, I had to get my spleen and half of my liver removed. I hope you're happy."
"What are you doing here? And where's the princess?"
Toad sighed. "Bowser's forces attacked the Mushroom Hospital, and I was captured. As for the princess, well...she's in another castle."
Mario stared. "What do you mean, 'another castle'?"
"She's not here, Mario. She's just not here."
Luigi walked inside the chamber to find his brother mercilessly beating the crap out of Toad. "Um..what's going – on second thought, I don't want to know."
After what seemed like forever, Mario got up and wiped Toad's blood off of his gloves. "Well, better get a move on, Luigi. Turns out she's not here."
Luigi shrugged. "I expected as much. Alright, let's get going." Luigi walked out of the chamber, with Mario following close behind. The door closed with a resounding thud. When the last echoes died away, all that could be heard was a weak voice.
"Please...somebody...help me..."
A/N: Well, that's Chapter 4. Next, World 2!
No flames, or Mario will mercilessly beat the crap out of YOU.