A/N: Hello, all you Internet people! DarkScizor here. Now, if you'll excuse me for a moment...
…
ARGHTHISSTUPIDCOMPUTERWHYTHE HELLDOESN'TITWORKOMGWTFBBQ!
There, that's better. So, here's the – incredibly delayed – Chapter 5 of Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut!
Super Mario Bros: Director's Cut
Chapter 5: Mystery Science Koopa 3000
Location: World 2-4
Deep within the World 2 castle, the entire R&D team of the Koopa Army was hard at work on their newest creation. Interns scurried everywhere, carrying test tubes in their claws. Suddenly, the laboratory doors swung open. A Green Koopa Troopa rushed in.
"Everybody listen!" The researchers stopped what they were doing and turned their attention to the messenger in front of them.
"Ahem...According to HQ, the False Bowser stationed at the World 1 castle has been defeated by two humans. Lord Bowser has instructed me to give you guys your orders. First off, security needs to be tightened around here. As you all know, this is the Koopa Troop's main research and development center, so we can't risk losing this castle to the humans."
The scientists gathered around the messenger nodded in agreement.
"Second, this team has been ordered to stall the humans' progress. I'll leave that up to you. And third..."
The scientists leaned in closer.
"He's given you orders to unleash Project Alpha."
At that moment, everybody in the room burst into objections.
"Project Alpha?"
"Is he insane?"
"We haven't even administered a test run yet!"
The messenger raised his hands for silence. "Hey, they're his orders, not mine." With that, he left.
One of the scientists turned to face the others. "Look, we don't have to release Project Alpha immediately. If we can stall the humans for long enough, we can finish the project with time to spare!" At that moment, her face lit up. The Koopa scientist ran to the far corner of the room, where she found a scientist sitting in the corner stitching about 15 human spleens together into a necklace.
The Koopa scientist cleared her throat. "Dr. Koopenstein?"
The guy on the floor looked up from his spleen necklace. "What?"
"We've got a job for you."
Location: World 2-1
Mario stretched his arms. "It feels great to be out of that stupid, lava-filled castle! Wouldn't you agree, Luigi?"
"Sure. Fine. Whatever. I just wanna go home..." Luigi moaned.
"Well, we can't until we find this princess and get her to make me a cake. Mmmmm...foooooooood..."
Luigi stared at his brother, mouth agape. "Really, Mario? 'Get her to make me a cake?' Not 'rescue her from the evil turtle-dragon?'"
"Hey, I'm only in this for the cake. Toad said the princess bakes cakes, and, well..."
"But she's in danger! Right now she could be being tortured, or raped, or forced to play Sonic '06!"
Mario turned to Luigi. "And your point is...?"
Luigi sighed and closed his eyes. "Do you know how much harder it's getting for me to tell people that we're related?"
Suddenly, Luigi was hit by a wad of Goomba goo. He looked in front of him and saw that, in the five seconds that Luigi had his eyes closed, Mario had abandoned him, found a Super Mushroom, eaten it, stomped on a Goomba, and was proceeding to do the same thing to two Koopa Troopas.
Luigi was about to facepalm when he noticed something. These two Koopas were flanked on both sides by walls. So, if Mario were to jump on one..."
Luigi ran towards Mario. "Mario! DON'T JU-"
Too late.
Mario jumped on one of the Koopa Troopas. After it retreated into its shell, Mario kicked it toward the other one. The second Koopa Troopa was killed instantly, but the first one kept going until it hit the wall. Luigi could only watch as the shell ricocheted off of the wall and back toward his brother.
Mario deftly jumped into the air and came down on the Koopa shell. The shell lost all momentum and came to a complete stop. He looked up at Luigi. "What did you say, Luigi?"
Luigi let out the breath he didn't know he was holding before jumping down to meet his brother. "Are you INSANE, MARIO? YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN KILLED! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO RECKLESS?"
Mario shrugged. "I thought it was kinda cool."
Luigi continued on his rant. "AND ANOTHER THING-" Suddenly, Luigi was cut off by a loud scream in the distance.
"FOR THE MOTHERLAND!"
Mario and Luigi looked around, trying to place where the scream came from. After a few seconds, they got their answer.
Luigi was tackled by what seemed to be a Koopa in a lab coat. The Koopa proceeded to jump on Luigi's face. Repeatedly.
"HEY, EVERYBODY!" the Koopa yelled over Luigi's screams of pain.
Mario sweatdropped. Luigi continued to scream.
The Koopa jumped on Luigi's face one last time before getting off. He extended his hand to Mario. "Pleased to meet you! My name's Dr. Koopenstein! What's yours?"
Mario hesitated for a moment before shaking Dr. Koopenstein's hand. "Um...I'm Mario."
Dr. Koopenstein pulled away. "Wait a minute...did you say Mario?"
The obese plumber raised one eyebrow. "Yes..."
"So that guy over there must be Luigi, right?"
Luigi groaned. "Ohhhhh..."
Dr. Koopenstein pulled a clipboard out from inside his coat. "Hmm...according to this, I have to stall you two for at least a couple of hours so that the Koopa Clan's R&D team can finish up Project Alpha." He put the clipboard away. "Well, might as well get started."
For the second time, Mario sweatdropped. "Uh, we kinda have to get going, so..."
Suddenly, he was hit in the face with a pancreas.
Dr. Koopenstein stood there with an armful of human organs. "I find that one of the best ways to stall people is to throw organs at them." He proceeded to throw a spleen at Luigi.
Luigi stared at it in shock before painfully getting up. "Look, we really have to get going, so..." A gallbladder hit him smack in the forehead. "WHAT THE HELL, MAN?"
Mario sighed. "Let's just get out of here." He jumped over the wall of the pit they were in – an easy task, since he still had the powers of the Super Mushroom – and ran down the stairs, preparing to jump on two more Goombas.
Before he could, he heard Luigi's voice coming from the other side of the wall. "Oh, come on, Mario! You can't just leave me here with him!"
He heard another voice – Dr. Koopenstein's. "Don't worry! I'll get you up safe and sound!" A few seconds later, Luigi went sailing over the wall, crashing into the two Goombas.
Mario ran over to Luigi. The green-capped plumber was face-down on the ground and covered in bits of smashed Goomba.
Mario had to struggle to contain his laughter.
He heard Dr. Koopenstein's voice again. "I threw him over the edge!"
"I can see that," Mario replied.
"Nice, huh? I was the Koopa University shot put champion back in nineteen-eleventy-seven!"
Mario looked back at Luigi. "It definitely shows. Well, thanks for getting Luigi up here. Now, if you'll excuse me, we have to get going. Gotta get me some cake."
Luigi cleared his throat.
Mario sighed. "And save the princess, blah blah blah."
"Wait! You can't just leave! I'M SUPPOSED TO STALL YOU!"
Mario ignored Dr. Koopenstein, picked up Luigi, and carried on.
The two brothers jumped over a pipe containing a Piranha Plant and landed on the other side, where they were greeted by five Goombas and two Koopa Troopas.
Mario smirked. "Leave this to me." He jumped up, hitting a ? Block. A Fire Flower came out of the block, and Mario grabbed it, transforming into Fire Mario. He unleashed a volley of fireballs that incinerated everything in their path. Mario immediately ran through the smoke and ashes, leaped over a Warp Pipe, melted the faces of a few more Goombas, and grabbed a bunch of coins.
Luigi managed to catch up with Mario...eventually. He spent a few seconds catching his breath while Mario played with a fireball. Luigi was about to yell at his brother for leaving him behind – again – when he felt a sharp pain in the back of his head.
Luigi dropped like a rock.
Mario continued to play with his fireball, noticing neither his unconscious brother nor the shadow creeping up behind him.
The world faded back into view as Mario regained consciousness. The first thing he noticed was that his fire powers were gone. The second was that Luigi was beside him, just waking up. The third, well...
"Am I on a...cloud?" Mario asked.
"DING DING DING! CONGRATULATIONS! YOU WIN, GOOD SIR!"
Mario and Luigi jumped at the noise coming from behind them. They turned around, anxious to meet their captor, to hear of their reason for being here, to-
Yeah, it was Koopenstein.
Mario and Luigi simultaneously facepalmed.
"I see you're both awake! Good, very good!"
Mario's temper flared up. "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU TAKE US, KOOPENSTEIN?"
"Glad you asked! Welcome...to COIN HEAVEN!"
The two brothers looked around them. They were surrounded by clouds. And coins. And a random beanstalk.
"This glorious place is where all the coins in the Mushroom Kingdom are produced! Please, take as many as you'd like, because you're never getting out of here! Prepare to be stalled...FOREVER! FWAHAHA!"
Mario clenched his fists. "You knocked us both unconscious and took us here just to STALL us? ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?"
"Mario, you really shouldn't insult the guy with the upper hand..."
"SHUT UP, LUIGI!" Mario pushed Luigi so hard that he flew...off the side of the cloud...into the abyss below.
If Mario were a bit more calm, he might actually have cared. As it was, all of his attention was focused on Dr. Koopenstein. "LIKE I WAS SAYING, ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE? WHEN THE HELL HAS 'STALLING' EVER MEANT 'TRAPPING TWO GUYS FOR ALL ETERNITY?'"
Meanwhile, Luigi had just hit the ground. Very painfully. After snapping his bones back into place, Luigi happened to look up. Apparently, Mario had missed a ? block.
"Eh, might as well." Luigi jumped up and hit the block...
"AND ANOTHER THING-" Mario abruptly cut off. He could hear a faint noise in the distance. It sounded like music...almost like-
"BOOYAH, BITCHES!"
Mario and Koopenstein stared. Luigi was hanging onto the top of the beanstalk, glowing with the power of the Starman.
Luigi jumped off of the beanstalk and grabbed Mario's hand. The two dashed off, fueled by invincibility.
Dr. Koopenstein ran after them. "Guys, you can't just leave!"
Luigi ignored him and kept running forward. He soon made it to the edge of Coin Heaven. Normally, this would have taken days, but, fueled by the Starman and his own rage, Luigi made it in 10 seconds. He threw Mario off the side (Mario hit the top of the flagpole, for those of you who care) before turning towards Dr. Koopenstein, who, somehow, had caught up with Luigi.
"Hey, Koopenstein!"
Dr. Koopenstein stopped running. "What?"
"IMMA PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!"
He did just that, causing Dr. Koopenstein to explode, Michael Bay-style. Luigi jumped away from the explosion and landed on the ground just as his star power ran out.
Mario stared. "That...was...INCREDIBLE, Luigi! Granted, you still have to work on your one-liners a bit, but...WOW!"
Luigi blushed. "Well, you know..."
Mario immediately lost all of his happiness. "Okay, I praised you once. Don't expect it to happen again." With that, he set off towards the Warp Pipe to World 2-2, with a still-beaming Luigi in his wake.
A/N: Well, that's Chapter 5. Next is the underwater level. Hoo boy...
No flames, or Super Badass Starman Luigi will punch you in the face.