Jules looked out the picture window into the backyard, where the rain dropped hard on the patio. Megan was at Sara's for the weekend, so it was just Jules and Kristina in the house.

Kristina was upstairs sleeping.

The sound of the rain beating down reminded Jules of the time she and Perra had gone to St. Jacobs for the weekend…

"Hmmm- turns out they close the market down if it's raining." Perra said as he got back into the car.

"What are we going to do then?" Jules asked.

"Well, we could go back to the hotel, I could give you a massage, you can give me a massage, crack open that bottle of wine…"

"…Have sex." Jules ended.

"Or that." Perra said with a smile.

Jules missed his smile, his laugh.

She looked into the kitchen, where she saw her bottle of anti-depressants on top of the fridge. She had already taken her daily dose. But she knew, no matter what pills she took, or how many- nothing would ever fill the emptiness that the death of her husband caused.

Every day, she felt physical pain. She knew what it was. She was trying to hide just how depressed she was, and it was causing physical symptoms.

Dr. Green had told her that if she ever felt so depressed that she was beginning to think about suicide, to call 911 immediately. She was glad it had not got that far yet.

It was getting late, so Jules decided to change and get into bed.

As she laid down, she began thinking. If Perra was still alive, what would he be saying right now? He'd be saying that we must be getting old- going to bed at 9pm. I would say something like 'We're not getting any younger.'

He'd look at me with his baby blue eyes and tell me that he couldn't think of anyone better than me to grow old with. I'd smile, he'd smile. He would kiss me.

If Perra was still alive- would Megan be a lesbian? Would he have talked to her- and convinced her to be straight? Probably not- he accepted people the way they are.

If Perra was still alive- he'd be nice to Sara. He'd care for her like a daughter.

Jules used her arm to wipe the tears from her cheeks. She couldn't stop thinking of Perra and thinking about how things may be different.

Kristina started to cry, so Jules got up and entered Kristina's room, and picked up the baby, and started to soothe her by rocking her back and forth in her arms. She decided to sit down on the rocking chair in the room and talk to Kristina, while she soothed her.

"Your dad- he was a great guy. I loved him Kristina, and now he's gone. Nothing will ever bring him back. Everything reminds me of him, and there's days where I think I take it anymore, and when I get through it, I think 'that wasn't so hard', but it isn't Kristina."

Jules looked at Kristina, who had managed to fall back to sleep.

Someday you'll understand Kristina.

A/N: Ok, this chapter is really short, but I didn't want to get long winded in the emotions. I didn't want a 1,000 word emotional rant, and I think this size of chapter does it justice in just the right way.