Chapter 3: The First Days
Felicity sighed as she watched Sirius try to sooth Harry back to sleep. The little boy had woken up just as they'd arrived, and he had started to cry for James and Lily.
How long would it be before Harry forgot his parents? How long before he stopped asking for them, stopped crying when they didn't come?
"No!" Harry sobbed, pushing at Sirius' arms unhappily. "Da, me! Da, me!"
"Daddy's not here, Harry," Sirius said softly, tears in his eyes as the finality of the situation hit. "Daddy's not coming."
Harry stopped protesting for a moment, wide green eyes staring at him solemnly. "Da no come?" he asked tremulously.
"That's right, Harry," Sirius replied. "Daddy's not coming."
"Ma, me?" Harry asked in tearful hopefulness.
Sirius shook his head. "No, Harry. Mummy's not coming either."
Harry stared at him for a moment longer while his little mind tried to wrap itself around the concept. Then he burst into inconsolable tears.
"I know, Harry," Sirius murmured, holding him tightly. "I know."
***
Harry finally fell asleep again, and Sirius laid him down gently in the playpen: the cabin was well stocked with baby supplies, since Felicity's brother had small children and an infant.
Sirius sighed and crawled wearily into bed, too exhausted to care about little things like meals or changing into nightclothes. He just wanted to sleep.
"Sirius?" Felicity asked softly, looking at his drawn face.
"Mmm," Sirius mumbled.
"What are you going to do about Harry?"
Sirius pried open one eye. "What do you mean, what am I going to do? He's my godson, I'm keeping him. What else do you expect?"
"Sirius, you can't honestly think that that's the most reasonable –"
"Shut up before I hex you, Felicity."
***
Felicity and Sirius were both rudely awakened barely an hour later by Harry's terrified screams. Moaning, Felicity buried her head under a pillow. "I thought he slept through the night now, Sirius."
Sirius growled incoherently at her as he sat up. "Give the kid a break, Felicity. Merlin… he just watched his family be killed last night."
Sirius managed to get into the room where he'd put Harry down to sleep, seeing his precious little godson standing up and screaming his tiny heart out, tears streaming down his face. "Hey, Harry," he whispered comfortingly, lifting him out and into his arms. "Hey, kiddo. I'm here. I'm here. You're safe. I won't let anybody hurt you."
When Harry had fallen back asleep, Sirius tried gently to lay him back down, only to be hindered by Harry's fearful whimpers and hands clinging tightly to Sirius' robes. Sighing, Sirius settled Harry against his chest. "All right," he murmured. "You be that way, then." He smoothed a wayward lock of hair from the toddler's peaceful face. "I'll stay right here."
"Sius, stay," Harry slurred. "Sius stay me."
"Yes, Sirius will stay with you," Sirius soothed, rubbing Harry's back. With that, he settled into the couch to draw Harry back into sleep.
***
Sirius woke up a little disoriented. Couch? Why was he on a couch? And what was the weight on his chest?
Harry. James and Lily. It all came hurtling back like a twenty-ton rocket. Groaning, he carefully righted himself, steadying Harry. The kid was still sleeping soundly. Thank goodness.
"You up, finally?" Felicity asked, a little grouchily, from the kitchen. "Merlin, you slept long enough. Put Harry down in the pen and come eat something."
"Nah," Sirius said, resettling the warm body against him in one arm. "I'd rather keep him here. He's not wriggling for once. Listen, I'm sorry for snapping at you last night…"
"That's all right, it was a bit of a stressful day," Felicity said reluctantly. Jealousy flared in her eyes as she saw that Sirius wasn't even looking at her. He was too busy watching the bleeding baby sleep. Godfathering was one thing: she could deal with splitting his attentions for a day or so. Guardianship was a whole other kettle of fish. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week of sharing her boyfriend with a baby? Not a chance. But he'd see reason.
***
Sirius laughed as he followed close behind Harry. The little boy was happily careening through the surf of the beach, shrieking as the cold water crept up on his feet. "Enjoying your little jaunt, here, Harry?" he asked, quickly catching the toddler before he crashed headfirst into the sand.
"Sius, pay!" Harry exclaimed, pointing at the water excitedly. "Sius, pay!"
"Oh, so you want to go swimming, do you?" Sirius said with a smile. "Well, it's a little cold for swimming," he said as he picked up Harry. "But I can certainly dunk your feet in." He dipped Harry in up to his little knees, and was rewarded with a squeal of delight and a splash. "There you are."
"Me co'd," Harry announced. "Sius, me."
"Very well, then," Sirius amended, settling Harry in his arms again and heading back towards the cabin, where Felicity was sitting cross-legged on the front porch, shivering in a sweater and glaring at Sirius. "Oh, come on, we weren't out that long," he laughed, giving her a light kiss.
"It's bleeding November, Sirius, not July," she grumbled, unfolding herself and following him inside as he wrapped Harry up in a blanket.
"And you've never gone polar skinny-dipping," Sirius teased, rubbing Harry's back to quiet him to sleep.
"Never," she said.
***
"So you've really never gone polar skinny-dipping?" Sirius said mischievously as he pulled Felicity against him.
"Never," she repeated, thrilled that she had all of his attention for the first time in almost three days. Laughing when he swept her into his arms, she wrapped her arms around his neck and said, "Where are we going?"
"We're going polar skinny-dipping," Sirius replied, dropping her to her feet at the waterfront. Before she could even think of retaliating, he had disrobed both of them and was dumping her into the water.
Felicity screamed from the sheer shock of the cold, breaking up from the water and shivering. "That's freezing, Sirius Black!"
"Hence the 'polar'," Sirius said teasingly, easing her against him and kissing her. She deftly evaded his hands, determined to punish him for ignoring her for three days.
"Felicity…" he complained.
She continued to torment him until she felt that he was sufficiently frustrated.
***
"That was for ignoring me," she hissed at him, as he was nuzzling her neck hopefully afterwards once they'd returned to the cabin and changed.
"Merlin, Felicity, get some maturity," he said irritably, breaking away from her. "If you can't handle not being the only object of affection…"
"I can for a day or two," Felicity protested in vain, "but we're talking about sixteen years here, Sirius!"
"You knew that as well as I did when I was first made his godfather, Felicity!" Sirius exclaimed.
"I wasn't expecting it to actually get called into play!"
Harry started crying then – not a real cry of need for something, just an insistent cry for somebody to come retrieve him.
"And the crying, good graces, the crying…" Felicity growled as Sirius quickly went to cater to Harry's desires. He reappeared moments later carrying Harry in one arm. The boy was quite pleased with where he was now, happily playing with a plush animal of some kind. "I'm telling you, Sirius Black, I'm not pleased with this! It's him or me."
Sirius stared at her. "Excuse me?" he asked incredulously. "Excuse me? You're asking me to choose between you or Harry?"
"Exactly."
Sirius sighed in disgust. "How absolutely juvenile. Well, have a good life then. Come on, Harry, put it down." He gently tugged the animal away and tossed it onto one of the couches. "We'll get you another from my house," he soothed quickly, when Harry threatened to burst into tears.
***
"I can't believe she'd be that immature," Sirius fumed as he paced around Remus' kitchen. Remus was sitting at the table, feeding Harry a bit of his lunch. "I mean, really, as if she didn't know who would win if it came down to that."
"Sit down and eat, Sirius," Remus sighed. "There's no use in raging about it. I'm beginning to think that all women are scum and James was lucky to get the only decent one in the lot."
Sirius grumbled under his breath and sat down. "Yeah, we have had a rather bad string of them, haven't we?"
"Done," Harry announced stoutly, pushing Remus' hand away. "No eat. Pay." He wiggled his way back down to the floor and took off to pick up one of his toys.
"Have you ever noticed just how spoiled he is?" Remus commented. "We all cater to his every whim."
"Sius, Mus, pay," Harry insisted, pulling at the two men's robes.
"It's hard to say 'no'," Sirius agreed.
"Pay!" Harry commanded again.
"I think it's the eyes," Remus said.
"I think it's the size. Who can say no to a tiny little thing like him?" Sirius countered.
"Sius!" Harry howled.
"One moment, Harry, it'll do you some good to be ignored for a while," Sirius said. "See, it can be done."
Harry's eyes filled with tears and he turned to Remus. "Mus…" he said tremulously, reaching his arms out.
"Damn it, it is the eyes," Remus muttered as he lifted Harry up into his arms. "Aw, come on, Harry, you're fine," he comforted. "Sirius is just being mean."
"Sius mean," Harry echoed tearfully.
"Oh, gee, thanks, what a wonderful phrase for him to learn," Sirius said semi-sarcastically. "Give him here." He took Harry from Remus. "I'm sorry, Harry," he said, nuzzling the toddler's face affectionately.
Harry's lip trembled momentarily and then he buried his face into Sirius' neck, crying. Sirius sighed and rubbed his godson's back.
"Well, Sirius," Remus started to say. "We can't hide out forever."
"I know," Sirius replied softly. "Eventually we'll have to go out into the real world again."
***
"I have never had this many people stare at me," Remus muttered to Sirius as they ducked into the Owl Emporium in Diagon Alley. They were there under pretense, and necessity, of getting some Owl Treats for Warfeather, Sirius' owl. Remus had Harry secure in one arm, Sirius was shooting dagger-like glares at every person who dared look like they were approaching.
"Ah-wool," Harry laughed, clapping his hands and pointing at a little Great Grey fledging. "Ah-wool, Mus."
"Yes, that's right, Harry," Remus replied with a smile. "That's an owl."
"Lupin?" a woman's voice asked from behind him, and Remus turned around to see Arabella Figg. Internally, he was relieved that it was an Order member who was first to really see Harry.
"Afternoon, Arabella," he said softly. "I'd say 'good' afternoon, but –"
"Phh," Arabella waved aside his comment. "There hasn't been a 'good' afternoon in quite a long time, Lupin, and you're far too young to have already learned that. Now, let me see this handsome little lad." She plucked Harry from him and settled him into her arms, a grieved look in her eyes as they drifted over the fresh scar. "Now you, sir, must be the most pleasant baby I've ever met in my extensive life. Augusta tells me that Neville has been giving her nonstop trouble for days."
"Afternoon, Arabella," Sirius greeted as he joined them. "Harry's gotten his nasty streak out already. He used all the nastiness up the first few days after…" he stopped, trying to regain a hold on his emotions.
"Sius, me," Harry begged, holding out his arms. Sirius took him back from Arabella and returned to the conversation.
"The pain will fade, boys," Arabella said softly. "I can't speak to how long. But one day, it'll fade." She sighed and shook her head. "Merlin, but these wars age a person… You two shouldn't have to be going through this. What are you, barely 20?"
"21, actually," Remus corrected.
"Hardly more than children," Arabella said dismissively. She shook her head again and wandered off.
Sirius and Remus looked at each other. Arabella hadn't been particularly encouraging. Finally, Remus sighed and said, "So where to now?"
"Eat!" Harry said stoutly. Both men laughed.
***
"Oh, sure, that's not a problem at all," Henry Eaglemere said understandingly as he took Sirius and Remus to one of the more isolated tables in the Dragon's Lair. Both smiled in thanks. "I'm sorry I don't have a children's chair here for Harry," he added, ruffling Harry's hair affectionately with a brief glance to Harry's scarred forehead. Henry was another Order member – used to Harry and Sirius and Remus already, and considerate of the need for privacy to grieve and adjust.
"Harry'll be fine, Henry, thank you," Sirius said, already beginning to tire of the eyes flicking upward and then away abruptly. "He'd wind up on one of our laps by the end of it, any way."
"Eat!" Harry insisted again, and Henry laughed.
"Right away, young sir," he said in mock seriousness and left again.
"Little commander of a tyke," Remus said with a slight chuckle.
Sirius smiled slightly. "Takes after his father." He bit his lip after that statement.
***
He laid Harry down in his crib that night. And when he was certain that Harry slept peacefully for the moment, he let the tears he'd been holding back for a week fall.
It had never been so painfully final to Sirius Black as it was at that moment: James wasn't coming back. James would never be coming back. Half of himself had died last week: the James half of the Sirius-and-James-what-have-you-done-now. The Prongs part of Moony-Wormtail-Padfoot-and-Prongs. The Potter half of the Black-and-Potter-I-expected-better-behaviour-of-seventh-year-students-and-Gryffindors-no-less-not-to-mention-Head-Boy.
They would never get another chance to mock-duel for who got to take Harry home with him after an Order meeting. Never again. They would never discuss in all seriousness the ways to best make Sarah Sinclare pay for having ripped Remus' heart in two. James wouldn't be there to comfort him when the pain of leaving Felicity struck.
James had always been excellent at giving him the unconditional love he had so craved. He had been more than a friend, more than a brother. James had been a part of Sirius, etched into his very soul.
***
It was close to two in the morning when Sirius tumbled out of the fireplace, dragging his trunk, broom, owl and a whole slew of ashes and soot with him. Momentarily, he cringed at how furious Mrs. Potter would be that he'd tracked so much filth into the parlour. His mother and father's shouts and furious diatribes were still ringing in his ears, echoing in his head.
"What the – Sirius, what are you doing here?" James asked with a yawn, appearing in the entrance to the parlour in his pajamas and dressing robe. "It's two in the morning."
"Please, James…" Sirius whispered, voice wavering. "Not tonight."
James crossed over to where Sirius was getting to his feet. He watched his eyes for a moment, concern penetrating through the hazel irises. Then he reached out and pulled Sirius into a tight hug, letting his best friend cry.
Sirius looked up from some kind of irritating paperwork to see James standing in the doorway. "Hey, James, what's up?" he asked worriedly, getting up from his seat.
The pain and grief and tears were evident in James' eyes. "They're dead. Both of them."
Sirius' heart stopped. And then for what was likely the first and last time, it was Sirius who wrapped his arms around his best friend and let him cry.
***
Sirius tried to rein in his emotions when he heard somebody come into the room. His valiant attempts failed, however, and he broke down again.
An arm wrapped around his shoulders and Remus' soft, broken voice said, "I know, Sirius. I know." And in the dark of Sirius' house, the two remaining Marauders grieved for the broken brotherhood.