I cried so much writing this a few weeks ago. Every girl needs their daddy don't they?
I groaned as the light hit my face, I opened one eye to see John standing opening the curtains. "Why John?" My head thumped and images from last night filled my mind. I knew I was in trouble, big time.
"Why what? Why am I waking you up? Why is there fresh coffee on the night stand? Why haven't I kicked your ass to timbucktoo by now?" I nodded wishing I hadn't, he sighed, "Because I can't really be mad at you. You had every right to react the way you did"
I picked up my phone, slidding into a sitting position. I had a few missed calls and texts.
The first was from Alex. I quickly texted him back telling him I was fine and for a drug dealer he had way to much of a consinece.
Second was from Hunter telling me Vince said I was to have the day off, since he had called him and told him about Alana. I couldn't be pissed, everyone knew I couldn't show up to work today in this state. He also told me if I needed him to just call and I should give John a break. I rolled my eyes.
Third was from Vince telling me exactly what Hunter did.
I had a missed call from Sam and I decided that right now I should ignore it.
John handed me some pain relief and I smiled warmly at him as I downed them with my coffee, "Did you know her last night?" I eyeed him as he played with his hands.
"No" he nodded.
"Why'd you not call me?" he asked and I groaned.
"Because I was under the impression if it didn't involve work, we wern't on talking terms"
"Randy" he tried shaking his head, "I am always here for you when you need me, regardless of any other bullshit that goes on" he looked me dead in the eye, "You could have come to me and I would have welcomed you with open arms. I would have helped you"
"That seems to be the problem with us though doesn't it John" I hissed, "I always need to come to you. You never seem to be able to come to me"
"What do you call last night?" he snapped, "I knew you needed me-"
"I don't need anyone" I hissed, "I was doing just fine on my own"
"Yeah it looked it, drugged and drunk out your face, and fucking the easiest tart in the state?" I dropped my head.
"Fuck off John, you don't get it"
"I'm not trying to pretend I do. I'm just trying to help Randy"
"You can't help this time John. I -" I closed my eyes willing not to lie to him.
"Why? I always help!" he tried.
"Because I want you to badly" I moaned, "I want you so badly it hurts and I don't think I can cope with losing Lana and not having you all in one go" I sighed.
"Oh" was all I got from him as he stood.
"I need to deal with one thing at a time" I pleaded with him and he nodded understanding.
"Of course" He grabbed the little things he had stopping before me left, "Just promise me, no more drugs?" I nodded.
"Last night was a one time thing" I swore and he nodded.
"If you need me you know where to find me" I nodded, praying he wouldn't leave.
But he did because I asked him too, and he thought it's what I not only wanted but needed.
Later that day after I had passed out and slept a little more, got up and finally got showered and dressed I finally picked up the phone to Sam.
"What?" I asked seriously enraged she dared call me.
"Randy, please just here me out?" I groaned, "Alana wants to see you" My heart skipped a beat.
"What?" He almost chocked on my tongue.
"We told her today. She hasn't stopped crying, and just now she locked herself in her room and says she's not coming out till she see's you" I bit my lip having a war with my self, "I'm really scared Randy she's not answering us and I was cleaning her room this morning before Greg got back from work, all the stuffs in there. She could hurt herself please?"
"I'm not coming round because you asked me you know its for her"
"I know" she said.
"I'll be around in 5" I sighed. I grabbed some shoes and my key card.
I tried to sort my head out. I tried to think this through. I had to be strong her Alana. I had to tell her everything was gonna be okay and Greg would look after her and be a good father. I took a deep breath stepping into a cab. I gave them the address and he quickly pulled up only a few blocks away. I would have walked but the cab was there and quicker. I stared at the home that used to be my own. I sighed deeply walking through the front door into the kitchen.
I seen Greg first, his head bowed as soon as he seen me and I scoffed.
"Pussy" I muttered brushing passed him up the stairs to Alana's room. Ignoring the fact that there was still pictures of me and Alana on the walls. Of course she was going to be confused, neither of them had even made a subcontious effort to take me out of her life.
"Alana please come out, Randy said he'd be here soon"
"NO! Your lying!" Alana cried and I quickly jogged along the hall hating the sound of her crying. I got a lump in my throat once more as I tried to hold it back for her.
"Move Sam, you've done enough" I hissed and she nodded walking down the stairs, "Lana" I called softly.
"Daddy?" My chocked up once more.
"Open the door sweety" The lock clicked and she opened a peep, her amazing eyes looking at me. She looked at either end of the hall before grabbing my hand and pulling me into the room and locking it once more.
I sat down against the wall and she came to me. I just held her and started to cry.
"Daddy why are you crying" she asked as she looked up at me tears in her eyes, "Is it cause yoru hurt by her lies?" She asked and I chuckled bitterly.
"I wish they where lies Lana I really do" She looked hurt, something I never wanted to be the cause of but I knew I had to do.
"What do you mean"
"When Daddy was married to Sam, you remember" She nodded her bright eyes swelling with tears, "Well she was loney because I was away so much, and Greg was a friend to her. Mommy ended up falling in love him him, like she used to love me. They done things adults do together, and -" I tried not to cry, she needed this so badly as did I.
"When the stalk came he was confused? I laughed still crying thinking of how me and Sam had told her that stalks brought babies just like in dumbo.
"Yeah" I stroked her insoaint face, she didn't deserve to be caught up in the middle of all of this. She never asked to be born, or to be lied to. She should never have been hurt, "And it took some of mommy's hair and Gregs hair instead of mine"
"Daddy you dont have any hair" I laughed harder, god knew I would miss her. I smiled down at her sweet face before contuning.
"Maybe thats why he was confused" she laughed, "and when you came back from baby land you where Gregs daughter not mine" I chocked out and she started to cry some more, "Mommy ovbiosuly thought because we where married you where mine, but she found out recently that you wern't" She hugged so so tightly.
"I don't want Greg to be my daddy" She cried and I held her so tightly.
"Come on Princess, Greg will be a great dad. He'll be around all the time too, you won't need to miss him" She shook her head.
"He doesn't love me like you do" She cried harder.
"You haven't given him a chance yet" I mumbled, "He didn't know you where his, none of us did"
"Can't I just come with you?" she pouted and I ran my hand through her hair.
"I wish it was that simple baby, I really do"
"Have you known since you left?" She asked and I shook my head.
"Why didn't you come visit then?" She looked so hurt.
"Mommy thought it would be easier on us because of the divorce" I wasn't going to lie to her, she had too much of that in her life.
"Mommy kept you away?" I nodded.
"Thats not fair" she cried harder, "Is she going to keep you away now"
"I think so" She started sobbing hysterically muttering over and over, "I dont want you to leave me"
"I'll never be too far" I tried to make her smile, "You can see me on T.V"
"You can't see me though" I titled my head and she got her own joke and burst out laughing. I couldn't help but laugh with her, she was just so cute.
"I'm telling John" She smiled.
"I miss John too" I nodded,
"Yeah I know sweety" I bit my lip, "But right now, Sams really scared you've hurt yourself. Did you touch any of the cleaning stuff?" I asked her and she shook ehr head.
"You said I wasn't aloud too, so I never have"
"Theres a good girl" I let a few more tears fall.
"Will you miss me daddy" she paused, "Can I still call you daddy"
"I think mommy wants you to call Greg daddy now" She looked hoffified and I was sickend that Sam had left this too me. Had dared even call me. I wanted to remember her happy and boucning and loving like she always was, not heart broken and hurt.
"Can I still call on weekends?" I nodded.
"I'd like that" I smiled still crying. She nodded.
"Moms made such a mess of everything" She cried and I nodded, "Confussing the stalk and everything" In her own childlike way she completely understood everything. "I really dont want you to go"
"I never wanted to go either Princess" This wasn't a lie. I never knew I loved John till Sam left me. If she would have kept it in her pants we'd be so happy right now.
"I hate her" She mutter I pulled her back, "hey thats not fair. Mom didn't want any of this to happen okay?"
"Why'd she have to go to Greg?"
"I'm not completely sure, you'll need to ask moms, but I think she was loney when I was gone and wanted a friend"
"I'm scared" she admitted. I sniffed and nodded.
"I get scared too"
"You never look it" I shrugged.
"Thats just pratice, I always feel it, when I meet new people, when I'm in the ring, and even now Im scared to hurt you" I admitted and she shook her head so voilently her hair fell out of its bunches.
"You can't hurt me, you love me"
"So does mom"
"She doesn't act like it anymore, she always spends time with Greg and Greg says I'm not aloud to watch wrestling anymore, and I'm always with Grandma Orton these days-" She stopped and I knew what had just hit her. She started bawling harder this time and I let her cling to me just soothing her with sweet nothings.
"I dont want a new dad or a new grand parents! I want things to go back to how they where" She cried.
"Change is part of life sweety and even though we don't want it sometimes, we need to ceal with it" She nodded taking in everything I said.
A knock came at the door and Sam called, "Come on darling, you have dance class in half an hour"
She never answered and I called out, "Give us a few more minutes Sam yeah?"
"Okay"
"I dont wanna go, you wont be here when I get back" she pouted.
"Greg will" she once again looked horrified.
"Does it really need to change?" I nodded.
"I'm afraid so, but you call anytime & I'll talk to Greg about letting you watch wrestling again okay?" She nodded, "Hes not really bad is he?" I asked and she shook her head wipping her eye.
"No your just better" I laughed.
"Promise you'll give him a chance? For me?" I asked and she nodded.
"Promise, now promise whenever I phone you'll answer or phone back when you can?"
"Promise" She hugged me tightly and I stood with her still in my arms. I unlocked the door walking downstairs. I walked into the kitchen and seen them both talking in hushed voices.
"Ready Alana?" Sam asked and she nodded, looking at me with her big pouted lip, begging me silently not to go.
"I love you Lana" she nodded.
"I love you too daddy" she cried when Sam took her from my arms. She walked out of the house to the car and I watched from the window.
"Takes a man to do what you done" Greg commented, "Takes a man to cry" I rouned on him
"Takes a coward to stop a 5 year old kid from watching wrestling because he feels threatend by a guy whos half way cross the country" I hissed, "Now your going to listen very fucking carefully" He nodded, "One she loves her wrestling, loves all of the guys John mostly just like any other kid, stop stopping her from watching it" he nodded, "Number two, you start treating her like your daughter, because I'll be damned if I walk out of her life leaving her with someone who she says pays no attention to her" he tried to explain himself, "Number three, whenever and for whatever reason you let her phone me, it's gonna take a lot for her just to forget me. If she wants me I'm always there for her, you tell Sam the same" again he nodded, "And number four - protect her. If anything bad ever happens to her and I mean so much as a paper cut under you watch I will fucking kill you" I shook my head, "You've got a fuck lot of time to make up for a hell of big boots to fill do you understand" He nodded, "Good"
I turned to leave, but he called me. I turned, "For what its worth, I don't think I'll ever replace you in her life. Either of them, I didn't get her the house she wanted or the cars, I never painted the rooms the perfect shade of pink for her little girl, only to change it to blue when Alana said she hated pink. I didn't looked after her and I don't think I'll ever get her like you do, and I know I can't live up to being the father you where" I tried to breathe.
"Sam isn't about the material stuff, I just gave her it anyway, She likes the little things like this" I picked it up, it was Russain dolls, "Shes terrified of them so I bought her them to get over her fear - only cost 2 euros. She likes to be thought of. And Alana desrves a full time dad, not someone whos on the road constatnly. Just look after her for me yeah?" He nodded as I turned once more only to walk straight into Sam.
"Alana wont leave without saying goodbye" she mumbled. I nodded walking out once more standing infront of the window of the car.
"I told Greg, he's gonna let you watch wrestling again" She beamed up at me and I smiled with her.
"We're gonna be late" Sam jumped into the car.
"Good bye daddy, I love you forever"
"I love you too Lana. Always"
I glanced at Sam and smiled sadly, "We could have had it all you know" She bit her lip nodding.
"I'm sorry" she muttered.
"No. I'm sorry. Truly" I knew she wasn't completely to blame.
"Goodbye Randy"
"Bye Sam" I pulled back and she pulled out of the drive way. I watcher her drive out of my life knowing the changes of me ever seeing either of them again her second to none. I took one last look at the house I used to call home one last glance at Greg who looked more at home than I ever did. Before starting the few block walk towards the hotel, leaving my whole life behind.
I cried three times writing this, if you didn't your either heartless or im a shite writer?
Review and tell me which :P