Disclaimer: If I'm here writing fan fiction then it should obvious that I don't own anything…
Author's Note: Sorry I fail at deadlines. You guys seem to like this so I'll keep writing this as long as I can, but I'll be honest I really don't have a plot in mind. But whatever makes you guys happy, this is for you my darlings *creep pedo face* enjoy. Thank you TheJulesTee for editing ("You're lucky I'm nocturnal." ^_^) ...And my little sister...she did like two words.
! The note at the end of this chapter is really important!
Sasori's POV
Deidera: Move your ass man, we gotta get good seats!
Sasori: What's your problem?
Deidera: The sex talk for those poor, horny, delicate children is today. We have to be there so I can write about it in my diary man!
Oh yes, Deidera's precious diary. I recently had the displeasure of reading that piece of unintelligent literature, (without him knowing of course). Every other entry was the same damn thing written over and over again. Sometimes he has something entertaining or interesting to say, but for the most part it says,
Dear Diary,
Today was a bang, un!
Love, DD
And that's it. Why does he even bother writing in it if everything he writes is so pointless! This is the guy I dyed my hair for! I've had a crush on him for years, and just now I'm realizing that he's a total dimwit. And it's not just his diary either. Whenever we get 'down and dirty' he yells, "It's an explosion yeah!" right before he...you know...'explodes.' It's an instant boner kill for me. And he's so dumb.
Art. Bang. Explosion. Un. My man. Yeah. Hmm. There, I just went through Deidera entire vocabulary. Those are about the only six or seven phrases he uses. 'Bang my man. EXPLOSION! That is art, hmm.' He used those very phases in that order just the other day. Illiterate fool.
While I was thinking about this, we made our way to the library where the talk was taking place, and hid behind some of the bookshelves. And we're not bad teachers for doing this. It's a school tradition to cancel afternoon classes and watch these poor fools suffer. We may however be bad teachers for organizing stuff like this in the first place, but would anyone really be that surprised? I mean my boss wants to have a Sasuke themed school dance for his birthday.
Sasori: Who did we choose again to give to the talk?
Deidera: Some man Kakashi found, yeah.
Sasori: *eye twitch* Oh...right.
Diedera: Hey man, you ok?
Sasori: Peachy. Let's just stop talking.
Diedera: Un.
Someone just cut my ears off now! I really take much more of this, I find the way he talks so unattractive. I'm going to have to dump him. But when would the right time be? Definitely not now, I guess there never is a convenient time for matters like this. Either way there will be some sort of 'explosion'. Oh, but it will have to be figured out later, the students are filling in now.
Gaara's POV
Me and Naruto sat near the back, and everyone else took the chairs around us. We weren't really sure why all our afternoon classes were being cancelled, but fact is we don't have to do work now, so it must good...right? Although I have a bad feeling about this.
Orochimaru: All right stupids, shut up and pay attention. Except for you Sasuke, you're the salt of the earth, and you can do no wrong in my eyes. *Wink*
Sasuke facepalmed.
Orochimaru: Now let's see here. There really isn't an easy way to bring up what's about to go down here...Well let's start with this; does anyone here know where babies come from?
Naruto: Is he for real!
Yep, there it is, my bad feeling is now confirmed. We're about to get 'the talk'...again. I've known where babies came since I was in the second grade, when Konkuro oh-so-kindly shared that information with me.
I swear to god Naruto has known about sex since he was four. Of course Jiraiya probably would have felt like a failure of a guardian if he didn't tell him all about what happens when two people rub their slimy funny business together. I really feel bad for Naruto, but then again, he's too dumb to realize how bad he has it sometimes. That must be such a fucking blessing.
Everyone else just sat there and stared back at Orochimaru. Well everyone except Sai, who is stupidly sitting on the edge of his chair waving his hand in the air.
Orochimaru: Alright fine. Answer my question you Sasuke/Justin Bieber poser.
Sai: It's simple. When a man and a woman are married and want kids, they write a letter to the stork. After that, in about a week or two, the stork comes flying through the window with the happy couple's new bundle of joy. Although, I don't really know where the stork gets the baby from...does anyone else know?
Naruto: What! You're kidding right? Haven't you even heard of sex? There's no way that's where you honestly think babies come from!
Sai: ...What is this 'sex' you speak of?
Naruto: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! He doesn't know about sexual intercourse! Gaara switch me spots, I can't be sitting next to this lunatic!
I rolled my eyes and switched seats with Naruto before he gave himself a brain aneurism. Sai looked hurt by the fact that Naruto could no longer stand to be around him.
Gaara: Don't worry about it too much.
Sai: He doesn't like me...
Naruto: Damn right I don't, you disgust me in every possible way a person can disgust me!
Gaara: Well it's just that Naruto lives with a guy who writes porn, therefore Naruto has pretty much been raised to believe that the only reason to live is too have sex. He's probably even thinking of legally changing his name to Sexual Intercourse.
Naruto: What! No I'm- hehe, do you think I could?
Orochimaru: Great Garry, you put the idea in his head and now he's actually going to do it.
Gaara *Eye twitch* It's Gaara.
Sai: What's porn?
Naruto: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH-
Gaara: Oh for fuck's sake, SHUT UP!
Kiba: Look Sai, I understand if you don't know about sex, but how could you not know about porn?
Shino: Do you even try to makes sense anymore?
Kiba: Don't be a fool! If I did that then the baby fish wouldn't be able to swim through their blood filled oxygen pool to get to the mother giraffe.
Shino: ...Acid?
Kiba: Anti-freeze.
Shino: How are you still alive?
Kiba: Kiss me?
Shino: ...No.
Kiba: Shutting down now.
Orochimaru: Morons please; we've gotten so off topic. Sai, that was a fail of an answer, I mean what do you think pregnant people were there for?
Sai: Those are real!
Orochimaru: Ok, so clearly you're all in desperate need of educating. Except for you Sasuke, you're a sex god.
Sasuke: *Rocking back and forth* I cry myself to sleep every night...
Orochimaru: So without further delay, I invite our guest speaker to join me on stage. He is a priest/exorcist... enjoy. Muahahaha!
Naruto: Priest? That means he's catholic right? Hey don't they have a certain reputation?
I was just about to get into dead end, meaningless conversation with him on the subject, but then dry ice smoke started to fill the room, and suspenseful music started playing. Yeah, this guy was going to make a fucking entrance, that's so tacky. I mean, for fuck's sake he's going to give the sex talk to a group 16 and 17 year olds! Get off your high horse you pompous windbag, it's not like you're the pope-
When in the shit did our school get pyrotechnics?
God-like Voice: Introducing, the one, the only, chosen by God himself, FAAAAAAAther Ibiki!
I guess he was just waiting up in the rafter for his line, because right after he was announced (by god knows who) he fell from the ceiling and landed perfectly on his feet. And I have to admit, that was actually pretty cool. His whole get-up was pretty awesome too. He wore these long black robes that had a black mask covering most of his face, and had a long sliver chain with a heavy looking cross at the end of it. I would have actually been impressed with this guy if it weren't for the fact that HE'S ONLY GIVING THE SEX TALK! That automatically makes him nothing more than a drama queen.
Naruto: I suddenly feel the need to repent.
Gaara: For what?
He gave me a look that suggested I had just asked a dumb question.
Naruto: Have you already forgotten that just last week, we broke into our principle's house and touched his Sasuke sex toy?
Sasuke: I heard my name.
Naruto: Oh Sasuke, even though you are my arch nemesis, please believe me when I say that this is for your own well-being. TURN THE FUCK AROUND!
Sasuke: You are, seriously, the biggest spaz-
Gaara: Actually, he's really doing you a favour this time.
Ibiki: You boys over there, shut up! I'm about to give you a talk that will put chest hair on 3 year olds!
Orochimaru: Did you just tell my Sasuke to shut up!
Ibiki: Your Sasuke? Are you in some sort of inappropriate relationship with this boy?
Orochimaru: Oh please, I'm not even gay.
Sasuke: Lies.
Kabuto: *Sniff* No it's true...*Cries*
Sasuke: Where the hell did you come from!
Orochimaru: I want to BE Sasuke, not WITH Sasuke.
Ibiki: Brother please, this unhealthy obsession is keeping you from what is the important thing in life.
Orochimaru: The important thing in life is Sasuke, right?
Ibiki: God, Brother, God. I would like to perform an exorcism on you. This obsession is unlike anything I've ever seen and is clearly the work of a demon.
Orochimaru: No!
Ibiki: ...It'll be good for Sasuke.
Orochimaru: Okay.
Father Ibiki had Orochimaru lie down on a table, as he started reading from his Bible, and drew crosses with chalk around Orochimaru's body.
Shikamaru: A catholic doing witchcraft?
Ibiki: No! No! No! It is not witchcraft, it's Christian-craft!
Shikamaru: ...
Ibiki: Will someone please fetch me my bottle of holy water.
I guess the power of Christ compelled me, or something, because I was the one who got up and walked over to his bag.
Gaara: Which bottle is it in?
The guy had at least 20 bottles of some kind of liquid.
Ibiki: The white one, precious child.
Gaara: *Eye twitch* ...Okay.
Naruto: Hahahahaha!
Gaara: Shut up numb nuts!
I brought the bottle over to Father Ibiki. He closed eyes and said a prayer as he dumped out the contents of the bottle all over Orochimaru. I had no idea that holy water was brown and bubbly. Actually… I know that holy water isn't brown and bubbly. It smells like coke.
Gaara: Umm... Father?
Ibiki: *Opens eyes* Child please I...What the devil! This isn't holy water! This is my diet Pepsi! I told you to get the white bottle! This is clearly eggshell!
Gaara: ...So it won't work with Pepsi?
Ibiki: Of course not! Pepsi is just a gay version of Coke-Cola! This means we made Orochimaru gay! I'm a terrible priest!
Gaara: We!
Sasuke: FuuuuUUUUUUUU-
Kabuto: There is a God!
Orochimaru got off of the table and looked right at Sasuke...
This is going to be good.
Orochimaru: You!
Where did that music come from?
Orochimaru: I wanna take you to a gay bar!
As Orochimaru kept singing, Sasuke got up calmly, and then ran like hell and jumped out the window without bothering to open it first. He ran down the street screaming bloody murder the whole way.
Suigetsu: ...I should...Make sure he doesn't do something foolish...
And with that he jumped out the window and followed Sasuke down the street.
Sai's POV
Orochimaru: Kabuto! I feel that rejection is a horrid bitch, carry me to my office so that I may cry my newly found, gay heart out. And perhaps be taken advantage of, due to my current heartbroken feelings.
Kabuto: How could I have ever doubted God!
Kabuto ran over to Orochimaru and picked him like a princess and ran out of the library. I think it's nice that those two are such good friends. I wish I had a good friend like that. I wonder what they'll do once they get to Orochimaru's office, probably something really fun. I wish I could join them instead of sitting here and listening to this priest.
Ibiki: Alright! I'm here to give you all a certain talk, and by the power of God, I'm going to do it!
Gaara: You just turned our principal gay, causing two students to jump out a window.
Ibiki: Because you gave me the wrong bottle you pagan freak! And remember whenever God closes a door, he opens a window. It now seems like that vice principal is absolutely sure that there is a God now, so it wasn't a complete loss.
Gaara: ...I'm catholic.
Ibiki: Oh...well then you're one of the ones God pays attention to. Please, precious child, go sit down.
Naruto: HAHAHAHAHA! That's never going to stop being funny!
Gaara gave Naruto the middle finger and sat down between us.
Ibiki: First of all does anyone have any questions?
To my surprise Naruto lifted up his hand. I thought he was an expert on this 'sex' as he calls it. Father Ibiki nodded his head at Naruto. Naruto pointed dramatically over at me.
Naruto: Sometimes this poor fool's penis goes hard, and he has no idea what's going on, explain it to him!
Sai: Naruto!
I have no idea how he knows about that. I mean having something like that happen to you can't be normal, and I haven't told anyone. Also whenever that does happen to me I usually just tape it to my leg and wait for it to go away. I'm so embarrassed, so of course I start denying it.
Sai: No it doesn't!
Naruto: Are you kidding me! You've never had a boner!
Sai: A what?
Gaara: It's when your dick goes hard.
Shikamaru: You don't have to all shameful about it Sai. It completely normal, every guy gets them.
Sai: What about girls?
Naruto: ...Does he really not know that-
Shikamaru: Girls don't have penises.
...
Sai: Why not?
Naruto: -
Gaara: NO!
Ibiki: Please, God's little angels, I got this. You see Sai, a 'boner' is the devil's way of trying to control you. Try and think of yourself as a machine and your penis controls and drives you. When you get a boner there is a tiny dick devil that drives you to do crazy, ungodly things; such as touch yourself. Or worse, touch someone else. Unfortunately I've had to perform many exorcisms on the cunning dick devil. Any more questions?
...
Naruto: Did he just forbid masturbation?
Gaara: No, he forbade having a dick altogether.
Sai: What's masturbation?
Ibiki: Of course I should explain-
Naruto: Don't! Your explanations are crap! I'll tell him. Masturbation is when you rub your dick and it feels great.
Sai: With or without the dick devil?
Gaara: There's no such thing as a dick devil.
Ibiki: What! There totally is!
Father Ibiki then went on a rant about how God's 'little angels' (that's us) have completely lost their innocence, and how the dick devil was going to be victorious over us, unless we repent or pay the Father thirty dollars to perform an exorcism... But what about me? I still don't know the meaning of this 'sex', I only just found out that a 'boner' isn't an incurable disease (it does seem to be some sort of supernatural curse...that every boy gets), but I still don't fully understand this masturbation technique, and on top of it all, I've just found out there is no such thing as a female penis. This is so much to take in, and yet I haven't gotten any real information. As for the stork; I'm starting to think that maybe that theory is incorrect.
Ino: That priest has been here for almost two hours and we haven't talked about sex at all.
Kiba: Oh my god! A woman spoke; I totally forgot that we had girls here.
Hinata: But I've been sitting beside you this whole time.
Kiba: Sorry Hinata, but I've been gazing at Shino ever since we got here, and just haven't bothered to notice you.
Shino: Any other word would have been better then 'gazing.'
Kiba: You know Shino, I'm just going to throw this out there-
Shino: Please don't.
Kida: But the thought of doing stuff with you doesn't completely gross me out.
Shino: What are you on?
Kiba: I mean if we were to spontaneously start making out I wouldn't be mad or anything.
Shino: ...I would be.
Kiba: Come on, don't tell me that your balls don't tingle just a little bit at the thought of us two being together.
Shino: They don't.
Kiba: ...But you've thought about it...
Shino: For half a second because you put the idea in my head! And I don't understand why your balls would tingle.
Kiba: Well it could just be the effects of the drugs.
Shino: Again, what are you on?
Kiba: Ecstasy.
Hinata: You took ecstasy...while in school? During the sex talk no less?
Kiba: Everything is better with ecstasy vision!
Shino: Well that explains his slight horny-ness but it doesn't- LET GO OF THAT RIGHT NOW!
Kiba: Sorry.
Shino: As I was saying, it doesn't explain his new found...'curiosity'...
Juugo: I saw him drink a diet Pepsi earlier today. Think about it. If it could turn Orochimaru gay, then maybe it could do the same thing to Kiba.
Everyone stopped and stared at Juugo. He has been here for two weeks and this is the first time we've ever heard him talk. I know that we're both new kids here, and I'll admit that I'm a little hard to figure out sometimes, but he is definitely having a more difficult time fitting in than I am. For starters, he looks like he could be thirty-five. He's unbelievably tall, plus he always sits in the back of the class and says nothing. Even I know that there's something a little bit creepy about that. But maybe we can still be friends, I should think of a nickname for him.
Naruto: Pepsi is now turning people gay...sounds legit.
Juugo: No, only diet Pepsi.
Naruto: Of course, how silly of me.
Juugo: ...I'm not sure if you're taking this seriously or-
Naruto: Trololololololololololol!
Gaara: Yep, he's joking.
Juugo: *Cries* I was being serious! *Runs out of room*
I now know what I will call Juugo. I shall call him the Big One, and he shall be my Big One, and he shall be mine.
Naruto's POV
Sakura: Where did Father Ibiki go?
Gaara: Shut up Sakura!
Sai: He last words were, 'They'll all burn in adultery hell,' and then he left.
Naruto: Shut up Sai!
How dare he speak! How dare he speak to Sakura!
Shikamaru: So then do we really need to be here? School's going to end in half an hour anyways, and they can't get us to take half a class.
Choji: Plus all the other classes got to leave right after lunch.
This was good enough for us. We all ran out of the school the way schizophrenics ran from the 'voices', and on my way out I wrapped one arm around Sai's neck (like a boss) and dragged him all the way to my apartment. He was a good little kidnappee, and didn't yell or squirm, and for that he was rewarded.
I threw him down on the couch, and sat on his stomach. I grabbed his wrists, one in each hand, and pinned them down on either side of his head. I put my face down close to his, so close I could feel his light breath on my lips. I could also feel him shivering slightly beneath me. He must be scared, and he should be.
Naruto: I'm now going to teach you all the things a boy your age should know.
Sai: What...what do you mean?
Naruto: You really are just too innocent. I mean sex retard.
Sai: H-how?
Naruto: Isn't it obvious?
...
Naruto: We will do research on the internet!
I leapt off of Sai and onto the coffee table with one of my fists held firmly on my heart. (What did you think was going to happen? Don't lie; your mind totally went there!) Anyways after stand still in my patriotic pose for a while I grabbed Sai (by the wrist...and nowhere else...) and sat him in front of the computer.
Naruto: Alright so we're going to look all of the important words, such as; sex, orgasm, masturbation, blow job, hand job, and of course the most important one; vag- Hahahahaha! I'm sorry, I'm sorry hahaha! ...Alright, I'm calm now. Vagi- HAHAHAHA! Okay forget it, I can't say it without laughing. Anyways, that's the word we look up first.
Sai: What word? You haven't been able to say it.
Naruto: Oh right. It's va- hehe...Screw it, I'll just type it in for you.
...
Sai: OH MY GOD!
Naruto: I know, it's crazy right.
And just as I was thinking something was missing, Gaara walked through the front door.
Naruto: Don't you ever go home?
Gaara: I just realized I only ever go home when you're coming over to my house. We haven't spent a day apart since the seventh grade. I felt weird in my own house because you weren't there. This is going to sound so cliché, but you know how they say home is where the heart is? Well if that's true, then my home is wherever you are Naruto.
And then, by the power of our bromance we floated across the room to each other. We were surrounded by sparkles (which are totally manly!) and pink fluffy clouds that look like cotton candy (which is not gay!). And then we finally met in the middle and embraced each other in the name of all that is hetero and manly! Our bromance shone so brightly, angelic, and so manly-ee, that we make Zeus look like a pussy! At this moment we were the very definition of bromance!
Sai: Umm question, did you guys just grow a pair of ovaries?
...And our manly moment has just been emasculated.
Naruto: No we did not- Oh, if you know what ovaries are then you must have finished looking at the diagram.
Sai: I also read all the definitions for every part.
Naruto: Good, now on to the next word.
Gaara: What are you guys doing?
Naruto: Giving Sai the sex ed he never got.
Gaara: I see.
It really didn't take long for us to go through all the words. Of course He was pretty shocked by it all, and he still had a few questions...but those were nothing a few of Jiraiya's videos couldn't answer.
Naruto: Alright Sai, on this DVD is about two and a half hours of downloaded porn. This should answer any questions that you may still be having. Now we're going to give you this laptop and have you sit in that closet over there, and don't come out until you've watched it all. Understood?
Sai: Yes.
Naruto: Alright, good luck solider.
Sai went into the closet and closed the door behind him.
Gaara: So...what are we going to do while he's in there?
Naruto: Did you have something in mind?
Gaara bit his bottom lip and stepped closer to me, and spoke in a low voice.
Gaara: Come on Naruto, don't play dumb. You know what I want.
Naruto: You wanna give me a hint?
Gaara put one hand on the walls I was leaning against and brought his face close to mine. He was now looking me directly in the eye.
Gaara: Naruto, our whole bromance thing is nice, but we've moved far past that. We know what we really are. Remember? We found our true selves this summer.
Naruto: Oh...Oh! Wow, you're really in the mood right now.
Gaara: Actually I'm always in the mood...For Call of Duty, Nazi Zombies!
Naruto: Of course we found our true selves as lean, mean zombie killing machines!
(Your mind went to that dirty place again didn't it?) Gaara and I played Nazi Zombies and before we knew two and a half hours were up. Sai walked into the living room, and he looked like hell. He had bags under his eyes, his hair was all messed up, and he somehow looked thinner...Particularly in the face. And speaking of face, he managed to get a five o'clock shadow...In two and a half hours! He spoke in a dazed, distant sounding voice.
Sai: All the things I've seen, all this information, what do I do with it all?
Gaara: Umm...enjoy responsibly...
Naruto: You going to be okay man?
Sai: Yeah...yeah, I'm fine. I just can't believe I'm only finding out about all of this now, you know.
Naruto: Yeah, I guess it would be kind of a shock.
Sai: Well...it's getting late... I should be on my way home now... See you guys tomorrow.
Gaara: Would you like me to drive you home?
Sai: No...no it's fine, the fresh air will do me good... Home isn't far from here anyways.
Gaara: Are you sure?
Sai: Yeah...thanks though...
Naruto: Okay question, how the hell did you manage to get a five o'clock shadow?
Sai: I'm surprised that I only got a five o'clock shadow...That stuff could put pubic hair on a toddler...I'm not kidding, it's intense.
Gaara: Wasn't an early hair-growing joke already used today?
Naruto: This one was a little different so I think its okay.
Sai: ...I'll be on my way now.
Naruto: Okay, see you tomorrow...be safe.
Sai gave us a weak wave and dragged himself over to the door and let himself out.
Naruto: What have we done?
Gaara: We!
Naruto: I mean, we usually just sort of just find out about this stuff over the years from friends and parents, but Sai...He had it all done in one day. No, worse! He had it all done in fewer than three hours; that's just too much for any man to take.
Gaara: Watch as he becomes totally vulgar now.
Naruto: I doubt that, Sai's kind of a quiet guy. He's weird but definitely not vulgar.
Gaara: Weird is right, he didn't even know what a vagina was.
Naruto: HAHAHAHAHA! You said the V-word!
Gaara: *Facepalm* Dude, I am going to butt fuck you.
Naruto: You know it's funny how you can put the words dude, bro, or man in any sentence and it makes it sound completely normal.
Gaara: Indeed. Now get down on all fours, bro.
...
Gaara: ...I was joking.
Naruto: You're humour sickens me.
Gaara: You thought about it sickness, didn't you?
Naruto: Yeah, because you said it!
Gaara: Hahahaha! You actually thought about it!
Naruto: Only because you said-
Gaara: Was it good bro?
Naruto: No! How could anything up the ass feel good!
Gaara: I was also the seme! Hahahaha! In your own fantasy too! Haha!
Naruto: It wasn't a fantasy it was a nightmare! And hasn't the whole 'OMG, you thought about it' already been used today as well!
Gaara: This is totally different; I got you so good! Haha!
Naruto: ...I'm going to bed.
Gaara: Alright sweetheart I'll be there in fifteen minutes! Haha!
Naruto: It's already gotten old Gaara.
I flipped him the bird and slammed my bedroom door behind me. And I realized something; it's only seven o'clock.
That's right Naruto and Gaara are so hetero it's almost homo...Prepare for fan service! And In the next chapter I'm SO going to build on Sasori breaking up with Deidera!