Disclaimer:I would own Naruto if Masashi Kishimoto didn't...pffft! Suuure I would.
Thanks to TheJulesTee you guys will be able to understand this...and thank you BlackNinja0227. Your message gave me a kick in the butt to just finish this chapter already...I've only had it for 2 months :P. Warning: I'm not really sure if this chapter is funny...But I KNOW it's overboard creepy, and probably offensive...it's worse than the horny daddy Sasuke dream ride. Read at your own risk.
Deidera's POV
Deidera: Some say love, it is a river that-
Sasori: We need to talk.
Deidera: Sasori my man! I was just sitting here colouring in my explosions colouring book, singing and thinking about you! Oh my god we are SO in love un!
Sasori: You're just lying down in the middle of the hall way...
Deidera: So what? School's over yeah!
Sasori: I'm breaking up with you. You're just too...annoying...
Deidera: Ok man.
Sasori: ...It's that easy...
Deidera: Yep.
My man Sasori here thinks way too highly of himself. Did he honestly think that I found him so irresistible, that I would cry over him? To be honest, he's a little too mature for me...Which is pretty much just another way of saying he was incredibly boring un! Besides, he's not done with this conversation, he's going to turn around and ask me right about...now.
Sasori: OK I just have to ask...
I fucking told ya un!
Sasori: Why was that so easy?
Deidera: What can I say man? It wasn't really that great yeah.
Sasori: But you just said we were in love...
Deidera: ...I'm 19, I'll say that to anything, let's face it, 'love', is the most over used word ever. I even have a kid in my art class who has it tattooed on his face man!
Sasori: 19! How the hell can you be 19! You've been working here for 2 years!
Deidera: Yeah, funny story man...
Flashback ~in a warehouse where Deidera once worked~
Orochimaru: It's here isn't it?!
Deidera: Ummm... probably...
Orochimaru: Insolent youth! You have no idea what I'm talking about do you?!
Deidera: Yeah no clue un.
Orochimaru: ... un... do you have a speech impediment or something!
Deidera: Look man I'm tired just tell me what you're here for yeah.
Orochimaru: I am on the lookout for a very rare item and I understand it has been brought here. They call it... THE HORNY DADDY SASUKE DREAM RIDE!
Then a single golden light shone down on him as if God himself was pissing on him. And two chubby, baby Sasuke angels flew over him with a banner that said, "Behold Thy Chosen Pedophile." Then the baby Sasuke angels exploded into more baby Sasukes. Orochimaru sat there snickering and blushing...
Orochimaru: Oh... teehee cute!
Flashback paused
Sasori: What the hell!?
Deidera: No interruptions! Anyways... un...
Sasori: *twitch*
Back to flashback
Deidera: Oh of course the Horny Daddy Sasuke Dream Ride. Right this way un. Pretty tragic story about the girl that owned it, right?
Orochimaru: Oh yes 'tragic.'
Deidera: Heard she accidently suffocated in her own pillow.
Orochimaru: Oh yes 'accident.'
Deidera: Anyway, here it is man.
Orochimaru: *gasp* Its FAAAAABULOUS!
Deidera: It's definitely a unique piece of art yeah.
Orochimaru: ...art...Yes, yes! That's exactly what this is! A beautiful, sexy piece of art! What is your name!
Deidera: Deidera un!
Orochimaru: You're hired Deidera!
Deidera: Sweet...hired for what?
Orochimaru: You're going to be my school's new art teacher!
Deidera: Don't you have to go to university for like four years to become a teacher? I'm not even done high school yet.
Orochimaru: To be an art teacher!? That's total bullshit; art teachers aren't real teachers. And besides, my school's on welfare; therefore I can't really afford a real teacher anyway! Isn't that fan-sasukeisasexybeast-tastic!
Deidera: Yeah man! Oh, and I should probably mention that I'm a pyromaniac...
Orochimaru: Well I should probably mention that you get no benefits and the pay is crap.
Deidera: ...I'll still take the job.
Orochimaru: Wonderful! Well Sasuke and I should be on our way now; see you on Monday.
End of flashback
Deidera: The end yeah.
Sasori just stood there rubbing his temples. That's totally an old man pose, another good reason why we aren't good together ...He's 16 years older than me yeah! What? You think age is just a number? Allow me to put things into perspective for you, yeah? When I was a useless baby who couldn't do anything but eat and shit, he was getting his driver's licence. When I was in preschool, he was in university. He's middle aged and I'm a teenager. When he's old enough for senior discounts, I'll just start using Viagra… But he looks like he's 21, so all of this is allowed un!
Sasori: So you're telling me that we fired Mrs. Chiyo and hired you because you helped Orochimaru with his Sasuke obsession?
Diedera: Yeah, have you shit bricks over it yet!?
Sasori: That poor woman died 2 weeks later of a broken heart!
Diedera: She was almost as old as you! She was dying of death!
Sasori: ...Dying of death...I'm going home. Good night.
Diedera: Oh sure walk away and ignore the fact that I just made fun of your age! I guess that would be the mature thing to do! And by the way...IT'S ONLY 4:30! Asshole yeah.
I watched him walk all the way to the door without even acknowledging me. But I've actually been waiting for him leave, like they always say 'when the cat's away, the mice will play un.' I took out the small pack of matches from my pocket and did what any 19 year old that just got dumped would do. I lit my colouring book on fire and danced around it like a savage! (Because yes, 19 year olds have colouring books) That lasted for about 30 seconds before the fire alarm went off and the sprinklers where activated.
Deidera: Aw, now I'm sad yeah.
Orochimaru's POV (next day)
Orochimaru: Quickly Kabuto come here!
Kabuto's chubby little legs ran over to me as fast as they could carry him. It's good to be a sir.
Kabuto: What would you like sir?
Orochimaru: Get me some high heels, a thong, a cosmopolitan, and rent me 'Sex and the City'! Now!
Kabuto: ...Why?
Orochimaru: Obviously, I'm going to wear the thong and high heels, drink the cosmo, and watch 'Sex and the City'...fool. Now that I'm a gay, I really need to embrace the gay culture. And make it snappy!
Kabuto: Y-yes sir!
And with that Kabuto sprinted out the door. What the hell was I supposed to do while I wait for him? Think! What does a gay do in his spare time? Just then I glanced out my office window only to see a delicious Uchiha walk by; then the answer to my boredom became so clear. I creeped over to the door and opened it just enough so I could see that sexy hunk of a boy. He kept walking and once his back was turn to me I got down on the floor and crawled out of my office. I think I crawled through some spit but it will all be worth it once I get to my Sasuke. Mmm, Sasuke. I crawled until I was right on his heels, then I jumped to my feet and buried my face in the back of Sasuke's head and inhaled deeply.
Orochimaru: Oh how I love the smell of Sasuke in the morning!
Sasuke: What the hell!? Oh god not you...
Orochimaru: Why hello there Sasuke! My you get hotter and hotter every time I see you. Meow! *wink*
Sasuke: You know what; I'm not even surprised anymore. There is seriously nothing you can do to me that I will find shocking.
Orochimaru: Oh ho! Challenge accepted! *takes off shirt*
Sasuke: Ok that's really not- OH MY GOD!
Orochimaru: That's right Sasuke! It's a giant tattoo of your face; look my nipples are your eyes! It hurt like a bitch but it was so worth it!
Sasuke: O.O
Orochimaru: What's this? I believed some one's a little shocked.
Sasuke: ...Why do you do this to me?
Orochimaru: So what do you think?
Sasuke: I think...I need mind bleach. That image is never ever going to leave my mind!
Then he turned on his heels and ran to whatever class he has now. He's just so cute when he runs! I mean look at his firm, little ass; I just want to squeeze it!
Orochimaru: Wait! Do you want to watch 'Sex and the City' with me!?
Sasuke: HELL NO!
I returned to my office. This was usually the time of day that I talk to myself in the mirror. I sat down behind my desk and rummaged around for my hand mirror...Damn it, where is that mirror...Oh yes! I found it! Let the wooing begin.
Orochimaru: Look at you, you gorgeous, sexy critter. There is nothing you can't do, because you are Orochimaru, and the world is your bitch. Yes, you the gorgeous, sexy dog catcher, and everyone else is your bitch. And what do bitches do? They rub their asses on your carpet. So what do you do? You scold them! Yes, you scold them with any mean necessary. Whether that is with a whip, or a gag, or a dildo, especially a dildo. Because you are Orochimaru, and there isn't anything you can't do-
Kabuto: I'm back!
Orochimaru: Go away Kabuto! I'm doing some soul searching!
Kabuto: So sorry sir...
Kabuto closed the door behind him. Now where was I...Oh yes!
Orochimaru: See the way he listens to you? It's because he is your bitch. The only thing that could make you more amazing is if you were Sasuke. But wait, what's this? Sasuke's under your shirt; so you are both Sasuke and Orochimaru...this means...the world is you're double bitch! And you are now the sexy dog catcher...double time. That was good. Alright Kabuto, you can come in now.
Kabuto burst through the door with an arm load of the items I had asked him to get and threw them on my desk.
Kabuto: Here's all that gay stuff you asked for!
Orochimaru: What the hell is this!?
I lifted up the purple lacy thong with two fingers and slapped him in the face with it.
Kabuto: ...The thing you wanted. You look so good in purple.
Orochimaru: I want to embrace gay culture not women culture, you stupid fruit! I will be the laughing stock of the whole school if they were to see me in this! Why couldn't you just get me black one!? Sasuke isn't going to be happy about this.
Kabuto: ...Sasuke? What does he got to do with anything?
I took off my shirt. Sasuke was definitely going to have a say in this! I pinched the two fat folds of my stomach together where Sasuke's mouth was. Now I could make him talk! This giant tattoo was such a good idea!
Sasuke Tat: Come on Kabuto! A nice black thong will make Orochimaru's package look huge, where as this purple one makes it look girly and small.
Orochimaru: Well said Sasuke!
Kabuto: I think this is the first time I've ever been scared of you...
Sasuke Tat: Orochimaru is a sex god.
Orochimaru: Oh Sasuke, you flatter me so.
Kabuto: I'll flatter you Orochimaru!
Orochimaru: Get me a proper thong fit for a man and then you will be considered mildly important again.
Kabuto: Fiiiiiiiiiiiine...
Sasuke Tat: Don't be such a whinny bitch and just do what the lord says.
Kabuto: ...The lord...are you serious?
Sasuke Tat: Yes.
Kabuto: Screw you Sasuke.
Orochimaru: *gasp* Sasuke! Shield your ears from such hurtful things!
Then I realized, as I was lifting up my hands to block Sasuke's ears, he had no ears. How could that stupid tattoo artist forget Sasuke's perfect ears!? There will be hell to pay for this.
Kabuto: Fine I'll go and return the thong and bring you a black one.
Orochimaru: One that looks nice.
Kabuto: Of course.
Orochimaru: And not too expensive.
Kabuto: Right.
And Kabuto left to go and do his job right this time.
Naruto's POV
Naruto: I'm boooooored.
Gaara: So what do you want me to do about it?
Naruto: I don't know...Could you try to stick your fist in your mouth? That might entertain me.
Gaara: Naruto, guys asks girls to stick their fists in their mouths to see if they would be any good at blow jobs...
Naruto: Soooooo is that a no?
Gaara: Well I guess I could...But only because I'm really bored as well.
Naruto: Alright then, go.
I was actually impressed. He got almost down to his wrist.
Naruto: I'm SO turned on right now.
Gaara was gagging and hacking as he pulled his fist out of his mouth. Tears started running down his cheeks and his face was all red. That's where the real entertainment lies! That's right, I'm cleverer than people give me credit for. After Gaara finished hacking his lungs out he looked over at me with wide eyes.
Gaara: What the fuck!?
Naruto: Calm down, I just said that because I was bored.
Gaara: Then what is that?
Gaara narrowed his eyes and pointed down at my pants. I looked down to see what the hell he was talking about; because I know for a fact that there is no way that I could be turned on in chemistry. It's the most boring difficult class I have this year. Everyone sleeps through it including the teacher, it's that bad. Anyways as I was looking down I was kicked, yes kicked not punched, right in the side of my gorgeous and totally manly face (which Sakura should be kissing right now!)
Naruto: Ah! Why!?
Gaara: Seriously you're surprised? C'mon you got me to choke on my own hand. What if I had died? I would have died looking like a bulimic...Bulimia's for girls!
Naruto: Aren't there also bulimic men?
Gaara: Yeah, not straight ones though.
Naruto: So the only way a guy can get bulimia is if he's gay?
Gaara: Yes. Same with Aids.
Naruto: ...Ok, I thought you were supposed to be the smarter one out of the two of us.
Gaara: I was, but then everything changed when the fire nation attacked. Plus also I was being sarcastic.
Naruto: Aha! I love that meme!
Gaara: Indeed.
After a while I realized that when Gaara kicked me I fell out of my desk, and after falling out of my desk I never bothered to get back up. I also realized that I shouldn't let Gaara get away with kicking my in the face like that. I mean I can already feel the bruise forming. I reached into my back pack and grabbed my package of skittles; I grabbed a hand full and threw that at his face!
Naruto: Taste the rainbow bitch!
...Yes, that was my brilliant revenge. Gaara just sat there looking down at me. Now usually a teacher would have stepped in at this point, Asuma however isn't even here. He's actually been gone a long time, probably having sexy rumpus time with Kurenai. Come on we all know its happening. Now I as I was thinking about ramen (because after accidently thinking about teacher sex I like to think about ramen to mend my broken mind) Gaara attacked me...again!
Naruto: AAAAHHHHHHH!
Gaara: I LOATH rainbows!
Gaara and I wrestled throughout the classroom. Most of the class was awake by this time I got Gaara in a head lock. However he managed to kick me in the shin and then bit me in the shoulder as he punched me in the ribs. I punched him in the gut and rustled him to the floor, because that's obviously the smart thing to do if I don't want to die. We got shoved into a few desks, and may have broken a few chairs. But of course the worst part was the fact that Asuma decided to come back to class. I mean of course he would right? The universe just loves to hate me.
Asuma: Office. Now.
Naruto: Aw, why?
Asuma: Are you kidding me? Just go.
Gaara: Sucker
Asuma: You too Gaara.
Gaara: But he started it.
Asuma: But you freak the hell out of me.
Naruto: Ugh, let's just go.
Both me at Gaara walked out of the class room and kept shoving each other into walls and lockers as we walked to the office. Once we got there I put my hand on the door knob.
Naruto: Haha remember what happened last time we were here?
Gaara: Oh yeah, ha, I doubt anything could top that.
...I doubt anything could top that...famous last words. I opened the door to see Orochimaru walking around his office in nothing but a thong and high heels! The universe just loves to hate me. The worst part is; both me and Gaara were too shocked to move. We had to stand there frozen with fear staring at the very thing that was causing the fear. It took Orochimaru a while before he noticed us standing there.
Sasuke Tat: It's not what it looks like...
I closed the office door, grabbed Gaara's wrist and backed away from the door.
Gaara: What has been seen cannot be unseen.
There were no words to express what I was feeling...so I cried. Orochimaru opened up the door; he now had a bathrobe covering his pasty, white, and Sasuke infested body. You have no idea how much I hate the fact that I know that.
Orochimaru: Hello Naruto, Garry. Is there something I can help you with?
Gaara: Why is your entire torso a picture of Sasuke's face?
Orochimaru: *sigh* Because I want to touch him in the butt, plus also I have an unhealthy obsession with him. I do not see how you keep forgetting that.
Naruto: I don't see why everyone is so obsessed with Sasuke! I mean he's smart, but that's just a boring version of being clever. He has no real talent because he's just good at everything he tries, and for the love of god; he's not that hot!
Orochimaru: Naruto, am I correct in assuming that you and Sasuke have some sort of rivalry going on here?
Naruto: ...I guess.
Orochimaru: Well Naruto the reason you are so inferior to Sasuke is because he's a famous porn star and you're just a guy who eats too much ramen. It's quite unattractive really.
Gaara: Wait. Sasuke Uchiha? The Sasuke Uchiha, is a porn star?
Orochimaru: Oh yes, in fact his whole family is. How do you think they got so rich in this economy?
Naruto: I'm not sure how to handle this information...
Orochimaru: Well I'm just letting you know so that you're not crushed every time he completely destroys you in whatever competition you guys are having. I mean, that boy has literally been doing porn since the day he was born.
Gaara: What do you mean by literally?
Naruto: Please don't ask.
Orochimaru: Well you see-
Naruto: Great, see what you've done!
Orochimaru: His birth video counted as a porn film...I think...Or maybe it was just a documentary.
Naruto: ...eeewwwwwww.
Gaara: Is that even legal?
Naruto: Gaara stop asking questions!
Orochimaru: In some countries. Funny thing is he hasn't been in a porn film since...If that was even a porn film...come to think of it, I think it was just a documentary. But his family really is in the porn industry and Sasuke is turning eighteen soon! You know what that means...
Naruto: Please don't talk anymore.
Orochimaru: Well boys thanks for stopping by, you can go now; I have a lot of work to do. Bye!
Then he just closed the door on us; leaving two somewhat innocent minors to be mind fucked again and again by all these dirty information. What a truly cruel world this is.
Naruto: Is every time we seen Orochimaru just going to get more and more disturbing?
Gaara: Considering we were supposed to get detention, I didn't think it was that bad.
Naruto: *shrugs* Meh, I guess.
Gaara: So what are you going to do with all this information?
Naruto: What do you mean 'do with it'!? I'm going to pretend I never heard any of it!
Gaara: Naruto. You and Sasuke have been feuding for years and he always beats you. You now have information that could destroy him...and you're going to pretend you've never heard it!?
Naruto: Go on...
Gaara: Okay, doesn't Suigetsu look familiar?
Naruto: Umm...no.
Gaara: Naruto, he's a twenty year old drag queen.
Naruto: ...How do you know this?
Gaara: How do you not know this!? He's on the cover of half the magazines Jiraya owns.
Naruto: ...Oh my god! That hot babe is Suigetsu!?
Gaara: Yeah not only that, but Juugo is usually the photographer for him...He's also a cameraman.
Naruto: So you think that Suigetsu and Sasuke are going to be in a porm film, filmed by Juugo?
Gaara: Well yeah.
Naruto: I'm not even going to question how you know all this...but I think I know how to defeat Sasuke now!
Gaara: Alright how?
Naruto: Me and you are going to star in a porn film together! One waaaaay better then Sasuke's!
Gaara: Awesome. Wait...WHAT!?
Naruto: C'mon we won't get naked or touch or anything.
Gaara: ...What the hell kind of porn are you making?
Naruto: We need to find the owner of this camera, so they can film us!
I pulled out the camera that Gaara took from the party at Ino's a few weeks ago. Yes...the one with all the crotch pictures on it.
Gaara: ...This is going to turn out so bad.
The end...for now...my brain needs help.
I love you. I will miss you.