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18
As snow falls on desert sky
Until the end of everything
I'm trying, I'm trying, to let you know
Just how much you mean to me.

A single strong, brave breath, and I forced myself to my feet.

I had a few hours until Hammond returned for our midday meal, with news of the treasury and traders. William was pelting across the land towards the Duke's castle, where he would likely appoint volunteers to aid him in collecting the villages, saving as much time as he could. But it would still be days before every Count and Viscount, every Steward and Reeve was gathered in this room, discussing our future.

I couldn't possibly plot ahead without Hammond's help. Plans for the long term, he had said.
For now I would focus upon reconciling myself with my personal future – and tidy away my past.
It was time to rid the royal chamber of Ravenna's possessions… and my father's. It was time to move in.

My legs were stiff, my shoulders were heavy.

All those clothes I had found, on my search for the huntsman's new garments… the clothes still folded and hanging in the wardrobe room, belonging to my father. She hadn't thrown them away, only pushed them to one side as relics, outshone by her own elaborate gowns and capes, her stuffed boxes of jewels and rings and trinkets. They were trophies to her, his surcoats, his belts, his breeches. Even his crown was there, flung over a pair of boots, like any old object. I had caught sight of it only briefly. Enough to make me run for my life, back to the warm candlelight of the bathing room.

That crown.
Its shape and its dull golden hue encircled my mind, in a perfect wrought hoop of beauty.

And then, quite suddenly, it was settled on the huntsman's dark mane of hair - glossy with the sheen of royalty - above his heavy masculine brow and clear kind eyes. Eyes that projected shafts of blue light into my soul and touched me, tender. Eyes that matched the velvet surcoat, a surcoat that concealed such a perfect body, a body I longed for. A body that moved towards me across the royal chamber, within the privacy of walls and wedlock, in slow trustworthy purpose. A body that would soon unite with mine, somehow. My racing pulse and my giddy head as I slipped into his arms like a swan, graceful and desired and white in all my exposure. His heavy brow and kind eyes and curving lips bending towards my face, to meet me, to join…

"Hallo again."

I jumped a foot in the air, only just managing to bite back a yelp.
From the concealment of a doorway, a figure had stepped out and blocked my path, towering and broad. Smiling.

Him. Only him.

"You frightened me," I gasped, "you troll!"
"I couldn't possibly set off without saying goodbye." his northern cadence laughed at me quietly, "I shan't return until the evening, perhaps the dawn."

I was hardly concentrating on his words; my embarrassment dimmed everything else.
If he knew, if he only knew what ghastly things I had been imagining the instant he interrupted me!
I was on fire with the intensity of shame. And something else.

"So are you going to wish me successful hunting?"
I flinched, and looked up from the floor. His mouth was twisted up into confused teasing fondness.

"You're very cheerful."
"I have been waiting to jump out at you for the past ten minutes."
"Jump out at me?" I bit my lip, trying not to let my aggravation show, and utterly failing. "You are about to lead a hunting party to save my kingdom from starvation."

"I thought I'd honour you with a demonstration. Get in some last minute practice."
His warm humour would have mollified me just hours ago. But now – still feeling as though I had been caught in some unspeakable act of adultery – so afraid, and so alone – I couldn't understand it. I couldn't comprehend his jovial manner.

I was on my way to bid the remnants of my father farewell.

"How can you be so cold?" I found myself asking, in all seriousness, and meaning it.
His face fell in an instant. "I don't know what you mean."

I thought of a thousand different ways to chide him, and each one fell uselessly away. I didn't want to have to explain. He should know. He should know what a fool he made himself look, cavorting about while my people suffered below us.

"Just – be more respectful." I tried to edge past him, to get away from all this, to hide in the peaceful melancholy of my father's wardrobe chamber. To rid myself of the plague of images, the tainted desires.

Once again he blocked my way, forcing me to look at him, his expression abruptly full of solemn sincerity.
I hated the circles of gorgeous blue that locked my gaze with his. Hated the reaction it caused in me.

"I meant no harm. Snow White." His hands were extended, as though to touch me. "Surely you understand."
"What is there to understand?"
"That my obligation is not only to your people."

His softness almost killed me. Couldn't he see how it tortured me, how it racked me with uncertainty, how it made me wish for things I couldn't ask for?

"My occupation certainly isn't to advise." he acknowledged the Duke's superior right with a weak smile, "And it isn't only to protect. You know. You know I am here because you need somebody to remind you."
My blood quickened. "Remind me?"
"That you aren't just a slave to your kingdom." He was drawing closer, ready to envelope me. "You are human. You deserve to be human. And I should like you to stay that way. There's the world, and then - there's you. And me."

"You and me?"
"Aye. Have you forgotten already?" It made me feel even worse to see him saddened than to see him cheerful. "Our journey, our friends? Our few moments of – of freedom?"

I hadn't forgotten. I knew exactly what he was talking about.
That huge, daunting world of responsibilities and actions had somehow, along the way, cut itself off from the world that the huntsman and I alone inhabited. We were living two lives. Two half lives.

But I didn't want to know, and I didn't want to be exposed to him another minute in this state.
It was too much.

He was trying to keep me whole, intact, a vessel full of realness and life.
But I was a wheel. A gigantic wheel that turned other wheels, that kept a cycle going. I was the conductor of a purpose. I was the tool, the key to a new beginning for these people.

I couldn't, I realised – I couldn't be as real as he wanted me to be. I couldn't be both things.
He couldn't force me.

"I'm sorry." I muttered, and pushed my way to liberty, evading his hands, evading his bewildered gaze. "I have to go and – and clear the wardrobe for my own use. I will relocate to my proper chambers tonight."

Without meaning to I had stopped to look back at him, from my retreating position. To apologise without words.

He was standing as one abandoned – a desolate look had come into his face like a gathering cloud. The blue halos were dimmed. I had betrayed him, and now he accused me with those slumping shoulders, with those silent parted lips. I had made him obsolete, I had cut him off, I was the cruellest wretch alive.

I was just like her.

The thought almost knocked me to the floor. The heartlessness of it, the despair.
Was this what power did? Was this how she had become a witch? By becoming non-human, a wheel?

"I don't…" My mouth broke around the words, struggling for more, unable to find expression.
"Snow White." he breathed, understanding my anguish, understanding despite my inability to tell him. "You don't have to become this. You are allowed to have a heart. How could you care for them otherwise?"

He closed the space between us in three long strides, and I let all the breath slide out of me as I was finally in his arms, my head cradled against his chest like a child, the whole world kept at bay by the broad wall of his back, giving me room at last to be myself. Myself, and him. Sheltered from the world.

And we weren't living two half lives after all.
I couldn't have been a human, were I stranded there alone. But he had strength enough for the both of us.
He would hold my soul aloft from the crowds. He would protect me from my own mind.

And still I couldn't bring myself to be courageous.
Still I couldn't lift my face to his.
Still I didn't dare to kiss him.

In case he didn't kiss me back.