Chapter 36- Facing reality part2

Erik wasn't asleep; it was more of a withdrawal from reality by closing your eyes and remaining still. In this state his mind drifted, hopping from one thought to the next, dancing around a nexus which if he was indeed focusing would resemble a Charles shaped shadow. Erik heard the door of the bedroom open and the soft footsteps across the wooden floors of the professor's apartment but his consciousness hovered so close to sleep that the sounds and what it meant had not registered fully. He continued to drift, secure in his surroundings because his unconscious mind had recognized the man who had entered. He was in no danger. However, the sharp gasp of panic that hit his eardrums was too strong for him to remain in his languid state. His eyes popped open to regard the professor in the doorway, who was clearly terrified at finding him lying in his bathtub.

'What?' he inquired grumpily, as the Englishman promptly grabbed a nearby seat on the lid of his toilet, clutching at his heart after his fright. Erik was so well acquainted with Charles' facial expressions that he had already deduced what the young man had been thinking. His face twisted in an expression of scorn.

'You don't really think I would, with deliberate premeditation, climb into your tub just so that I could slit my wrist or do something equally foolish?' he mocked him mercilessly. 'I like you a lot but that would be going too far. Suicide is for cowards.'

It was all well and good for Erik to sneer. He hadn't see it from his point of view; the way the older man's head was tilted at a strange angle, the paleness of his skin intensified by the white marble of the tub, the harshness of the overhead lights picking out the delicate blue veins in the man's neck. Only now that he was closer, did Charles realize that Erik was fully dressed and that the bathtub was empty.

'I like your gloves,' the young man remarked weakly, unable to think of anything more suitable.

Erik removed the bright pink protective devices off his hands. 'It was all that I could find. Watch your step, I just polished the floor.'

The professor kicked off his shoes and carefully walked forward until he was able to grasp the other man's outstretched hands. Using Erik's weight as a counterbalance, he stepped into the tub and lowered himself down to a sitting position. Not exactly the most comfortable position for two men but since they were friendlier than most, there was no reaction when Erik placed the professor's sock clad feet on his chest and absently began massaging them.

'Why are you here? I wasn't expecting you for hours,' the older man remarked curiously.

Ashley the cat, leapt unto the edge of the bathtub, needing no assistance in balancing on the one inch of ledge that was available to her.

'I could ask you the same. Aren't you supposed to be at Jean's?' Charles leaned his head back to study the ceiling, closing his eyes for a few moments just to savor the silence and the fact that he was home. 'I'm glad you are here.'

His words had come out spontaneously. Despite the emotional roller coaster ride he had been on today, it was a relief that in the one remaining hour left in the day, that he was home and that Erik was with him.

'I'm glad you're here too,' Erik added quietly. The young man opened his eyes and looked at him. 'You have…if I have never told you this before Charles, you have a sweet smile.'

'I know,' the professor replied with an impudent wink in his direction, enjoying one of the rare smiles that he was able to draw out of Erik in return.

Charles gestured at the gleaming appliances in his bathroom, 'It's never looked cleaner. Is this what you have been occupying your time with tonight?'

'I would rather hear about your evening.'

The Englishman sighed and resumed staring at the ceiling again, 'The Shakespeare was excellent; Midsummer's night dream. The actor who portrayed Puck stole the entire show. The dinner…it wasn't so good Erik. Hank is a bit eager or is anxious the better word?

The other man stiffened like a hunting dog suddenly scenting its prey.

'You're kidding!' Erik yelled out incredulously, 'do you mean I have to find McCoy in the morning and rearrange his face?'

'No, nothing like that,' the professor reassured him with a casual wave of his hand, 'his dinner conversation just left a lot to be desired.'

Henry hadn't fallen into the obvious trap of selecting a pretension restaurant for dinner however, his subsequent conversation which more likened to that of a Spanish inquisition seriously rankled on Charles' nerves. The professor had tried to nudge Hank into a more suitable discourse that would favor his romantic suit, but to no avail. Finally the Englishman snapped, declaring if he wanted to know so much about Erik perhaps he should have invited him to dinner too! Charles could understand that Henry was curious about what was going on between them but they could have had that discussion at any old time around the water cooler in the office!

Realizing he had made a mistake, the young doctor timidly restricted his later remarks to the weather and the food, which naturally did little to resuscitate their date. Charles did not even bother to try and help him out of his quandary, but absently nodded at what he hoped was strategic points in Hank's dialogue. Instead of helping him forget Erik for the night, his university colleague had just made him miss him even more. He was also desperately worried about the way he had just walked off and hadn't even said goodbye to Erik. It was such an awful thing to have done to the other man!

'Dearest, I think this outing was a mistake,' Charles commented with a heartfelt sigh as he jiggled his left foot. Erik obligingly restarted his massage.

'Yes, I think so too' the larger man replied.

Both the professor's eyebrows sprung up in surprise. This was different.

'And what brought on this change of heart?' he inquired cautiously.

Erik shifted around looking a little sheepish and unsure. 'Raven came by this evening looking for company to go see a movie. I think its then I realized how sort of…weird it was …even considering going out with someone else that wasn't you. And if I, heartless bastard that I am, could feel like that, I could just imagine what you were going through. I should have listened more to what you were trying to say.'

Charles pressed his lips together in annoyance. He had been talking himself hoarse for weeks about this and just one visit from one of the neighbors had been sufficient to bring Erik around. WHY was this his life?

'I needed to get away for a bit in any case. Sometimes speaking to you is like talking to a block of wood but you are not a heartless bastard!' Charles protested vigorously, 'far from it. I've never met anyone who is trying so hard to make sure I was happy. Even this whole Hank fiasco I know, was some misconstrued attempt at that.'

Erik inched forward uncertainly, wanting to be closer but doubtful of his welcome. Although the professor's tone was conciliatory, it didn't really match the irritated look on his face. He slid over quickly as Charles opened his arms, twisting around so that he could lay his tired back on the man's chest.

'Too heavy?' he asked worriedly, as the professor embraced his torso, nudging him to sit in between his legs.

Erik WAS a little too heavy to be entirely comfortable but the Englishman wasn't going to admit that and spoil their cozy little interlude.

'Don't move,' he ordered, placing a soft kiss on the older man's temple, 'you're perfect right where you are.'

Erik folded his own arms over that of the professor just as the other man soothingly stroked the top of his head and so the couple remained quietly for a few minutes.

'But if you want to try with McCoy again,' Erik suddenly blurted out, 'I am alright with that.'

Charles sighed in exasperation and leaned down to nuzzle his cheek.

'That's very generous of you, dearest. But we are not going to torture each other like this. You may not want me as your boyfriend but I agree with what you said before; it did feel completely abnormal being out with someone that wasn't you. So … we can just shelf this particular social experiment.'

As physically entwined as they were, Erik felt there was no way that Charles could miss his shudder of relief but the other man graciously didn't comment. It's not that he didn't want Xavier to eventually find someone to care about, but he would rather be a million miles away when it happened.

'Alright tell me,' the Englishman prodded, 'I can hear your brain churning away. What's bothering you now?'

Crap! Was the professor doing that mind reading thingee again?

'There is something else,' Erik began quickly before his courage gave way. 'This is hard for me to say, so just let me say it.'

The Englishman perched his chin on the other man's shoulder waiting patiently.

'It really disturbed me when you just walked out the mansion like that. Don't…' and here Erik stopped. What right did he have to be making demands on the young man in his own house? 'Just reconsider next time you feel compelled to do so. How would you feel if something had happened to me when we were apart? You would feel like shit.'

As Charles pulled on his shoulder, he turned his head around to eagerly accept the man's apologetic kiss; closing his eyes as the young man deepened the caress in exactly the way he liked.

'Forgive me,' Charles whispered against his parted lips.

'I will, if you tell me why,' Erik bargained. The professor's actions were so out of character that he had resolved to somehow get to the bottom of it.

'I wanted to hurt you.'

The older man pulled away blinking in surprise. He hadn't really expected Charles to answer him so directly and what an illuminating answer it was!

Absently, the two men focused their attention on the cat that gracefully picked her way across Erik's lap, wanting to join in all the hugs and kisses that were being shared around. She was a welcome distraction, diffusing some of the emotion in the air with her hypnotic purring.

'You wanted to hurt me as much as I am hurting you,' the older man summarized as he agitatedly stroked Ash's back. 'I was afraid that this would happen. What can I do Charles? Tell me and I will do it!'

He stared anxiously at the tiled wall opposite as he waited for the small man behind him to say something. Despite the intense conversation they were having, the way that Charles continued to caress his head in slow, sure strokes was making him quite sleepy. The stress of the day had really gotten to him.

'I need you to talk to me Erik. Make me understand why you are keeping me at a distance. My heart would rest easier if I could just know.'

As the silence stretched on, Charles closed his eyes in defeat, slowly falling forward to rest his head on Erik's shoulder. The man wasn't going to tell him. It was months since Erik had promised that he would voluntarily come to him and talk about his past but now, at this moment, Charles knew that it was all a lie; Erik had no intention of doing so. Did he really need any more evidence that Erik didn't want to stay and be part of his life?'

'From the first moment I met you, I liked you Xavier,' Erik confessed quietly, 'your energy, your focus, your generosity of sprit. I was surprised when I felt you reaching out to me in turn; a complete stranger and convicted criminal! I want you to know Charles that your friendship has been one of the most important of my entire life.'

Erik reached over and consolingly patted the head on his shoulder as the professor silently soaked his shirt with a perfect rain of warm tears.

'But there are true horrors in my past that I cannot escape from and I will NOT expose your mind to such darkness, I will not! Charles, it's not true that I don't want to be your boyfriend, your lover…anything that you would allow, that would keep me close to you. For me, it would be an incomparable blessing seeing your lovely face everyday, but to do so would mean dragging you into my nightmare.'

He could feel Charles arms tighten around him to the point of pain. But he didn't mind, to him the pain felt good. He would endure it all; absorb all of Xavier's pain into his own body if he could. And why shouldn't he, as he was the cause of it!

'I don't appreciate you taking the choice away from me, Erik!' he replied determinedly through his quiet sobs. 'You make me so mad that I could just…knock you out, if I was strong enough.'

The older man smiled wistfully at this spirited answer. Charles was a courageous personality; a compassionate and loyal friend. Erik suspected that he would walk with him to the very end if he allowed him to.

'The only way for you to knock me out, is if you grew a couple more inches,' he joked lightly, not surprised when the other man slapped him in the back of his head for his insolence. It achieved the effect he wanted though, as the professor's annoyance had temporarily driven away his pain.

'Your nightmares,' Charles sniffed, a slow realization suddenly dawning on him, 'you are remembering your past, aren't you?'

'Yes. But the nightmares are going to stop. I will make them stop.'

The professor shivered at the pure venom and hatred in Erik's voice and resumed the slow caress of other man's head as a way to calm them both. He smiled fondly down at Erik as the larger man curled even deeper into his chest and turned his head sleepily against his shoulder as trusting as a small child.

'Erik, how will you make the nightmares stop?'

'There is something I am going to do that will make them go away.'

'Can you tell me what?

'I would rather not.'

'Why? Is it something I would disapprove of?'

'Most likely'

'Something against the law then?'

'Perhaps'

'Can I come and help you?

'Absolutely not!'

'Why? You know I have resources.'

'You would do something illegal for me?'

'For you, yes.'

The professor scowled as he felt Erik's suppressed laughter through their intimate embrace.

'You cannot come with me Charles. That is not a place for you.'

'Why?'

'Because, I said so.'

'Erik! Just how illegal is this!?'

'No.'

'You can tell me.'

'I could?'

'Yes, you can.'

Sigh.

'Whatever is the most horrible thing you can think of, it's even worse than that.'

'Dearest, I wish you wouldn't.'

'I have to.'

'And then what?'

'And then nothing. End game.'

The older man sighed blissfully as the questions ceased. And Charles didn't think he was stubborn. HA!

'Listen to me very carefully, my friend. Killing Shaw will not bring you peace.'

Charles was waiting for it and he braced himself as Erik snapped out of his sleepy trance and jerked away from him as if he had been shot. The older man turned towards him with terrified eyes, mouth hanging open in shock and then, all his walls came up. Charles could see the mental barriers being erected as the other man's face grew impassive, his eyes flat and cold. As Erik opened his mouth to speak, Charles hoped that he wasn't going to insult his intelligence by denying it.

'You ARE a clever little boy,' the older man spat out in a nasty, cruel whisper.

The hard look on Erik's face was enough to make his heart start to beat erratically. Many times he wished that the other man would look at him with such passion but now that he had it, Charles began to realise how frightening it was to be directly in Erik's crosshairs.

'Pardon me? Who the DEVIL do you think you are talking to, Erik?! When you speak to me you will address me with the respect I deserve.'

The larger man rocked back on his knees and grimaced, 'You are a strange one Xavier. So now that you know, what do you want?'

'I don't want anything. As I said, my heart would rest easier if I could just know and now I know. Thank you.'

Erik pulled himself up until he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, looking down warily at the professor within. The man's calm demeanor seemed at odds with the discussion they were just having.

'Now what?' Erik asked.

'And now I am going to the kitchen for a cup of tea.'

The other man automatically reached over to help the professor stand safely.

'Are you alright Erik?'

'I hardly know,' he replied in a quivering voice.

'I can make you some coffee if you want.'

'Fuck Charles! I am going to kill someone! How can you be so frigging calm?!' he scolded angrily.

'Because I know you,' the young man replied, scooping the cat up in his arms, 'you are not a cold blooded murderer, you must have a good reason for wanting Shaw dead.'

The other man nodded dumbly. The man had destroyed his life.

Charles titled his head to the side staring compassionately as Erik pushed his hand through his hair, completely stunned that they had just had this conversation in the bathtub of all places!

'Why don't I make us something hot to drink and we can go out for a sniff of fresh air?'

'Actually, would you mind? I just want to be alone for awhile,' the older man replied as he stepped out of the tub, 'I need to clear my head, perhaps find a corner and have a quiet heart attack or two'

He was a little scared to let Erik go off on his own but he swallowed his protests, trusting that the strength of their friendship would be enough to hold him to grounds of the mansion.

'I'll be here,' he mumbled, as the other man reached the door. He smiled as Erik turned around and waved his cell phone at him as if trying to reassure that he would come if called.

Since Ashley had chosen to go with her master the silence in the apartment was complete. The Englishman hummed a little tune under his breath as he assembled the tea making things thinking that he should be horrified by what Erik had just said but he wasn't. Instead, he felt really happy for some strange reason…excited in a pins and needles way. He and Erik had come to a deep, dark pit and had crossed over it together. He understood now why Erik was trying to protect him by keeping his distance and if their relative positions were reversed he would have done the same. With this new knowledge, Charles hoped that they could get off this dead end path they were on (no pun intended) and journey in a new direction; one that didn't involve them going their separate ways at the end of the parole. Was it wrong to feel so hopeful, even though the man he loved was perhaps plotting to stick a knife in someone's heart?

Anote: I have many deadlines this week so i will have to catch you guys weekend after next. But just a little chapter preview for my loyal readers.

"If his cat hadn't seated her furry little rump on the ground and refused to stalk another step, Erik would have been half way to village without even realizing it. She had sat on the edge of Charles' property line bawling at him in an almost human like way, rightly wondering where he was going in the dead of night without proper clothes, food or money. Erik had trained himself to operate under pressure, sweeping aside disappointments and figuratively turning on a dime if it was warranted. Always he would walk into a new situation with not only one plan in mind but ten! He had obviously become pampered and careless as a direct result of living in Charles' mansion. Reluctantly he walked back to the house chastising himself for panicking. Christ! If he had really broken parole he would have had half the state's police force after him not to mention what that would do to Xavier. It was not the professor's fault that he was saddled with a half wit maniac."