Chapter 44- Let it rain down part 5

With a gentle click, he closed the bedroom door.

He wished it was so easy to close out other things. As he stared at the man on the bed, he would give anything to silence the doubts racing through his mind, to erase the disappointment that flared in his heart. Perhaps Elaine was right. No, scratch that …she WAS right! What other explanation could there be as to why his spanking, new boyfriend had ditched him by the elevator, and abruptly retreated to his own room on the ground floor?

Jealously, Charles stared at the cat that swarmed all over Erik's pajama clad torso, seeking the warmest, most comfortable spot as her master stared out the open window. The professor shivered as a gust of rain drenched air swept into the semi-dark room followed by one or two now homeless leaves; adding to his already bleak and depressed state of mind.

'Charles,' the man relaxing before him remarked, 'don't turn into a woman on me. Just say whatever you want to say or ask whatever it is on your mind to ask. I beg you.'

In response, the young man rattled the paper bag containing the medicine, using it as a shield until he could properly compose himself. Erik needed him. He couldn't add to his worries by falling apart now.

'Thanks,' Erik added softly, peeking into the bag to fish out the pills. Charles sat on the edge of the bed, reading the instruction pamphlet as the other man unscrewed the lid with a quick twist of the wrist.

'Maybe you should skip tonight,' the professor mumbled worriedly looking at the directions, 'you have alcohol in your system.'

He gaped in horror as Erik calmly proceeded to dry swallow a fistful of the prescribed tranquillizers.

'One of anything isn't going to do much for me tonight,' he explained as he tossed the container on top the side table before flopping down on his pillows.

'Erik!' the Englishman cried out anxiously.

'Don't start with me!' the older man snapped, covering his eyes with one arm as if to block out reality, 'so what was it you were going to say when you walked in? I could hear your big brain ticking away from here.'

'That is hardly important because now I have to go put on a pot of coffee.'

Erik looked across at him questioningly.

'Someone has to stay awake and make sure you don't slip into a coma!'

The grim look on the professor's face made the older man crack a faint smile, even as he turned over for a serious discussion, 'little one, I want you to sleep in your own room tonight.'

HA! He knew something was bothering Charles even though he was trying to cover it up.

'It's not what you are thinking,' he added hastily, 'I just don't want you ringside when I have the mother of all nightmares tonight.'

The professor looked down as Erik laced his fingers through his. How could the older man be worrying about him at a time like this? He really was the most wonderful, most thoughtful boyfriend!

'I want to stay. I could wake you up as soon as I see your nightmare coming.'

He scowled as Erik rolled on to his back with a bellow of raucous laughter, 'Oh please! Charles you would sleep through an invasion. You have to be the heaviest sleeper I have ever met.'

As Erik continued to laugh hysterically like a convulsing hyena, the smaller man closed his eyes to at least lessen the irritation that he now felt.

'Thanks, I really needed that' the older man added as he finally settled down, 'you are better than any drugs a doctor could prescribe.'

It was a strange sort of compliment but it was enough to give Charles a flutter of pleasure that he was of such importance to the other man.

'How are you tonight, little one?' Erik then asked solemnly. He tucked the small man underneath him as he propped up his head on one arm. 'I am worried about you. I am concerned about how all of this is affecting you.'

'Me?' the professor stammered, 'I am not the one with PSTD with its jolly list of attendant neuroses.'

Erik shrugged, 'I've learnt to live with it. For me, this is normal. I suppose you have a thousand and one questions for me now.'

'Nothing that can't wait,' was the calm reply.

Erik looked relieved if not a bit unsure at this turn of events. 'That isn't reverse psychology you are using on me, is it? If I just curl up and try and get to some rest now, are you going to make me suffer in the morning?'

Now Charles had to smile, 'you look adorable when you are so anxious.'

Naturally, the older man winced at such a sickening description, 'Good god, Xavier! Teddy bears are adorable! Don't EVER call me that if people are around! Are you sure you are alright? Is there anything you want to tell me?'

Their eyes automatically connected and Erik felt his heart turn to ice as the professor quickly averted his gaze.

'I keep waiting for you to run screaming from me,' the older man remarked quietly, as he ran his fingers soothingly through the professor's soft hair, 'I keep waiting for you to realize, that this is just too much to handle.'

'I'm afraid Erik,' Charles whispered as he stared at some random spot on the wall opposite. 'I am afraid for us. I know you are leaning on me right now… but what if my strength doesn't hold? What if IT IS too much to handle?'

As the older man lay paralyzed in shock at this confession, the professor felt he was being hugged by a piece of stone. Of late, Erik had been frequently wondering if Charles would have wanted to be his lover, if he was aware of all the sordid details of his earlier life.

'You can change your mind about being with me if you want,' Erik replied in a hollow voice, 'I would understand.'

A moment that seemed to coalesce into a lifetime passed as Charles considered. Because of Counselor Elaine's analysis that night, it was a thought that had crossed the professor's mind but he didn't think he would have to face it so soon.

Part of him was confused by how they had gotten on this topic. How did being concerned about their future translate into wanting to break up? But he escaped by neatly volleying the question back into Erik's court. 'Is that what you want? Do you want to be out of the relationship?'

'No, I don't!' Erik retorted angrily

'Well neither do I!'

'Then why the fuck did you bring this up?!' was the older man's infuriated response.

Charles didn't think it would go down well if he pointed out that it was Erik who had brought this topic up first. 'Would it matter to you, if you were in or out of this relationship?'

Their eyes connected again angrily and this time, neither looked away.

'Of course it would matter to me! I was ready to KILL someone when you went out with McCoy last night!'

The professor sighed in resignation as he pulled off his socks and shoes.

'Erik, that's jealously,' he explained serenely, 'you don't want me with anyone is not the same as you wanting to be with me.'

As the older man sat up and took over the task of getting Charles out of his clothes, he silently contemplated the professor's question. He smirked absently as the professor jumped a bit in surprise when he pulled off the other man's boxers and pants in one easy motion. Charles was a grown man, how could he be this shy?

Quickly Erik wrapped the man in a corner of blanket so that he would be more at ease while the cat howled piteously to having been pushed out of her warm spot.

'I've been on my own for a very long time Charles, so no, it doesn't matter to me if I am 'in or out' as you put it,' he started hesitantly, hoping that his attempt to be truthful wouldn't blow up his face. 'But just know that I like being with you. ALOT! If it's possible for someone as messed up as me to feel 'happy', I believe I feel it most when I am with you. My mind…it works….differently when you are close.'

He was startled when Charles flipped him over on his back, to settle him into a warm but tender kiss.

'This is nice,' the older man hummed appreciatively, with a curious look in his direction. He didn't think what he had been trying to say was particularly romantic, but Charles obviously saw things differently.

The professor sat up on his chest, titling his head to one side to look down at him in pleasure. 'I just wish you always knew yourself as well as you did in that moment.'

Erik arched a curious eyebrow even as he reached up to unbutton the professor's shirt. The small man remained silent as he worked his way down and as his knuckles lightly brushed against the man's warm skin, the professor's eyes fluttered close.

Charles silently acknowledged to himself then, that there was a real possibility that he would die of sheer pleasure when they eventually made love.

The older man then surprised him by slowly opening each end of his shirt, as if he was unwrapping a wonderful gift. Erik took his time to look his full, the lovely effect of which was spoilt, when the man suddenly let out a such a wide yawn that he had to cover his face lest he swallow the professor by accident. He blinked sleepily up at him and Charles knew that the drugs were starting to make their presence felt.

'Wait a minute…why do I always have to be the one naked?'

'Because that's the way I like you,' Erik mumbled flippantly. By now, successive yawns were crippling the older man, but he still managed to twist to one side so that the professor could help him get his pajamas off. With a great, unguarded sign of contentment he wrapped the smaller man in his arms. Even as the scholar propped himself on one arm, indicated that he wanted to chat a bit more, he took the opportunity to caress the smooth bare skin of the other man's back under his fingers. He wished now that he wasn't so sleepy but he consoled himself that there would be other nights in which to fully appreciate the warm bundle in his arms.

'Erik, I am so sorry that you had to have had such a terrible experience.'

The older man had such a far away look on his face, that the professor instantly regretted his words.

'Thank you for saying that,' he whispered in between soft kisses and yawns, 'and I appreciate your company tonight. I still don't want you to stay but I think that you have more than earned the right to decide for yourself. I'll never be able to thank you enough for the courage and compassion you have shown. '

The small man pressed his fingers against the man's lips, attempting to silence him so that he would edge closer towards sleep, but Erik caught the fingers in his hand determined to have his say.

'And I am not worried at all because I know you. You don't give yourself enough credit. You are far stronger than you realize. You and I are going to be alright.'

Charles smiled in exasperation, 'Your little speech of encouragement would have a greater impact if you were not fondling my ass.'

'You know you like it,' Erik whispered back confidently, even as he lost his mental footing and slipped off a cliff into darkness.