The Walking Dead isn't mine.
Carol felt a knot in her stomach at the sight of the men returning through the fence. She was relieved that Daryl was safe, but mortified that she'd have to face him again. She was so sure when she'd kissed him that it was truly goodbye. And for a moment she was content. She hadn't let him go without knowing what it would feel like to kiss someone because she really wanted to. She'd forgotten, but felt it was important to have that memory. A memory of a touch that wasn't feared. And she believed that Daryl needed that memory too.
And then he'd shoved himself away from her and ran out of there like he couldn't get away fast enough. She was ashamed of herself for pushing him into something he clearly didn't want. She blamed herself for letting Maggie fill her head with romantic notions. She was old enough to know better.
She felt herself move reluctantly toward the field where the others had gathered. When she saw Beth, she took Judith from her, just to have something to do with her hands.
"Looks like we feast tonight." She heard Axel say, suddenly there beside her.
Carol just nodded, unable to speak just then. It seemed unfair to Axel to be so angry with him simply because he was there. Axel peered down at the baby and touched her hand, letting the tiny fingers curl around his own.
"You look like her Momma." He said.
Carol continued to ignore him and the fresh stab of pain his words had delivered. She wasn't anyone's mother. Not anymore. She risked looking directly at the men who were busy stringing the deer up. Daryl's back was to her, but Merle was looking her in the eye. She couldn't place his expression and was the first to look away.
The fire was lit and the meat was cooking in no time. Somehow Carol wasn't surprised to see Merle taking over the cooking duties with Daryl. Seeing them together after all this time reminded her of how they'd been back at the camp. Even when Merle had been half out of his mind on drugs, there were certain tasks that he and Daryl could perform with ease, never exchanging a word. They were very much a unit.
She sat with the baby and Axel at her side, trying to catch pieces of conversation. Glenn was pretty animated, talking with Maggie. Carol looked away. It always felt like she was intruding when she looked at those two. She felt a twinge of jealousy at how they had managed to find each other. She envied the joy they shared in spite of everything else. The joy they made for each other.
"Eat." A voice commanded, handing her a plate. Daryl barely glanced at her. His eyes darted to Axel for a second, before he headed back to the other side of the fire to sit next to his brother. The Dixons were eating their meal a little outside of the circle that the group had naturally formed.
Axel shifted next to her and Carol sensed he was about to speak. "I'm sometimes a bit dense." He said at last. He didn't explain further, but when he got up to get a plate, he didn't return to sit beside her.
It wasn't long before Maggie took his place. "Let me hold her so you can eat properly." The young woman said, taking Judith. Carol dutifully picked at her meal. The thought crossed her mind that without Daryl, meat like this would become a very rare treat. Perhaps he knew this and wanted to feed them one last time.
"Are they still leaving? Did he say anything to you?" Maggie whispered.
"No. I imagine they'll leave in the morning." Carol said.
"Have you even spoken to him?" Maggie pushed.
Carol was alarmed to feel her eyes suddenly fill with tears. She'd been so agitated all day, worrying about what she'd done and where he was and when he'd leave for good. It was too much.
"Carol, I'm sorry!" Maggie said quickly. She reached out for her, but Carol was too quick. She was on her feet and walking back to the prison before she'd really decided what she wanted to do. She was drawing attention to herself, she knew. It was alright. She'd endured worse than embarrassment before and there would be something horrific to distract them all soon enough, she was certain.
The worst thing was that there was really no where for her to go. They all lived in such close proximity to each other. There was no privacy. No secrets. It was necessary for their safety, but undesirable at times like these, when she just wanted to be alone.
Predictably, she ended up in her cell, sitting on her bunk. It was after sunset, so she was in the dark, thankful for the mask it provided. She knew from the sound he made as he walked that it was Hershel who had come to find her.
"You're missing the cookout." He observed gently, sitting down next to her.
"I'll live." She sighed. The simple reassurance had such weight to it these days. "I don't have much of an appetite." She confessed.
They sat quietly for a few minutes before Hershel spoke again. He surprised her by taking her hand. "I'm sorry if we put any pressure on you, Carol. I think we're all upset at the thought of losing Daryl and we might have put the job of convincing him to stay on your shoulders."
"He's not going to stay. He told me." She said, picking at the tread bare blanket on her cot.
"I imagine he's very torn right now."
"I don't know about that." Carol said. "He doesn't seem to have any doubt about leaving with Merle."
"Just because he's firm on his decision doesn't mean it's an easy one." Hershel said. "I know the two of you are close and I'm sorry. I'm very sorry. But I hope you know that you won't be alone here after he's gone. We all care for you. And we need you, very much."
Carol couldn't hold back the tears that slipped down her cheeks. She did fear the loneliness that seemed inevitable. She'd been very lonely since Lori's death, opting to take a new cell to avoid the other one feeling empty. And this last day without Daryl was just a taste of what was to come.
She didn't always know her purpose, but she'd become stronger. Useful. And Daryl was a big part of that. They were the odd ones out, so they'd stuck together. They had scars in common and could recognize pain without having to talk about it. Between the two of them, they were whole. Or so she thought. Carol would never get Sophia back, but Merle had returned to Daryl and she supposed he didn't need her any more.
"I need to just let him go." Carol admitted.
Hershel nodded and squeezed her hand. "I imagine he's telling himself something very similar. I might point out that they've already been here a day longer than expected."
"Don't, Hershel, please." Carol begged. "There's nothing left in me for hope. I don't have the energy. I don't believe in it anymore."