Once again, The Walking Dead doesn't belong to me.
I might have had this chapter up a bit earlier, but my head had become so inflated that I actually floated away. Luckily the local authorities acted quickly and I was rescued.
Here is Chapter 13 on the first day of 2013. I wish you all good things in the New Year.
Daryl lay awake on the top bunk in a cell with Merle. Merle had insisted and Daryl hadn't fought him. Wouldn't fight him on anything now. No point. Merle wasn't sleeping either, he could tell. Probably thought he was going to take off on him. The paranoia would make sense if Merle was still high. His brother didn't understand that they were right in the middle of the only place he wanted to be.
Daryl turned over again and could almost hear Merle rolling his eyes.
"Why don't you just go fuck her one last time if that's what's got you all twitchy." Merle said from beneath him.
"Shut up." Daryl said, without any real energy behind it. "It ain't like that."
"No kidding." Merle snorted. "If the end of the world can't inspire you to get it up, then I guess you ain't ever gonna get your dick wet."
Daryl ignored him. This was nothing new from Merle and maybe it was just that his brother was tired, but the words lacked their usual bite.
"Well, I guess if it don't bother you then it shouldn't bother me." Merle went on. "It's kind of a relief to see you even want a woman. Even if you're too backwards to take what's put right in front of you. I used to worry that you were a fuckin' faggot. A Dixon! But I'd put up with that, since you're my brother. At least you'd been quiet about it."
"Fuck off, Merle." Daryl said, hoping Merle was done for the night.
"Christ even fags are better off that just being, nothing." Merle went on.
"That's big of you." Daryl said. He imagined that if Merle had really believed he was a fag, he would have beaten it out of him. Or tried his best.
"It's the nothing that worried me more." Merle said.
"You never worried about me. Hell you weren't there half the time. Completely fried the other half." Daryl insisted.
"I wondered if Daddy did something. Something worse to you." Merle said. This was a confession, if Daryl had ever heard one. He'd seen Merle out of his mind with regret before. High as a kite and promising anyone who'd listen that he'd change. But this, this was something that Merle had never said out loud. Daryl could tell from the the way his voice changed. The way the words were forced through his teeth. The silence stretched and Daryl realized Merle expected an answer.
"No. Nothing like that. He just liked cutting on me, that's all." Daryl said. That was meant to be reassuring. "This been on your mind all this time? I'm forty years old, Merle. You coulda asked."
"That the truth?" Merle asked.
"That's the truth."
They lay silently for awhile, sleep still not coming.
"So did you really fuck Justine at Duane's that time?" Merle asked.
Daryl flipped to his other side in annoyance. "Stupid bitch." He grunted.
"That a yes?" Merle pressed.
"If I say yes, will you go the fuck to sleep?"
"I'd sleep easier if I knew you'd fucked at least once in your sorry ass life." Merle admitted. "Not sure what you got against it."
"Nothing. Just don't have a taste for those skanks like you and Daddy." Daryl said.
"Justine was a fucking skank." Merle said.
"Don't I know it." Daryl said.
"And you fucked her. So maybe you're not any better than me after all."
"I don't think I'm better than you." Daryl said, surprised that this was on Merle's mind.
"Don't you? Don't get high. Don't fuck. Don't do nothing like your big brother. Ain't even ever been in the clink. You're a good boy."
"I ain't good. Good for nothing, like you said." Daryl said. "Who the fuck taught me to track and to shoot and to fight? I know the woods from when we hid in them. You're all I know. I never thought I was better than you. I wanted to be as good as you."
"Ain't that a laugh." Merle said, though he sounded pleased. "So, Justine then?"
"Yeah." Daryl confessed reluctantly. "More like she fucked me." He added. He left out the part where Merle had been out of his mind that night. Had forced something down Daryl's throat. Daryl had spent half the night confused and shaky. Had no idea what he was on and was just trying to ride it out, waiting for Merle so they could go home.
He had only vague memories of Justine grabbing him, straddling him, taking over when he failed to achieve any sort of rhythm. Finally she'd had enough and shoved him off of her. 'Useless', she'd called him. He'd softened immediately and she'd laughed at him. Did that even count? He hadn't even come.
Daryl squeezed his eyes shut against the old embarrassment. It had been years ago and these people were most likely dead now. Soon it would be just him and Merle again. That had always been the safest place to be.
The thing with Justine had only rarely crossed his mind, except lately when he was with Carol. She teased him sometimes and he was never sure if she was serious or not. And though he knew Carol was worlds away from Justine in every way he could think to compare the two, it still felt like too much was at risk. He hoped Carol would never laugh at him, but he couldn't be sure. Even Merle and his Daddy had recognized that something wasn't quite right with him. He'd fuck it up and embarrass himself again. Best to stay away. Christ, he couldn't believe he'd kissed her. His heart started pounding at the memory. He wanted to do it again.
"Seemed okay today. With you and Rick. And Glenn." Daryl said after it had been quiet for awhile.
"Oh yeah, we're all best friends now." Merle yawned. "You know how they are. They're on your side when they need you."
"Seems like we could give it a couple of days." Daryl tried. "Before we take off. Maybe it'll work out." Daryl hadn't ever asked Merle for anything and braced himself for whatever his brother would throw at him.
"It ain't even them." Merle said after a moment. "I could maybe put up with them if I had to."
"Then what?" Daryl asked.
"That woman. Michonne." Merle said. "She would like to kill me. I got to sleep sometime. Why do you think I agreed to be locked up here so easily?"
"She got a reason?" Daryl asked, disappointment filling him.
"Sure." Merle shrugged. "Governor sent me and some boys to take care of her. We did a piss poor job of it. She's scary." Merle admitted. "I got her once, in the leg."
"You shot her."
"And then I lied to the Governor about her being dead. You see where that got me." Merle said. "I can't stay where she's at. The rest of them do gooders, I can handle. But I ain't ever going to be able to turn my back on that woman."
"I can talk to Rick." Daryl offered.
"And say what, exactly? She's not under anyone's thumb. You were too busy mooning over Mouse and her boyfriend to notice, but that crazy bitch didn't take her eyes off me the whole night. She's itching for her chance to finish me."
"Not like you to run away from some woman." Daryl pushed.
"Fuck you, bro. You ain't ever been hunted by her. She had walkers for pets. That crazy shit is creepy as hell. Can't predict what someone like her will do. I just want to be clear of her."
Daryl fell silent again. There didn't seem to be anything else to say. He stared at the ceiling, wondering how many hours were left before sunrise. It was all slipping away.
"Daryl, you still with me?" Merle's voice came from below, gruff but something else as well.
"Always." Daryl said.