The Walking Dead isn't mine.
Rick entered the common area, not entirely surprised to see Hershel already there, drinking coffee. It was not yet light out, though it would be in another half hour. Rick helped himself to a coffee and joined Hershel at the table.
"So today is the day." Hershel began.
Rick grimaced and took a big mouthful of coffee to avoid talking for a moment.
"Wish I could say it wasn't." He said finally. "Any sign of them?"
"I saw Daryl taking some gear out to the yard earlier." Hershel said. "I guess none of us got much sleep."
"I don't believe it." Rick admitted. "We've never lost someone like this. He doesn't want to go. I can feel it."
"Doesn't look like he's going to change his mind." Hershel said. "We should pick a rendezvous point. Somewhere we could go should we ever need to find each other."
"You don't think we're going to be able to stay here." Rick looked at Hershel and saw the truth. "Well, I've learned from experience that once you separate there's no going back. I was with a man named Morgan. I used a radio, left notes. I'll never see him again. Either of us gets on the wrong side of a herd and we're lost for sure."
"Merle and Daryl managed to find each other. And Daryl wasn't even looking." Hershel pointed out.
"I wish I had your optimism." Rick shook his head. "You pick a place, if that helps." Rick stared past Hershel, wondering if there was something else he could say to convince Daryl to stay. "What did Carol say?"
"I think we should leave Carol out of it." Hershel admitted. "She's having a hard time and I don't want her to to blame herself when he goes."
Rick nodded in agreement but was disappointed. He'd felt so confident that they'd be able to talk Daryl out of leaving. Had he completely misread the man? He had counted on Daryl's loyalty, but clearly Merle had the greater claim.
"Guess I'll go talk to him." Rick got up from the table, grabbed a second cup of coffee and headed out to the yard.
He found Daryl stuffing things into the bike's side pockets. "We'll gather up some supplies for you." Rick said, handing Daryl the coffee.
"No room." Daryl said. "Gonna try and grab a truck up on the highway. Not gonna go far on the bike."
"Why don't you go ahead and take one of these trucks."
"You'll need it." Daryl's eyes lingered on the watch tower. Carol had watch, Rick knew. He didn't comment.
"You know what direction you're taking?"
Daryl shrugged. "Away from Woodbury." Simple enough.
Out of the corner of his eye, Rick could see Axel making his way over with his tools. He suppressed the panic that struck him and turned his attention back to Daryl, who seemed to be turning to go back inside.
"Wait." Rick said, reaching out and holding Daryl by the shoulder. The man felt tense, but didn't move away from his grasp. "I always felt bad, felt real bad, about what happened with Merle. I never meant to abandon him there. Never meant to leave him in a situation where he had to cut off his own hand. But I cuffed him. It was my decision and my fault. And the fact that you stayed with us and by my side all this time, in spite of that, well, I'm grateful. I don't think I fully appreciated what it meant for you, to lose your brother. Until now."
Rick dropped his hand from Daryl's shoulder and the two men stood there silently for a moment. Daryl shifted on his feet, his eyes darting back and forth between Rick and D block.
"Hell, I know what Merle's like." Daryl spoke finally. "I expect you did what you had to. And I know how fast everything can go to shit these days. I ain't got no hard feelings about that. You've done alright by me."
"Got my tools." Axel said, coming up beside them. "You could use a tune up before you head out."
Daryl glared at the man. "Keep your hands to yourself." He spat.
Axel lifted his hands in surrender. "Hey man, just trying to be helpful."
"Might not be a bad idea." Rick said.
"If this is about your lady, I get it." Axel said. "Not like she hasn't shot me down a dozen times anyway. Seems like she could of just said she was spoken for. She had no problem clearing up the whole lesbian thing."
The two men stared at Axel.
"What?" Daryl asked, finally.
"Message received." Axel said.
"You been bothering Carol?" Rick asked, amused.
"Little bit, maybe." Axel confessed. "You know how long it's been since I've had a woman?" Axel shook his head.
"Best get used to it, asshole. I don't see your dry spell ending any time soon." Daryl said. "This ain't the fucking Dating Game."
"It's alright." Rick said, putting a hand on Daryl. "Carol can handle herself."
"Yeah, sure she can." Daryl huffed. "You never got a full taste of Ed Peletier. That's the type of man she chose."
"And you." Rick pointed out, daring Daryl to address his real concern. "She chose you, too."
Daryl stared at the ground. "Like I said."
"Daryl," Rick began, alarmed at the turn the conversation had taken. Was he really comparing himself to Carol's husband?
"Gotta go get Merle." Daryl said, walking off.
"So no tune up?" Axel asked.
Rick rubbed his hand across his face. "Best just to leave it." He said finally. Maybe his luck would change and the bike would break down before they could leave the prison.
The sun was higher in the sky now and the others were starting to make their way to the yard. Rick wished that for just a minute out of the day he could know what the hell he was doing. These people were looking to him, always. They trusted him, even when he kept failing. Did he even understand what he was doing when he had cuffed Merle? To take away any human being's reasonable chance of surviving in this new world? It was unpardonable. Merle had been violent. A pain in the ass. He hadn't liked him. Felt safer with him cuffed. He'd known as soon as he'd seen the tears in Daryl Dixon's eyes that it had been the wrong choice.
And Sophia. He'd had her in his arms, safe. She'd begged him not to leave her there. Rick had made the wrong choice again. Maybe they would have both been killed if he'd tried to take her with him. He'd never know. But at least he wouldn't have to spend each day trying to live with himself. Every time he saw Carol with Judith, he had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from begging her forgiveness.
Lori. What he wouldn't give for just ten minutes with her. Just enough time to tell her that he loved her. He'd always loved her. And he was ashamed that his anger and pride let him forget that.
Maybe these were things he should be saying to Daryl. How could he make Daryl see that no matter what he feels he owes his brother, it's himself he has to live with. Rick tossed the remains of his coffee into the dust. Time had run out and he'd failed again.