"Is she waking?"
"I can't tell."
"Shh!"
"Oh, come on—"
"Shh!"
I groaned. Something was wrong. I couldn't feel my leg. Then I felt my limb twitch. It was there.
"Everybody out! She needs peace." Dawnflower's voice, commanding as usual. I felt a nose nudge my flank before three or four sets of paws left the den. I smelled herbs, so most likely I was in the medicine cat's den. I could feel Dawnflower's gentle touch, smell the herbs, and hear Larkpaw scurrying about organizing things. The moss beneath me was soft, but my leg still ached. I opened my eyes. It was light, but not light enough to hurt my eyes, just enough to be able to tell that it was sun-high. Dawnflower's amber eyes peered into my blue ones.
"Rainpath! I thought you'd never wake up!"
Larkpaw ran over happily. "Oh, I had a dream…a terrible dream…that you'd never wake up…" she lamented.
"Hush, Larkpaw. You'll only make it worse. Go and fetch marigold, I need to put it on her wound." The apprentice nodded and bounded off.
"She's overexcited. Her first real medicine cat job, she says," said Dawnflower apologetically. I don't mind, but I don't say anything. It hurts too much.
"My leg…" I groaned.
Dawnflower nodded. "Yes. It will heal, do not worry. Here." She chewed something well and pressed the pulp to the wound. It stung, but I could feel the tension in my leg lessen, and some of the feeling return.
"How does it feel?" Dawnflower asked.
"Fine. Better, actually. How was the battle?"
"We won. But it cost two lives, one for us and one for ShadowClan. Littlefern walks with StarClan." I recognized the name of the small ShadowClan warrior.
"Who for us?" I asked anxiously. Dawnflower hung her head.
"Blackclaw."
"No!" I wailed. "How could this happen? We were going to have kits…we were going to retire together…why…"
Dawnflower shook her head. "I understand completely, Rainpath. But he was weak, and no one knows quite how he died. But we will always honor his courage. He walks with StarClan now."
I wailed, long and low, a proper goodbye that I never got to say.
"No." It came as a whisper, but I had meant to scream it.
"No."
The next day, my leg was better, but my heart was worse. Smokefur and Seastorm came to visit every day, but mostly I just wanted to be alone, mourning Blackclaw. Finally, after three days, Seastorm snapped at me.
"Rainpath, I know you miss him, but you need to stop moping. It won't help, and it won't bring him back. You need to move on. I hate to say this, but face it, Blackclaw's gone. You saw his body. He isn't coming back."
"And that means we're supposed to forget about him, are we?" I asked suddenly, overtaken by anger. "We're supposed to forget he ever existed. That might be the way you want to live, but you didn't know him like I did. I'm not going to forget. Oh, what's the use," I added bitterly. "You wouldn't understand."
Seastorm was not one for arguments, but maybe grief was getting to her too, because she snapped back, "What? I'm not one to forget, but he's been dead for more than six days, for StarClan's sake! Remember, you were unconscious for two. Think about Aspenleaf! She's his mother, and she stopped mourning yesterday. And Grayclaw! He's his brother, and he isn't going around like this, moaning every second of the day. The past is the past for a reason, Rainpath. It's not the present."
And with that, she turned away. I turned my back on her waving tail. I didn't need her. I wouldn't forget Blackclaw, no matter what she said. I tried standing, but my leg ached when I put weight on it, so I lay down again. Spottedpelt was in the medicine cat's den too, for scratches on her side, but she was asleep. As soon as Larkpaw came back from training, I sent her off for fresh-kill. Eating would take my mind off things, and also, I was hungry.
A week later Seastorm still wasn't talking to me. There would be a Gathering that evening, and for the first time in moons, I would get to go. Dawnflower let me out of camp from time to time to hunt, but only agreed because the full moon was truce, and there was pretty much a guarantee that I wouldn't get very hurt. I limped out of Dawnflower's den that evening, when the sun was just setting.
"Hi. How's it going?" Seastorm asked. I knew she was trying to get the subject away from Blackclaw, but I tried to make my smile bright.
"Great, I'm allowed to go to the Gathering, and Dawnflower says I'll be healed in just a few days. See?" I held up my leg. It was in place, and the cut had been reduced to a scratch. The leg was sore, but I could walk on it, far enough to go to the Gathering. Smokefur padded up and smiled.
"Perfect." She seemed eager to ignore my condition. I caught her staring at Owlpaw.
"Oh, come on, 'fess up. You like him, don't you?" Smokefur looked pained, but she nodded.
"What?" exclaimed Seastorm. I was sure that she, like me, couldn't imagine Smokefur in love. She was almost a tom in her actions, and Seastorm had known her all her life. I looked at Owlpaw, who was tracing a picture of a longhaired cat that looked remarkably like Smokefur in the dirt with his claw. He spotted me staring and quickly rubbed out the image. I told Smokefur instantly. Her eyes shone.
"Oh, I can't wait to tell him I love him back. Oh, you two don't know what love feels like!" she exclaimed. Seastorm shook her head, but I said nothing.
I know what love feels like, Smokefur, I thought. You just don't know how it feels for that love to disappear.