Well hello there. I would like to thank you all for the terrific response I had to the last chapter. It's a tough thing to do in this format to write an original character that will resonate with the readership, but I knew I wanted to give Anna the depth she needed for us to understand why Katie had fallen in love with her. So I'm glad you guys fell in love with her too, I know I have.
So here's the next chapter. Me and Froggie had a great old time discussing the interpretations for this one so I hope you enjoy the results.
I don't own Skins, but quite frankly I don't care. I'm doing this for love, not money.
And speaking of love, I'm sending out more to the very wonderful SJ. As Effy would say 'Bon courage, mon ange."
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17. A Love Like Blood
Effy
I was in the living room watching television. Some crappy thing on BBC3. I'm not normally one for television, but today I couldn't really muster the energy for anything else. The past few days had been dark ones, but I was trying not to go down my usual road to oblivion. I had been thinking about the things that Katie had said about depression, and I was coming to the conclusion that she was probably right. I had bundled along like this for so long, I couldn't see what was staring me in the face. That's the kind of stuff that only happens to other people, right? God I missed her. She had been gone for several days, and it made it all the more clear what a beautiful light her friendship had brought into my life. My boys were wonderful, and they cared for me without a doubt, but somewhere along the line we had all come to accept the status quo. That was the great thing about Katie. She was never prepared to settle. She was the one who was always trying to find a solution for our situation, to find ways to make our friendship work. And now she was the one trying to help me find a way out of this self-replicating cycle I had gotten myself into.
Thomas was locked away in his music room working on a new track. Cook and Freddie were downstairs in Cook's den playing some zombie shoot-em-up on the Playstation. And I was alone watching fake tanned idiots chuntering on in some artificial 'reality', whilst I attempted to soothe my troubled brain. I heard the doorbell go, but in my lethargic state I left it to one of the lads to get it. The extent of my attempts to sate my curiosity as to the nature of the caller was to mute the TV with the remote and try to eavesdrop.
"Yeah, she's upstairs," I heard Freddie's voice say. "I think she's sulking."
I'm not sulking, I'm depressed, I thought angrily, suddenly annoyed at Freddie's way of glossing over rather than addressing the issue, as if his papering over of the cracks was enough. It wasn't enough. You're being too harsh on him, I chided myself immediately afterwards. He loves you, and it's not like he wants you to be unhappy. But it's not up to him, is it Effy? You have to sort this out for yourself. I started up a new row of lines on my internal blackboard. La réponse n'est chez personne d'autre, le combat doit venir de toi.
I was so caught up in my own internal debate that I failed to notice when the visitor entered the room.
"Hey you," came the familiar voice that was the first reminder of her presence. "Did you miss me?"
The impact was instantaneous. Powerful. Physical. A fizzing sensation flashed across my skin and I was forced to stretch out the muscles in my limbs just to cope with it. There was a furious but not unpleasant whirling in my stomach, and if she had been able to see my eyes she would have seen the light in them leap into flames. The smile that ripped its way across my face was an unstoppable force. My firing system had been armed and Katie had just pressed go. The darkness had been shattered by an explosive maelstrom of colour. An exuberant feeling of well-being and joy took hold of my lethargic heart and shook it uncompromisingly into life. We have ignition.
Really? Was it that fucking easy to be happy? Just the sound of her fucking voice? Just the knowledge of her existence and the faith that she was here for me? I abandoned the motivational lines on my blackboard and ran straight into her arms.
"I'll take that as a yes then," she giggled as I threw myself around her.
"Fuck yeah," I replied, and buried my face in her shoulder.
We clung to each other wordlessly for what seemed like an age, but words were hardly necessary when we were communicating so much through the embrace. Je me forcerai à être courageuse un autre jour. Today I just wanted to hold my Katie.
"How have you been?" she asked me.
"Not great," I admitted, and it was a relief to have someone who would just let me admit it.
"Well, I'm here now," she soothed. "Just let me know if I can help."
"Just be you," I told her. "You're the fucking best medicine of all."
"You know I'm not the answer, don't you babes," she said softly.
"Yeah, but you're the map," I replied. "You help me find my way."
"Cup of tea?" she suggested.
You have to love the English and their unswerving faith in the humble cup of tea.
"Sure," I said, making a move for the kitchen, but Katie pulled me back.
"I'll make it," she said smiling. "Everyone deserves a little pampering now and again."
Once she was gone I flopped back down onto the sofa in disbelief. My mood had gone from morbid goth conference to fluffy kitten bonanza in the blink of an eye. The figures were still dancing around on my TV screen, something about weddings or some such, but I didn't care. My whole world was sparkling with the arrival of my tiny vibrant saviour. Katie arrived back in the room with the requisite cups of heated beverage just as the programme rolled into credits.
"Oh no, have I missed 'Don't Tell The Bride'?" she said. "I fucking love that."
"I wasn't really watching," I shrugged.
"It's great," she laughed. "The blokes have to organise the whole wedding. It's hilarious. My Mum would have a fit if anyone tried to do that to me. I swear she's been planning my wedding since I was five. I can see her making little amendments in her diary every time I'm with a new person."
I shuddered at the thought.
"All the more reason to stay living in sin," I replied.
"And you know all about sin, don't you Babes," she winked at me.
"Ha, no flirting rule breach," I said triumphantly.
"Ah, busted…" laughed Katie. "You'll have to give me a forfeit."
"You have to come and sit next to me on the sofa and give me platonic cuddles all night," I grinned.
"Stern punishment," she smirked.
She kicked off her heels and sat next to me, curling her legs up underneath her and leaning into my side. I picked up the remote and was just about to start flicking through the channels for something to entertain us, when the announcer introduced the next programme. It was a film, some kind of cheesy romantic shit with Katherine Heigl in it. Normally my reaction would have been to run a hundred miles in the opposite direction, before the urge to slap the silly bitch became too overwhelming, but tonight was a different matter.
"Brilliant," I said, dropping the remote beside me.
"Really?" frowned Katie. "Didn't think this would be your kind of thing."
"What makes you say that?" I asked.
"Well, you're all cool and shit," replied Katie.
"Astutely observed, Ms. Ford," I told her. "I am indeed all cool and shit, but can you imagine any of the boys coming into disturb us whilst this is on? I want some Katie time."
"Not just cool and shit," laughed Katie. "But an actual evil genius."
My point was proven not ten minutes later when Freddie came in and immediately wrinkled his nose up at the spectacle before him.
"The fuck is this?" he frowned.
"Girlie stuff," I shrugged. "Katie wanted to watch it."
"Yeah well, I think I'll leave you to it ladies," he said with a disapproving headshake, and I knew he wouldn't be back in the room for another two hours. He was barely out of the door before Katie started sniggering.
"Evil. Fucking. Genius," she said, poking me in the ribs on every word.
"Are you looking for a fight?" I smiled, squirming away from her.
"Like you'd stand a chance," she scoffed.
I had no comeback for her. It's always been that way. Where Katie was concerned, I didn't stand a fucking chance.
"So where have you been," I asked, changing tack before things got too flirtatious.
"London," she replied. "I went to see my sister."
"How is she?"
"Good, good," smiled Katie fondly. "She's happy. Stupidly in love."
"With the blonde?" I asked.
"Yeah.." said Katie, looking slightly unnerved by my knowledge. "How did you…?"
"I saw them in Paris, remember?" I smiled, remembering the intensity that had burned between them. Et ça, mesdames et messieurs, c'était l'amour.
"I could see it even then," I continued. "The way they kissed as if nothing else existed for them. I could tell it was a beginning, and not just a passing fancy. That it was going to be something special for them."
"Yeah, and I thought Naomi was just going to be another bitch-assed model who was going to break my sister's heart," laughed Katie.
"So not at all bitter about Anna then," I teased.
"Yeah well, she may have been colouring my judgement on the matter," she sighed. "But you're right about the way they kiss. God, I wish somebody would kiss me like that."
She looked away as her cheeks began to flush. I knew exactly what she was thinking. Somebody had kissed her like that. I had kissed her like that back at the Old Library.
"Katie, I…" I began, but the words dried in my throat. I had meant to tell her I was sorry for leading her on like that, but I couldn't say it. Car en réalité je n'étais pas désolée du tout. Katie turned back to face me, and the connection that always simmered between us suddenly turned up to scorching. Here it comes again, the thumping heart, the sudden rise in body temperature, the inability to form coherent sentences, the narrowing down of my entire world into a pair of deep brown eyes. The urge to kiss her was just as powerful as it had been under the canal bridge, except this time I was stone cold sober. I didn't have time to assess that feeling, as the door opened and Cook came lumbering into the room.
"We're gonna get an Indian," he said, rifling through the drawer where we kept the take away menus. "You ladies wanna join?"
I shrugged absently. Food was the last fucking thing on my mind right now.
"Hmmm," said Katie casually. "Not really hungry right now."
Cook stopped what he was doing, and stared at the two of us still cuddled up on the sofa.
"So when are you going to tell him?" he said.
I could feel Katie tensing in alarm.
"Who him? Tell? What?" she stuttered.
"There's nothing to tell," I said calmly.
"Like hell there's not," countered Cook.
"We're just watching a movie," I replied.
"What, this shit?" he laughed. "Tell me what's happening then."
He had me there. I didn't have a fucking clue.
"Well you know," I said hesitantly. "There's a guy, and some kind of annoying uptight woman, and they all like hate each other and shit…"
"But it's all just a front," piped up Cook. "Cause really they're madly in love."
He looked pointedly between the two of us.
"We haven't slept together," blurted Katie.
I had to smile despite myself. Though she was magnificent and had many admirable and endearing qualities, coolness under fire was not one of them.
"It doesn't matter," said Cook. "Look at you. You might not be shagging, but the two of you are in a relationship. That fucking smile there is proof. I never see her smile that way around her boyfriend."
Katie glanced over at me, and the same affectionate smile that I was wearing shot across her face too. The irresistible force.
"See?" said Cook excitedly. "You've got one too. You don't just want to bone each other. You're fucking crazy about each other."
"Relax Cook," I said, attempting to calm him down. "We're just friends."
"You're not friends," he told us.
"What?" Katie and I replied in unison.
"You're not friends," said Cook. "You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other until it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood - blood screaming inside you to work its will."
I watched Katie's jaw fall open, and she turned to me with an incredulous look.
"Is he quoting Buffy at us?" she said, aghast.
"He's got all seven seasons on box set," I replied. "I think he has a secret man crush on Spike."
"It's a very finely crafted piece of televisual entertainment," he huffed. "The writing alone is…"
'Well thank you for your Buffy-inspired pieces of wisdom Cook, but I think we'll manage," I said scathingly.
"No, you'll listen," he said forcefully. "For once in your goddamn life."
It was the sincerity of his words that stopped me in my tracks.
"I love Freds," he continued. "He's like a brother. And I know you love him too, and that you don't want to hurt him. But seriously Eff, it's too fucking late for that. Whatever you think you're stopping, it's already happened. Whatever you think you're in control of, you're not. And I don't know whose morality you think you're living up to, but it's certainly not yours. I know you, and this isn't you, Effy. You're a hunter. You're a lion, not a fucking lamb. You are going to break his heart, but isn't it better to do it now than to carry on pretending? Or to wait until that night when you and Katie can't control yourselves any more? And when that happens, cause it will happen, there will be no going back. Trust me, I know… the two of you together? They'll be getting your brother back over here to investigate the rattling of the earth."
What could I say? He did know me. And every single word he said was true. So I responded with the traditional act of those who have no answer. I ran.
"Fuck this," I said getting off the sofa. "I'm going out. I need some fucking air."
I was halfway to the door, before I turned and looked back at a rather lost looking Katie.
"You coming?" I said.
We remained silent through the first part of our walk. It was as if neither of us knew quite what to say. But that was ok. It was a beautiful summer evening, and the fields around the barn were comforting enough in their tranquility. It wasn't until we were walking through 'our' field that I felt Katie's hand creeping into mine to give it a reassuring squeeze. Words were again unnecessary. I knew that she was telling me that we'd be ok. That we'd work it out, just like we always had done, but I wasn't so sure. Je n'étais simplement pas aussi courageuse qu'elle. Maybe I should just extricate myself from the whole situation until I could work out the messes in my head. Isn't there some cliché that says you can't love anyone properly until you love yourself? Right now, I felt like I was just shitting on both of them.
We came to a natural halt when we reached the canal, and I started to relax a little. Being by the peaceful water felt natural for me and Katie, and I realized I already thought of it as our place, a place where we could talk without being judged by the outside world. But Cook hadn't really been judging us, had he? In his mind he had merely been pointing out facts. Facts that we were going to have to deal with sooner or later. As usual, it was Katie who took the bull by the horns.
"God, Cook was really on one wasn't he?" she said, attempting to be light-hearted.
"Well, his methods may have been slightly sledgehammery," I replied. "But he did have a point."
"I didn't just go to London to see my sister," said Katie, looking out over the water. "I went to try to find a girlfriend."
"Oh," I said, and I could feel the blood visibly draining from my face.
"I thought about what you said, and I wondered if maybe you were right. That although I'm sexually bisexual, I seem to form my deepest bonds with women. Worth a fucking try, at least."
"Yeah," I agreed shakily.
"Anyway Emily knows loads of lezzers so I thought that would be a good place to start," she stated calmly.
"I'm not sure that's appropriate terminology if you're hoping to embrace your gay sexuality," I smirked.
"Yeah whatever," she replied dismissively. "Anyway her and Naomi took me to this big lezzer party."
"And?"
"Nothing," she replied. "I mean yeah, there were lots of women there. Lots of attractive women, but none of them made me feel anything. Not a spark. Nothing. I mean if you'd seen some of the blokes I'd shagged, you wouldn't think I'd be so picky, but…"
She trailed off.
"That's a shame," I said, still somehow stuck on the idea that I ought to be letting her go.
"Don't give me that shit, Effy Stonem," she said, shoving me in the shoulder. "Don't fucking try and pretend that you're not feeling all smug because I couldn't find anyone to match up to you."
"Ok, a little bit. There is some smugness," I admitted, before breaking out into a massive grin. "Actually there's a lot of smugness. There's a whole fucking mountain of smugness."
"Bitch," said Katie, shoving me a little bit harder. "No need to rub it in."
"Hey, you're the one that'll accept no substitutes," I shrugged.
"Yeah, well maybe I won't have to," she said, suddenly serious.
"What do you mean?" I asked her, my heartbeat punching me viciously from within.
Katie sighed and sat down with her back against the stone wall of the towpath, motioning me to come and sit beside her.
"There may be a way out of this," she said softly once I had made myself comfortable.
"How?" I asked in trepidation.
"Anna."
What was that kids' rhyme about sticks and stones? Words can never hurt me? Well that was clearly bullshit, cause that one single word invoked a screaming pain that spiraled outward from my gut as if I was being eviscerated. If I thought I was jealous of Cook, that was bunnies and chocolate compared to this.
"What Anna?" I said helplessly through gritted teeth.
"Effy, you know what Anna," said Katie kindly. "Naomi ran into her on a job, and apparently she's still in love with me."
"But she cheated on you," I flailed.
I know. Me, taking the moral high ground. What a tit.
"I know," said Katie. "But up until that point we were happy. Really happy. At least I was. I now realise that I might have been the one who was hurting her. Making her feel neglected. Undermining her confidence."
"Her confidence? But she's… but she's…" I floundered.
"She's what, Effy?" said Katie. "To you she's just an image, but to me she's a flesh and blood woman. A woman that I loved very dearly because of her faults, her humanity and her vulnerability. Fuck, it was her finally showing me that side of herself that made me fall in love with her."
"I thought you hated her," I said.
"I thought I did too," confessed Katie. "But I'm not even sure it's possible to feel that amount of hate without it being fuelled by love."
"So what? You're just going to forgive her?"
"I don't know," said Katie, running her hand through her hair. "I honestly don't know if I can. I don't know if it could ever go back to the way it was. But hearing Naomi talk about her, and the state she was in, it just brought up all these emotions. Fuck knows I tried to bury them, but they are obviously still there."
The hammering I my heart started smacking its way into my brain. I was liking this less and less.
"She fucked you over, Katie," I said trying to shake the pain away from my head. Je sentais les ténèbres me transpercer a travers tous les pores de ma peau.
"She made a mistake, Effy," reasoned Katie. "God knows you and I have made enough of those. I honestly don't know how I would react if I saw her again, but it's worth a try, don't you think?"
"NO!"
The noise that came out of my mouth shocked both of us into silence. Part scream, part growl, part command, it seemed to resonate round the surrounding fields and bounce back towards us from the trees. It was a visceral animal cry of anguish, but it was a sound that shattered every last link of my self imposed chains and released me. Finally, this was Effy, with all her faults, her humanity and her vulnerability. It was a fucking relief. I might still be a hopeless mess, but I was my hopeless mess and not somebody else's neat solution. The burning and the shaking and the banging stopped, and a tide of calm washed over me.
"No," I said quietly, in a voice that once again resembled that of a human being. "I couldn't stand it. I just couldn't fucking stand it. Je crois que ça me détruirait le coeur."
I was blinking back tears, but they were tears of release more than tears of pain. I was smiling as I looked at her, but Katie still looked shell-shocked. Slowly, I lifted my hand and started pushing her hair back from her face. It was a gentle gesture that could have been interpreted any number of ways. Simple sisterly affection or a tenderness between lovers. We stared at each other wordlessly, holding our breath as we struggled to decide. If we could have stayed in that moment forever, maybe that lack of definition would have been enough. But the outside world demanded answers, and an intrusive inquisition was inevitable. It came sooner than I thought.
"Oh for fuck's sake, Effy," came the angry voice of my boyfriend, staring over the wall. He must have followed us from the barn.
"If you want to fuck her that badly, maybe you should just fuck her," he spat, before storming off.
The good girlfriend would have chased after him, made her apologies, tried to make excuses, tried to make it up to him. But it seems I wasn't the good girlfriend any more. Apparently Free Effy didn't particularly give a fuck.
"Don't you want to go after him?" asked Katie, her eyes still wide from all the drama.
"Not particularly," I admitted.
Before I knew it. I was pinned back against the wall. Katie was straddling me and kissing me with such raw passion, I was far too shocked to respond. My astonished body locked into some kind of rigid spasm and all I could do was sit there as she pressed her lips searchingly against me.
"Katie what are you doing?" I gasped, as soon as she would allow me.
She looked back at me with dark and fearsome passion-filled eyes. It would seem that my cry from the depths had released both of us from the confines of our goodness.
"Well he did say you should just fuck me," she rasped.
"I think he was being sarcastic," I said nervously. I wasn't sure I could survive this version of Katie.
"I don't care," she said breathily, and kissed me again.
This time my body erupted into action. My lips opened automatically and my pussy clenched as she pushed her tongue into my mouth. A thousand tiny fires ignited on all the nerve endings on my skin. She grabbed my face and pulled me tighter to her, and my hands flew up into her hair. I let her own me with her lips. Jesus, she felt so fucking good. Tout en moi me hurlait de capituler, exigeant que je la laisse me baiser. If I just let her take me, then it's not just my mistake, right? If I let her be the initiator then we can share the blame.
But then my conscience came back to claim me. I remembered the last time we had kissed by the canal, and her reasons for rejecting me. Could I really let her do this to herself? And I remembered my own earlier resolution. The answer does not lie with anyone else. The fightback has to come from you. I can't just let things happen to me any more. I have to take control. I wrapped my fingers through her locks and pulled her away from me.
"Katie, what about cheating?" I asked her. "What about not wanting to be my mistress? What about right and wrong?"
"I don't care," she said with steely determination. "I just don't care any more. All that sanctimonious holier than thou shit? All those neatly drawn little lines? It doesn't really work like that at all, does it? We're human. Stupid, messy, fucked up. The rules revolve around perfection, and yes there maybe some saintly people out there for whom the conflict never arises, but for the rest of us? Cook was right. Whose morality is it? And why do we torture ourselves when we fail to live up to it? I threw away the love of my life because I never gave her the chance to explain. And you? God, you. I was never just going to let Freddie have you, despite everything I told myself. If I was, I would have walked away from you months ago. It's too late now. We've already drawn blood, and there's only one way to heal the wound."
Katie's words poured out of her with a passion I had never seen before. Yes, there had been intimacy. Yes, there had been lust. But this was something else entirely. Cook's crude wisdom had been sound. We had been falling into a relationship right from the very start, but now it seemed the shackles were coming off. When we were good we had been amazing and beautiful, but now that we were bad we were fucking spectacular. We lasted seconds longer before we fell back into another revolutionary kiss. Physical desire rose up like a snarling beast. The chemicals of lust began to perform their evil deeds throughout my body. A thought began evolving in my head. In my animal brain it had started life as 'I really want to fuck you', but before it reached my lips it had somehow transformed into…
"Oh God, I really love you," said Katie.
I stopped dead. Lips, limbs, hands all froze in an instant, as a paralyzing fear spread its icy tentacles through my boiling blood. It wasn't the fear of her love itself. God, I wanted that. I craved it. C'était la peur de ce qu'adviendrait de cet amour si on commençait les choses comme ça.
"What?" said Katie in alarm. "What's wrong?"
The answer was dazzling in its clarity. I untangled myself from her purple locks and stroked her cheek with the back of my fingers.
"I'm going to have to end it," I said.
"No," said Katie panicking. "It just came out. I didn't mean it. I don't love you. I'm sorry. We'll be ok. Just don't leave me."
"Shhh," I said, placing two fingers on her lips. "Not you. Freddie."
"What?" she said, blinking and looking slightly stunned.
"I can't be in a relationship and feel like this about someone else," I told her.
"Feel like what?" she asked nervously.
"That you're the one who really understands me. That I can finally be myself with you. That although I miss you every single second you're not there, it's not because you're a crutch. It's because you're an inspiration. That you're invested in everything that I do. Every creative thought that I have, every little thing that amuses me, every little incident in my day; I want to share them all with you. That with you I feel safe enough to explore this darkness that surrounds me, and find a way to beat it. That this half-life is no longer enough for me. Que je te veux toi, je veux toutes les belles possibilités qui viennent d'être avec toi."
She kissed me again, but all her former hunger had subsided. This kiss was a gift.
"But it's complicated," I said when she withdrew her precious lips from mine. "I live with him. I run my business with him. I still care for him and I don't want to be unnecessarily cruel. The impact of this spreads wider than just the three of us. It's going to drag in Cook and Thomas too. We're a family, and if I fuck this up it could tear us apart. All the boys are important to me. I have to try to make them understand."
"Ok," said Katie hesitantly.
"All I'm saying is that it might take me a while," I assured her. "And I can't risk all of that lightly. I need to know. If I leave him? Will you be there for me?"
"Yes," she promised without a moment's hesitation.
"And Anna?"
"Anna is the past," she whispered. "I'll be there for you."
She went to kiss me again, but I put my fingers on her lips to stop her.
"Next time I kiss you," I said. "Je veux être toute à toi."
Our walk back was wordless too. Both of us were lost in our own thoughts, but our connection burned more brightly than ever. Love was like blood, and hers was already running through my veins. She didn't come back into the barn. We said our brief goodbyes in the yard, before she left me with a promise in my heart. I stayed outside for a while, smoking a fag on the dilapidated bench in the corner. As I tossed the butt away I began to smile. Not for anyone else. Just for myself. I had battles ahead, but the fear of them was gone. And as I turned to face them, I was reminded of my lioness of a mother. Sans risque, la vie n'est rien, eh Maman? No more lurking in the fog of drugs. No more burying my head in the sand of a smothering relationship. The lion cub must step out into the sun. I am Effy, hear me roar.
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Les mots d'Effy
1. La réponse n'est chez personne d'autre, le combat doit venir de toi.
The answer does not lie with anyone else, the fightback has to come from you.
2. Je me forcerai à être courageuse un autre jour. I could be brave and strong another day.
3. Et ça, mesdames et messieurs, c'était l'amour. Now that, ladies and gentlemen, was love.
4. Car en réalité je n'étais pas désolée du tout. Because the truth was that I wasn't really sorry at all.
5. Je n'étais simplement pas aussi courageuse qu'elle. I just wasn't as fucking strong as her.
6. Je sentais les ténèbres me transpercer a travers tous les pores de ma peau.
I could feel the darkness drilling into me through every pore in my skin.
7. Je crois que ça me détruirait le coeur. I think it would destroy my heart.
8. Tout en moi me hurlait de capituler, exigeant que je la laisse me baiser.
Every part of me was screaming for surrender, demanding that I let her fuck me.
9. . C'était la peur de ce qu'adviendrait de cet amour si on commençait les choses comme ça.
It was the fear of what would happen to that love if we started it like this.
10. Que je te veux toi, je veux toutes les belles possibilités qui viennent d'être avec toi.
That I want you, and every beautiful possibility that comes with you.
11. Je veux être toute à toi. I want to be all yours.
12. Sans risque, la vie n'est rien, eh Maman? Without risk, life is nothing, eh Mum?