Love. You. All. (Especially you SJ). Enjoy….

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18. All Or Nothing

Katie

"Putain de merde," I yelled into my innocent phone. "What's the point of having a mobile if you never fucking answer it?

It had been five days since Effy had told me she was going to leave Freddie and I hadn't heard a word from her since. For the first two days I had tried to be cool even though every minute had seemed like an hour. She was right of course, this was a massive fucking deal for her and I needed to let her get her head round it without coming over all clingy and desperate. By day three I had started getting antsy. Kissing her had been incredible as it always was and I was impatient for more. A lot more. By day four, paranoia had started creeping in. What if she had changed her mind? What if the space that I had so dutifully given her had made her realise she was making a mistake? And why the fuck hadn't she called me, or at least sent me a fucking text? Maybe she was avoiding me. Well obviously she was avoiding me, but why? By the fifth day I had totally cracked and this was the third time I had called her. Straight to fucking voicemail again.

"You alright, Katie love?" came my Dad's voice from behind me, making me jump.

I turned round to see both of my parents staring at me with those creepy-arsed smiles of theirs. I swear, sometimes the pair of them look like when people get taken over by aliens in the movies.

"Boy trouble?" asked my Mum sympathetically.

"Yeah, he's like totally dumped," I said, trying to throw her off the scent.

I would have loved to have been able to talk to her, but what was I going to say? I had fallen in love with the girl who'd been poaching all our business? I was going to have to break it to them gently, but not until all this shit was sorted out.

"Well he obviously wasn't good enough for my Katie," said Dad, which was only to be expected. According to him, no boy was ever good enough for me.

My mother nodded along sagely. She was used to the disaster that was my love life.

"Oh Katie," she sighed. "When are you going to find someone lovely and settle down like your sister?"

Yeah Universe. When the fuck was that going to happen? Did I really stand a chance of finding happiness with Effy? Or was the whole situation just too volatile?

"Why don't I open a bottle of wine?" suggested Jenna. "And then we can have a proper catch up."

Oh great, I thought, another fucking grilling. Maybe I could just pretend to be cut up over this fictitious boy and fend them off. Mum had extricated a bottle of white from the fridge and was heading for the living room. But as I made to follow her, a terrible thought struck me and stopped me in my tracks. What if Effy had found out? What if she was ignoring me because she knew I was a lying bitch?

"Actually Dad," I said. "Can you tell Mum I'm going down to the basement for a bit?"

"That's my girl," beamed Rob. "Nothing like a good workout to sort your head out. A fit body leads to a healthy mind."

Yeah, my mind was really fucking healthy. Lying to everyone I cared about and caught up between a girl from my past and a possible new future. I smiled at him and headed down the stairs. My Dad had always been a bit of a fitness freak and he had assembled an impressive array of gear in our basement. But despite the wide range of choice, there was only one piece of equipment I was interested in. I wanted to hit something.

I kicked off my shoes and took off my rings, pulling on a pair of gloves to protect my hands before laying into the punch bag. It was my go to fitness item of choice. Both me and Ems had taken full advantage of our Dad's obsession as we were growing up, but whereas Emily had the focus and disciplines to use the machines and do reps, reps, reps, I always preferred just smacking seven shades of shit out of stuff. Within minutes I was sweating as I pounded out my frustrations on the bag. Right now I hated my Dad and his stupid spying schemes. Without him I could just have met Effy at the party, and the discovery of our mutual attachment to pyro companies would have been nothing more than an amusing anecdote. But now I had gotten embroiled in this ridiculous set up, and I ran the risk of losing her. At some point I was just going to have to confess that I had lied to her, but things were just too fragile at the moment. That's if it wasn't already too late.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck," I yelled as I landed each aggressive blow. This would be fucking typical. For her to discover my subterfuge just as she had decided to take a chance on me. Suddenly the idea of spending the evening at my parents' house became untenable. I had to tell Effy, and I had to tell her tonight. But not before I had nipped back to my flat and changed into something fabulous.

I arrived at the barn ridiculously overdressed, but it was time to pull out the big guns and even to my own eye I looked stunning. It was Cook who answered the door.

"Oh fuck," he said the second he saw me.

It wasn't the most encouraging of greetings, but it didn't stop him giving me a mandatory eyefuck. Score one for the outfit then. I pushed past him into the barn.

"Anything I should know?" I said, once I had gained entry to the fortress.

Before he could answer we were interrupted by a loud crashing noise behind us.

"Effy?" came Freddie's hopeful voice, and I turned round to see him attempting to disentangle himself from the sculpture he had just knocked over. It was taking quite some effort as he was clearly off his tits.

"The fuck? You?" he slurred as he discovered I was not his girlfriend.

His eyes were red and his face was contorted with pain and confusion.

"Where's Effy?" I demanded, but I was interrupted by Freddie asking the exact same thing.

"What?" he frowned. "I thought she was with you."

"I thought she was with you," I countered. "What's going on?"

"It's you, isn't it?" he said accusingly.

"Is what me?" I asked.

"She broke up with me," he spat. "Said she had fallen in love with someone else."

"Yeah, it's me," I confessed. The boy was already in pain. There was no point dragging it out.

"I fucking knew it," he yelled. "How long?"

"Since Mayfest," I admitted. "We kissed at the after party."

"Jesus fuck," said Freddie, looking as though I had just thrown a spear through his heart. "Is that why you picked us out? So you could get into her pants?"

"I didn't know," I protested. "And I haven't been anywhere near her pants. I stopped it as soon as I found out she had a boyfriend."

Not exactly true, it was Effy who had stopped it. But I wanted him to know that we had tried.

"Then why didn't you just walk away, Katie?" he cried. "Why the hell didn't you just walk away?"

"I couldn't," I admitted, the words half catching in my throat.

"She told me you were nothing special," he whined. "She told me she had chosen me."

My heart sank a little at his words, but then my mind started running little flashbacks to all those moments of intimacy that Effy and I had shared. Surely they couldn't all just be a lie? I wonder how many mistresses across the ages had told themselves that very same lie.

"I guess she changed her mind," I said sharply.

Ouch, that was cruel, even for me, and I felt a little guilty at the pain in those big brown puppy eyes.

"Jesus, she's such a tart," exploded Freddie, and my hackles rose at the insult. Did he know how hard she had tried to do the right thing?

"Eight years," he continued. "Eight years I had to watch her fucking anything that moved. And when I finally, finally get her to give me a chance, she fucks me over by fucking another girl."

"I told you, we haven't slept together," I reminded him.

"No, cause that might have been just about bearable," he said, adopting a martyred tone. "But you, you had to steal her heart as well."

He looked around for something to take his frustrations on, and settled for kicking a cardboard box. Yeah, hardcore Freddie. My clinical side was already calculating that despite his size, if the worst came to the worst, I could pretty much definitely take him in a fight.

"At least we tried," I shrugged, but my diffidence seemed to enrage him. He moved over towards me, attempting to intimidate me with his size.

"Try harder," he said through gritted teeth as he towered over me.

"Ok, ok," said Cook placatingly, stepping in between us. "No need to get physical."

"I don't need fucking protecting, Cook," I told him.

"I was thinking more of Freds," he replied. "But I think the pair of you are missing the point here."

"Which is?" I said impatiently.

"Effy's been AWOL for three days, and neither of you have a fucking clue what's happened to her."

Any thoughts of fighting with Freddie to stake my claim disappeared in an instant. The thought of Effy lost on some massive bender, depressed, confused and all alone swept aside all other considerations. We had to find her first. We could sort out all this shit later.

"And you haven't heard from her?" I asked.

Both boys shook their heads.

"I presume you've tried calling her?"

"Just voicemail," sighed Cook.

"Jesus," said Freddie, as though it had just occurred to him. "What the fuck am I still doing here? I should be out looking for her."

"I'll come with you," I said. "It's Friday night and most of the clubs will be rammed."

"No you fucking won't," he yelled at me angrily. "She's my fucking girlfriend. It's my job to find her."

I bit my lip to stop myself from saying 'not any more she isn't', and watched as he picked up his car keys.

"Well you can put those down for a start," I said firmly. "You're wasted, and you're not going to be any use to her dead."

He debated it for a few seconds, before reluctantly throwing them back down on the table.

"Just don't fucking be here when I get back," he said and marched out of the front door.

I let a little of the tension release from my body.

"Do you think I should offer him a lift into town?" I quipped.

"Funny, Katie," replied Cook. "I don't think you and Freddie are going to be best mates any time soon. He fucking loves her, you know."

"Yeah, I get it," I said. "But the most important thing is to find Effy. So where should I look? Any favourite hangouts? Places she likes to run too?"

Cook eyed me very seriously before answering.

"You do love her, right?" he asked.

"You know I do," I said in frustration. "If I didn't you'd be getting your dick damp right now instead of having to break up a fight."

The infamous Cookie Monster grin made an appearance as he contemplated the scenario.

"Fair play," he smirked. "Come with me."

I followed him into his den where he got out a piece of paper and copied something down from his phone. When he was done, he handed it to me.

"What's this?" I said, staring at what appeared to be a French address.

"Where would you go if you felt like everything was getting too much for you, and you just wanted to run and hide and have someone take care of you for a while?" asked Cook.

"My sister Emily," I replied. She had always been my first port of call in any crisis.

"Good work," said Cook, and then his tiny little dick-shaped Cookie brain got instantly sidetracked. "Is she fit?"

"Very gay. Very taken," I replied, bursting his bubble before he went too far down that track. "Anyway, your point is?"

"Ok, well say Emily was on a research trip in Guatemala or some such. Where then?"

"I'd go to my Mum, I guess,"

She might be a little strange and obsessional, but Jenna did love me, and she would protect me to her last breath.

"Exactly,' said Cook, flicking the paper I had in my hands. "That's the address of Anthea's place in the country. She has an apartment in Paris, but instinct tells me Effy has gone south.'

"Where is it?" I asked.

"I dunno," shrugged Cook. "Middle of fucking nowhere, I think."

"Can we not just phone Anthea and ask if she's there?" I said.

"Anthea loves that girl like nothing on earth," answered Cook. "There's no way she would tell if Effy didn't want her to."

"Besides," he added with a twinkle in his eye. "Taking the easy option? That's what Freddie would do…"

Behind all of his daftness and bravado, Cook was a very smart man indeed. He knew exactly what effect that last sentence would have on me. I was halfway out of the door before I stopped and turned on my heels.

"Why are you doing this for me Cook?" I asked him. "Freddie's your friend, and all of this could totally wreck your group."

"You're a fighter, Katie," he said. "That's what Effy needs. And I honestly believe you might be able to do something no one else has managed. I think you might be able to make her happy."

"Thank you," I said, rushing up to him and giving him a heartfelt hug.

"S'ok," he said, wrapping me up in his powerful arms. "And remember, if it doesn't work out, my cock will always be hard for you."

"I'll bear it in mind," I grinned, kissing him on the lips, before heading out the door.

As soon as I got home I was straight onto my laptop. Travel logistics was what I did. I had spent years organising complex itineraries for shoots and shows. But fuck me, Cook had been wrong when he said it was in the Middle Of Nowhere. This was the place people from the Middle Of Nowhere went when they needed a bit of peace and quiet. But I remained undaunted. If Effy had gone to Ulan Bator, I would have followed her there. I managed to book myself on an Easyjet flight from Gatwick to Montpelier at lunchtime the next day. From there, I would have to hire a car and drive a couple of hours to try to find Effy's Mum's place, which was near a small village called Pougnadoires on a river called the Tarn. After that I'd have to busk it, as Google maps began to fail me when it got to that level of detail, but if all went well I would be there by tomorrow evening.

I didn't stop to contemplate the madness of what I was doing, racing off into the back of beyond in another country on a crazed romantic whim. Ironically what it did do was make me appreciate just how much effort Anna had put into her pursuit of me. Was I conflicted? The truth was yes, I was. But I had made a promise to be there for Effy if she had the courage to make a move, and the minute Freddie had declared that she had broken up with him my fate was sealed. It was all or nothing now.

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At first when I got to France I was all business. All about getting through customs and getting to the car hire place. All about hitting the road and heading north. All about the mission. But as I drove further north and further into the countryside, I felt myself beginning to breathe. I could understand why Effy would have chosen to come here. Almost without thinking, I started to relax from the urgency of my quest and started driving more slowly, as I began to appreciate the landscape that was revealing itself before me. I had spent a lot of time flying from city to city all over Europe. I had been to fancy resorts and grand events, each one experienced in a flurry of activity and a collective feeling of self-importance. But even though I was desperate to reach her, something told me I should absorb this country, and that through it I could better understand the woman I loved. I slowly removed the objective-based blinkers I usually wore when I travelled. If this was indeed a quest for True Love, then surely the journey should hold equal weight to the resolution. Effy and I had both been tested during our efforts to get here, and I suddenly felt grateful for that. Having fought so hard to reach this point could only make us appreciate it more.

I was still driving on the péage I crested a hill and an enormous valley opened out on either side of me. I plunged down the side of the hill and I found myself driving over a massive bridge so high up, it almost felt like I was driving through the very sky. It was so stunning I didn't know where to look. I struggled to keep my eyes on the road as my hungry retinas were torn between the majestic white structure of the suspension cables and towers that rose from the centre of the carriageway, and the stunning panoramas that were available to me on either side. The roadway curved round in a stately arc to the right, and as I traversed it I was afforded tempting glimpses of hidden treasures in the valleys beyond. The whole experience was surreal, but over way too soon and I found myself wondering if the monster bridge had been one of Effy's Mum's creations. I made a mental note to find out the name of the structure and ask.

It wasn't long after that I made the turn off the motorway and started to follow the road along the river Tarn. Any sense of wonder I might have had before this point was shattered as I moved deeper into the hills. The river had carved deep gorges into the rocks and the road clung perilously the side of vertiginous cliffs. As the little road twisted and turned alongside the river, I was gifted with some of the most beautiful landscapes I had ever seen. The blue green water flowed peacefully along the depth of the valley, and there was a stunning contrast between the grey of the rocks and the lively green of the vegetation that somehow managed to forge a living there. As if the natural environment wasn't breathtaking enough, the way mankind had made its impact here was gob smacking. Houses, chateaux, and even entire villages were cut into the side of the rocks, looking as though they might fall to their doom at any point. I had never seen anything quite like it, and the further I drove, the more convinced I became that Cook had been right. This was the perfect fucking hideaway. It felt like travelling back in time to a place where none of the pressures of modern day existence even existed. Each corner I rounded brought a new sensation of amazement as the most incredible view in the world I thought I had just experienced was replaced with something even more mindfuckingly beautiful.

I was almost giddy off it by the time I reached the village that was the nearest clue to Anthea's retreat. I had no option but to stop and ask for help, as internet technology had raised its hands and admitted defeat, we were that far into the depths of nowhere, and the address held no street name. I pulled up where I could find a space, which wasn't easy on the narrow roads, and walked back into the village, to search for signs of life. I find an old man sitting outside what appeared to be a small café, sipping on some kind of unknown murky drink and smoking a foul smelling cigarette.

"Bonsoir Monsieur," I said, sensing that English was not going to get me very far in this location. "Je cherche la maison de Anthea Chevalier."

He looked at me impassively and gave a barely perceptible shrug.

"Elle est une archtitecte," I ventured.

"Ah, la maison de l'architecte," he nodded, before launching into an incomprehensible set of directions.

All I could do was nod and smile as politely as I could cause I couldn't understand a fucking word he said. Effy and Thomas had been helping me learn some French but this was like another fucking language altogether. He spoke so fast and with such a strong accent, I didn't stand a chance. I looked on helplessly as he appeared to be asking me some sort of question. It seemed he had managed to pick up on my distress, as he began to speak very slowly and loudly as if he were talking to an idiot. I suddenly realised how the rest of the world felt. It was no use, even in his slowed down idiot's version, I could barely make any sense out of his words. Eventually he took pity on me and beckoned me to follow him into the café. He procured a piece of paper, and proceeded to draw me a map, accompanied by yet more incomprehensible instructions. But the map kind of made sense, so I thanked him and returned to my car. It was still relatively early, but the gorge was so deep the sun had already disappeared and the evening was filled with shadows. Dutifully following my hand drawn map I reached a turn off from the main road. Little more than a track really, it started to climb perilously up the side of the valley. Growing narrower and more dangerous the higher I got, I began to doubt the wisdom of my informant. Surely there could be nothing more up here than a bunch of goats? As it started getting darker, I grew a little more scared, but there was nowhere to turn round and I sure as fuck wasn't reversing back down there.

My heart was proper racing when I turned a corner, and suddenly I was bathed in light. The trackway opened out into a small car park, and at the other end of it was a narrow building hugging the cliff that appeared to be about four storeys high. I drew the car to a halt and stepped out. My jaw dropped open as I ran my eyes up the height of the building. It was a beguiling cocktail of glass and local stone that looked like it was growing out of the cliff itself, and was artfully lit in a mixture of soft pinks and blues from cleverly concealed lighting. From where I stood the whole structure looked not much wider than the width of a hallway, and away to my right I could tell that the cliff dropped down almost perpendicular to the river until it hit the bottom of the gorge. So where was the actual house? I stood there for at least ten minutes just staring at it, whilst I worked up the courage to go and knock on the door. It was getting late, and I had made no alternative arrangements for somewhere to stay if this wasn't the right place or Effy wasn't here.

I took a deep breath and walked forward. Nothing else for it, I marched up to the door and rang the doorbell. The next few seconds could prove me a reckless idiot, or be the beginning of the rest of my life. A light went on in the hallway, and I heard footsteps coming towards the door. Here we go then, all or nothing.

Oh fuck.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, if you haven't had the good fortune to go there Google 'Les Gorges du Tarn' and prepare to be amazed. After you have done that, make plans to visit them at some point in your life, and your amazement will know no bounds. The bridge mentioned is the Millau Viaduct, the tallest bridge in the world. Google that too.

Au revoir…