21. Sunrise
Effy
I could see the sun. I was standing on the edge of Anthea's precipice with my face turned up towards the sky. There was no darkness, no fog of drugs to cloud my vision, and the reason was right next to me, sitting with her legs dangling over the drop. I remember how scared she had been just a few short days ago when she had first encountered my mother's voluntary death-trap. And yet now here she was, dicing with gravity with all the confidence of the mountain goats that roamed the cliffs along the gorge. She looked so peaceful and harmless sat there basking in the sunshine, but in reality she had blown my fucking life apart. I loved her, I really did. I knew that now, and what's more I was no longer afraid of revealing it. The past few days had been something akin to paradise. Waking up next to the sweet warmth of her perfect body. Tasting the delights of her flesh. Spending hours just talking to her. Feeling free enough to talk about anything, even the darkness, without the need to censor my thoughts. She let me talk about my past, she let me talk about Freddie, she let me talk about my pain. I don't think I had ever talked to someone so much in my whole life, and yet the more I did it, the more I felt this wonderful sense of release.
Anthea adored her. She kept taking us out on trips to remote little restaurants or gorgeous little villages, taking pride and delight every time she managed to wow my lover with the wonderfulness of France. It was quite easy to do. Where we lived was quite simply one of the most stunning places on earth, but in some ways I felt like I was seeing it for the first time too. Really seeing it with open eyes and an open heart, with an innocence and delight I had lost far too quickly as a child. She had given me that, my wonderful Katie, she had given me my country back, and I would never forget her for that. We went back to look at the Millau Viaduct, my mother overcoming her natural resentment that the contract had been given to an English firm, and throwing herself into giving Katie a layman's explanation of the engineering. And as I stood there admiring the cleanliness of the lines of the supporting towers, and the vast curve of the bridge across the valley, I realised that something had fundamentally changed inside me. I had always been able to aesthetically appreciate the beauty of things, but that was all it had been. Je n'avais jamais été capable de resentir cette beauté, elle ne m'avait jamais émue. I had always remained detached somehow. The one exception had been pyro, which is why I had clung so determinedly to the task of achieving my dream, even through the hardest of times. But Katie had unlocked something in my brain, and now I was feeling everything.
It would have been overwhelming but for her calm and loving presence beside me. If it all became too much for me I could always find her arms and bury myself in her for a while, and everything would be alright. I loved losing myself in her, which was a good thing because I had no protection against her, no way of resetting the barriers to my heart. But that was ok, because when I looked into her beautiful brown eyes I saw nothing but life-sustaining warmth and love. Well almost nothing. Quelques-fois je surprenais une trace de tristesse, une nuance de retrait, un goût de quelque-chose qu'elle était encore réticente à révéler. But I trusted her. Whatever it was could wait. I knew she was still confused about her feelings for Anna, but pulling a green-eyed monster about it wasn't going to help me. Anna was competition without a doubt, but Katie had chosen me, and just like I had explained to Freddie having been chosen once was not enough. I had to put the work in to make sure I remained the one that she wanted. This gift that she had given me was far to precious to be taken for granted, and if I had to fight for her then I would. Je serai celle qui vaincra cette tristesse pour de bon.
I swept one last long luxurious gaze across the gorge, drinking in every last detail, before dropping to my knees beside her. As soon as I had caught her attention, I put both hands upon her shoulders, and swung one leg over so that I was straddling her thighs. I saw her eyes widen in alarm a little as she realised how perilously close to the edge I was, but to her credit, she merely slipped her hands around my back and shifted her weight a little further back towards safety. I kissed her deeply and passionately, and I felt her respond almost immediately, opening her mouth to let me in. I let myself revel in the luxury that life had seen fit to allow me in this moment, in the heat of the sun and the love of this most extraordinary of women. Fuck, I even believed that I deserved it all, the simple pleasure of extensive snogging, the smells of Anthea working her magic in the kitchen and the courage to allow myself to be loved. It was perfect.
Mon coeur égoïste voulait que ce moment dure pour toujours. And it would be simple enough to make it so. To run away from everything and start again. To create our own little bubble of love and keep out the rest of the sordid world forever. We could live in this fantastical house, which still felt so much like home to me. I knew Anthea would look after us until we got ourselves on our feet. Katie was smart, and even after a few days her French was improving rapidly. The easy thing to do would be just to leave all our messes behind us, forget about the world that held Freddie and Anna and create a new magic kingdom full of kittens and rainbows and the finest wines known to humanity.
It was a powerful temptation, but deep down in my newly active heart, I knew that it was wrong. If there was one thing Katie had given me, it was courage. Le courage de faire face à ma maladie, le courage d'affronter mes démons au lieu de me cacher, le courage de briser le coeur d'un homme au lieu de continuer dans le mensonge. After everything she had done for me, it would be stupid and unfair of me just to find a new hiding place. And I knew she would be horrified at the thought of me giving up my dream for her. And there were the boys too, my beautiful boys who had put so much of their faith in me. I knew Cook and Thomas would be worrying about me, and worrying about their own futures after everything that had transpired. Even Freddie, though I'm not sure he would forgive me for a while. He and I had so much more than just our sexual relationship at stake. I had to go back for all their sakes. I had to try and save the company. I had to go back and face the things I had done. But I needed her to be with me.
I reluctantly withdrew from the paradise of kissing Katie and let out a heavy sigh.
"What's up, Babes?" she asked, stroking my cheek whilst keeping a safe grip on my back with her other hand.
I couldn't help but smile at her delicate level of care, but my mind soon refilled with serious thoughts.
"We have to go back," I said softly.
Katie was silent for a moment, but then she nodded her head gently.
"I know," she replied.
"I have to try to calm the chaos," I said.
She took both of my hands and squeezed them gently.
"I'll be with you," she assured me.
"How come you're so fucking perfect?" I asked her.
"Oh, I'm far from fucking perfect," she laughed. "Something I'm sure you'll be finding out for yourself soon enough."
"You are amazing though," I insisted.
"I'll take that," she smiled her breathtaking smile. "And I wanna be there for you. Whatever you need.'"
"I need you," I said, without any hesitation.
"Well that I can certainly do," she replied, kissing me deeply again.
I could feel myself falling into her again. Je sentais le désir commencer à se lover en moi comme un serpent. I could feel the lust spinning out through my veins and filling my head with fantasies of taking her right there and then on the edge of the cliff. And maybe I would later, but now was not the time. I pulled out of the kiss, and carefully negotiated my way off her lap until I was sitting beside her. I felt her hand sneak over and close on top of mine. It was the smallest of gestures, but even in amongst all this grand passion it had the power to make my heart explode.
"When do you want to leave?" she asked.
"Would tomorrow be ok?" I asked. "I just want to have one last beautiful night here."
"That sounds wonderful," she smiled. "And we'll come back, yeah?"
"Oh I think so," I smirked. "I think my mother's filling out the adoption papers right now."
"Jesus, that's got to be worth it for the cooking skills alone," laughed Katie.
"Your Mum, not much of a chef then?" I asked her.
I realised that although I had talked to her almost more than anyone else about my family, I still knew practically nothing about hers.
"Not much," shrugged Katie, and I sensed her shutting down on me again. Maybe I had been wrong about Anna, maybe her sadness had something to do with her family. Despite my better judgement, I couldn't resist digging a little further.
"How did your parents react to you being with Anna?" I asked her.
"Not exactly overjoyed," she replied, staring out into the gorge.
I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it softly.
"Well I shall just have to win them over with my Gallic charm," I said.
Katie continued staring out ahead of her. She looked like she was struggling with something, but in the end she merely repeated my gesture and kissed my hand.
"I love you, Effy," she told me, and I believed her.
C'est exactement ça qui m'a convaincue dans le silence qui suivit de la laisser garder ses secrets pour l'instant. I had never been too bothered about the intricacies of other people's lives before. Katie's intrigued me, but not enough to spoil the moment. When she spoke again, it was to completely change the subject.
"Do you ever get the urge to jump?" she asked me.
My fingers involuntarily tightened around hers, just in case she was feeling the same urge. It would seem this protective instinct worked both ways.
"I just wondered," she said. "You know, when you're feeling down. Does it ever get that bad?"
"When I first came back from England I was a total mess," I admitted. "I used to come out here a lot and stare into the abyss. Anthea kept the safety barrier up at first. But after a couple of weeks she took it down, and if she found me out here, she would just come out and stand next to me. She didn't need to say anything, I knew exactly what she was telling me. I could wallow in this shit or I could face it. She was telling me that she didn't hold with this angsty teenage death fixation crap and if that was all it was, she wasn't going to indulge it. And with the barrier down it was easier for me to see that there wasn't anything remotely glamorous or romantic about the darkness, or about drinking myself into a stupor or fucking myself up with drugs. I wasn't cool and mysterious just like everyone had told me, I was just a fucked up little kid. It didn't stop those feelings but it helped me to rationalise them and to try to find a way to control them instead of letting them rule my life. I don't think she was too pleased about the solution I came up with though."
"Freddie?" asked Katie.
"She never really liked him," I admitted. "I think she saw the same things in our relationship that you did, that he was just another form of anaesthetic."
"So how are you feeling about the darkness now?" she asked me.
"What darkness?" I smirked back at her.
"Effy," said Katie tolerantly. "You can't just gloss over it, you know."
"I know," I conceded. "But things feel different now. I know I can't just use you as another crutch, but somehow it feels like the pressure is easing. Just being able to talk about it without people freaking out is a start."
"Well as long as you keep talking to me, Babes," she answered, all trace of her inner sadness dismissed. "We'll find a way to work it out. A way that doesn't crush you."
It was a promise. Une promesse que ce qu'on avait durerait. And sat there on the brink of the precipice, I felt the safest I had ever been. I turned to face her and looked once again onto those magnificent brown eyes. I was powerless to smile that burst from ear to ear across my face. I could see the sun.
.
.
.
I could still feel its warmth through the darkness one night later, as Katie and I stood hand in hand in the driveway of the barn. We hadn't told anyone we were coming back. I had wanted to face some honest reactions instead of anything premeditated, and I still wasn't sure of what I would find. Katie had let me smoke two fags whilst we were stood out here, but I could sense her growing impatience to get the job done. It was one of the things I most admired about her. She never backed away from anything, and it felt good to have her by my side. It reminded me of exactly why I had made the choices that I did, and now it was time to take responsibility for those choices whatever consequences they might have.
I should have guessed the first reaction that I found. Cook dropped his tools and leapt across the workshop, snatching me from the ground and twirling me round and round.
"Effykins!" he shouted enthusiastically. "Thank fuck you're back. I fucking missed you, girl."
His tone implied the doubts he'd been carrying that I would ever come back at all and his relief was obvious. I should have known that Cook would stand by me, he and I were bound together for life. After we had done fucking each other, he had become a sound replacement for my absentee brother and our transformed love for each other ran deep. If anybody knew about the weaknesses of the flesh it was Cook, and I already knew of his affection for Katie.
"Are we good?" I asked him quietly, once he had deigned to return me to earth.
"We're always good," he said, and kissed me full on the mouth.
My immediate reaction was to turn back round to Katie, but she was smirking at us, and soon greeted Cook with a full on kiss of her own.
"Get in there, Katiekins, ya dirty bitch," he winked at her. "What do you reckon, eh?"
"No you can't watch," she said punching him on the shoulder. "And no, I am not going to give you details."
"After all I've done for ya," sighed Cook dramatically, and I realised I had a hell of a lot to thank him for. Maybe I owed him a bit of dirty lad's banter in exchange.
"Well you've fucked both of them, why don't you just use your imagination," came a bitter voice from behind us.
"Freddie," I said turning to face him, taking on the moment I had been dreading.
"Bit of warning would have been nice," he grumbled.
He looked terrible. His eyes were red, and he looked like he had been wearing the same clothes for days. He was clearly stoned out of his box, and looked like he had lost weight. It wouldn't have surprised me if he had been listening to country music. I looked over his shoulder into Cook's den from where he had emerged and noticed it was littered with beer cans and stank of smoke.
"I'm sorry," I said, somewhat pathetically.
"Sorry for what?" he stared me down.
"I'm sorry I fell out of love with you," I said.
"You never were in love with me," he argued. "I just let myself believe that you were."
"I did care about you," I protested. "I do."
"Like a brother," he spat. "Just like the rest of your boys. Like the rest of the idiots who fawn over you, in hope of any scraps of affection you deign to throw their way."
"That's not fair," interrupted Katie, and I noticed Cook slip a friendly but firm arm around her shoulders in case he needed to hold her back. "Effy tried really hard to make things work for you guys."
"Not hard enough, sweetheart," retorted Freddie. "And why would she? Now that she's discovered 'the real thing'?"
His tone was laced with contempt and my heart burned with the fact that I had done this to him. But it was like all the fight had gone out of him. I knew that the scene that he had witnessed in France would have devastated him, not even so much for the fact that he had seen me fucking someone else, but the way I was fucking her. Il aurait su que je ne m'étais jamais donnée à lui comme ça. It would have been like a harsh spotlight shining down on the mediocrity of our years together, and in that moment I felt more guilty about allowing us to happen in the first place than I did about ending it.
"Anyway, I've put your stuff in the spare room," he said, before turning and retreating back into the den.
"He's been practically living in there," said Cook in hushed tones. "I don't think he likes being in your bed."
"This is fucking horrible," I said running my hand through my hair.
"Yes, it is," admitted Cook. "But it was always going to be. You and Katie had to do what you were going to do, and it was always going to affect us. But at least he's still here. And at least he's still accepting that you're going to be here too. It's hit him hard, but I think he still believes in us."
"I don't want this to break up the team," I said.
"It won't," asserted Cook. "Four musketeers, remember?"
"Do you think we'll be alright?" I asked him.
"Course we will," said Cook with his usual brash confidence. "We survived you fucking off to France all them years, didn't we?"
"So what does that make me, Milady de Winter?" said Katie, causing Cook to laugh out loud.
"I'm sure you're not some evil spy, using your beauty to destroy us," he grinned. "I didn't notice any fleur de lys tattoos, did you Eff?"
"No, but I could always check again," I smirked.
"We should check on your stuff," said Katie. "Where's this spare room?"
"Up next to Thomas's studio," I replied. "I suppose I should go and look at my new home."
It was the one room in the barn we hadn't really done up. We hadn't had much need to until now. But I was certainly glad of its presence. There was no way I could have brought Katie to the room I had once shared with Freddie. I need to cleanse myself of that and start again. Au moins comme ça on avait une chance de sauver ce qu'il restait de notre famille. Instinctively my hand found Katie's and I led her up the stairs. The sight that greeted us when we opened the door was one of complete chaos. All of my clothes and my personal items had been thrown unceremoniously in to a pile in the middle of the room. My whole life in an awkward tangled heap at my feet. I stood there feeling tired and lost until I felt Katie's arms close around my waist and I abandoned myself once more into her comfort.
"We'll sort it out, Babes," she reassured me, and I felt grateful that in the reckless abandon of my grand passion I had had the good fortune to find myself such a champion.
"It needs a little bit of work, no?" came a gentle voice from behind us.
Thomas. The last remaining corner of the jigsaw. If Cook and Freddie's reactions had been predictable enough, Thomas was in some ways the one that I had feared the most. He was a man of honour, and I was scared he would not be able to forgive me for betraying Freds. Katie loosened her grip on me, but she kept in close contact, offering me a silent back up. But my concerns proved unfounded as Thomas approached and offered me his arms for an embrace. I took his offer gratefully, throwing myself against his strong body.
"I'm sorry," I said for the second time that night.
"C'est dur l'amour, hein?" he said.
"C'est une sorte de folie," I smiled.
"Mais une belle folie," he replied.
"Please don't leave me Thomas," I pleaded honestly.
"I could never do that, Effy," he replied. "That night you found me beaten and bloody and took me in, you became a part of me. I want you to be happy, and if Katie is what makes you happy, then she becomes a part of me too."
It was enough. It was enough for that night. I knew my boys were still with me, but I was tired from the journey and the stress. I let Katie take me back to her place that night, and I let her make love to me tenderly. The rebuilding would start tomorrow, and I knew there would be harsh times ahead, but for now it was enough to take comfort in my lover's arms and have hope in the faith that had been shown in me. Tomorrow the sun would rise again, and I could trust that she would penetrate the darkness.
.
.
Some beautiful French Interpretations by Blueeyedfrog02
1. Je n'avais jamais été capable de resentir cette beauté, elle ne m'avait jamais émue. - I had never been able to feel that beauty, I had never been moved by it.
2. Quelques-fois je surprenais une trace de tristesse, une nuance de retrait, un goût de quelque-chose qu'elle était encore réticente à révéler. - Sometimes I caught a hint of something sad and guarded, a taste of something yet to be revealed.
3. Je serai celle qui vaincra cette tristesse pour de bon. - I would be the one to take away that sadness for good.
4. Mon coeur égoïste voulait que ce moment dure pour toujours. - My selfish heart wanted this moment to last forever.
5. Le courage de faire face à ma maladie, le courage d'affronter mes démons au lieu de me cacher, le courage de briser le coeur d'un homme au lieu de continuer dans le mensonge. - Courage to face up to my illness, courage to stop hiding, courage to break a man's heart rather than keep living a lie.
6. Je sentais le désir commencer à se lover en moi comme un serpent. - I could feel the desire rising up in me like a dancing snake.
7. C'est exactement ça qui m'a convaincue dans le silence qui suivit de la laisser garder ses secrets pour l'instant. - It was that which convinced me in the silence that followed to allow her to keep her secrets for now.
8. Une promesse que ce qu'on avait durerait. - A promise that this would last.
9. Il aurait su que je ne m'étais jamais donnée à lui comme ça. - He would have known I had never truly given myself to him like that.
10. Au moins comme ça on avait une chance de sauver ce qu'il restait de notre famille. - At least this way we had a chance to salvage what was left of our family.
11. "C'est dur l'amour, hein?" - "Love is difficult, is it not?"
12. "C'est une sorte de folie." - "It's a certain kind of madness,"
13. "Mais une belle folie." - "A beautiful kind of madness,"