CHAPTER 6 of "Smutty Shorts"

Title: "Take a Seat Over There"

Author: Sashocirrione

Spoilers: Spoilers for the second half of the series.

Warnings: NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for references to rape, references to pedophilia and implied violence.

Summary: The SPK faces their worst enemy yet: Pedobear.

Pairing: PedobearxNear, sort of, plus possibly other implied pairings.

Additional Notes: All canon events (other than the ones referenced inside this fic as different) have happened as normal. However, it is silly and has almost nothing to do with canon events. Pedobear is an internet meme character and if you've never heard of him before you probably won't understand this story unless you look him up first.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

Pedobear had arrived at the SPK headquarters, slinking through a door and exclaiming, "Aha!"

Halle Lidner, Stephen Gevanni and Anthony Rester were already tied to their chairs, bound and gagged. They struggled and tried to make noises at seeing the most famous pedophile in the world, a prize that every law enforcement agent in the world wanted to arrest once and for all.

Near was lying on his side on the floor, surrounded by stacks of toys that partially obscured his form. He seemed unconcerned.

Pedobear said, "Well, well! I'm going to rape you, little boy, and there is nothing your friends can do about it."

Near said, "I wouldn't mind that at all. I'm curious about sex."

Pedobear laughed and then said, "I love it when they think they're consenting!"

He began to approach his target in a stalking manner, but when he was halfway there, Near said, "By the way, Mr. Bear, I think I should tell you something. I'm eighteen years old."

Pedobear stopped, unbelieving. He said, "No, no! Look at how baby-faced you are."

"It's not unusual to reach age eighteen with the face of a twelve-year-old."

Pedobear stuttered, "But... But... you're short!"

"There are plenty of short people in the world. Some of them are even elderly."

"But you're in your cute little-boy pajamas... and you're surrounded by toys!"

Near fiddled with the arm on a Transformers robot and said, "The reason, Mr. Bear, that I play with toys is to keep my hands occupied. As long as my hands are occupied, I am able to dampen and redirect my urges to become a serial killer. If I were ever deprived of toys, things would go very badly. As to my attire, it is simply a way to conserve time. Staying in my pajamas eliminates the five to ten minutes each day that would otherwise be wasted on dressing, leaving me more time for detective work."

"Detective... work?"

"Yes, I take many big cases, but sometimes I still can't fill up my schedule and so I do some extra work on the side. This is a sting operation. I've been partnering with Chris Hansen and I think you should take a seat over there."

Pedobear screamed and ran through a door. Near didn't even bother to glance up. He knew Pedobear had run exactly into the trap and had surely spotted Chris Hansen. A second scream confirmed his thoughts.

Near said, "What a poorly-drawn bear! He is obviously the work of an inferior artist."

Halle made a noise through her gag.

Near said, "It seems a waste to untie all of you now. We could all have some completely adult bondage fun. Are you sure you want to be untied?"

All of them made affirmative noises, so Near managed to get to his feet and walked over there to untie them.

A/N (Author's Note):

This was written as a fill for a prompt at the Death Note Kink Meme 2 (it is on livejournal at dn_kink2).