Rejoice, rejoice my friends and readers, for SJ is out of hospital. Still working hard on her health, but free and in the arms of her love.

SJ, I fucking love you girl, but keep getting better or I'll have to send KFF round…

This chapter goes out to all of us who have ever had a brush with the darkness.

With Hyperlove

I don't own Skins, but I'm sure it doesn't mind…

24. Staring Into Space

Katie

My heart was pounding as I sped away from Effy's in my car. Cocking hell, the universe could be a fucking dicksplash sometimes. My mind was racing and if I hadn't been gripping the steering wheel so tight, I knew my hands would have been shaking too. I was powering along the road back into Bristol, feeling like I had taken a whole bag of dodgy speed, and my emotions were an ugly mess. Effy had asked me to move in with her. Fuck. That was massive. I'm not sure how well that was going to work out with Freddie still being there, but fuck me did I want it to happen. God, all those beautiful things she said as she sketched out a life together had made me quiver with love for her. Cause I wanted all of those things too. There was a reason I hadn't left the barn in three days, and it was all because of the way I felt about her. It might have been ironic that such a tender moment had come on the heels of bouts of explosive sex, but that was the way it was with her. Grand passion blended seamlessly with charming intimacy, and the instant the idea had come spilling out unfiltered from her brain, I knew that I could make a life with her.

But for one fucking little problem. She still didn't know who I really was. One of the things I love so much about her was that when she gave into her emotions they were raw and beautiful and completely honest. I had learned that that smugly mysterious exterior she had presented to me in Paris was just that. An exterior, a shell. The real Effy was far from the emotionless smartass some people still believed her to be. She had let me in the first time we had kissed, and her disregard for the things that were expected of us meant that she had expressed herself freely whatever she had been experiencing. I knew the woman I loved, both good and bad. Our struggle to understand the depth of our attraction had been undertaken together, and I knew that I could trust her completely. I had been overwhelmed by her invitation, but I knew I could never accept it until I had fully revealed myself to her.

Thing is, I really was going to fucking tell her that time. I wanted to be with her so much, that my courage had finally risen up to meet me and I was prepared to take the risk on the chance of gaining the ultimate reward. There have been many occasions where I have wanted to strangle Freddie, but none were more potent than this last one. The fucker can really choose his moments. As soon as he had announced the competition, I lost my fucking chance. Effy was so excited there was no way I could have dragged her back down into seriousness, and once again I found myself postponing one of the most important decisions of my life. I would help her celebrate, and then maybe, once things had calmed down a bit I could use her good mood to my advantage.

But the world is never content to hand you just one shovelful of shit, is it? It has to keep piling it on until you're up to your ears in crap. The biggest surprise of all was not that Effy's young company had managed to get themselves onto the shortlist, but that my fucking Dad had. How the hell had that happened? He had been trying for ten years to get a place in that show without success, so why now? Why fucking now?

I found myself driving on automatic back to our office. I had to know what the sodding hell was going on. Despite still being technically in Rob's employ, I had been spending less and less time there, and I knew he had only tolerated this absence because of my ridiculous spying mission. As soon as he worked out he was going to be in direct competition with Le Coeur, he was going to want me to make good on the time I'd been spending with them. It was totally fucked. I had been taking my Dad's money basically to go on my jollies with my girlfriend and I was going to have to admit that, as there was no way on this earth I was going to tell him shit about Effy's company. Maybe I should just fuck off to London and go see Emily. She and Naomi were the only people who knew both sides of the story, and didn't judge me for it.

But all this crap had to end some time, and may be that time was now. I passed the sign for the motorway, but somehow managed to suppress the desire just to run away from it all into the comforting embrace of my sister, and kept on my present course. You'd think things couldn't get any worse, but when I burst unceremoniously into the office, there was a strange pair of eyes staring up at me from my desk.

"Who are you?" asked a curly haired boy, frowning slightly in consternation.

"I'm Katie Fucking Fitch, who the fuck are you?" I spat angrily.

Jesus, I'm gone three fucking days and they've moved a geek into my office?

"Jones. Jonah. Jones," he blinked back at me. "Jonah Jeramiah Jones. JJ."

"Jesus fucking Christ, which fucking name do you want me to call you?"

I hadn't been wrong about the geek part. "And what the fuck are you doing in my office?"

"This is your office?" he said apologetically. "Your father told me to come and work in here when he gave me the job."

"Job? What job?" I frowned.

Fuck, had I been given the sack?

"Designing, mainly," replied the many J-named boy.

Shit. I had been nagging Rob to bite the bullet and take on a designer in order to make our displays more innovative, and it seemed he had finally taken my advice.

"Are you any good?" I asked.

"I have written my own software which allows for very complex firing sequences, and I have an excellent knowledge of the most up to date material. I have even begun experimenting with creating my own fireworks, though that didn't go down to well with my last employer, especially after the shed incident."

"What happened in the shed?" I said curiously.

"Some of my experiments have been less successful than others," concluded JJ.

"What happened in the shed?" I insisted.

"It exploded," confessed the boy, a tinge of red beginning to creep up his cheeks."

Well that was fucking great. Dad had taken on some mad professor type who was going to blow us all up in our boots.

The door opened and Jenna came walking into the room.

"Oh there you are, Katie love," she said, smiling her alien smile. "We thought you'd gotten lost for a minute there. I see you've met JJ. He's our new little clever genius, aren't you sweetheart?"

"Well, I am considered to be in the top three percent in the country for mathematical ability, so I suppose that might be considered to be genius," he replied, without any swagger. He was simply regurgitating fact.

"Where's Dad?" I asked.

I couldn't take much more of this.

"Your father's on a site visit, love," replied Mum. "But he'll be back this evening. Why don't you come over for dinner and we'll all have a lovely catch up? We've got some great news."

Just what I needed, another bloody Fitch Family dinner, and with no Emily there to provide a protective buffer. But fuck it, I had to stand up to them sometime, and it was probably better to do it at home than in the workplace.

"Sure," I said with the illusion of enthusiasm. "Sounds great."

"Lovely. Well then I'll leave you young people to get acquainted," she said in a sickly voice, giving me a stupidly unsubtle wink as she left the room. Fucking what? Seriously? She wasn't seriously expecting me to get it on with exploding shed boy? I've dated a fucking supermodel for Christ's sake. When I turned back, he was gurning enthusiastically at me.

"Get off my fucking desk, I growled.

It was going to be a long afternoon.

.

.

.

I went back to my neglected flat before dinner. I hadn't been lying when I had told Effy of my underwear crisis. Also I wanted to dress up. To dress in something fabulous that made me feel powerful. Something that made me feel like the old Katie. The Head Bitch in Charge that had totally bossed the world of fashion instead of the Katie who skulked about in some kind of fucking twilight zone between her girlfriend and her parents and lacked the balls to tell the truth to either of them. Jesus, when had I become this pathetic?

The first person I encountered at Fitch Towers was James, who ambushed me into a proper full on Fitch hug.

"Good to see ya, Katie," he beamed. "Did ya hear we got into the competition?"

"Yeah, it's well good, right?" I replied, attempting to share in the family joy.

"Yeah, Dad's well chuffed," he replied. "He's hired some super new science geek designer so we can totally boss it."

"Yeah, we met. He's kind of odd though."

"Apparently he's some kind of genius."

"He's gonna have to be if we're gonna stand any chance of winning that competition."

"Yeah," shrugged James affably. "But it's the taking part that counts, right?"

"Keep telling yourself that, worm," I laughed, referring to mine and Emily's nickname for him from back in the day when he was a nauseating little sex pest.

"Maybe I'll finally get to meet that fit French bird you've been hiding from me," he grinned lasciviously.

Nothing changes. These days he's just a nauseating big sex pest.

"She would eat you for fucking breakfast, James Fitch," I said derisively.

"A boy can dream," he sighed.

Giving up, I punched him in the arm and made my way through to the living room. The first thing I noticed was my Dad. It was a shock as I clocked the genuine smile on his face and I realised I hadn't seen him this happy and excited for quite some time. I had a sudden flashback to him carrying me round site on his shoulders when I was a kid, and remembered him as the big goofy happy go lucky chap he had used to be. Jenna had always managed to put a brave face on things, but I suddenly realised how much of a strain running a business in these harsh economic times could be. And I suddenly knew that despite their frequent appearance, my parents alien smiles were just a mask. My heart was torn in two again as I understood just how much this stupid competition meant to him, finally getting industry recognition after all his years of graft. I knew that Effy would beat him, and in spite of my love for her, that hurt me more than I expected.

"Katie love," he beamed at me, opening his arms for my second Fitch hug of the day.

I went willingly. As much as he annoyed the fuck out of me sometimes, I loved the grumpy old bastard.

"Well done, Dad," I said.

"Too right, Katiekins, too right," he replied. "Now we're going to put this family on the map. We're not fantastic, what are we…? We're…"

"Fitchtastic," chorused James and I rolling our eyes at each other.

"Now isn't that nice," cooed Mum, entering the room. "I love it when all the family gets together. It's a pity Emily isn't hear to help us celebtrate."

"Yeah well you know she's off in New York," replied James. "Actually putting this family on the map," he muttered to me under his breath."

If Jenna heard, she wilfully ignored him.

"Anyway, dinner's ready. So why don't we all go through?" she gestured and ushered us all through to the dining room.

"What the fuck?" I said, when I discovered exploding shed boy sitting at the six-seater table. "What are you doing here?"

"I was discussing with your mother the merits of a vegetable-based diet as an addition to a healthy lifestyle," he said, in the weird even tone of his.

"Jesus, do you have to answer everything so literally?" I huffed at him.

I had been hoping for some quiet family time to gently bring up the subject of my relationship. I hadn't been banking on an audience. No such luck as Jenna breezed in behind me.

"Why don't you sit there next to JJ," she urged, in a way that would brook no argument. "Give yourselves the chance to get to know one another."

"Why would we want to get to know one another?" I scowled, whilst JJ just stared at his cutlery, a harsh shade of red creeping up is face.

"Play nice now, Katie," scolded Dad. "We're all going to be working together."

"Maybe more, who knows?" smarmed Jenna unsubtly.

She was. She was seriously trying to set me up with this geek. So what if he was supposed to be some kind of genius? I already had a genius of my own. And she was well fit. My mind drifted off to the happy place and I daydreamed about being wrapped up in a tangle of Effy for the last three days, and her invitation to be an even bigger part of her life. It was what I wanted. I just wanted to be with her. All this other nonsense was going to have to end. The sound of JJ saying the words 'Le Coeur Explosif' brought my attention crashing back into the room.

"What?" I said rather too forcefully.

"I was just asking JJ about our chances in the competition," repeated James. "Where were you?"

"Thinking about the same thing," I lied.

"Well, as I was explaining," continued JJ. "My new software gives us an advantage over a lot of the competition, and I have been doing some mathematical calculations as to the optimum distribution of material to create a consistent spectacle, but there is one company in the mix that appears to transcend my analysis. Le Coeur Explosif don't seem to follow any of the expected patterns, and yet their displays seem to inspire unprecedented levels of stimulation within their audience. I can't quite work out what I'm missing."

"Ah, but that's where we have our secret weapon," smiled Dad.

"Secret weapon?" frowned JJ.

"Our Katie's been making friends incognito," laughed Dad. "She's the fifth columnist, the cuckoo in the nest. A regular little Mata Hari."

"You've been spying on them?" said JJ, his eyes widening like saucers.

"It's industrial espionage," said Rob, his chest puffing out like he was some sort of mega-tycoon, eroding my sympathy for him.

"So what's their secret?" asked a fascinated JJ. "Special software, calculated tube placement, calibre configuration? What are their mapping structures?"

For the first time in the evening I smiled. Watching his scientific mind attempting to understand Effy was actually quite endearing.

"It's art, JJ," I explained. "She sees it all in her head."

"In her head? But… wow, that's…. that's wow…." he ground to a halt, finally rendered speechless by the concept.

"And empathy," I continued. "Just like a great artist or musician, Effy has a profound understanding of the human condition, and that's what makes her work more than mere spectacle. She can trigger our emotions."

"Oh well, that would explain things," nodded JJ. "Whilst my scientific and mathematical understanding may be considerably higher than the national average, living with Asperger's means that I score very poorly when it comes to social empathy. It would appear that this Effy has a serious advantage in that department."

"Oh," I said, feeling like a bit of a tool. No matter how odd JJ might seem to me, all of us probably seemed twice as weird to him.

"That's where Katie comes in," smiled Dad conspiratorially. "She's going to steal all of their little secrets and give us back the advantage."

Come on Katie, grow some fucking balls.

"Er, no she's not," I said quietly.

"I'm sorry," said Jenna, even though I know she'd heard me perfectly clearly.

"This spying nonsense," I replied more forcefully. "I'm not going to do it any more."

"Why not?" demanded Rob.

He and Jenna were frowning intently in my direction as if I had just betrayed them, whereas James was eyeing me with a curious half-smirk and JJ had gone back to inspecting his cutlery. The disappointment in my parents' eyes was enough to make me falter, but I had to stick to my guns. If I was ever going to be with Effy truthfully I had to start here. I had to do it for her.

"Um, because it's wrong?" I said defiantly.

"It's business," countered Dad.

"It's not business, Dad. It's cheating," I asserted. "And I don't want any part of it."

"But we need you, Katie," said Dad.

"You don't want to let the family down now, do you?" added Mum.

"No, I don't," I insisted. "But I'm not going to help this family lose their integrity either."

"It doesn't seem entirely ethical," put in JJ.

I would have to remember to apologise for being such a bitch to him later.

"But what have you been doing all this time?" asked my mother.

"I've been stringing you along," I admitted. "I've become friends with them, and I haven't really given you any information you couldn't find if you knew how use Google."

"So that's it then," she persisted angrily. "You're happy to let that girl and her cronies take away our family livelihood? Are we suddenly not important to you any more?"

"It's not like that," I insisted. "Of course you're important to me."

"Then why won't you help us?" said Dad.

"I just can't, ok?" I said in frustration. "I can't do that to her. I can't do that to Effy."

"Why ever not?" persisted Mum. "What the blazes is so special about this Effy? And why does this bitch matter more to you than your family."

I slammed my hands down on the table, and pushed my chair back as I stood. Jenna had such a knack of pushing us to our limits it was almost a gift. If Emily had been here she would have helped to diffuse the situation, but hearing Mum call Effy a bitch, pushed me right over the edge.

"Because I'm in love with her," I yelled. "Effy is my girlfriend. And she's wonderful, and beautiful and talented and one of the most amazing people I've ever met. And I'm not going to fuck her over, because she doesn't deserve it. She gets work because she's bloody good at what she does and I won't do anything to hurt her. I won't."

"I knew it," said James, dancing about in delight. "I knew you were shagging her. The way your eyes lit up when you talked about her art, I haven't heard you talk about anyone like that since Anna. You've gone all Stockholm syndrome on our ass. Is she as fit as Anna? Cause Anna was seriously sexy."

I ignored my little brother's enthusiasm and focussed instead on the resounding silence emanating from my parents as they took in the news.

"But she's French," said Jenna eventually.

"What?" I said incredulously. "What the fuck has that got to do with anything?"

"You can't trust them," she replied.

"Jesus, Mum. Xenophobic much? I'm the one who's been lying to her, not the other way round. I love her, Mum, like really love her. She wants us to live together, and I can't live this fucking lie any more."

"Katie, you know me and your father are very supportive of your sister's sexuality, and of you too if you want to head that way again," said Jenna. "But there's plenty of girls out there. I don't understand why you can't find yourself a nice girl like Emily's Naomi."

"Falling in love is not a choice, Mum," I said. "You don't choose love. It chooses you."

"Well then you should encourage it to choose a little more wisely," she scoffed. "I never liked that Russian girl, and look what happened with her…."

"Yeah well, I may have driven her to it," I confessed. "Effy makes me happy, Mum. Don't you want that for me?"

"Of course I do, but couldn't you be happy with somebody else?"

"I'm a Fitch," I said, holding up my hands and staring back at both of them. "I was born and raised a pyrochick, and whatever else I've done in my life I can't escape that. It's in my blood. And I found a beautiful girl who lives and breathes explosions and turns them into something profound and emotional. Of course I was going to fall in love with her. I didn't fall in love with her in spite of you. I fell in love with her because of you."

"But what about the competition?" asked Rob.

"Dad, could you really live with yourself knowing that you'd won by unfair means?" I asked. "If you want to be the best, then do your best, and maybe Wonderboy here will help you win it. But win it for real. Win it with his science and your experience, and if that's not enough then so be it. At least you made the cut."

I stared Dad out, two proud Fitches locking horns. I know we had both been swimming in some morally grey waters of late, but he was my Dad and he had made me, and I knew that at heart he was a good man. In the end it was James who broke the silence.

"So when do I get to meet her?" he boomed enthusiastically.

"Not yet," I replied, with a little bit too much zeal.

"Oh my God," he said. "She doesn't know you're a Fitch! That's going to be a fun conversation."

I wanted to smack him round the head like I did when we were younger, but in my heart I knew he was right. That conversation was going to suck, but it was something that needed doing. I stormed out of the house determined to jump in that car and drive straight back to the barn, but as soon as my key was in the ignition another tidal wave of apprehension crashed over me. Annoyed as they were my parents would forgive me. They were my parents and they kind of had to. We had had our fair share of shouting matches over the years but at the end of the day we would always be bound by an unbreakable love. But what if Effy didn't forgive me? There was nothing to tie her to me. She could just leave. She could go back to France. Shit, she could go back to fucking Freddie. She could go back to fucking anyone fit who took an interest. Effy had a hundred different ways in which she could leave me, and the thought of that fucking terrified me. In the end I went back to my flat, hid my head under the duvet, and didn't come out for the next day and a half.

For all it was a cowardly move, it gave me time to think. What was my overriding motivation in all this? When I thought about it clearly it was simple. Effy made me happy. I wanted to be with her. The way my heart had fluttered when she asked me to move in with her was evidence enough of that. My parents would forgive me, they had to. They were kind of genetically programmed to love me. If they could meet Eff and see how happy she made me, they would eventually have to come around. But Effy's love was optional. She was under no obligation to stay with me at all. I had to admit to myself that I was terrified of that, and it was that fear that had been constricting my actions. But I couldn't conceal my identity forever, and if the feeling between us was as real as it appeared to be, surely we could find some way to get through this. The questions swirled around in my head, but increasingly they began to point to only one answer. I had to tell her, and I had to tell her now.

Ok, well 'now' being after the two hours it took me to get ready. After a long hot shower I changed outfits several times, before deciding on a figure hugging silver dress that was given to me by no less than Alessandro himself, before I disgraced myself by lamping Tamara in the face at his runway show. It was probably a little over the top for a Thursday night in Bristol, but I wanted to look as hot as fuck, in order to help Effy decide that even though I was a lying bitch, she couldn't live without me, and that even if we argued like harpies, there would be some hot and angry make up sex to make her forget about my betrayal. I planned my make up so that it would complement the outfit perfectly, and once I was finally satisfied with my war paint I looked back into the mirror with a smile on my face. I might finally be going to do the right thing, but there was no harm going into battle with every weapon I had available to me. I took one shot of vodka, little enough so I could still drive, but enough to give me some fire in my belly. So this was it. No more excuses. Time to introduce Effy to Katie Fucking Fitch.

When I got to the barn it was Thomas who opened the door to me.

"Oh Katie," he said warmly, gesturing for me to come in. "It is very good that you are here."

His warmth wasn't replicated by Freddie, who came thundering down the stairs as soon as he heard my voice.

"Oh, so you've decided to show up, have you?" he spat. "She doesn't fucking need this, you know."

"Get over it, Freds," shouted Cook from the top of the stairs. "What she needs is her fucking girlfriend. And none of us need your shite."

"What the fuck is going on?" I said nervously, as I clocked the sombre demeanours on the faces of all the boys.

"Come up," said Cook, indicating that he didn't want to shout.

Freddie turned on his heels and slammed his way out of the front door.

"It's ok," encouraged Thomas, squeezing my arm. "It can just be a little bit of a shock if you haven't seen it before."

"What can?" I urged, but Cook was impatient.

"Come on, Katie babes," he said.

I was up those stairs frighteningly quickly for a woman in five inch heels. I caught Cook checking out my outfit and rolled my eyes at him.

"You're looking mint, babes," he said, unaffected by my censure. "Hopefully that will help."

"Are you going to tell me what the fuck is going on any time soon?" I shouted.

"It's Effy," he said quietly.

"Where is she?" I demanded.

"In the living room," he replied.

I went to push past him, but he grabbed me by the arm and stopped me. It was only the look of genuine concern etched into his face, that stopped me from smacking him one.

"Easy tiger," he said, forcing me to take a deep breath and remember that Cook was my friend and my ally.

"Effy's not well, darlin'," he said. "And it's been a long time since she's been this bad. She's not really fallen this hard since you showed up. I was beginning to think she'd made a real step forward."

"What's happened, Cook?"

"She's gets almost catatonic. She won't speak to you or hardly even acknowledge you. Back in the day we used to think it was because she was off her head. Now we know that she got off her head because of this.

"Is she on anything now?" I asked.

"Nah, luckily me and the boys had a bit of a blowout after the show when you and Effy we trying to demolish the hotel, so we used up all our stash and she hasn't had the energy to go and get anything more," he replied. "But she does have a bottle of vodka superglued to her hand, and God protect the person who tries to take it away from her."

"Is there anything I should or shouldn't do?"

"Just be Katie," he sighed. "It seems to be the best fucking medicine."

When I entered the room I could see Effy sitting motionless on one of the sofas. In front of her lay a pile of torn up paper from what looked like one of my fashion magazines. She was staring beyond it though, looking dead-eyed at a random patch on the carpet, the bottle of vodka cradled up into her chest as if it was her child.

"You gonna share some of that, bitch?" I asked her.

I'll admit it was a crude approach, but I didn't really know a different way. Aggressive love had been my go to method of treatment for years with Emily, when she was have one of her artistic traumas. I knew that this was more more serious than that, but Cook had told me to be myself. Effy didn't look up, but a tiny change in her body stance assured me she had heard me.

"Well?" I challenged her.

"I was going to drink it all myself," she murmured almost inaudibly.

"Well think again, loser," I said, plonking myself down beside her as if everything was ordinary.

She raised her head to look at me, and it was everything I could do not to just cry. There was a dreadful coldness in her eyes. No trace of the steely blue energy that had so entranced me when we first met. No trace of any emotion. None of the love that normally filled her gaze when she saw me. But no anger either. Just nothing. It was like looking out into the empty depths of space with no stars to light my way. I, on the other hand was a raging sun of emotion. Fear, guilt, love and a pain so huge it felt like I was burning in my own fire. The weak side of me wanted to run as far as I could away from the terrifying sight in front of me, but I had to force myself to be strong and to hold that unspeakable gaze. Somewhere there was a tiny flicker of life, and Effy looked down at the bottle, before holding it out to me.

"Cheers, babes," I said, opening it and taking a hefty swig, but before I could replace the top Effy had snatched it from my grip and started gulping down great mouthfuls as if she was chugging a beer. I lost my self-control.

"Jesus, Effy. Stop!" I said, tugging at her hands.

"Why?" she said, when I had finally prised to bottle from her hands.

"You'll hurt yourself," I replied earnestly.

"So," she shrugged.

This was no attention-seeking tantrum. She really didn't care what happened to her. Her deep space eyes were back and this time I didn't have the strength to face them. I broke away from her gaze and looked down at the torn up paper beside us. All of them were images of Anna, torn out of my magazines and creatively and somewhat crudely defaced. It was somewhat of a shock to see my former lover subjected to this treatment, not least to be exposed so graphically to the inner workings of Effy's brain. My eyes were stinging from trying to hold back my tears, and my faux blasé attitude crumbled around me.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I shouldn't have run off like that. I didn't mean to hurt you. I never want to hurt you."

There was a silence that held me in its stranglehold, but still I couldn't find the will to face her emptiness again.

But then I felt a touch. It was the lightest of touches. So delicate I could barely register it, but I felt her fingers brush against the back of my hand.

"It isn't you," she whispered.

"But," I said, raising my head once more.

"This has been happening to me for as long as I can remember," she interrupted me. "Since long before I ever fell into those beautiful brown eyes. I'm not like this cause of you. I'm like this cause I'm sick. I've got nothing to be depressed about and yet here I am."

"What about…?" I cast my eyes downwards to the mutilated pictures of Anna.

"Distraction," said Effy, with the tiniest ghost of a smile. "I'm not really doing voodoo on your ex."

"So what's it like?" I asked her.

"It fucking hurts," she said, but even the emergence of pain in her eyes was an improvement of that awful void. "It hurts so much I'll do almost anything to numb it."

"Then let me numb it for you," I said, taking her face in my hands.

"Can you?" she said softly.

"I can try," I said.

I gave into instinct. Seeing the woman I loved in such pain, I did the only thing I could think of. I kissed her. It was a gentle kiss, but Effy responded almost immediately, ungraciously pushing her tongue into my mouth. I was a little taken aback, but I let her, pleased to be getting a reaction however crude. I could feel my body beginning to react, and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it, but it was Effy herself that stopped it.

"No," she said.

"No?" I replied with a question.

"No," she said a little more firmly. "I could fuck you. I want to fuck you. I could blank it all out with sex. It's what I used to do. But it would be empty, and I don't want to do that with you. It feels all wrong. You're worth more than that."

"Then I have another idea," I told her, standing up and holding out my hand. She stood up to join me, reaching for the bottle as she came.

"I think we've had enough of that," I said, easing it from her hands.

I tossed the bottle back down onto the sofa and pulled her into a gentle embrace. She let me hold her, and I felt a wetness run down my neck as she allowed herself to cry.

"You do make it better, you know," she whispered. "I might not be able to stop it happening, but at least I know that it's not my fault. You've helped me to understand that."

I led her to the bathroom and ran us a bath, finding some scented bubbles I had bought her as a present from Lush. As the steam from the hot water filled the room, I slowly helped her to undress, slipping out of my fabulous outfit so that she wouldn't feel so vulnerable and alone.

"You looked lovely tonight," she murmured, once we were both naked.

"I was dressing up for you," I shrugged.

"Sorry I'm so useless," she sighed.

"You're not useless," I assured her. "Never think that. I never do."

I took her hand and led us both into the bath, sitting down behind her so I could wrap her in my arms. I held her in the comforting embrace of the water, occasionally gracing her back with affectionate, non-sexual kisses.

"You won't leave me, will you," she said suddenly.

"God no," I said in alarm. "I'll always be there for you. Just don't give up hope."

I felt her fingers tighten around my hand as she brought it up to her lips.

"Where there's love, there's always hope," she said.

I grabbed the soap and began to wash her, deliberately keeping my movements as gentle as I could. I wanted her to know that this was not about sex, but about a deep and profound love. I wanted her to feel how much I cared about her, that she didn't always have to be cool or fucking sexy, that whatever evil tricks her mind decided to play on her, I was always going to be there to help her through it. I wanted her to feel loved, so she could find her way to hope. I washed the whole of her body, and then moved onto her hair, cupping water in my hands to pour on her. She remained passive, too tired from fighting the pain to do anything else, but she let her body move against mine. She let me massage her head and I could feel some of the tension begin to leave her body. We stopped talking, and just existed in the now, and I felt thankful that she was letting me in, allowing herself to react. In however small a way, she was letting me bring her back from the darkness. Next time she spoke, she took me completely by surprise.

"Why don't you want to live with me?" she asked.

"But I do, Effs," I countered in shock. "I want it more than anything."

"Then why did you run?"

Fuck, fuck and treble triple thousand fuck. The heavy weight of my deception clamped down on my shoulders again. I had spent the last day and a half building up my determination to come clean. I felt sure she must have felt my heart pounding into her back. I wanted so badly to rid myself of this burden and confess, but there was no fucking way I was going to do that to her while she was so fragile. I simply couldn't just throw my betrayal in her face.

"The competition, babes," I told her. "I didn't want to piss on Freddie's fire. I know this is a big deal for you all, and I didn't think it was a good idea to wind him up. You need to keep him onside right now. He's mad enough at me as it is."

"Fuck," hissed Effy. "You're right. Fuck, I need to get my brain back together. How the fuck am I going to do that?"

"We just need to be calm," I said. "When we get out of this bath you're going to fall asleep in my arms. I'll take care of you, you'll be safe. And tomorrow you're going to eat something."

The guilty look that Effy flashed me over her shoulder told me that I was correct in my assumption that food had been a stranger to her over the last couple of days.

"We need to get you well," I said. "I'll stay. I'll get you anything you need, and once you're strong enough we'll get the boys together and make a plan. We'll take things step by step until you're ready to make the most beautiful design of your life, and all of us will be there ready to bring it to life."

Effy swivelled round until she was kneeling facing me.

"Do you think I can do this?" she asked me.

"You're Effy Fucking Stonem," I replied. "I think you can do anything you like."

I was true to my word and watched her as she fell asleep in her arms. I stayed awake gently stroking her as she slept. Eventually she turned away from me and curled herself into a foetal position. I slipped out of the bed and stood watching her in the moonlight drifting down through the skylight. I knew I would stay with her as long as she would have me, but the enormity of what we had just been through shook me to me bones and I threw on some of Effy's clothes and sneaked out of the bedroom to give myself a little room to breathe. I found Cook in his workshop, sitting on top of one of his sculptures smoking a spliff. I climbed gingerly up to join him.

"Gimme some of that," I said.

"Knock yourself out," he said, passing me the joint.

We smoked silently for several minutes, and I felt the drug easing its way into my harassed muscles.

"How is she?" asked Cook.

"Better," I said. "Well not better but you know… better."

"Good," he said. "You know I really did like you, Katie. You could have made an honest man out of me."

"Really?" I said sceptically.

"For real," he grinned. "But I'm happy. I'm happy to give that up to give her a chance at happiness."

"Who'd have thought it," I said. "You really are a gentleman underneath it all."

"Don't let on," he smirked. "You could ruin my reputation."

"You really do love her, don't you?" I said.

"Don't we all?" he replied.

He slipped his arm around me, and I nuzzled willingly into his side. It felt good to let myself be comforted by his strength.

"Just don't forget that I'm here for you too," he told me.

At first it was just one tear. I felt it roll down my cheek until I could taste it on my lips. But soon it was followed by more, and then more again until it became an uncontrollable flood. I wasn't even really sad, but the release of emotion was a blessed relief, and I let go of it all, sobbing silently into Cook's shoulder and soaking his shirt. I promised myself that some day soon I would make everything right. That I would be brave, and strong and honest. I would admit my wrongs and take the flak that was due to me. I would be the warrior that Katie Fitch once was again. But just for now it was ok to be a scared little girl, getting by with a little help from my friends.