So today we've being doing shows in a kids' hospital, and those children are the very essence of the words 'be brave'. To be able to put such smiles on the faces of those kids is a profound and humbling experience. So any mistakes in this can be justified by one of the longest but, also one of the best days of my life.
I don't own Skins, but I could tell it tales of love that crosses continents, and in a few days time, I will be doing just that…
Spread the love people, spread the motherfucking love….
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27. Love Is A Battlefield
Effy
I was smiling away to myself as the post-show smell of cordite drifted around the site. God, I fucking love that smell. The show had been mint, everything firing off sweetly exactly as planned. Everything I had envisioned had become manifest, and it was good. But I could tell from the look on the face of Ted, one of the competition organisers, that he was not happy about it.
"That was a truly stunning show," he said, shaking his head. "But what was all that nonsense at the end.
"It wasn't nonsense to me, Ted," I smiled.
The competition was the last thing I was worried about right now. What mattered was what was going on inside the head of one Katherine Fitch. It wasn't until I had walked onto site that morning that I knew what I had to do. The revelation came to me as a gift, and it made everything simple. For once, I had been grateful for Cook's obsession with throwing everything onto the truck 'just in case'. It meant that I'd had the means to make the fire sculpture that could change the course of my life. He had been happy to help me when I told him of my plan, and Thomas, although surprised, had willingly mucked in too. Of course there remained one of the boys who hadn't been quite so thrilled.
"What the fuck are you doing?" he'd said, when he'd discovered us up to our elbows in paraffin.
"Making a fire sculpture," I replied, stating the obvious.
"We haven't got time for mucking about, Effy," he frowned at me.
"Oh I'm not mucking about," I said. "I'm deathly fucking serious."
"What's it say anyway?" he asked, inclining his head to try to read the letters.
"It's a message of hope," I smiled.
"Thomas?" said Freddie, shaking his head at me. "A little less cryptic translation please."
Thomas shot me a look, seeking my permission before revealing my plan. I nodded in assent. Soon half of Plymouth was going to know about it, and if I was going to go through with this there would be no turning back.
"It's a proposal of marriage," answered Thomas. "Effy is going to ask Katie to marry her."
Freddie went ballistic.
"No!" he exploded. "You are not going to put that monstrosity in our show. You are not going to fuck up our chances in this competition because of her. I forbid it."
I gave him a few seconds to breathe and then impaled him with an icy Stonem death glare.
"You forbid it?" I said quietly.
"Oh shit," said a worried looking Cook.
"And just how exactly are you planning on enforcing that?" I asked Freddie. "I'm not doing behaviour modification any more."
"Effy, if you defy me on this, if you put that sculpture in our show," he frowned. "I am walking off this site and I am not coming back."
"Fine," I said emotionlessly.
"Good," said Freddie. "I'm glad you've decided to see…"
I had calmly returned to my work on the sculpture.
"What the fuck, Effy," exclaimed Freddie. "I mean it."
I ran my fingers down the paper rope that spelled out the letter K, thinking about what I was about to do.
"So do I," I said.
"Are you just going to stand by and let her do this to us?" he said in exasperation to Cook and Thomas.
"You can't control matters of the heart," shrugged Thomas. "It is madness to try."
"As Effy goes, so goes my nation," answered Cook.
"You can't marry her," said Freddie. "It should have been me. It was supposed to be me. All I wanted was to make you happy."
"But you didn't, did you hun?" I said sadly. "And now I am happy, and you can't stand it."
"Fuck you, Effy," he cried, and turned around and stormed off site.
"He'll be back," said Cook optimistically.
I wasn't so sure.
So he was gone, but it hardly mattered. Il semblait qu'il y avait toujours un gars qui attendait son tour pour que je le déçoive.
"Why the long face, Ted?" I asked him.
"Effy, you're so incredibly talented," he sighed. "I don't understand why you would want to go and ruin it all."
"It was 'un crime passionel'," I shrugged. "In France it would be forgiven."
"Yes, well we're not in France now, young lady," fussed Ted. "And you broke the rules. You used the competition to further a personal agenda."
"Sometimes the rules are meant to be broken," I said.
I could tell Ted was getting cranky.
"You know we're going to have to mark you down for it," he said. "Possibly even disqualify you, these kind of things have consequences."
"I'm prepared to take responsibility for my actions," I said.
"Good, because you cannot use our competition to insult a member of another participating company."
I burst out into a full on joyous laugh, and when I looked back at Ted, he was clearly confused. Ah ces Anglais et leur incapacité délibérée à apprendre les langues étrangères.
"I didn't insult her, Ted," I smiled. "I asked her to marry me."
I watched as Ted's little face dropped from confusion to shock. Clearly there was nothing in his life that had prepared him for this eventuality.
"M…mm… marry you?" he stuttered.
But suddenly Ted became irrelevant as I heard her voice calling out to me as she ran across the site. My stomach lurched and I suddenly realised I was nervous as fuck, but luckily I didn't have much time for an inner debate. I nearly went flying as Katie launched herself at me, jumping up and wrapping her legs around my waist.
"Yes,' she said breathlessly before gifting me a gloriously reckless snog.
"Yes," she repeated, before kissing me again.
"Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes," each enthusiastic affirmation punctuated with an equally enthusiastic kiss. Finally she slid to the ground and held me tightly, muttering something that sounded like 'I fucking love you' into my chest. I looked over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow at Ted. I didn't need words. He understood perfectly. Ça valait parfois la peine d'enfreindre toutes les règles.
"I'll see you at the ceremony, Effy," he said. "And I'll try and put a word in."
"Oh hi Ted," said Katie, as if noticing him for the first time.
"I remember this one from when she were knee high to a grasshopper," Ted smiled at me. "And now here she is, all grown up and getting married. Thought this type of thing was more young Emily's style, but congratulations ladies."
"Yeah well, she's a very special lady," beamed Katie. "And now she's mine."
Ted left and Katie pulled me into yet another breathtaking kiss. When she pulled away I just stared at her goofily for while. I was stuck for both words and actions. She had said yes, and suddenly it was very real. Katie held my hands and looked at me like she couldn't quite believe it either.
"Did you mean it?" she said.
"I think that was a pretty grandiose gesture if I didn't mean it," I laughed.
"I know," replied Katie. "I just didn't think you were the marrying kind."
"Well I'm not really," I shrugged. "I've never even thought about it before, but it just seemed to make sense. It seems to me that all your problems stem from a conflict between me and your family. So I thought if I became your family, I could make those problems go away."
Katie squeezed me tightly.
"Oh babes, that's such a lovely thought," she said, with a sudden serious look in her eye. "But you don't have to do this just for me, you know. God knows I don't deserve it after the way I've treated you. So, if you want to call it off, I'll understand. It's enough that you thought of me like that."
"I've been thinking about it all day," I replied. "And the more I thought about it, the more attractive it became. I want this, Katie. Not just for you, but for both of us. And I know we haven't been seeing each other that long, but from the moment you first kissed me I never really wanted anyone else."
"Well you sure as hell have got me now, Effy Stonem," she said with a glorious smile. "And you should have heard the crowd during your show. We have got this competition in the bag."
I decided not to trouble her with Ted's warnings, and kissed her instead, wallowing in the notion of being able to kiss her like this for the rest of my life.
"Things are looking good, Thommo boy," I heard Cook's voice from behind me. "I take it this touching scene means that we have a yes."
"We have a yes," said Katie exuberantly.
"Fucking mint," said Cook, coming over and planting sloppy kisses on both our lips.
"Congratulations," added Thomas. "I am so very happy for you."
"Thanks boys," said Katie, before a sudden frown crowded her brow and she began to look around her nervously.
"Where's….?" she said tentatively.
"He's gone," I replied.
"Gone where?"
"Just gone," I said. "He gave me an ultimatum, and that doesn't sit well with me. I called his bluff."
"I'm so sorry," said Katie. "I never meant to…."
"L'amour est un champ de bataille," I shrugged. "Il faut bien que quelqu'un perde."
"Et les vainqueurs doivent continuer la lutte." said Thomas.
"He'll be back," asserted Cook again. "He loves us too much."
I didn't share Cook's confidence. The fact that Freddie did indeed love me too much was what would stop him from coming back. Watching me with randoms was hard enough for him. Watching me give the very thing he wanted to someone else would be impossible. But it was too late now. Just one look at Katie's beautiful happy face was enough to confirm it. I was going to marry this girl.
The 'ceremony' such as it was, was held in a hotel overlooking the seafront. All the participating companies plus their entourages gathered to hear the verdict of the judges. There were a lot of competition people there, others from the industry who had come along to have a look, a smattering of bookers and promoters, and a whole bunch of people who I wasn't really sure who they were. Anyway the place was fucking buzzing by the time we made it out of our site clothes and got over there. If I'm honest, I couldn't have given a fuck about the results, just as long as I could keep looking at Katie with such unbridled joy written across her face. I had done that, and that made me prouder than anything.
When we walked into the room we were only seconds away from our first face to face confrontation with the Fitches, but I wasn't afraid. I knew that at the end of the day we both only wanted the same thing. We wanted Katie to be happy.
The first Fitch I encountered took on a comfortably familiar form, so similar to my own precious lover and yet another entity altogether. She looked me over with a practiced appreciation for the female form, and her eyes glinted with approval. Immediately afterwards, those same eyes flickered over to meet Katie's and I could see the flash of silent communication run between them. I could tell that the sisters meant a great deal to each other, and I wondered how strange it must have been for Katie to conceal so much of herself from me.
"You have got to be Effy," smiled Emily. "Jesus Katie, your taste in men might not be all that, but your taste in women is phenomenal."
"Guess I learnt from the best," said Katie smoothly.
"And is this your crew?" smiled her sister, taking in the boys. "You look like a fucking rock band. No wonder you've got everyone freaking out."
"What's Naomi Diamond like in bed?" interjected Cook enthusiastically.
"Ferme ton claque-merde, ducon!" I scolded him, but Emily Fitch merely raised her eyebrows in the filthiest manner ever to cross a young girl's face.
"Wouldn't you like to know?" she smirked at Cook triumphantly.
I had the feeling it was going to be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
"Where is your limpet anyway?" said Katie sarcastically.
"Charming all the old pyro guys," shrugged Emily. "They're beside themselves at the fact that they've got a 'real' celebrity here. I think they're trying to get her to announce the winners."
"Isn't that a conflict of interests?" said Katie.
"You should know," responded her twin, causing a rash of red to creep up Katie's neck.
I felt my fingers automatically intertwining with hers, and she accepted them with a squeeze.
"Good show, by the way," said Emily, diffusing the moment. "No, it was a great show. It was a fucking great show, and the ending…"
Emily laughed to herself.
"You should have seen Naomi's face when you left, Katie," she said. "Poor thing looked fucking terrified, you know what Jenna's like when she gets a sniff of a wedding. I think she was waiting for Naomi to pop the question there and then."
"Oh God, what did she say?" asked Katie anxiously. "She's not exactly Effy's biggest fan."
"I think she was a little shocked," replied Emily. "But then again we all were. So what's the verdict? Do I get to be a bridesmaid?"
"You do," said Katie, her nervousness evaporating, as she thought about her wedding.
"I'm choosing my own frock," insisted Emily.
"Yeah, good luck with that," said Katie. "You know Mum's gonna be all over it, if she can ever forgive Effy for being French and a better designer than Dad."
"You have my sympathies," grinned Emily. "What's your mum like, Effy? Are we going to have mother of the bride wars?"
I could barely smother my laughter as I thought of Anthea's reaction for the first time, and the fact that her only contribution was likely to be supplying the wine.
"I don't think that's going to be a problem," I smiled.
"Hey, if Katie's getting bridesmaids does that mean you're going to need a best man?" Cook asked me, clearly vying for the job.
"I suppose so," I shrugged.
Katie slid her arms around me and pressed her forehead against mine.
"You really haven't thought this through, have you?" she said with amusement.
"I thought about you," I pouted. "Just not all this other stuff. I guess I thought it would just be you and me and a couple of mates."
"Dream on, girlie," laughed Emily.
It was then that I clocked them. Staring at me from the other side of the room. It could only have been them. The tall muscular handsome man and his equally strikingly powerful wife. The father's gaze was curious and searching, as if he was trying to work me out, but the mother's hovered somewhere between fascination and contempt. I'm not often strung out when people look at me, being mistress of the freakish gaze myself, but these two had me rattled. I had the unnerving sensation that I was going to be put through the mill tonight. Emily's scrutiny had been sharp enough and it would appear that she was on our side. I felt like a Montague in the house of Capulet, and I wasn't entirely sure there wouldn't be bloodshed by the end of the night.
Fortunately the moment was broken by loud music and the arrival of several competition organisers on the stage. They went through a bit of the usual bullshit about their sponsors, and how everyone had been a worthy competitor, and what a great two nights it had been, before getting to the bit that everyone was interested in.
"And now, it is my very great pleasure," beamed an older gentleman. "To invite a very special celebrity guest onstage to announce the results. Ladies and Gentlemen, the very lovely Miss Naomi Diamond."
The room went crazy as the stunning blonde model stepped up.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph and all the saints in heaven above us," exhaled Cook. "She's fucking gorgeous."
"Mine," grinned Emily smugly next to him.
"You girls really are Fitchtastic aren't you?" he guffawed.
"We have a way with the ladies," said Emily casually.
"Ok, everyone, I have the envelope in my hands," announced Naomi from the stage, and everyone's attention shot forward. "In reverse order the winners are…"
She tore the envelope open and extracted a piece of paper.
"In third place…" she continued, pausing for what I thought was dramatic effect until I saw a confused frown cross her face. Whatever the result was, it was clear that she didn't agree with it. She shook her head and shrugged before going on.
"In third place, Le Coeur Explosif."
"What the fuck?" said Katie loudly as discontented murmurs rippled round most of the audience. "They were the fucking best and you fucking know it…!"
"Easy tiger," I said, placating her, before she started going one on one with the judges. "I knew they were going to mark us down. I broke the rules."
"Who gives a fuck about that?" demanded Katie. "It was beautiful. This is a fucking travesty."
When Katie gets going there's usually only one way to shut her up, so I used my tried and tested method, and kissed her.
"Um, I've got this prize thingy here," said Naomi, waving around a tacky plastic trophy. "Is someone going to come and collect it?"
"It's cool," I assured Katie, before turning away from her and heading through the crowd.
I felt the heat of their scrutiny all the way to the stage.
"You should have won, Effy," shouted someone as I climbed the steps, followed by a loud cheer.
"You go girl," yelled someone else, and as I walked across towards a grinning Naomi, I could see the worried looks on the faces of the organisers. Challenges to authority were not something that was welcome here. Well tough luck gentlemen. Welcome to the New World Order.
"Congratulations," said Naomi as she handed me my 'prize', but the cheeky look in her foxy blue eyes told me that she knew it was so much bullshit. She stepped aside and gestured towards the microphone.
Seriously? It is somewhat of an understatement to say that I am unaccustomed to public speaking. I would normally rather pull my own lungs out with a barbecue fork than utter a breath before an audience, but the idea of fucking with the terror that surrounded me onstage was far too much of a temptation. I stepped up to the mic and took a deep breath.
"It would appear that 'j'ai été villaine'" I said.
"We love you bad," yelled a guy from the crowd, causing another wave of cheers, and I could hear Cook's trademark howling rising above the lot of them.
"And some might say I've paid the price for it," I said, raising my trophy up high. "But in the end it doesn't matter. You've all seen what I can do. And, in the only really important result of the night, she said yes, so I've already won first prize. Je t'aime, Katie Fitch."
That was when I discovered the true meaning of 'and the crowd went wild'. It would seem that deep down, everyone's a romantic at heart. I glanced over at my lover as the tumult rained down around our ears. She looked radiant, and I felt grateful to have discovered true love despite all the odds. Il fut un temps où j'aurais juré que je ne partagerai jamais les certitudes des gens 'normaux' vis-à-vis de l'amour; mais maintenant tous mes doutes à ce sujet s'étaient volatilisés. Even if it did all fuck up sometime in the future, I would have known this moment, and that alone was worth it.
"Soppy get," hissed a certain blue-eyed blonde in my ear.
"Takes one to know one," I replied.
The bedlam didn't die down until I had left the stage and returned to my party. Again, I felt the pressure of the elder Fitches' gaze, but this time when I looked Emily was beside them, smiling and winking at me and a boy who must have been her brother was giving me an enthusiastic geeky double thumbs up.
"Well that was eventful," smirked Naomi on the mic. Now back to the business at hand. In second place we have…. Northern Lights."
There was a flutter of regular applause as the guy went up to collect his prize, and Cook grabbed me into a massive bearhug.
"Fucking proud of you, Eff," he told me. "Le Coeur Explosif don't kow tow to nobody."
"You are the best, Effy," added Thomas. "And everybody knows it."
My beautiful boys, loyal to the last, with them and Katie by my side I felt fucking invincible. But when I looked across at my girl she looked like she was close to hyperventilating.
"What's wrong?" I asked her.
"My Dad," she answered breathlessly. "He's still in with a chance of winning it."
"You should go to them," I told her.
"You should come with me," she said.
"No," I said softly. "This is your moment. I'll meet the parents later."
I watched her being absorbed into the collective Fitchhood just as the Northern Lights guy finished his speech. I smiled at the thought of what was to come for them, for I already knew the answer. I am an expert in the art of reading people, Katie's subterfuge being the exception, but I'm putting that down to being dazzled by her light. Other people give themselves away more easily, and I knew that Naomi Diamond had read all three winners on the paper by the time I reached the stage. And although she was attempting to hide it, there was an unmistakable glow of pride about her when I looked into her eyes. She was someone who had bought wholeheartedly into the Fitch family via her firecracker lover, and her share of the collective joy was unmistakable.
"And so the winner is…," she declared, this time most definitely pausing for dramatic effect. "FITCHTASTIC FIREWORKS!"
The boys behind me howled for joy, so comprehensively had they accepted Katie into our tribe. A win for the Fitches was a win for us by default. We could trade on the scandal and our edgy outsiderness, so this was the best result all round. I looked over at them leaping up and down, high fiving and hugging each other all over the place, and I felt touched. Compared with the ragged backgrounds of my little band of brothers, the Fitches were a phenomenon more than a family. And now I was going to join them. It was inspiring, and more than a little terrifying.
The win seemed popular enough, and we all watched as Rob Fitch climbed the stairs to accept his accolade.
"First of all, I'd like to thank my wife, my family and my crew," he said. "Without whom, none of this would have been possible. I'd also like to thank the sponsors and the competition organisers for giving us this opportunity to compete. And to all the other companies for taking part and for making the whole competition into such a colourful spectacle."
You had to hand it to him, Rob Fitch was a diplomat.
"It's an honour to have been chosen as the winners of this competition, but I think we know that this…" he said shaking his winner's trophy towards us. "Doesn't really belong to me."
A stunned silence fell across the room.
"It belongs to someone else," he continued. "And the only reason she's not standing on this stage right now, is because she's a grand romantic, just like me. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my future daughter-in-law, Effy Stonem."
I froze as the room erupted around me. De tous les dénouements que j'avais imaginés pour cette soirée, celui-ci était le plus surprenant.
"Go on," said Cook, shoving me towards the stage.
"The fuck?" I said, resisting his efforts. "I'm not going up there twice."
"The man is offering you an olive branch, Effy," said Thomas. "It would be foolishness not to take it."
Another shove from Cook propelled me with enough inertia to reach the steps. I sought out Katie's eyes as I climbed, and the fire in them was enough for me to conquer my fears, and launch myself towards the big man who was waiting for me. Rob was all smiles as he wrapped me in his arms. It wasn't until I was well within his crushing embrace that he whispered in my ear.
"If you hurt her, I'll hunt you down like a dog," he said.
"I wouldn't dream of it," I replied. "I love her."
"Then welcome to the family," said Rob.
I knew that my chances of being hunted down like a dog were very slim, as there were several people in the past who had hurt Katie, yet they were still walking round living and breathing and perfectly unharmed. But I knew it was the big man's way of expressing his concern and love for his daughter, and to have reached that part of the ritual meant that he had already accepted me. I could feel the organisers having nervous breakdowns all around us as Rob handed me the trophy, and once again the blast wave of approval from the crowd almost blew us away in its ferocity. Next thing I knew I was being pulled into another balloon crushing hug with every ounce as much warmth and vitality as one of Cook's. dozens of flash guns began to go off, and I stood there helplessly as events began to overwhelm me.
An hour later we were still at the hotel, but I had escaped out into the cold night air for a cigarette and some sanity. I was exhausted. For the last sixty minutes I had been caught up in a Fitchstorm. I had been adored by Katie, teased by her sister, manhandled by her father, inspected by her mother and perved on by her brother. Fuck me they were intense. I suspected it was easier to get into the marines than undergo the scrutiny I had just been subjected to. Sure it was all done in the name of love, but it was like being attacked by half a dozen slobbery and overenthusiastic Doberman puppies. If I had known what I was getting myself into, would I still have lit the fuse on that sculpture?
I tried to light up the cigarette of salvation, but my lighter wouldn't spark.
"Putain de merde," I spat.
Looking for a light meant going back in there, and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. Moments later however, a new salvation arrived in the form of a blonde supermodel. She held out the light and I took it from her, sparking up my cigarette with a long grateful drag.
"Are you okay?" She asked me kindly.
"There's just so many of them," I sighed. "And they're all fucking mental."
"Yeah," smiled Naomi. But you kinda grow to love them."
"Yeah? I said hesitantly.
"Yeah," she assured me. "It's a bit overwhelming at first, but you get used to it. I'll steer you round the curves."
We stood and smoked silently for several minutes of blissful calm. I decided I liked Ms Diamond. She had an admirably detached air about her, but she burned with a passion that was equal to mine. If I was to survive the Fitches I was going to need a friend, and here was one who had already braved the storm.
"Nice work by the way," said Naomi eventually. "Katie's hot."
"And I will never, ever tell Emily that you said that," I smirked at her.
"Hhmm, yeah," she said. "Probably for the best if we don't mention that.
She bit at her bottom lip in a completely adorable fashion
'So," she smiled at me. "Ready for round two?"
I pushed myself up off the wall I had been leaning on. L'amour est un champ de bataille.
"Il nous faut de l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace," I said. "Pour la France, et pour l'amour…"
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(And I totally didn't have to download the Pat Benetar track at Shipley station once I'd come up with this chapter…. Nope, that wasn't me…)
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French interpretations
1. Il semblait qu'il y avait toujours un gars qui attendait son tour pour que je le déçoive.
It seemed like there was always some guy hanging round taking his turn to be disappointed in me.
2. 'un crime passionel' – a crime of passion
3. Ah ces Anglais et leur incapacité délibérée à apprendre les langues étrangères.
Oh the English and their wilful inability to learn another language.
4. Ça valait parfois la peine d'enfreindre toutes les règles.
Sometimes breaking all the rules was worth it.
5. "L'amour est un champ de bataille," I shrugged. "Il faut bien que quelqu'un perde."
"Love is a battlefield," I shrugged. "Someone has to lose."
6. "Et les vainqueurs doivent continuer la lutte." said Thomas.
"And the victorious must carry on the fight,"
7. "Ferme ton claque-merde, ducon!" – Shut the fuck up, dumbass…
8. 'j'ai été villaine' – I've been a bad girl..
9. Je t'aime, Katie Fitch." I love you, Katie Fitch
10. Il fut un temps où j'aurais juré que je ne partagerai jamais les certitudes des gens 'normaux' vis-à-vis de l'amour; mais maintenant tous mes doutes à ce sujet s'étaient volatilisés.
I once believed that I would never experience the things that other people knew about love, but now that doubt was gone forever.
11. De tous les dénouements que j'avais imaginés pour cette soirée, celui-ci était le plus surprenant.
Of all the outcomes I had envisioned for this evening, this was the most unexpected.
12. L'amour est un champ de bataille – love is a battlefield
13. "Il nous faut de l'audace, encore de l'audace, toujours de l'audace," I said.
So I wanted a famous French battle cry along the lines of 'once more unto the breach, dear friends,' and I found this one from the French Revolution on the internet, but I asked Froggie to recommend any more. And whilst she supplied me with a cornucopia of options (in the interests of helping me understand French culture) I decided to stick with my original for one reason – the standard translation is 'we must dare, dare again, always dare' but I prefer to interpret it like this, in reference to the ever wonderful Emily Fitch 'we must be brave, and brave again, we must always be brave.'
14. "Pour la France, et pour l'amour…" – for France, and for love….
A bientôt mes pétards, time to fly….
Hypes xx