"Why is there so many civilians here?" Sasuke asked Naruto as the three genin returned to the resort.
"The hotel they were staying at screwed up their reservations and that would have split the wedding party," Naruto explained as they paused to take in the dining room which was nearly full with half a dozen clones working as servers and hostesses.
"That was nice of you," Sakura said, just before her stomach growled loudly, making her blush.
"I say we grab an early dinner," Naruto suggested, his own stomach growling as well.
"Can you make any meat dishes with tomatoes?" Sasuke asked.
"I know a few," Naruto replied, various pasta dishes he didn't recall learning passing through his mind, "but we've got a gourmet chef in the kitchen right now and I'm sure he knows even more."
"How did we get a gourmet chef?" Sasuke asked as they grabbed an empty table near the back wall.
"The bride's father brought him," he replied. "Half the kitchen staff are my clones that he's training."
"You're learning to be a gourmet chef?" Sasuke asked doubtfully.
"Learn everything you can, you never know when it'll come in handy," Naruto replied just before he turned to smoke and they were joined by Naruto and Ino.
"You were a clone the entire time?" Sakura asked in disbelief.
"Off and on," Naruto replied as he took his seat. "I'm not just working with you guys, I'm also assisting Ino's team, running the resort, and learning interrogation procedures."
"I've got to learn the shadow clone jutsu," Sasuke said, impressed despite himself.
"You need a lot more chakra and much better control," Sakura said, having gone over the jutsu in detail with Naruto and knowing exactly how dangerous it was.
"Naruto has lousy chakra control," Sasuke said with a frown.
"But loads of chakra," Sakura pointed out, "the better your control the less chakra you need, so improving both is the fastest way to prepare for learning that jutsu."
Sasuke nodded and a female Naruto in a little black dress that looked like she was in her early twenties arrived. "Your orders will be ready shortly," she told them as she set a pot of tea and four cups out.
"But, we haven't ordered yet," Sakura protested.
"Ninja," she replied and turned to smoke as she popped.
Naruto chuckled. "I've been having way too much fun doing that."
"Don't eat too much, my mom wants you over for dinner," Ino reminded him.
Sasuke and Sakura exchanged glances, surprised that he was being invited over to meet her parents.
"Won't be a problem," Naruto assured her, "I eat like I have a giant monster in my belly."
Ino giggled, getting the reference, and Sasuke and Sakura had the same thought, 'She must be in love with him to laugh at a joke that lame.'
An older male Naruto clone arrived wearing a tuxedo and loaded down with food which he quickly dished out.
"I can't eat all this, I'm on a diet," Sakura reluctantly admitted.
"You're an active duty ninja," Sasuke said, "as long as you keep up your training, your weight will never be a problem, while if you diet you will lose muscle mass and even weaken your bones, rendering you useless for battle."
Ino groaned. "That's what my mom's been hinting at!"
"Hinting?" Naruto asked. "Why didn't they come straight out and tell you?"
"Because you learn more by figuring things out yourself," she said with a sigh. "It's all mind games, all the time at my house."
"We could poke holes in all your father's condoms," Naruto suggested.
"What?" Ino asked, having heard him, but having no idea how one thing related to the other.
"With a new baby on the way they'll be too busy to play mind games," he explained, "plus having a little brother or sister would be awesome."
Sakura stared as Ino seemed to be seriously considering the idea.
Sasuke just dug into his food, whatever chaos Naruto was cooking up had nothing to do with him anyway.
"A new baby would distract them and give me some much needed space," Ino said thoughtfully.
"You're both insane, there's no other word for it," Sakura said as she ate.
"People called the first hokage insane when he wanted to found this village," Naruto said smugly. "People called old man Henderson insane when he claimed cultists had stolen his garden gnomes."
'Garden gnomes,' Sakura silently mouthed but Sasuke just shrugged.
"The second one sounds pretty insane," Ino couldn't help but point out.
"Oh, completely," Naruto said as he cut up his steak.
"Then why did you bring him up?" Sakura asked, confused.
Naruto shrugged. "For every genius idea you get dozens of crazy ones. You never really know which is which until everything is said and done."
"Pretty sure I'd be able to pick the lunatic out of those two choices in advance," Sakura argued.
"Would you?" Naruto asked with a grin. "One man was saying that religious lunatics had stolen small effigies of nature spirits he'd crafted in his spare time while the other one was fighting to change the ninja world in ways that had never been done before."
"You have a point," Sasuke conceded with a frown as if logic had personally insulted his mother.
"Well I say it's a genius idea," Ino decided, "a little less adult supervision will seriously improve our quality of life, especially as we get further into our teen years."
"Is there really a Mr. Henderson who's garden gnomes were stolen by cultists?" Sasuke found himself asking.
Naruto grinned. "Yes and it is hilarious," he said with a laugh. "Jashin worshipers are pretty much all insane and while they are close to immortal as long as they make the proper sacrifices, they are lousy fighters."
"You've jumped into the center of the story again," Sakura complained. "Start at the beginning."
"Sorry about that," Naruto apologized, "I'm used to people knowing at least some of the details when I talk about this. Alright, Mr. Henderson is a complete nutcase-"
"I thought he was right and not crazy," Sakura interrupted.
"No, he's right and crazy," Naruto said, pausing to pour himself another cup of tea as they'd absently ate their meal while talking. "Now, I'm not sure if he was ever a ninja and if so which village he belonged to, but he imbues his garden gnomes with chakra as part of the creation process."
"Enough to make them viable sacrifices," Sasuke guessed as Naruto paused to take a sip of tea.
"Yep," the blond agreed. "Now, normally Jashin worshipers require human sacrifices to maintain their immortality, but this small offshoot of the main temple were too incompetent to manage that and somehow got ahold of one of his gnomes and found they would work just about as well. Unfortunately for them, Mr. Henderson is extremely violent when someone messes with his gnomes and since the cult screwed up the ritual somehow, while they are technically immortal they are completely unable to use chakra."
"So they're as weak as civilians," Sakura said.
"Completely," Naruto said. "ANBU found Mr. Henderson burying a dozen chopped up bodies that were yelling and screaming about how the great god Jashin would smite him for his heresy. The entire cult has been banned from the Land of Fire so technically he didn't do anything wrong and they aren't allowed to interfere, so every couple of weeks one of them manages to dig himself out and sew himself back together enough to steal another gnome for sacrifice to fix all the other cult members, which results in Mr. Henderson going ape shit on them once more and back into the ground they all go."
"You have to be making this all up," Ino decided. "No way is that real."
"It's real," Naruto assured her, "ANBU have a couple of weak barrier tags set up so they know when the cultists manage to dig themselves out."
"Couldn't they incinerate the corpses or bury them in boxes?" Sakura asked.
"They could, but then they'd have to find something else to bet on," Naruto replied. "If they dig themselves out within the next week I stand to make bank! Of course the smart money says it'll be sometime after the start of the rainy season when the ground softens up, but I prefer long odds that have a better pay out."
"That's crazy," Sakura said flatly.
"The most powerful ninja are all a little out there," Naruto admitted. "Now, I'm not saying sanity is for the weak, but..."
"To become strong ninja we have to be crazy?" Sakura asked in disbelief.
"Just find something to focus on," Ino suggested. "Full blown insanity isn't necessary, just... a quirk or two so you can remain sane."
"You've got to be pranking me," Sakura decided. "No way are all the powerful ninja crazy."
"Quirky," Ino corrected her. "To channel the mental energies needed to become truly strong requires an intense focus, a touch of obsession."
"So Naruto's ramen obsession is why he's got so much chakra?" Sakura guessed.
"Ramen obsession?" Naruto asked, confused. "I'm not obsessed, I simply enjoy a good bowl of ramen like everyone should."
"Most people can't see their own obsessions," Ino told her, "they think it's normal."
"It is normal," Naruto said, "it's not my fault you guys can't appreciate good food."
"How many bowls have you eaten today?" Sasuke asked.
"Just twelve," Naruto replied. "I'll have another half dozen before bed. See? That's only a small amount."
The other three genin exchanged glances but didn't say anything.
"Let's go clean up and start on our chakra control exercises," Ino suggested to Naruto.
"I'll wash your back if you wash mine," Naruto suggested.
"Sounds good to me," Ino agreed as they got up. "Wish I had a spare set of clothes here, I hate putting on dirty clothes after a bath."
"I'll find you something clean or just henge some clones into clothes for you," Naruto said as the two departed.
Sakura just slowly shook her head. "I never in a million years pictured them together," she said, ignoring her inner self's comments about the day before and what she'd pictured after seeing the pair in the hot springs.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"I'm not wearing you as clothes," Ino told Naruto. "I can't believe you suggested that."
"As long as no one stabs you they won't pop until you tell them to," Naruto replied, "and it'd only be until you got home and changed."
"You'd be touching me everywhere!"
"Oh," Naruto said blushing, "I hadn't thought of that."
"Why not?" Ino asked with a frown. "I'm one of the most beautiful girls in our class!"
"Because I don't perv on people," Naruto replied dryly.
"There is nothing pervy about appreciating beauty and trying to get close to it," Ino said firmly.
"Like those guys who peek on the women's side of the springs?" he asked with a frown.
"No, that's pervy," she said firmly. "It's completely different if the person lets you."
"Oh," Naruto said with a nod, "that does make sense. I'll loan you a spare set of the clothes your dad gave me."
Ino groaned. "That's even worse! I can't just go to a boy's house and then come back wearing his clothes, people will get the wrong idea, especially my parents!"
"Listen, we have three options," Naruto said. "You can put back on dirty clothes after getting clean or you can use one of my suggestions and since I can henge clones into damn near anything no one will know it's not your own clothes."
"Yes, but I'll know you'll be touching me everywhere!" Ino retorted. "Even if you don't mean it to be... intimate, it'll be the closest I've ever been with someone."
"How about I just send a clone to your place to get clean clothes for you?" Naruto asked.
Ino's eyes lit up and then she groaned. "That would be even worse. My mom would have a knowing smirk all night!"
Naruto sighed. "Pick an option cause I'm out of ideas."
"Fine... I'll wear cloned clothes, but you can't tell anyone!"
"I still don't get what the big deal is since clones can't feel anything when henged into objects, but fine, I promise I won't tell anyone," Naruto promised.
"They can't?" Ino asked, surprised.
"Can't feel a thing while henged into objects," Naruto explained once more. "Wait! Don't you have spare clothes at camp?"
"A couple pairs... We can just teleport over and grab some, can't we?" she asked, sighing in relief.
"Or into your room at home," Naruto replied. "I've only been able to do this for a day or so, otherwise I would have thought of that first."
"I should have thought of it too," Ino said.
"So camp or home?" Naruto asked.
"Camp," she replied, "I don't want my parents realizing you can teleport into my room whenever you want to."
"They're experienced ninja, they should already know," he said.
"Yeah, but as long as you don't do it, they'll think we haven't thought of it and not bring it up to avoid giving us ideas," she explained.
"Ninja parents sound like they're even more trouble than normal parents," Naruto decided.
"To quote Shikamaru, they are troublesome," she said with a grin. "Now, let's go grab some clean clothes, wash up, and get started on our chakra exercises without providing any new gossip."
"Meh, people gossip about everything. They don't even need a reason," he told her.
0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0
"I didn't even know they were seeing each other," Sakura said, as a Naruto hostess gave them a complimentary order of ramen before they could get up to leave.
"I didn't think he was her type," Sasuke said, deciding he had room for at least a little ramen, "but then he seems to have matured a bit in the last few days."
Typing By: Abyssal Angel
Beta By: Abyssal Angel and Mist of Rainbows
AA: Can't feel anything while in henge?... I'm filing that under AU and applicable only to this Naruto mentally.
MR: I think he was lying.